Newly Married Man

[Admund]

Hello, as the title states I've been recently married to my first and only girlfriend of 5years. Both of us are Christians.

Leading up to marriage, the thought of finally being able to be intimate (in the mind of a man/guy) was very exciting. I'll preface that yes I've sinned and have watched porn before and that has planted ideas & expectations for sure.

Fast forward to 4.5 months after our wedding...I'm at times thinking is sex overrated? Who knew it was so difficult to engage in intercourse. Constantly failing. When we do try, it's always painful for her. My wife tells me she's not very sexual and she has body image/confidence issues (she's not fat...she just has put on some extra fat around the waist and legs). Whereas, I'm like having my engines already pre-heated ready to go anytime. I thought of buying lingerie for her, but after doing so realized it's mainly *for me*. She doesn't enjoy wearing them at all, has body image issues, feels uncomfortable...etc. Perhaps because I've watched porn before I have this expectation, that if we were to dress up, do a little setting up to make the atmosphere more sexy then sex would be easier. In no way am I interested in 3somes, sex with another female and all those porn fetishes - I just want to enjoy sex with my wife, she's the only woman I've been this intimate with. Usually I'm initiating, she doesn't try to surprise me when I come home late after work...or wear something nice/sexy when we agree to try again.

So I feel resentful at times...like my expectations (magic word) are not being met. Sometimes I project into the future and think what if my (me me me) sex life is just going to be this limp? would we end up having no sex at all? then that would make me retreat and be cold towards her, and she would do the same..and our marriage would end up in a divorce? And then the thought of having a family one day, doesn't seem possible at the moment as well.. Like I want passionate love making that will produce my children with my wife. Doomsday thinking of mine...probably because I'm impatient. But in the moment, it feels very real...
I don't feel like on top of the world even though I finally married the woman who made me come out of my comfort zone, to be brave and pop the question.
I also think am I expecting too much/is it wrong - for her to wear sexy clothing, to be playful and initiate sex to me? At the moment it seems like it's all HER fault for not doing this...or that...or being unable to do...etc. Or is it just because of my DAMN expectations?


I hope those who've been married can advice me... I'm just sexually frustrated, seriously.
Thanks.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Hello,

It took a while for my wife and I to finally be able to have sex as well. You're not alone. It took almost 3 really long years before we were able to finally have sex. We didn't wait to be married before we tried having sex but we were married for like 2 months before it finally worked.

My wife doesn't really have all that high of a sex drive either. We mostly just have sex for the purposes of procreation and I almost always have to beg her. It is frustrating but these are the women that God has given us to be our wives. As for Lingerie and her being uncomfortable with her body I'd say that yes you have too high of expectations. Women in porn are highly unrealistic and It's all faked. There's no real love in porn.

If she's uncomfortable with wearing Lingerie for you than you can't force her to wear it. My wife almost never wears anything to please me and I am fine with it. As for her not surprising you when you come home join the club. My wife hasn't did that once in the 3 years we've been married.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Being a 99% free of porn I can tell you looking at porn for years on end before marriage makes a MASSIVE difference when it comes to your sex life when you marry. It does indeed affect the brain. Porns addicting because theres always something new to look at. Its "rewarding". Porns always this perfect thing where people with perfect bodies have perfect sex that's wild, crazy and long.

Once married you find out fast that's not how sex is. In reality sex isn't perfect. It can be messy. It may not even work at times. And it may not always be super pleasurable. In some cases men don't "last long" and women take a long time to warm up. It's complicated.

For me before I married I had realized my porn probably would affect sex. I didn't go into marriage expecting sex to be like in porn. BUT... part of me still had ideas going like "Oh I gotta try this with her and that with her! Maybe it can still work!". Needless to say while I to some degree expected things to be not as exciting, I still had some frustration. So yes, porn has damaged your minds view of sex and thus real sex seems frustrating and overrated. Good news is over time if you two work together it becomes enjoyable, even in those moments where things don't go as planned. You can laugh it off and be like "Well maybe next time (laughter)!".

Now to address certain things. Assuming your wife was a virgin, she's going to have pain for a while. Its why you don't want to put to much pressure on her because in her mind shes probably a bit more scared of sex because of the pain. Over time there shouldn't be anymore pain. Although if there is she should see a OB/Gyn about it. For some women they also my have pain because of a condom (if you use one). For my wife once we stopped using them, her pain went away.

Also remember too if you want to get her more excited about sex, make sure foreplay takes place. As in you two mess around with each other before having sex. A woman's body need times to warm up. If you just try and uh "get in" right away and have sex it may hurt as her body hasn't naturally lubed up inside. Also don't rush once sex eventually does start. Because men tend to not last long, many women often start to see sex as a chore and hate it because the men are eager to have a big "O" and forget about the women wanting one. Granted getting a woman to that big "O" is another topic by itself. Its not always easy or possible.

As for lingerie, I tried that with my wife too but she also doesn't like wearing it. She knows its more for the man's view but she says its uncomfortable and itchy. So we don't bother with it anymore.

Another issue I should mention from porn is the mans ability to stay "Excited". If you find yourself having a hard time getting excited or stating excited for long, thats a side effect of the porn usually.

Good news about all this is things can get better. It just takes time. And it means you have to work on rewiring your brain to realize porn sex is fake sex (so to speak). If you don't then sex will always be fruterating and it may ruin the marriage as both people could end up bitter about the issue.

 

[Admund]

Hello,
... for Lingerie and her being uncomfortable with her body I'd say that yes you have too high of expectations. Women in porn are highly unrealistic and It's all faked./QUOTE]

Yeah I agree, I know porn is fake. I'm no hunk of muscle myself...but again expectations...I was hoping that she could be more confident with us together.

Now to address certain things. Assuming your wife was a virgin, she's going to have pain for a while. Its why you don't want to put to much pressure on her because in her mind shes probably a bit more scared of sex because of the pain. Over time there shouldn't be anymore pain. Although if there is she should see a OB/Gyn about it. For some women they also my have pain because of a condom (if you use one). For my wife once we stopped using them, her pain went away.

Also remember too if you want to get her more excited about sex, make sure foreplay takes place. As in you two mess around with each other before having sex. A woman's body need times to warm up. If you just try and uh "get in" right away and have sex it may hurt as her body hasn't naturally lubed up inside. Also don't rush once sex eventually does start. Because men tend to not last long, many women often start to see sex as a chore and hate it because the men are eager to have a big "O" and forget about the women wanting one. Granted getting a woman to that big "O" is another topic by itself. Its not always easy or possible.
...

Another issue I should mention from porn is the mans ability to stay "Excited". If you find yourself having a hard time getting excited or stating excited for long, thats a side effect of the porn usually.
/QUOTE]

We do engage in foreplay before going for the Pen, and it's still painful for her. I've even brought her to O before trying to go in and it's also painful. When I see her in pain and saying it's pain, it takes me out of it and I go limp...

Yes porn is unrealistic...people in there just make it work. I've got friends who also recently got married, and within the first year they already can deliver a baby, which makes me question whether is there something wrong that me or my wife are doing?

 

[tall73]

We do engage in foreplay before going for the Pen, and it's still painful for her. I've even brought her to O before trying to go in and it's also painful. When I see her in pain and saying it's pain, it takes me out of it and I go limp...

If she is experiencing pain four months in even when not doing penetration you probably need a visit to the doctor.

Also, while clitorial stimulation is important, direct contact, especially early in the arousal process, can be painful. So start very indirect.

You might see if any of these match up with what she is experiencing:

Painful Sex in Women

 

[HonoringIntimates]

tall73,

Sorry to hear about this. There are some excellent resources for low libido wives (see Home • Bonny's Oysterbed7). Also, sex may be painful if she is not using lubricant. Try going slowly and using an organic lubricant. Honoring Intimates has some great options.

Hang in there!

Hello, as the title states I've been recently married to my first and only girlfriend of 5years. Both of us are Christians.

Leading up to marriage, the thought of finally being able to be intimate (in the mind of a man/guy) was very exciting. I'll preface that yes I've sinned and have watched porn before and that has planted ideas & expectations for sure.

Fast forward to 4.5 months after our wedding...I'm at times thinking is sex overrated? Who knew it was so difficult to engage in intercourse. Constantly failing. When we do try, it's always painful for her. My wife tells me she's not very sexual and she has body image/confidence issues (she's not fat...she just has put on some extra fat around the waist and legs). Whereas, I'm like having my engines already pre-heated ready to go anytime. I thought of buying lingerie for her, but after doing so realized it's mainly *for me*. She doesn't enjoy wearing them at all, has body image issues, feels uncomfortable...etc. Perhaps because I've watched porn before I have this expectation, that if we were to dress up, do a little setting up to make the atmosphere more sexy then sex would be easier. In no way am I interested in 3somes, sex with another female and all those porn fetishes - I just want to enjoy sex with my wife, she's the only woman I've been this intimate with. Usually I'm initiating, she doesn't try to surprise me when I come home late after work...or wear something nice/sexy when we agree to try again.

So I feel resentful at times...like my expectations (magic word) are not being met. Sometimes I project into the future and think what if my (me me me) sex life is just going to be this limp? would we end up having no sex at all? then that would make me retreat and be cold towards her, and she would do the same..and our marriage would end up in a divorce? And then the thought of having a family one day, doesn't seem possible at the moment as well.. Like I want passionate love making that will produce my children with my wife. Doomsday thinking of mine...probably because I'm impatient. But in the moment, it feels very real...
I don't feel like on top of the world even though I finally married the woman who made me come out of my comfort zone, to be brave and pop the question.
I also think am I expecting too much/is it wrong - for her to wear sexy clothing, to be playful and initiate sex to me? At the moment it seems like it's all HER fault for not doing this...or that...or being unable to do...etc. Or is it just because of my DAMN expectations?


I hope those who've been married can advice me... I'm just sexually frustrated, seriously.
Thanks.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

For the body issues/stress I recommend the following. Keep in mind that there is no expectation of sex following this unless she initiates.

Both of you stand in your bedroom when it is calm, quiet, and relaxing. Close the door, face each other and both of you take off your clothes. Explain that you two are shedding your worries, anxieties, etc in the form of clothes. Face her, hold her hands, look her deeply in the eyes and quietly talk to her. That all of the worries, anxieties, etc are over there but you two are here.
Hug, talk, and just be comfortable with each other and your own bodies.

Something I made up but it seems work when stress, anxiety, or some outside issue pops up.