No place to hide...

[ivoryhill]

Hi all.

I actually have another username on CF, but I decided to create a new one because what I want to share and need help with affects more people than myself, and I wanted privacy.

That being said, I am not the alcoholic in my family. This is about my dad who has been an alcoholic for my entire life, maybe even his entire life since he was a teenager. He is almost 50, and I am in my early 20's.

God has really delivered him many many times in his life and in our family life. We've never had to suffer any major financial loss due to his alcoholism or job loss or ill health (although I'm sure his is deteriorating right now-there's only so much one liver can take) because of it. Although there are several people outside my family who know of his problem he for the most part has fooled everyone in my church and community that he is a successful, if somewhat private, father with a good job and good life (for lack of better descriptors). Anyway, there was a period in my life when he stopped drinking, after a really terrible situation with my mother years ago, but about 4 years ago he started again. When I was very young he would be mean and drunk in our house and he would drink with friends, now he goes on drinking binges alone either at home or somewhere else (I don't know where) and it's hard to know what triggers him into this.

He is as I'm writing this in an alcohol induced stupor right now, he was gone the entire day and only came home at 7 pm completely drunk. Somehow God had mercy on us and he went into his bedroom quietly, when he's this drunk he sometimes keeps my entire family up at night with his rants.

Anyway there are a thousand stories that I could tell but right now I am at my wits end. My dad is a Christian, he took baptism within the past year, however his drinking problem didn't go away with it.
I feel like this time his drinking is almost like a punishment on him, like the devil (sorry to be so dramatic, but this is how I feel) is enticing him into this, like it's a curse or something that won't go away.

He doesn't recognize the need to change...we've had so many family discussions, and close friends of the family have spoken to him but it's like he CAN'T recognize the need to stop and get help. We've looked up church progams and AA meetings for him to go to. His excuses are that he's almost 50 and he provides for his family and does everything else right so why can't we just turn away when he drinks once in a while...and then he just stops listening to us.

I don't know what to do. We've fasted, and prayed. And even more than being angry, then being sad...I'm TIRED of this situation. What should I do?

 

[luvly]

have you tried to give him a medicine called antabuse? I heard it reacts really bad against alcohol and the addicted can be turned off by alcohol...

Antabuse is regularly prescribed in the case of patients who want to curb alcoholism. This medicine is able to induce alcohol intolerance and it is usually accompanied by a proper psychiatric treatment. You should not consider Antabuse as a medicine that cures alcoholism. Without enough motivation and a proper psychiatric guidance this drug is usually ineffective.

source: http://www.drugdelivery.ca/s349-s-ANTABUSE.aspx

 

[Healed_IHS]

Good point on the antabuse, but I could easily see Dad not taking it-- and it's not too easily slipped into the dinner ; >.

Seriously, I was an alcoholic of the caliber described. One night I got down on my knees and begged God to take away the desire to drink. Nothing seemed to happen.

Then, shortly after, I got a job with benefits that paid for me to detox and 3 weeks of rehab. Lost the job after completing treatment, but the fact that I had the opportunity for cost-free treatment was God working miracles.

A note about rehab. There is nothing "magic" about that place. I was a "know-it all" there, in that I already knew all the facts and figures, what would work or not work in my program (much to the agravation of the counselors). It did, however, provide time for me to think about what I was doing to myself.

When my brother and sister in law say to my niece and nephew they are going to turn out like me- I don't want the yung'uns to shudder!

 

[ivoryhill]

luvly-I've heard of anti-alchohol medicine. I'm not sure if my dad can take it because he has a few health problems that might prevent him from it. But I am definitely looking into it. However I feel moreso like his alchoholism is a sign of a serious spiritual problem in his life. Like I said before, he did stop drinking for several years without one relapse, and he pretty much quit cold turkey. I think the situation at that time pretty much forced him to and he stopped drinking out of some sort of fear. Too bad it didn't last.

And ProdigalSeeker-thanks for sharing your story about rehab, I'm glad it helped you. Rehab is definitely not an option for my dad though. Besides being too costly there are cultural barriers, and besides that my dad is a thinker. He thinks way too much. In fact he is probably the smartest person I know, most people that know him say the same thing. This is another reason why he doesn't listen to people who are telling him that he needs to stop drinking. I always wonder how such a gifted person can make so many terrible mistakes over and over again.


I just can't wait anymore and watch him destroy himself and our family. It just sucks. And I don't think his body can take much more or that we can keep up this facade any longer that there are no problems in our home.

Anyway we have decided to bring him and his problem to a local pastor that we know and whom my dad trusts and seems to respect. So we'll see how it goes.

 

[Divinah]

I do pray God's Blessings and deliverance for your Dad. I was suprised to hear someone recommend the drug thing...It can actually kill you if you have certain health risks and should only be used as a last resort. So, if your Dad was not moved to agree to counseling/attempting to quit on his own it would be like a suicide pill. So, no on pill. But I'm SO GLAD to hear he's willing to talk to pastor. I pray he will be convicted and accept the need to change and will be agreeable to turning to God for help. I'm sure you've heard of Celebrate Recovery...its like AA/NA but with Biblical Scriptures applied to the twelve steps...when he does take that step...get him to a good one. It's so new and so many new ones are opening up...some are just much better than others and we don't want him to get bored.

God Bless.

 

[Healed_IHS]

Wonderful news, and I attend C/R myself at times... great program.

Still it sounds to me like he does have a "God shaped hole" in his life that will only be filled with God. Even when I was homeless the desolation that I felt was nothing compared to the spirtitual desolation.

PM me if you need anything.

 

[ivoryhill]

Hey guys, I just wanted to update with what happened when my parents went to speak to the pastor. I was sort of apprehensive about it because my dad has done things like this before. Like he'll go to church, or some church convention etc, act like he's really a Christian, and then the next day we'll see that it made no difference at all. But anyway he went to the pastor yesterday to confess his problem and be counseled and prayed over/with. There was another pastor visiting at the time so my dad ended up telling both of them his problem. My mom filled me in on this after this all happened. Anyway my dad sugarcoated his problem a lot. He wasn't able to tell them the extent of his addiction because he wanted to save face, my mom said that she thinks they saw through that.

Anyway as I said before, I have suspected that my dad's alcoholism is more of a sign of some huge spiritual problem in his life, more like spiritual warfare then a physical addiction. I was shocked to learn what happened after the pastors had spoken to both my parents the visiting pastor prayed over my dad seperately. The visiting pastor is an annointed preacher and filled with the Holy Spirit, after praying for my dad he asked my dad whether he felt a stiffness in his body, a shaking of the limbs, or any sort of dizziness. My dad said that yes he felt very stiff. Then the pastor revealed to him that he believed that his alcoholism was definitely a spiritual possession inside his body. I didn't say before that before my dad was dabbling in meditation and transcedental experiences (mind out of body type things) sort of new age type things. The pastor said that at that time my dad had made a connection to the spirit world, which is why his alcoholism wasn't going away, because it was a possession. Anyway the pastors both prayed again and finally they both said that they felt the possession leave my dad. They then told my dad that even though they had prayed over him my dad was in a covenant with God, which had 2 parts. He has to continue to do the right thing and have faith and not be drawn to things that he wanted to do before. Like different religions, poor music and tv habits, and that he needed to spend more time in God's word and prayer. They also warned him that since God has delivered him so many times in the past, there would not be another chance like this where he can have his life back without dealing with some major consequences.

So far this seems to have made an impact on my dad. I have not heard of the Celebrate Recovery program so thanks for mentioning it Divinah-it seems like something worth getting into.

Thanks for the prayers and insights from everyone, I really appreciate them. I haven't talked about this with anyone and it's nice to be able to share it with other people.

 

[Healed_IHS]

The pastor said that at that time my dad had made a connection to the spirit world, which is why his alcoholism wasn't going away, because it was a possession

A little unclear on this... How did they mean it? Using that reasoning - ALL alcoholism is a possession as it never goes away, but is put in remission (for me personally) by the challenge to be a better christian and live a better life. Of course others choose a 12 step program and still others do something different.

They also warned him that since God has delivered him so many times in the past, there would not be another chance like this where he can have his life back without dealing with some major consequences.

It's a safe bet that's true from what I've heard. I've heard A LOT in recovery, "I know I have another relapse in me, but I'm not sure I have another recovery". Part of what kept me sober. But none of us really knows when we are going to go, so I don't think they meant it this way.

 

[ivoryhill]

The pastor said that at that time my dad had made a connection to the spirit world, which is why his alcoholism wasn't going away, because it was a possession

A little unclear on this... How did they mean it? Using that reasoning - ALL alcoholism is a possession as it never goes away, but is put in remission (for me personally) by the challenge to be a better christian and live a better life. Of course others choose a 12 step program and still others do something different.

They also warned him that since God has delivered him so many times in the past, there would not be another chance like this where he can have his life back without dealing with some major consequences.

It's a safe bet that's true from what I've heard. I've heard A LOT in recovery, "I know I have another relapse in me, but I'm not sure I have another recovery". Part of what kept me sober. But none of us really knows when we are going to go, so I don't think they meant it this way.

Hmm, well like I said earlier, I had a growing suspicion with my dad that his growing problem with alcoholism was more than physical addiction and more of spiritual warfare. It's like a part of him knows he should stop, but there was this huge stubborness inside of him that would make it unable for him to even listen to the smallest piece of advice or logic on the topic. I think what the pastors meant by possession was that literally my dad was being possessed by this deep desire for alcohol but it really wasn't him who wanted it. He was being controlled by something outside of himself and it was pushing him to the brink of total destruction. Also I know my dad, and he wasn't acting like himself. Lately even when he was sober he tended to brood, refuses to participate in any social activity, and would just literally spend his days in total waste (other than going to work). This is totally unlike dad really, he has always been a social person who has more than enough friendships and hobbies. I watched him change personalities, and it seems like this personality change coincided exactly with his relapse into alcoholism. Anyway it totally made sense to me when the pastor had said that he was being spiritually possessed, because I've felt for a while that there was something really strange with my dad. And I realize I'm not explaining this clearly...it's just something I felt in my gut, and I understand if you have some trouble swallowing it. If I was on the other side, I would probably have trouble believing that my dad's problem was more than just addiction also.

Anyway about what I meant when I said that he would face major consequences if he returned back to his binge drinking and bad habits. My dad has so far managed by the grace of God alone to avoid any trouble with the law, any car accidents (my dad should be in jail for several lifetimes the amount of times he has been DUI), significant bad health, any major public disgrace, any job loss, major financial loss (besides the money that was spent on alcohol which was I guess significant enough) well you get the point. If you saw how he was when he was drunk you wouldn't believe that it would be possible that someone could do that and not suffer some consequence to it. All I can say is that God has been really merciful so far. I think the pastors meant it as a warning that now that my dad is open and listening, it is really his choice to return back to his old ways or follow what's right, otherwise the old pattern won't continue and something will happen that he's not ready for. Which is why I sort of posted here because I was sure that something terrible and life changing would happen.

Anyway this is really long! Sorry about that, just wanted to explain, and thanks for listening.

All I'm doing now is praying and hoping for the best, and supporting my dad in the ways that he is making an effort to change in right now.

 

[Divinah]

For your Dad's change of heart, mind and spirit. I pray he stays steadfast in it.

As an alcoholic we are all terrified of ever stumbling again and know that it very well could end us if we drink again. I know it took some harsh blows before I quit. And seemed the most harsh when I thought I had success and slipped just once. God is Good. No one can say what they meant or not...but your Dad knows...especially the more ground he gains in Sobriety what the cost of giving his victory over to that demon will mean.

I think that's partly why so many of us the longer we're sober the stronger we are...because, if nothing else even in our human pride...we're not going to give up on something we've struggled so hard to achieve, by God's Grace. We're not going to throw the Victory God has lead us to back into the hand of the enemy.

You know, sometimes the cycle of recovery, even in a truly convicted person does include relapse...the thing is to get right back up and persevere...whatever the Pastor Meant, I sure the ultimate message is not that one more drink will the demise of any hope you have in GOD...(although as Alcoholics we all feel that way.)...I'm sure the ultimeate message of the Pastor was Perseverance and to not be given over to just drinking and saying it's okay...I hope your Dad's heart has been at least convicted to that point.

Some people even slip by force of habit. We have to change the way we think and react to things...We have to provide ourselves with ALTERNATIVES...

Alternatives to how we'll react when we're tired, angry, sad ... all the things that would lead us to drink.

I'm saying these things so that you may be able to help him maybe and if there were some set back, you would not be too greatly discouraged.

Also, as family members...here is a great thing I did in recovery.

We wrote letters, while at a sound and happy place with eachother and agreed..."IF WE SEE THE ACOHOLIC (ME) IN A PLACE OF DRY RELAPSE" This is when a person is displaying signs (my family all knew mine) that can begin up to a week before a relapse..that they are weakening. If this starts to happen you exchange the letters. His letter is most important and should contain what he thinks (from his sober frame of mind) you should do to address the issue.

ex. Take me to a meeting; take me to meet with pastore; pray for me; pray with me; take me to dinner; take me running; do an intervention, whatever it may be.

You should have a copy of his letter to give to him should you detect a dry relapse...it could maybe contain an apology from him...You get the picture right...something to jog him back into ..."conviction to quit".

Well, so Happy for you...God Bless.

You and Mom could also try alanon or Celebrate Recovery (because they're not just for substance abuse) and then you will be blessed and enlightened further of how you can help your Dad and get some healing yourself from the pain you've all been through with the drinking.

SO EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CONTINUED VICTORY!