Nightmare

[eatenbylocusts]

My family, T, my best friend and I went out for lunch yesterday to celebrate my birthday. T took a long time getting to the restaurant and apparently picked up my "gift" on the way. Flowers, balloons and a card. My brother and his wife went home and the rest of us went to a movie. My friend sat on the other side of T and they were talking off and on during the movie. When we got back to the house they did some more talking to the point that I was feeling excluded. My ex-h asked this same friend out when we were separated and she has a history of not drawing clear and appropriate boundaries in communication with men who should be off-limits.

I'm upset that my gift from T pretty much seemed like an afterthought. He went to the mall with female co-workers Fri. night after work and I actually thought he might be getting their opinions on a gift. I also showed him something inexpensive that I wanted two weeks ago. When he left last night I got a hug and a kiss that sure didn't seem all that inspired.

I woke up at 3 am after dreaming about my friend and T. I dreamed that T was actually running away from me and had locked his car doors. I did some praying and was able to get back to sleep.

I'm going to be out of town for two weeks, but when I get back I'm going to have to have a talk with T. I hate this limbo. I feel like I'm a friend with benefits now and that's not what I want.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

I'm sorry. I would definitely tell him how you feel about it all bc the longer you keep it inside the more upset you'll be. i'll pray for you.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Didn't you decide not to date exclusively? You can't really dictate who he can and can not be friends with or even date. You also can't really fault your friend, as you and T are not in a relationship you are just "dating" Didn't you go out on a date with another guy? How is that any different then T talking with your friend?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Didn't you decide not to date exclusively? You can't really dictate who he can and can not be friends with or even date. You also can't really fault your friend, as you and T are not in a relationship you are just "dating" Didn't you go out on a date with another guy? How is that any different then T talking with your friend?

I don't know about you, but all my girlfriends know that someone else's love interest if off limits, even ex-bfs are considered untouchable-at least for a while. A bf is not worth losing a good friend. My friend is not interested in him, but she loves to talk and I know from experience that many guys have confused her conversations as interest even though there wasn't any on her part. This is probably something she is doing subconciously because she does enjoy the attention. My friend also knows how I feel about T. She knows that I was ready to take our relationship to the next level and the only reason that I suggested we not date exclusively was because his feelings for me had cooled.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I don't know about you, but all my girlfriends know that someone else's love interest if off limits, even ex-bfs are considered untouchable-at least for a while. A bf is not worth losing a good friend. My friend is not interested in him, but she loves to talk and I know from experience that many guys have confused her conversations as interest even though there wasn't any on her part. This is probably something she is doing subconciously because she does enjoy the attention. My friend also knows how I feel about T. She knows that I was ready to take our relationship to the next level and the only reason that I suggested we not date exclusively was because his feelings for me had cooled.

Fortunetly for me, I married my first and only love. But among my friends, once you break up with a guy, that is it it is over. I have a couple of friends, one sister married the others sisters ex boyfriend. They are all very close and pastor a church together. I have a nother set of friends, where th ecouple broke up b/c the girl cheated on her BF with another guy, she married the other guy, got right with the Lord, the guy she cheated on got married, and the four of them were the best of friends. So no, it is not an unwritten rule amoung people I know. The point is that IMO (and you are free to ignore me) you have no right to tell him he can not talk, or even flirt with other girls. Not until you define exactly what your relationship is. If you are ready for a lasting commitment, or even to take your relationship beyond what it was, or is now, and he is not, then you need to move on. If he does not want to be in that kind of relationship then you can not hold him to the same type of rules.

 

[faerieevaH]

If you were ready to go to the next level with the relationship, but he wasn't because his feelings for you had cooled, it is unlikely they will warm up again. There's a difference between nerves and feelings that have cooled. The best thing for all involved is to stop this 'non exclusive dating' and go to 'non dating'. Grieve for the relationship that didn't work out, then try and see if you can be friends with this man and find your future husband somewhere else.
Non exclusive dating is a limbo, especially as a step BACK from a relationship. It's different if you are friendship dating (i.e. going to do things with a friend without romantic undertones) but that was definitely not the case in your relationship.

His feelings are cooled. You don't want to let go. I'm very sorry you got hurt and that you feel a lot for someone who'se feelings for you have cooled, but it did happen. Now you need to end this situation, because otherwise you'll be dating 'non exclusively' for ages, with you keeping your romantic hopes up as long as he doesn't break it off, and he probably wanting for you to break it off, but not wanting to hurt you, so he is, wrongly waiting, for you to take that step.

 

[Princess Pea]

What Faerieeva said.

I'm going to be out of town for two weeks, but when I get back I'm going to have to have a talk with T. I hate this limbo. I feel like I'm a friend with benefits now and that's not what I want.

What are you hoping that this talk will accomplish? Have you thought about what you want to say? In a perfect scenario, what would he say? And - why wait two weeks? Do you think it will make a difference somehow? (Not trying to pick on you here - just hopefully giving you some things to consider.)

I think you're wise to recognize and want out of the friends-with-benefits limbo you're now in. And I think you know in your heart that the only way out is to make a clean break. It's just the implementation - the act of letting go - that's difficult, isn't it?

I hope your time away is relaxing and refreshing. From the sound of things, you've been on quite a roller coaster lately!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

The point is that IMO (and you are free to ignore me) you have no right to tell him he can not talk, or even flirt with other girls. Not until you define exactly what your relationship is. If you are ready for a lasting commitment, or even to take your relationship beyond what it was, or is now, and he is not, then you need to move on. If he does not want to be in that kind of relationship then you can not hold him to the same type of rules.

But, I'm not telling him to do anything. I'm venting my feelings here. He is a very outgoing, talkative person and I wouldn't dare to tell him to stop being who he is. I also wouldn't try to stop him from dating someone else since that is our agreement. Except for my friends. My friend would turn him down anyway.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

What Faerieeva said.



What are you hoping that this talk will accomplish? Have you thought about what you want to say? In a perfect scenario, what would he say? And - why wait two weeks? Do you think it will make a difference somehow? (Not trying to pick on you here - just hopefully giving you some things to consider.)

I think you're wise to recognize and want out of the friends-with-benefits limbo you're now in. And I think you know in your heart that the only way out is to make a clean break. It's just the implementation - the act of letting go - that's difficult, isn't it?

I hope your time away is relaxing and refreshing. From the sound of things, you've been on quite a roller coaster lately!

He's going to a men's retreat this weekend. Maybe some time spent reflecting on God will give him some direction. I wouldn't want to do anything that would take the emphasis off strengthening his relationship with God. Before we started dating again a Christian man from a dating site contacted me and we have been emailing each other as "friends" since Feb. This guy knows I will be much closer to him during my vacation. If he decides to initiate a visit with me then I would be willing to do so. There has been nothing romantic in our communications, but what he had written in his profile really tugged at my heart when I first read it. I have no idea if he is seeing anyone right now, but if he does not try to see me I will just take that as confirmation that he will just remain my Christian pen pal /prayer partner.

Frankly, when I was dating T exclusively I was wondering how I would handle it if this other guy wanted to meet. Like I've said before I could not say that I was in love with T, like I was with my ex-bf, but I cared for him deeply in different ways. I believed that if we succesfully completed marriage prep classes I could allow myself to love him.

Believe me, I am very concerned that T had very strong feelings for me just two months ago and was asking me to marry him, and now he's backed off. This does not sound like a good sign for a relationship. When I talk to him I will ask him to clarify his feelings for me. I'm going to tell him how I feel. I think we may be able to remain as friends, but I don't french kiss my friends. Either he has met someone or his behaviour has changed because he knows that I've been out with someone else. He's not asking for any more details about other guys like he was before. And the previous Sunday he was just so affectionate and complimentary it seemed like he was trying to woo me back. I think some time apart may clarify things for both of us.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I believed that if we succesfully completed marriage prep classes I could allow myself to love him.

IMO you should allow yourself to be in love before you start marriage prep classes.

I think some time apart may clarify things for both of us.

I think that is a wise decision. I will pray that the Lord clarifies for you whether this is the right man or not.

 

[Jesus1stKing]

Frankly, when I was dating T exclusively I was wondering how I would handle it if this other guy wanted to meet. Like I've said before I could not say that I was in love with T, like I was with my ex-bf, but I cared for him deeply in different ways. I believed that if we succesfully completed marriage prep classes I could allow myself to love him.

Believe me, I am very concerned that T had very strong feelings for me just two months ago and was asking me to marry him, and now he's backed off. This does not sound like a good sign for a relationship. When I talk to him I will ask him to clarify his feelings for me. I'm going to tell him how I feel. I think we may be able to remain as friends, but I don't french kiss my friends. Either he has met someone or his behaviour has changed because he knows that I've been out with someone else. He's not asking for any more details about other guys like he was before. And the previous Sunday he was just so affectionate and complimentary it seemed like he was trying to woo me back. I think some time apart may clarify things for both of us.

Allow me to interject a male perspective.

1st-to say "I could not say that I was in love with T" should send up signal flags, obviously you haven't put enough thought into this matter and where you would like to se it go.
2nd-When you are saying this "I cared for him deeply in different ways" have you asked yourself just what ways? Do they include 'forever', or are they more like friend/brother?
3rd-"I could allow myself to love him" is just wrong. either you do love him or you don't, it is not something you allow, it is or it isn't.
4th-"T had very strong feelings for me just two months ago and was asking me to marry him, and now he's backed off." What happened to change this situation that you aren't disclosing? Men, and for that matter I would like to believe women, don't just stop having this kind of interest unless something has occured to convince them that they are wasting their affections.
5th-"When I talk to him I will ask him to clarify his feelings for me. I'm going to tell him how I feel." Tread carefully here, be sure of what you are doing and be prepared for the consiquences. They may not be what you would expect. If 'T' is unsure of where he stand or of what he wants this could "push" him in a direction you may not want. I would suggest trying to gently feel around for a clear response before you go to far with being completely forthcoming.

I know that this is a difficult situation with no easy answers. I will keep you and 'T' in prayer.
Father I want to lift up this couple before You, You know what is in their minds and hearts, and You know what plans You have for them both. We ask that you would either throw open the doors wide, or close them completely. Don't allow for the needless suffering of my sister.Give them both Your insight and understanding Lord. Provide them with surity, confidence, and a sense of peace in this matter. We ask this in the name of Your Blessed Son JC.

 

[Inperfected]

Hun.. I think it's over, and i think you know it. Just let it end.

 

[Jesus1stKing]

Hun.. I think it's over, and i think you know it. Just let it end.

OUCH!!!
considering her post was from 2 days ago, and she was talking about getting away for a few days HOW WOULD I HAVE KNOWN????

Perhapes you might consider a gentler way of making a point in the future.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I just got back last night. T called me frequently while I was gone. Apparently absence really can make the heart grow fonder. We didn't talk about anything serious in all of those conversations. He has family near where I was for several days and he kept mentioning that I could visit them. The day before I was to be near them I asked him if he had told them I was going to be in town and he had not so I did not visit them. If he had told me that he really wanted me to I would've.

We went to the movies with my kids tonight. We had a good time and he stuck around after I got my kids to bed even though it was late. We had some nice snuggling and the kisses that I had been missing. I can still smell his aftershave. Sniffff. I may sleep with this shirt on so I can fall asleep smelling him.

 

[Inperfected]

OUCH!!!
considering her post was from 2 days ago, and she was talking about getting away for a few days HOW WOULD I HAVE KNOWN????

Perhapes you might consider a gentler way of making a point in the future.

I was trying to be as gentle but as honest as I could. I've seen for months the hurt she's had from him and other men, and I know from her posts that she's wanting to get married, and not in the distant future. All I'm saying is he seems to be leading her on a piece of string, and the fruit I've seen is hurt, what by the way shouldn't be the main fruit of a satisfying relationship

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I was trying to be as gentle but as honest as I could. I've seen for months the hurt she's had from him and other men, and I know from her posts that she's wanting to get married, and not in the distant future. All I'm saying is he seems to be leading her on a piece of string, and the fruit I've seen is hurt, what by the way shouldn't be the main fruit of a satisfying relationship

Sometimes it's hard to really convey the whole picture here. While it does concern me that he was talking marriage soon and then it was a maybe; he has never not shown interest in me. One of the things that I appreciate about him is that he calls to check in and just let me know what's going on. I'm sure there have probably been one or two days when we didn't talk, but that's a rarity. He was honest when I asked him about his intentions so I wouldn't say he was stringing me along. I'm hoping we'll get together this evening and maybe have some clarifying conversation. I want to find some couple's reading that might get us to explore our relationship more and maybe help direct us.

It's interesting how things work out. I had let the online Floriday guy know my travel dates, but when T started started calling me so often I didn't make an effort to meet this other guy. (I really wanted him to be the one to take charge anyway.) When I got back the Florida guy let me know that he was about to begin courting someone.