Nightmares, Flashbacks and Broken Sleep..

[EbonNelumbo]

This is odd.
I was raped and beaten when I was 15. Molested as a child and sexually assaulted again about 2 years ago. It's not recent, but over the last couple weeks I have been having some of the worst nightmares and worse yet, flashbacks. I went through some pretty brutal things at 15 and from that stems a lot of issues which I deal with today. It was all fine until I read someone's post and it brought about some repressed memories, things I thought God had completely obliterated from mindset.

My intent on this post is to ask if anyone has had something similar happen. I denote it as spiritual warfare, God took the severe flashbacks from me some time ago and trying to help someone else they came back.

I am just really hurting over this because no one in my immediate life can I talk to about what is going on. The friends I have online I don't want to bother with this issue. It's a conundrum of sorts.

I am just concerned because the flashbacks are so severe and I literally woke up with an anxiety attack this morning. I have cold sweats and dread sleep now. I am scared of what will come in my dreams. I pray and such but the dreams have not been taken. There is a reason for this in some strange way but I really cannot deal with the flashbacks anymore.

Thanks, to everyone who reads this. I have a hard time posting about serious stuff but I know sometimes it helps. Maybe it will.

 

[Linnis]

Anything can trigger a flashback, a smell, sound, post. On a message board I go to, which is for survivors of SA, we put trigger warnings on any posts which may trigger someone else memory wise.

You are not alone, I too was raped at 15 and sometimes still get vivid memories like if it happened last week. The dreams while I am asleep are so much worse, I mean the memories are so much worse when asleep than anything I remember awake.

I think your brain knows what you can and cannot handle but in your sleep it gets lazy and you remember too much and it's scary. Very scary.

If these memories keep happening to the point you are loosing sleep a lot or they bother you, which they seem to enough already you may consider speaking to a third party. Many organizations offer free and confidental counceling if you look around. One I went to for almost a year, the lady was a trained surviver and didn't know anything more than my nickname and phone number. She was a great help.

 

[Johnnz]

Those things can continue until you resolve the many issues that your experiences have heaped on you. Some good counselling will really help.

John
NZ

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Thank you both for the suggestions and help here.

My issue with counseling is that I know too much about it. I am doing some grad work for my degree in psych now, with undergrad standing and I am extremely introverted on all personal levels so if anyone tries to pry off my 'shell' of sorts I pretty much divert to primal tactics, or knowing what to say to get people to back off.

For me, when I was in counseling, it brought up too many issues to deal with. I opted out and became extremely depressed to the point of attempted suicide. It's literally easier for me to not go to pro help and seek out assistance because there are some basic questions which bring about extremely bad stuff.

And yes, I am doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing in the pro help category. I guess it's easiest to describe as when bad 'things' back up in my life if I keep stuffing them under the skin then it will hurt for a while, but in the end I will have far more resolve and tougher skin to help someone else.

I am one of those people who will help other people in order to maintain self-sanity. It's hard and sometimes I break down, but I usually, well always so far, have gotten back up.

To be honest about the counseling though, it kind of fed the issues I had. As long as I went 1-2X per week I knew there was GOING to be a problem. I couldn't ever just 'move on. ' It reinforced a negativity in myself that things never WOULD be 'normal' again or okay even. At least in person.

I have a true-to-God Christian counselor that I talk to online. Not often anymore but when I do he ensures that it isn't ALWAYS about the negativity in life. He's online often enough that if I needed to talk asap I could but otherwise I can just email him and explain life's issues.

The biggest help to me is being able to come to CF and potentially a site which was just revealed to me via PM and know I am not alone. Know that, unfortunently for them, but luckily for me, someone can relate to the hell I have endured and I know I am not some ostracized reject everywhere I go.

Not to mention the fact I have no medical insurance and at my college though psychological support is offered, if you have a a suicidal ideation you are immediately referred to the crisis number and given county counselors to check into.
-Hallee

 

[Linnis]

Hey Kiddo,

You will keep having nightmeres and keep getting really depressed and suicidal until you get through all of it and can be done with it.

You need to be able to know what happened without freaking out, you need to get to that point or you'll always be running away from your own memories.

You took the first and sometimes hardest step, you admitted you were raped sometimes woman never get to that point. You arew stong, that took a lot of courage.

It doesn't matter who helps you get through the bad stuff to a point where it isn't waking you up at night isn't important, whatever works. Different people need different things.

I'll get the info on free organizations, you may be able to check one of them out. It may take me a while since I'm at work...

 

[Johnnz]

Healing from the past of the process that occurs at different levels.



When something really bad happens to us our own inner being can be deeply affected. This is what the Bible calls our spirit or our heart. When we have been deeply wounded in our spirit just talking about an issue is often not enough. The pain remains. This is where our Christian faith can be very helpful, provided we understand how to cooperate with God.



Jesus came to bind up the broken-hearted and to heal the wounded spirit. Spiritual wounds often require a spiritual remedy. Unfortunately, many Christians do not understand how healing of our spirits can be bought about by cooperating with Jesus.



Then there is our basic humanity. This is where psychology can be useful, when we experienced something that is recorded in our memory and in our emotions. This fact is so important. This is why people often can cry out to God saying “change me, take the pain or confusion away” and yet they stay the same. They are expecting some divine ‘zap’ and all will be well again. God most often does not work that way. He does not reach down into us and erase memories, hurt emotions or bad habits. We are responsible for changing those.



Let's take shame as an example. We are ashamed when we do something wrong. We can deal with the guilt and shame by confessing and acknowledging that God has given us. But that does not stop us beating up on ourselves and continuing to feel deep shame. Even though we may have good reason to be ashamed, we must rebuild our lives based around the positive truth of our Christian life. That enables us to process the shame, and live with the fact of what we have done, and then get on with our lives. This is what Paul talks about when he says “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Learn to think differently based on your knowledge of Christ and all that he has done for you.



Some people seem to have an enormous inner strength to draw from. Most people don't. We need careful counselling and loving support to work through issues. But, it is really important to recognise that we cannot heal our inner spirit just by talking, and we do not change all that things lodged within our memories and thought patterns by God doing something supernatural in our lives. We need both. There is God's part and our part.



Talking produces painful flashbacks. These come from the deep hurts that you have buried. Only as these deep hurts are faced, painful though it is at times, and only as both the spiritual and the personal issues are dealt with, that you will begin to experience real healing. It can be painful, which is why loving support is so necessary. But all that negativity is still working away inside of you, whether you recognise it or not. That's why it must be dealt with.



It's a bit distressing that many Christians operate without any real understanding of the spiritual nature of humanity and the principles that apply to it. Of all people we should be the most informed about this area.



I really hope that you will find someone who can put it all together for you and help you to see what is God's task alone and to experience His healing, and what your part is, based on the truths of your Christian faith.



John

 

[thepianist]

This is odd.
I was raped and beaten when I was 15. Molested as a child and sexually assaulted again about 2 years ago. It's not recent, but over the last couple weeks I have been having some of the worst nightmares and worse yet, flashbacks. I went through some pretty brutal things at 15 and from that stems a lot of issues which I deal with today. It was all fine until I read someone's post and it brought about some repressed memories, things I thought God had completely obliterated from mindset.

My intent on this post is to ask if anyone has had something similar happen. I denote it as spiritual warfare, God took the severe flashbacks from me some time ago and trying to help someone else they came back.

I am just really hurting over this because no one in my immediate life can I talk to about what is going on. The friends I have online I don't want to bother with this issue. It's a conundrum of sorts.

I am just concerned because the flashbacks are so severe and I literally woke up with an anxiety attack this morning. I have cold sweats and dread sleep now. I am scared of what will come in my dreams. I pray and such but the dreams have not been taken. There is a reason for this in some strange way but I really cannot deal with the flashbacks anymore.

Thanks, to everyone who reads this. I have a hard time posting about serious stuff but I know sometimes it helps. Maybe it will.

I am so sorry about the problems you are having, dear. Things that are so awful in our lives can affect almost everything we do. I don't speak from experience because of myself....but I'm beginning to see just a slight amount of this from my daughter who has been molested/raped by our son's best friend for several months. All I can do is pray for you, myfriend - and I assure you that you can count on that. May our wonderful Lord bless you and yours with a Merry Christmas!!!

 

[uniquetadpole]

I have the nightmares too. I escaped from an abusive relationship that I was in for over 8 years. I left him in Aug...didn't remember much of anything for the past 8 years...and now the memory is beginning to come back. At first in pieces and only in nightmares. Now I remember most of it...and still have the nightmares. But the memories are like a movie...it is the nightmares that seem to have any feelings associated with them. I too do not want to be alone right now.

I am just letting you know you are not alone.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Thank you to all of you who have replied with advice, kindness and prayers. It means more than I can explain to you to know that I am not simply a loner who goes through this alone.

 

[Johnnz]

No, you are not the only one and you are not alone.

John
NZ

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Thank you both for the suggestions and help here.

My issue with counseling is that I know too much about it. I am doing some grad work for my degree in psych now, with undergrad standing and I am extremely introverted on all personal levels so if anyone tries to pry off my 'shell' of sorts I pretty much divert to primal tactics, or knowing what to say to get people to back off.

For me, when I was in counseling, it brought up too many issues to deal with. I opted out and became extremely depressed to the point of attempted suicide. It's literally easier for me to not go to pro help and seek out assistance because there are some basic questions which bring about extremely bad stuff.

And yes, I am doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing in the pro help category. I guess it's easiest to describe as when bad 'things' back up in my life if I keep stuffing them under the skin then it will hurt for a while, but in the end I will have far more resolve and tougher skin to help someone else.

I am one of those people who will help other people in order to maintain self-sanity. It's hard and sometimes I break down, but I usually, well always so far, have gotten back up.

To be honest about the counseling though, it kind of fed the issues I had. As long as I went 1-2X per week I knew there was GOING to be a problem. I couldn't ever just 'move on. ' It reinforced a negativity in myself that things never WOULD be 'normal' again or okay even. At least in person.

I have a true-to-God Christian counselor that I talk to online. Not often anymore but when I do he ensures that it isn't ALWAYS about the negativity in life. He's online often enough that if I needed to talk asap I could but otherwise I can just email him and explain life's issues.

The biggest help to me is being able to come to CF and potentially a site which was just revealed to me via PM and know I am not alone. Know that, unfortunently for them, but luckily for me, someone can relate to the hell I have endured and I know I am not some ostracized reject everywhere I go.

Not to mention the fact I have no medical insurance and at my college though psychological support is offered, if you have a a suicidal ideation you are immediately referred to the crisis number and given county counselors to check into.
-Hallee

Have you considered seeking out any 12 Step type program- where you might be able to go and get help from others who are also suffering?

I am sorry for you anguish. You are still so young... I have found healing comes in fits and starts- and that the healing is always painfully brought about through remembering. This past year has been a rough one for me- I don't know what I would have done without Jesus putting a very wise priest in my path- who has helped me (also an avowed mental health professional refuser) to be able to find the help I have so desperately needed to make sense of all of my healing.

 

[Stephanida]

You should start a soothing ritual before bed, like a cup of tea with a book or some music. Soft comfy pj's something that makes you warm and calm and safe, every night. Also call on God before you fall asleep. Keep something that reminds you of God near your bed. For example a picture of Him. If you were Catholic I would say to fall asleep with your rosary. That sort of thing can help. As for the flashbacks. Keep something that is very familiar or soothing with you. I keep a picture of my god-daughter and an icon of God with me. But if I can't reach them I just hold my cross around my neck and pray. I would try some of those things.

 

[gwenevere]

I told my husband that i was not a virgin and that i lost it when i was raped. He is treating me very diffrent. I never told anyone untill now. He's making me feel like i'm worthless. I always heard if i talk about it it will help but i don't feel like it is. I cant sleep becasue i'm having nighmares, I feel sick and i'm very stress with the situation. It feels like it just happen. I know it was wrong of me not telling my husband when we dated but it's imberessing to talk about it. I need help...

 

[Psalmangel]

I told my husband that i was not a virgin and that i lost it when i was raped. He is treating me very diffrent. I never told anyone untill now. He's making me feel like i'm worthless. I always heard if i talk about it it will help but i don't feel like it is. I cant sleep becasue i'm having nighmares, I feel sick and i'm very stress with the situation. It feels like it just happen. I know it was wrong of me not telling my husband when we dated but it's imberessing to talk about it. I need help...

Talk to him again and tell him how you feel. And listen to some J.S. Bach and rejoice in Him. Ask him to forgive you. But if he diecides leave you, let him go. If he really loved he wouldn't let your past bother him... he'd be forgiving. Love does not count every wrong that's done. Plus, your the victim, not him. It wasn't your fault, since, after all it was forced sex... and he should understand that these things aren't easy to talk about. Ask him that if he were in your place, would he not have done the same. If he loved you, he would give you a chance to explain what you've been through.