Next semester *gulp*

[Katty]

*sigh* I guess I need to state straight out whats going on eh? *clears throat* I'm in Colorado for school and this has been the HARDEST months of my little short life. When I decided to come out here for school, I know that I did it out of obedience and in a lot of ways, I believe that God called me out here to stretch me into learning how to trust Him. I've been faced with that time and time again in the last few months. The thing is, I may end up transferring back home next semester. I guess the thing is is that everyone around me expects me to not quit, but I'm so emotionally and spiritually drained that I just feel like I need to re-energize. I feel like such a quitter if I end up back home. I've been praying about it a lot lately and I want to stay here in Colorado so bad, but then I also feel like I need to go back to MN to identify myself again before I come back out here. I've never been one to quit... and maybe this is my state of pride that I'm struggling with, but I'm torn between staying here or going back home where I'll enroll in another Christian college just for next semester where I can take my other Bible courses and then come back out here for the fall term. I know that I'm supposed to trust God in whatever I do especially at this point, but what if God calls me to go back home? What if He calls me to stay? I want to stay here, CCU offers so many good things, but with a lot of things that are happening internally, I'm breaking down. I don't just feel like I need to go home because I alone want to, but its this feeling that I can't shake off that the things I'm being faced with are just really draining me and I need to get those things straight. A lot of people are telling me that it may make things harder for me to come back out and I understand that, but at the same time, would that not put things into perspective? I'm so frustrated with myself for being such a wuss about this. Its goes deeper than just "Stick it out, babe" which is something that I've come to really despise hearing. If it was my own decision to go back home, believe me, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I have. Have I lost myself? Is this out of my own selfish wants and desires? There's advantages and disadvantages to both ends and I'm struggling to see where those two are to meet... if ever... I feel like I've failed What if I end up back home and hate it? What if I stay and hate it? I have then failed and there goes another regret that I have to live with. I know that either way, things won't get easier, but what in the world am I supposed to do? Can't God just ~POOF~ make my decisions? hehe.. I know I know... it doesn't happen like that, but still... what in the world?!?!?! I'm praying and seeking God about this and I'm also trying to keep an open mind about things either way. Have I failed...?

~In the waiting~
Katty


p.s. I didn't make much sense did I?

 

[LifeInYou]

hehe...awww, you made sense to me hun (but knowing the depth of my logic, that doesn't say much )

I can't relate to what you're going through as much as I'd like to because, unfortunately, many of the (foster) parents I lived with before I came to college suppressed, mistreated, and hurt me. I cried when I turned 18 because I was out of the system and I could finally breathe, grow, and be free. I can't get enough of being on my own. I can't get enough of being away from my 'family'. That sounds sad to say but many times in life our friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ, are much more 'family' to us, then our actual family. Being in college and on my own is like air to me.

Your situation is different, I realize, and I believe you have a supportive family environment to find refuge in whenever you need to. Definately pray about your decision. In addition, I think you should go (or stay) in the place where you can grow the most. College is about growth. If in returning to your family environment you feel you can still spread your wings and fly then by all means, go for it. The only downside I often hear of from people who still live with their parents is that the parents still treat them like children. Keep in mind that you may have to (once again) abide by whatever rules your parents uphold for their household. One of my sayings is "Once you've had that taste of freedom, you can never go back" but I cling to that statement probably moreso then others because of my past experiences (which is all we really have to go on).

I see benefits to both living situations- Staying in Colorado I see you being challenged to lean more on God to get you through. And the challenges you experience demanding growth, ultimately contributing to the woman you are becoming.

Going home- I see you finding refuge from the often burdensome circumstances that life brings us, and defining yourself again based on family ideals.

Weigh both options and choose which ever one possesses the most advantages for your life. I'll add your situation to my prayer list too.

 

[Katty]

If I do move back to MN, I actually won't be living at home... the school is still some ways away from actual "home"... *sigh* I feel like I've failed at the image that I've always clung onto... the independant girl. What in the world is wrong with me?


~Katty~

 

[sparrow1029]

You make sense to me, too

Actually, a lot of sense. A year ago, I was in a very similar situation. I had graduated from college, and applied to grad school, so sure that God wanted me to go. Well, all my applications were. . .rejected. All of a sudden, I was thrown into total confusion--my plans had all been laid in that one direction, and I didn't have any idea what I was supposed to do. I mean, I had other options, I just didn't like them very much. Each one involved complication upon complication, and I *still* had this gut feeling God wanted me in grad school. Well, a month passed and I started seeing that some of my motives were wrong--instead of going to school 'cause I wanted to please God, I also sorta wanted to go so I could get a nice job and make lots of money. So, God and I worked on that. Another month passed, and out of nowhere I got another chance to apply to a school I hadn't even considered the first time around. This time, my motives were in order, and I applied, and I got accepted, and here I am, in grad school.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, take it a day at a time, perhaps a minute at a time. You've already asked God for His input (He loves that), so I think waiting on Him is the right choice. He'll answer you, and arrange events for you, at exactly the right time. The process of getting you somewhere is very important to Him, because thats where your character is developed. You're in the "process" right now, and thats kinda exciting because God is giving you the chance to grow.

 

[LifeInYou]

If I do move back to MN, I actually won't be living at home... the school is still some ways away from actual "home"... *sigh* I feel like I've failed at the image that I've always clung onto... the independant girl. What in the world is wrong with me?


~Katty~

oh! okay, well what again will you be gaining by making the move back home? Do you just miss the home crowd? I'm confused.

 

[Katty]

sorry for confusing you. I won't be living at home being that the college is a little far to commute every morning, but still close enough to be able to connect to my original roots and the support system that I need... I just feel so drained from being here... theres a lot of factors that play into why I feel like I need to go home, but then there are other factors that play into why I feel like I need to stay... I just feel like I've lost my identity of whom I've become or who I was coming here... I'm suffering emotionally and spirtually also and it's driving me nuts... I feel so... *sigh* wussy-like to be even thinking about this... I'm such a big baby... more and more, this doesnt seem to make sense huh?

~Katty~

 

[sparrow1029]

Katty, I know you feel horrid right now, but, you know, it would be a bad thing if your identity was cemented in place at age 18. You're still in the process of becoming who you're gonna be. I get the feeling that this is one of those (many) events that will turn you into the person you're supposed to be. And, yeah, its confusing (I know its confusing), but I think its a mark of maturity that you're questioning who you are right now because thats what going to help you grow. Remember that when you are weak (and wussy like), God gets a chance to be strong.

 

[katelyn]

It can be so hard to make decisions sometimes. Especially when you feel like the decision could potentially change the entire course of your life.

Obviously I don't know all the details of your situation, but I would suggest that you think about your reason for wanting to stay. It sounds like the main reason you want to stay is to prove a point. Maybe there are other, valid reasons, and maybe you should stay - how am I to know? But I will say, God can work in us no matter where we are, and I think he cares more about the state of your heart than whether or not you can prove your independence by staying in Colorado.

I hope that you will be able to come to a decision and feel at least mostly confident about it. I think when it comes to decisions like this, it's easy to doubt ourselves, but at some point we just have to trust God that He'll work it out, whether we make the right move or not!

 

[enslow]

Was the only purpose to move so far away to gain 'independence'? Or was there a specific program that you couldn't get closer to home? I think that would weigh heavily on my decision.

If the exact same program is available closer to home, perhaps God only intended you to move just far enough away for you to experience the world on your own, but not so far away that you would not be able to help out with your family.

If the program is different enough, maybe God does want you to finish the program, then move back home.

I don't think God always expects us to cleave from our parents for the purpose of education or career. However, He does expect us to cleave from our parents when we marry.

Good luck!

Enslow