My husband and I were married almost four months ago. We got internet in our apartment about two months ago, and four days ago I found out that my husband has been struggling with internet pornography. I cried all afternoon (I accidentally found it on the computer) and we talked about it that night. As much as I despise all forms of pornography (it was why my parents divorced), I completely forgive him. God forgave him the second he asked for forgiveness, and I should do the same. But now, I feel like we can't be intimate. I cry b/c I think about what he did. I don't mean to, it just kinda happens. I don't want this to be something that I "hold over his head", I just want to move on. I have forgiven, but I don't know how to forget. If there is anyone out there who has been in my place, I'd love some advice!
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newly wed strife
- Thread starter weebit25
- Start date
Dedr Wounded Wife:
Your husband has sinned agaisnt God and against you, and direct action is now necessary to hold him accountable for his sin. This is where a godly, Bible-preaching church is so important. He must be held accountable for his sin by godly Christian men of maturity--as well as by you as his wife. He may--probably will--resist this accountability to other Christian men, but his refusal would be tantamount to a continued desire to sin. He must cut off access to the porn--NOW.
Now, as for the issue of sexual intimacy between you and your husband, I would encourage you to think about it this way: Shutting off intimacy and sexual fulfillment between husband and wife is probably the worst possible step at this time. I fully understand your sense of betrayal and woundedness. That is real and deserved. But you must hold your husband accountable to find ALL of his sexual fulfillment in you and your marital covenant.
I work with many, many guys caught up in this sin. Deal with it firmly. Hold him accountable. Get him help. Cut off his access. But do not close off his access to the marriage bed.
May God give you strength, resdolve, and healing,
HonorTruth
Your husband has sinned agaisnt God and against you, and direct action is now necessary to hold him accountable for his sin. This is where a godly, Bible-preaching church is so important. He must be held accountable for his sin by godly Christian men of maturity--as well as by you as his wife. He may--probably will--resist this accountability to other Christian men, but his refusal would be tantamount to a continued desire to sin. He must cut off access to the porn--NOW.
Now, as for the issue of sexual intimacy between you and your husband, I would encourage you to think about it this way: Shutting off intimacy and sexual fulfillment between husband and wife is probably the worst possible step at this time. I fully understand your sense of betrayal and woundedness. That is real and deserved. But you must hold your husband accountable to find ALL of his sexual fulfillment in you and your marital covenant.
I work with many, many guys caught up in this sin. Deal with it firmly. Hold him accountable. Get him help. Cut off his access. But do not close off his access to the marriage bed.
May God give you strength, resdolve, and healing,
HonorTruth
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Advice above is good, but I wanted to share with you that your response is very typical of any woman who has been 'cheated on,' whether in real life or via pornography. Women, for the most part, MUST feel that they are SAFE in order to respond properly sexually--there needs to be a high level of TRUST.
Your husband just broke your trust, so your response is perfectly normal and understandable. I wouldn't spend any time beating yourself up over it.
It might even be good to verbalize your reaction to him, telling him it causes you to really struggle in intimacy, because for a woman, trust is a huge part of it. He needs to know the hurt it causes you, becuase that can help motivate him to repent, BUT at the same time, you want to be really really careful to state your feelings once, at the right time and setting, and then never bring them up again...
That all being said, the above advice (in the previous post) is important because it helps to explain the man's perspective. Your sexual response to him tells him that he's important to you or that he isn't, as well as meets his physical needs. So while he's going through this time of struggle and dealing with all the issues that a pornography addiction brings with it, a healthy sex life will go a long way in helping him.
I guess all I'm trying to say is if (and when) you struggle with intimacy, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him. His own healing will be helped, and that makes it worth it, for the both of you. When the feelings of hurt, shame, and rejection wash over you, try to put them off and concentrate soley on giving him the time of his life.
praying for you!
Your husband just broke your trust, so your response is perfectly normal and understandable. I wouldn't spend any time beating yourself up over it.
It might even be good to verbalize your reaction to him, telling him it causes you to really struggle in intimacy, because for a woman, trust is a huge part of it. He needs to know the hurt it causes you, becuase that can help motivate him to repent, BUT at the same time, you want to be really really careful to state your feelings once, at the right time and setting, and then never bring them up again...
That all being said, the above advice (in the previous post) is important because it helps to explain the man's perspective. Your sexual response to him tells him that he's important to you or that he isn't, as well as meets his physical needs. So while he's going through this time of struggle and dealing with all the issues that a pornography addiction brings with it, a healthy sex life will go a long way in helping him.
I guess all I'm trying to say is if (and when) you struggle with intimacy, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him. His own healing will be helped, and that makes it worth it, for the both of you. When the feelings of hurt, shame, and rejection wash over you, try to put them off and concentrate soley on giving him the time of his life.
praying for you!
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Wow--the advice in Alaskamolly's post is really important. Thanks for adding a woman's thoughtful perspective to my comments. Let's pray for this couple.
HonorTruth
HonorTruth
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herev
CL--you are missed!
I agree with the above threads--as one who was once trapped by internet porn (long before I was married), I understand his guilt, his shame, his helplessness, but also the compulsion. I would also add to the above--and I would recommend this if you were one of my parishoners coming to their pastor--find a Christian counselor that both of you can go to and talk openly--insist on it from your husband. You need professional help here as much as you would if it had been a physical affair with your next-door neighbor!
God bless you
God bless you
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Jenna
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I just have a little side note to add. 
Addictions are tough stuff, so don't be surprised if this crops up again. I'm not saying that it neccessarily will, but please don't take it as any type of personal attack against your womanhood if it does. Sometimes it really does take a lot of time and patience to beat an addiction to pornography. Believe me, I know. My husband struggles with the same thing, and I've gone through the crying, pleading, and feeling like crud. Like everyone had to cram into my head and heart..... it isn't YOU. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you, that he feels the compulsion to look at that stuff. If he has a relapse (or a few), it isn't that you've done anything wrong or that he isn't really dedicated to beating the addiction.
Addictions are tough stuff, so don't be surprised if this crops up again. I'm not saying that it neccessarily will, but please don't take it as any type of personal attack against your womanhood if it does. Sometimes it really does take a lot of time and patience to beat an addiction to pornography. Believe me, I know. My husband struggles with the same thing, and I've gone through the crying, pleading, and feeling like crud. Like everyone had to cram into my head and heart..... it isn't YOU. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you, that he feels the compulsion to look at that stuff. If he has a relapse (or a few), it isn't that you've done anything wrong or that he isn't really dedicated to beating the addiction.
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Internet porn is NOYB. Leave him be. If he saw half the thoughts in your mind he'd freak too! Just because you know about internet porn doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He loves you, he married you. Give him that much.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Wait a minute...
God said it was a sin. You're saying it's nobody's business, that it's no big deal?
Sorry, but I have to totally disagree here. Pornography may be private in practice, but it's very public in it's consequences.
And besides, sins in private or public are still sins, and not something a Christian should be passively agreeing with.
It's one thing for someone to have a thought in their head. We're going to have wrong thoughts. That's why Paul exhorts us to take our thoughts captive. Not only does our own flesh give us ungodly thoughts, but the world does it's part, as does the Enemy. To have a sinful thought is not sin. To choose to dwell on it is.
Internet porn is not only choosing to dwell on ungodliness, it's literally seeking it out. And, as testified by many men, the addiction (like all addictions) never stays small. They all grow--that's their way.
Men today have to deal with sexual temptations never before known--at the click of a mouse they can be in fantasy land. No one's saying this is easy to rise above, or that they are idiot's for falling prey to it all.
But it would be equally wrong to say that because it's easy to succumb to, it's not worth fighting against. (You learn that lesson in "Logical Fallacies 101)."
Proverbs has some very specific things to say about "the wife of your youth," vs. "the harlot." It can be applied directly to our topic. One road leads to life, but the other down the gaping mouth of death. Now GOD knows men have a weakness for sexual sins...but GOD still said, "Control those passions--recieve what I give you and refuse that which lies outside My boundaries."
If I had a husband who struggled with porn, I wouldn't turn my eyes and ignore it when he played around with the harlots, because I wouldn't let anyone I love go down that road, and I would hope my loved ones would love me enough to do the same for me. Becoming a nagging whining wife isn't going to help him, sure, but becoming a doormat isn't either.
Blessings,
Molly
God said it was a sin. You're saying it's nobody's business, that it's no big deal?
Sorry, but I have to totally disagree here. Pornography may be private in practice, but it's very public in it's consequences.
And besides, sins in private or public are still sins, and not something a Christian should be passively agreeing with.
It's one thing for someone to have a thought in their head. We're going to have wrong thoughts. That's why Paul exhorts us to take our thoughts captive. Not only does our own flesh give us ungodly thoughts, but the world does it's part, as does the Enemy. To have a sinful thought is not sin. To choose to dwell on it is.
Internet porn is not only choosing to dwell on ungodliness, it's literally seeking it out. And, as testified by many men, the addiction (like all addictions) never stays small. They all grow--that's their way.
Men today have to deal with sexual temptations never before known--at the click of a mouse they can be in fantasy land. No one's saying this is easy to rise above, or that they are idiot's for falling prey to it all.
But it would be equally wrong to say that because it's easy to succumb to, it's not worth fighting against. (You learn that lesson in "Logical Fallacies 101)."
Proverbs has some very specific things to say about "the wife of your youth," vs. "the harlot." It can be applied directly to our topic. One road leads to life, but the other down the gaping mouth of death. Now GOD knows men have a weakness for sexual sins...but GOD still said, "Control those passions--recieve what I give you and refuse that which lies outside My boundaries."
If I had a husband who struggled with porn, I wouldn't turn my eyes and ignore it when he played around with the harlots, because I wouldn't let anyone I love go down that road, and I would hope my loved ones would love me enough to do the same for me. Becoming a nagging whining wife isn't going to help him, sure, but becoming a doormat isn't either.
Blessings,
Molly
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E
EmSchmem
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Um no. They are one so it MOST CERTAINLY is her business. Other than that DESI I'm just going to leave the rest of this alone.desi said:
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EmSchmem
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weebit, I definately agree with the counseling. My husband has struggled with something similar since he was 12 and it got better and it got worse and it finally came to light a few months ago. He's in counseling right now and I will be going with him to his next appoinment. The struggle isn't going to just go away but tools are established to deal with the temptation on his part and be open with me. Our sex life DOES have some to do with it but that does NOT mean I am responsible for his sin.
This being said it is not true that you can't be intimate. It is amazingly difficult I know but if you trust the Lord and really and truly depend on him it WILL happen. I know this from experience. And it is necessary. It may not be necessary for his struggle but it is necessary for your marriage. You can start small but it is going to have to happen sometime.
This being said it is not true that you can't be intimate. It is amazingly difficult I know but if you trust the Lord and really and truly depend on him it WILL happen. I know this from experience. And it is necessary. It may not be necessary for his struggle but it is necessary for your marriage. You can start small but it is going to have to happen sometime.
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Your struggle with physical intimacy with him is a consequence of his sin. This is his fault. He needs to know this and understand this.
I understand the male perspective that sex is very important to them and that sex makes them feel very loved and as he is struggling with his problem, he needs to feel very loved. But his sin has destroyed the very intimacy he craves.
However, true healing is avaliable through God's grace. You both need some counseling that will help him understand the depths of the damage he has done and help him leave this addiction behind. You willl need help in learning to re-trust. The ability to do that does not come near as quickly as forgivness.
I understand the male perspective that sex is very important to them and that sex makes them feel very loved and as he is struggling with his problem, he needs to feel very loved. But his sin has destroyed the very intimacy he craves.
However, true healing is avaliable through God's grace. You both need some counseling that will help him understand the depths of the damage he has done and help him leave this addiction behind. You willl need help in learning to re-trust. The ability to do that does not come near as quickly as forgivness.
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Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to know that there are other people that take the time to offer support to someone they don't know. I have disconnected the internet and my husband and I have much better communication now. My church is filled with Godly men who are willing to hold him accountable, but he has to make the decision to say something, it is not my place. And to those who think it is none of my business, you obviously have no idea the effects that pornography can have on a marriage.
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