Hi everyone, I'm new here. About 3 weeks ago my husband decided he wanted a divorce after almost 17 years together. He said he still loves me but yet he can't handle when there's any conflict in life. Every year, for the last 10 years or so, if we get in an argument or disagreement he automatically wants a divorce. This time I didn't argue. I'm tired. I feel like I was all in in our marriage. I never asked for a divorce. Even in the worst of times. But I'm a christian and he's not. So he doesn't have that same devotion. I often think, God never gives up on us, and yet I gave up on my marriage. So I somewhat blame myself. I shouldn't have given up. I just got so tired of the constant wondering if he was going to leave this time. I feel like I've let God down. It really makes me sad.
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
Newly divorced, not my choice
- Thread starter plainolmelissa
- Start date
AphroditeGoneAwry
Well-Known Member
- Dec 2, 2012
- 517
- 173
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Libertarian
Upvote
0
He's the one that left. He's the one that filed the paperwork. He's the one that said he can't do it anymore. He's the one who said he won't do counseling again (we did the last time he wanted a divorce and it helped). I really wanted us to be together for life. I was in it for life! Makes me sad that it's so easy for him to walk away from 17 years and from our two kids. Yes he has joint custody but it's not the same.
Upvote
0
olds8598
Overcomer of Divorce
plainolmelissa,
Welcome.
When I read your subject line, I immediately had to read it. I too did not want my divorce. We were two months shy of eleven years. I also wanted it to be for life. Believe me, I know how you feel.
From your writing, you have nothing to feel bad about. He left, after years of inability to handle conflict resulting in his "I want a divorce" attitude. You didn't give up on the marriage; he did. You didn't let God down. It seems like you "fought the good fight" and hung in there. You never wanted divorce even in the worst times, you did counseling, you wanted it to be forever--I believe our Holy Father smiles down on you for all you attempted.
{{hugs}}
Welcome.
When I read your subject line, I immediately had to read it. I too did not want my divorce. We were two months shy of eleven years. I also wanted it to be for life. Believe me, I know how you feel.
From your writing, you have nothing to feel bad about. He left, after years of inability to handle conflict resulting in his "I want a divorce" attitude. You didn't give up on the marriage; he did. You didn't let God down. It seems like you "fought the good fight" and hung in there. You never wanted divorce even in the worst times, you did counseling, you wanted it to be forever--I believe our Holy Father smiles down on you for all you attempted.
{{hugs}}
Upvote
0
Thank you for the kind words olds. Makes me oh so sad. Weekends are the worst. And I constantly question my giving in. I see it as God never gives up on me. Even after my less than full devotion he doesn't give up on me. But I gave up on my husband. God wouldn't give up on him. So why is it ok that I gave up on him? Yes he wanted it, he filed the papers but I didn't have to sign them? I could have told him no. But he still would have moved out and on with his life.
Upvote
0
olds8598
Overcomer of Divorce
Do things YOU like to do by yourself and for yourself: a hobby, shopping, rent a movie or comedy, go to the movies, be with friends, etc. Distract yourself with enjoyable things. Occupy your mind. Be active.
In terms of questioning yourself, I wouldn't; or I would work on not doing it. We will always fall short. God knows this. That is why He sent His Son. He knows your heart. Pray to Him. Talk to Him as if He was physically in the room (though technically, He is). Ask Him to help you with your self-questioning along with the grieving.
Unfortunately, you cannot dance with someone who doesn't want to dance. Your husband, like my ex, didn't want to dance with us anymore. I offered her forgiveness, and later the chance to sit down and talk in an attempt to save the marriage. She refused both offerings. I wrote and asked what part did I play in this. She never responded. I hurt that she put her family before us/me, but my conscience is clear. You did similar things. Even though you hurt, let your conscience be clear.
BTW: If I do not respond right away, do not take offense. I work a 2nd and 3rd shift job, and I am working on getting a better one. I have been prepping for this career change for months. (It has been a great distraction for me in terms of grieving, as I also have immersed myself in re-learning an old industry of mine.) I was planning to start sending out resumes January 2. Perhaps it is the Lord's doing: I received an email a few days ago from a company in my old field; they are looking. I applied online and might have an initial interview this week.
Upvote
0
Thank you for the advice. I have been keeping myself busy on the weekends. During the week is busy enough. On the weekends its running the kids here n there, house projects, church and friends. Somehow I still manage to find time to be sad. But I keep telling myself I will get through this. My kids and I will. Just going to take time.
Good luck on your career change.
Good luck on your career change.
Upvote
0
iambren
Newbie
- Mar 2, 2008
- 3,223
- 163
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Nazarene
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Republican
This is one of those posts that I don't think anyone can decide accurately;especially with so little specifics on what was going on between you two. Obviously he had HIS reasons for leaving and seemed to want to have one foot out the door at all times.
That could be that you were overbearing,abusive,that he couldn't commit emotionally....like being in a burning house he lived with the impulse to get out to save himself for SOME reason.
" Whoever leaves is the one who bailed on the marriage."
This is wrong--You mean a battered woman that leaves a marriage "bailed" on the marriage? There are a LOT of people that wish their marriage could survive but have to leave for safety/mental reasons.
That could be that you were overbearing,abusive,that he couldn't commit emotionally....like being in a burning house he lived with the impulse to get out to save himself for SOME reason.
" Whoever leaves is the one who bailed on the marriage."
This is wrong--You mean a battered woman that leaves a marriage "bailed" on the marriage? There are a LOT of people that wish their marriage could survive but have to leave for safety/mental reasons.
Upvote
0
dayhiker
Mature veteran
- Sep 13, 2006
- 15,561
- 5,305
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Charismatic
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
- Politics
- US-Others
What have the arguments been about over the years? Some issue, new issue each time? Have issues been resolved so that it feels like you two made progress? Or no resolution and so it feels like you are going round and round.
How has the communication been when these things are talked about. Does he get his feels out and accepted? Do you communicate with I statements .. who is blaming who? Who is accepting the other? Is one person always winding the argument? Is anyone being self-righteous?
How has the communication been when these things are talked about. Does he get his feels out and accepted? Do you communicate with I statements .. who is blaming who? Who is accepting the other? Is one person always winding the argument? Is anyone being self-righteous?
Upvote
0
H
HNR
Guest
Hi there,
I am sorry that you feeling this pain. I pray that God gives you His peace.
May I start be asking you why you consider that this is over? Has your husband remarried? I am of the controversial opinion that if two previously married people remain unmarried - even after they have divorced - there is still hope if you put your trust and faith in God - no matter how bleak things seem. If you earnestly desire a reconciliation - and refuse to let pride and unforgiveness become obstacles - it's absolutely possible. Remember, with God, "...all things are possible (Matthew 19:26) (Note I said, remain "unmarried" and not just 'single' or 'unavailable', because the Lord has been known to work in situations where a wayward spouse has left for someone else - and have still returned to their former spouse because they have not remarried). God sees people renew their marriage vows - after a divorce - all the time.
From what you have told us, your husband became fed-up of - what I'm guessing to be - common marital strife, and you, yourself, confessed you were 'tired'. I think you could honestly benefit from a break as you sound worn out.
Use this time apart from your husband to take a break from the conflict and further deepen your relationship with God and be personally guided by Him and His word in your current situation. I do not believe that getting your husband back is an impossibility - far from it; the bible says: "....seek ye first the kingdom and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33.
Ask Him where things went wrong and to show you things about you that you could change to become more Christ like, particularly in relation to your husband. God's love that worked through Jesus drew people to Him. Ask God daily to mould and shape you with guidance through His Holy Spirit.
I assume, due to you having joint custody of the children, that you meet with your husband regularly. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you with all dealings with your husband and be kind, gentle and sweet natured towards him. Make each interaction pleasurable for him. Ask him how he is - share a joke or two with him. Ensure that you don't make him feel guilty about leaving; it will give him a sense of justification about leaving if you do and he will try avoid you if he feels condemned. He may be open to you if you are warm and welcoming. It's important that he doesn't feel any pressure. If he sees a Christ like attitude in you, he may be become drawn to you. Pray before each meeting with him that he experiences the fruit of the Spirit working in you ".. love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.." and he may come to enjoy interactions with you, or at least be put at ease.
You can be sure that the enemy has deceived your husband - as he does with us all from time to time - telling him to leave the marriage, and he'd be happier as a result, so please try not to blame him. It really serves no purpose.
If you desire to be reconciled with your husband tell God, as He gives us "the desires of our hearts" (Psalm 37:4) and pray blessings on your husband daily and pray that he may come to know Jesus. Your husband did not have a relationship with God beforehand; who's to say that God cannot use this breakup to help establish one with him and make your marriage one in Christ? Doesn't He work in ways that seem strange to us, and in the worst of circumstances? Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." God can turn this round - but you have to trust in Him and His timing. "Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9).
If you think of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), for example, we get the impression that it took a long time before he "came to his senses" and was reconciled to his father (he's spent the whole of his inheritance, so that must have taken awhile). It could be years before your husband realises what he's thrown away, and remembers that - aside from some heated rows- things were not as bad as he perceived them at the time. Stand firm on God's promises and quote the scriptures containing them and trust God!
May God bless you and your family - including you "ex"-husband
I am sorry that you feeling this pain. I pray that God gives you His peace.
May I start be asking you why you consider that this is over? Has your husband remarried? I am of the controversial opinion that if two previously married people remain unmarried - even after they have divorced - there is still hope if you put your trust and faith in God - no matter how bleak things seem. If you earnestly desire a reconciliation - and refuse to let pride and unforgiveness become obstacles - it's absolutely possible. Remember, with God, "...all things are possible (Matthew 19:26) (Note I said, remain "unmarried" and not just 'single' or 'unavailable', because the Lord has been known to work in situations where a wayward spouse has left for someone else - and have still returned to their former spouse because they have not remarried). God sees people renew their marriage vows - after a divorce - all the time.
From what you have told us, your husband became fed-up of - what I'm guessing to be - common marital strife, and you, yourself, confessed you were 'tired'. I think you could honestly benefit from a break as you sound worn out.
Use this time apart from your husband to take a break from the conflict and further deepen your relationship with God and be personally guided by Him and His word in your current situation. I do not believe that getting your husband back is an impossibility - far from it; the bible says: "....seek ye first the kingdom and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33.
Ask Him where things went wrong and to show you things about you that you could change to become more Christ like, particularly in relation to your husband. God's love that worked through Jesus drew people to Him. Ask God daily to mould and shape you with guidance through His Holy Spirit.
I assume, due to you having joint custody of the children, that you meet with your husband regularly. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you with all dealings with your husband and be kind, gentle and sweet natured towards him. Make each interaction pleasurable for him. Ask him how he is - share a joke or two with him. Ensure that you don't make him feel guilty about leaving; it will give him a sense of justification about leaving if you do and he will try avoid you if he feels condemned. He may be open to you if you are warm and welcoming. It's important that he doesn't feel any pressure. If he sees a Christ like attitude in you, he may be become drawn to you. Pray before each meeting with him that he experiences the fruit of the Spirit working in you ".. love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.." and he may come to enjoy interactions with you, or at least be put at ease.
You can be sure that the enemy has deceived your husband - as he does with us all from time to time - telling him to leave the marriage, and he'd be happier as a result, so please try not to blame him. It really serves no purpose.
If you desire to be reconciled with your husband tell God, as He gives us "the desires of our hearts" (Psalm 37:4) and pray blessings on your husband daily and pray that he may come to know Jesus. Your husband did not have a relationship with God beforehand; who's to say that God cannot use this breakup to help establish one with him and make your marriage one in Christ? Doesn't He work in ways that seem strange to us, and in the worst of circumstances? Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." God can turn this round - but you have to trust in Him and His timing. "Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9).
If you think of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), for example, we get the impression that it took a long time before he "came to his senses" and was reconciled to his father (he's spent the whole of his inheritance, so that must have taken awhile). It could be years before your husband realises what he's thrown away, and remembers that - aside from some heated rows- things were not as bad as he perceived them at the time. Stand firm on God's promises and quote the scriptures containing them and trust God!
May God bless you and your family - including you "ex"-husband
Last edited:
Upvote
0
Tropical Wilds
Little Lebowski Urban Achiever
- Oct 2, 2009
- 6,799
- 4,944
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
At the end of the day, what gets us in trouble is living the life we wish we had at the expense of reality.
So you got a divorce and you didn't really want it, but you feel that you gave tacit agreement through compliance. Ok, so I understand that. Let me assuage some of the guilt you have now... If you had fought the divorce, it'd have happened anyway. You'd have just made it harder for him and you, made him resent you more, and wasted time and money to only arrive at the same outcome. What if you hadn't signed the papers? The divorce still would have gone through, only you wouldn't have been represented, nor would have your needs or requests. It'd have been an uncontested divorce due to inaction and he'd have gotten everything he wanted without any feedback from you, in some states (like mine), that may have meant the parenting plan/visitation would have been dictated only by him. So by his filing, he's the only one who could have stopped it. There's nothing you could have done to change that. You could have made it worse, harder, more contentious for you and the kids, but you couldn't have stopped it.
Secondly, we have to accept that the marriage... It's over. Maybe things will change down the road, probably they won't. You can play the games of truing to lure him back, but one of three things could happen:
1. He will be glad that you've taken the mature route and he will interpret your behavior as simple civility and further consent to your happiness with the divorce, which he may return because he's also happy to be divorced or because he feels you're OK, or simply him being nice, but it won't be anything more than that... Though you may interpret it as meaning more as it does.
2. He won't notice and/or won't care. He's focusing on himself and his life, not what you are doing to try and integrate yourself back into it or what your needs are of him. That's why people get divorced... So they don't have to care or involve themselves. And you'll either over-interpret his actions or you'll become frustrated.
3. He will see your behavior for what it is and either ignore it, you, or distance himself, and/or get irritated that you don't seem to accept that you're divorced and you'll end up souring the relationship.
Even if we were going your best case scenario, he sees the errors of his ways and comes back, you guys rekindle the relationship and remarry, statistically the success of your remarriage is less than that of any other demographic. Why? Because people realize it's a lot easier to be friendly during a 5 minute child hand-off than it is to be married to that person. The same old problems will be there and the same old results will overwhelmingly likely occur.
A divorce you didn't want is I'm sure hard, but we need to be realistic about the reality of the situation. You can either bemoan it happened and allow that event to dictate your life, or you can see it for what it is and try to make the best of it. Pretending that you still have some sort of marital right to a former spouse or that there's a chance for a rekindling "if only," it's just not healthy. It'll do more to make you crazy and make him think you're crazy than it will put you back in a happy marriage.
So you got a divorce and you didn't really want it, but you feel that you gave tacit agreement through compliance. Ok, so I understand that. Let me assuage some of the guilt you have now... If you had fought the divorce, it'd have happened anyway. You'd have just made it harder for him and you, made him resent you more, and wasted time and money to only arrive at the same outcome. What if you hadn't signed the papers? The divorce still would have gone through, only you wouldn't have been represented, nor would have your needs or requests. It'd have been an uncontested divorce due to inaction and he'd have gotten everything he wanted without any feedback from you, in some states (like mine), that may have meant the parenting plan/visitation would have been dictated only by him. So by his filing, he's the only one who could have stopped it. There's nothing you could have done to change that. You could have made it worse, harder, more contentious for you and the kids, but you couldn't have stopped it.
Secondly, we have to accept that the marriage... It's over. Maybe things will change down the road, probably they won't. You can play the games of truing to lure him back, but one of three things could happen:
1. He will be glad that you've taken the mature route and he will interpret your behavior as simple civility and further consent to your happiness with the divorce, which he may return because he's also happy to be divorced or because he feels you're OK, or simply him being nice, but it won't be anything more than that... Though you may interpret it as meaning more as it does.
2. He won't notice and/or won't care. He's focusing on himself and his life, not what you are doing to try and integrate yourself back into it or what your needs are of him. That's why people get divorced... So they don't have to care or involve themselves. And you'll either over-interpret his actions or you'll become frustrated.
3. He will see your behavior for what it is and either ignore it, you, or distance himself, and/or get irritated that you don't seem to accept that you're divorced and you'll end up souring the relationship.
Even if we were going your best case scenario, he sees the errors of his ways and comes back, you guys rekindle the relationship and remarry, statistically the success of your remarriage is less than that of any other demographic. Why? Because people realize it's a lot easier to be friendly during a 5 minute child hand-off than it is to be married to that person. The same old problems will be there and the same old results will overwhelmingly likely occur.
A divorce you didn't want is I'm sure hard, but we need to be realistic about the reality of the situation. You can either bemoan it happened and allow that event to dictate your life, or you can see it for what it is and try to make the best of it. Pretending that you still have some sort of marital right to a former spouse or that there's a chance for a rekindling "if only," it's just not healthy. It'll do more to make you crazy and make him think you're crazy than it will put you back in a happy marriage.
Upvote
0
H
HNR
Guest
Hello Melissa, I take it you came to a Christian forum to seek advice which lines up with the Word of God. You've said you did not want this divorce. I would encourage you to find testimony of (with God's intervention) marriages which were restored and made better. Find a variety of the direst circumstances which prove that God is awesome and He can restore marriages in much worse condition than yours was in.
After all's said and done and you've read everyone's advice, seek God and pray that the Holy Spirit guides you to His promises in scripture. Let Him have the ultimate say. Remember "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and ".....He will give you the desires of your heart".
Look among fellow Christians - who trusted and held fast to Him - for stories of amazing reconciliations - if that's what you want and if you trust and believe because "with God, all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) if you believe and have faith as small as a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20). Remember, He said "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27
God bless you
After all's said and done and you've read everyone's advice, seek God and pray that the Holy Spirit guides you to His promises in scripture. Let Him have the ultimate say. Remember "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and ".....He will give you the desires of your heart".
Look among fellow Christians - who trusted and held fast to Him - for stories of amazing reconciliations - if that's what you want and if you trust and believe because "with God, all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) if you believe and have faith as small as a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20). Remember, He said "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27
God bless you
Last edited:
Upvote
0
So what was the reason for the break up? Was there betrayal or abuse involved, or was it a case of chronic... meh.
Upvote
0
JohnDB
Regular Member
Yet another reason not to get involved with a non-christian person.
I know you don't want to hear "I told ya so" but it is true.
BUT
I do know that there is life on the other side of all of this...a great one. Better than you could hope for but the big thing is to learn your lesson.
You will eventually find a life outside of all the necessities in life of shuttling kids and working to earn a living. It happens eventually. It takes time.
And real healing time is what you need. Be glad for the business your life is at the moment. The "empty weekends" when the children are busy with visiting their father (and they need this time) you can do stuff. I would avoid all flirts and attempts of other guys to date at this moment in time. Wait for a couple of years as it won't be fair to another individual to perpetrate your roller coaster emotions upon them. (And yes your emotions will be on a roller coaster for the next two years at least)
No, things didn't go as you had hoped. But there is a new life awaiting you out there. You just have to go and live it.
I know you don't want to hear "I told ya so" but it is true.
BUT
I do know that there is life on the other side of all of this...a great one. Better than you could hope for but the big thing is to learn your lesson.
You will eventually find a life outside of all the necessities in life of shuttling kids and working to earn a living. It happens eventually. It takes time.
And real healing time is what you need. Be glad for the business your life is at the moment. The "empty weekends" when the children are busy with visiting their father (and they need this time) you can do stuff. I would avoid all flirts and attempts of other guys to date at this moment in time. Wait for a couple of years as it won't be fair to another individual to perpetrate your roller coaster emotions upon them. (And yes your emotions will be on a roller coaster for the next two years at least)
No, things didn't go as you had hoped. But there is a new life awaiting you out there. You just have to go and live it.
Upvote
0
Annessa3
Faith
right there with ya, Melissa. 17 years, divorced in Slate Sept. Like Olds, I didn't want it, but there it is.
I looked back. I didn't see a question that you wanted answers to, I saw an expression of your feelings.
so all I can say is keep walking forward and keep looking to God. There need not be blame; but if you're looking to learn from it, you will
I learned things thru this; that my love is not unconditional. God's is. And His is the only pure and unconditional love. And as for getting back together? Why walk backward?
You and the kids WILL get through it. There will be tears, but Joy comes in the morning.
all the best-
I looked back. I didn't see a question that you wanted answers to, I saw an expression of your feelings.
so all I can say is keep walking forward and keep looking to God. There need not be blame; but if you're looking to learn from it, you will
I learned things thru this; that my love is not unconditional. God's is. And His is the only pure and unconditional love. And as for getting back together? Why walk backward?
You and the kids WILL get through it. There will be tears, but Joy comes in the morning.
all the best-
Upvote
0
JohnDB
Regular Member
Oh yeah...I was married for 17 years when my wife surprised me with divorce papers as well...was looking for things to get better and instead...I found that light coming from under the door was the wonderful new life awaiting me. I now have a wife who is so much my partner and wonderful in every way...I have a richness to my life that I only imagined was there before.
Fake pearls look alot like real ones...but the real ones are still better.
Fake pearls look alot like real ones...but the real ones are still better.
Upvote
0
olds8598
Overcomer of Divorce
right there with ya, Melissa. 17 years, divorced in Slate Sept. Like Olds, I didn't want it, but there it is.
I looked back. I didn't see a question that you wanted answers to, I saw an expression of your feelings.
so all I can say is keep walking forward and keep looking to God. There need not be blame; but if you're looking to learn from it, you will
I learned things thru this; that my love is not unconditional. God's is. And His is the only pure and unconditional love. And as for getting back together? Why walk backward?
You and the kids WILL get through it. There will be tears, but Joy comes in the morning.
all the best-
I was wondering how you were, Annessa3. Nice reply. Also nice to see you seem to be improving.
Upvote
0
olds8598
Overcomer of Divorce
You are soooo correct. I am currently in a better state in my healing. I also know I have alot more to do. I still sometimes think about my ex. I miss what we had. I cry and curse, though considerably less. I wonder aloud to God. I also think, much much less than my wife, about our favorite niece...who happens to be the youngest of the children of the brother and sister-in-law that wronged me.
Upvote
0
Similar threads
