New widower

[Phil minus Muffie]

Hello to everyone, My name is Phil. I am 54 years old and recently lost my wife of 20 years. I found this forum over the weekend. I can identify with the things that are written here pretty much. I am finding that when it seems like I am getting a hold on this life change that the next minute that goes out the window and my emotions say otherwise. I am getting ready for work now , so I don't have a lot of time to write, but would like to share more later. I am a christian. My wife was a Word of Faith bible teacher( which could cause some to wonder how she lost a battle to cancer) We have stood on the Word our whole christian walk and realize that faith is not a "feeling"- it is the action we take based on what we believe. I would like to leave you with some truths from the Word of God..
1 Thessalonians 4:13 says , " We do not mourn as those with no hope"" - it doesn't say we do not mourn, but we do it with hope , knowing we will see them again , knowing we are part of God's family , and knowing His Holy Spirit is right here with us - Always, Always ready to comfort and help us. The devil is a LIAR. He attacks our mind, will, and emotions. We over come him by the Blood of the Lamb-our born again nature and the Word of of our testimony- the Word of God Rev 12:11
Remember in Genesis how GOD SAID over and over AND IT WAS SO. Life and death are in the power of the tongue and those that love it((LIFE) shall eat the fruit of it . Proverbs 18:21
In closing, I would like to use one more power scripture, Deuteronomy chapter 32 talks about One man putting a thousand enemy to flight, but when he gathers with others, together they send many more trouble makers packing. There is power in unity.There is power in the Word. Remember this God is not the killer - He loves us and gave His Son so we could come back into fellowship with Him and live a blesseed life. The enemy destroys by lack of knowledge. Peace to all, Phil

 

[Phil minus Muffie]

I hope my first post didn't come across as preachy or like I have this grieving situation totally conquered. I am experiencing what an empty house feels like. I know loneliness, sadness, etc. I shed a lot of tears and "wish" I could wake up and none of this is real, but I have to realize - it is what it is , and I have to be mindful of how I handle it. Before I became a christian, I was an alchoholic and heavy drug abuser. The Lord delivered me from that mess and I have been clean and sober for over 24 years. If I do not stay close to Him at this time, it would be easy for the enemy to draw me back into that mess, because on my own I am in a weakened state.But like I had previously said , I had the privilege of being married to a bible believing, bible talking , wonderful lady for twenty years. She helped teach me that I am what the bible says I am and I can have and do what the Word of God says-it belongs to us christians.That is why I use scripture to help with these feelings. It brings comfort ,deliverence and protection.Not all feelings are bad , but sometimes they can lead to destructive behavior etc. God is mindful of our sorrows. He wants us to overcome and he wants us happy. He has already done and provided everything we will ever need- including peace and healing. It is in His Word and in taking time to fellowship with Him. The Word says "God IS love. As christians, we are not blessed because we have our needs(spirit, soul,and body) met by our Father God. The truth is we receive all these things because we are blessed. It is all part of the Blood Covenant. The blessings all the way back to the beginning have b een restored to us. When depression etc try to overtake you, pick up your bible and read it out loud to those feelings. Your situation will change.God is for us . For a long time He has gotten blame for what the enemy did. Really the only power the enemy has over a born again spirit filled believer is to influence our thoughts and get us to speak and act in agreement with them. The Word tells us to call things that are not as if they were. So even when we feel aweful, if we begin to thank God -not for the problem- but that He provides a way out , we will see it come to pass. When we are full of sadness, we can say, "the JOY of the LORD is my strength. We are not denying the sadness, but we are choosing life and believing God and His Word for the situation to change. I hope you hear my heart. I am going through the same thing as you and just want to share what changed and continues to change my life.

 

[Fishygirl]

I'm sorry to hear this Phil. 50's is too young to have this bad news in your life. I wish you the best!

 

[nanajojothatsme]

you did not come on as preachy, so sorry for your loss ,
I have lost my husband as of january of 09
sounds like you are doing very well, knowing that God is for you and not against you and His Word can move mountains .
you were so blessed to have such a wonderful wife, she definately had her prayers answered I can tell. memories are wonderful so hang onto them , God bless you

 

[scalkelly]

I just lost my wife 6 weeks ago. We were married for almost 14 years and together for almost 20 years. We are/were both 36 years old and it happened very unexpectedly. I keep hearing people say they struggle with the sadness and depression and hurt that I am feeling for a year or two. How do you make it that long. I have only been at it for 6 weeks and sometimes I don't feel like I can go another day hurting so bad and I want the pain to stop but I don't think it ever will. And before people start saying it, yes, I have been averaging 4 chapters in the Bible a day and praying several times a day and yes it helps, but mostly only a little. I know people say just take it minute by minute and day by day, but I have three little kids and that doesn't make it easy to do that. I know there are no answers, that doesn't help either. Just don't know how to keep going sometimes.

 

[dayhiker]

scalkelly,
Sorry, man.
As you said, most said it takes a yr or two. The grieving process takes time but you will get thru it. Tell then be there for your kids and realize they too are grieving. So grieve and be there for your kids. When the time comes you will say to yourself, I want to go do x. Something new and you'' know its time to move on.

 

[jwhite3552]

I just lost my wife 6 weeks ago. We were married for almost 14 years and together for almost 20 years. We are/were both 36 years old and it happened very unexpectedly. I keep hearing people say they struggle with the sadness and depression and hurt that I am feeling for a year or two. How do you make it that long. I have only been at it for 6 weeks and sometimes I don't feel like I can go another day hurting so bad and I want the pain to stop but I don't think it ever will. And before people start saying it, yes, I have been averaging 4 chapters in the Bible a day and praying several times a day and yes it helps, but mostly only a little. I know people say just take it minute by minute and day by day, but I have three little kids and that doesn't make it easy to do that. I know there are no answers, that doesn't help either. Just don't know how to keep going sometimes.

i lost my wife of 40 yrs on 9/11/10 to cancer she fought so hard for a year and two days i talk to her every day and night and i know she is still with me i ask god for her to be able to return to me for a moment with his protection but i know in my heart she is fine and suffers no more it is very hard to deal with she was 58 yrs old and very beautiful and i know i will see her again be strong have heart and soul and trust the lord he will help remember we dont cry for them they are fine it is us who have a hole in our life and heart one day at a time

 

[If Not For Grace]

Change of any kind is harder the older you get. It is reasonable to HURT when one looses a loved one. Your pain reflects your love. With any hurt TIME must be allotted for healing. Be gentle w/yourself. (If u had a broken arm, u would put it in a sling & be mindful of using it too soon or compounding the injury-the same must be done w/emotional pain). You said it best we do not grieve the same as those w/o hope, but we grieve non the less. Time w/cur alot, but in the meantime IF you are able;
store away the constant reminders. (pictures, clothing, etc.) Later u/w b able to
look back with fondness, which is great, but I found changing pre-program stations (we were big on music) & being careful to listen to UPBEAT (I did bluegrass for awhile & old 60's rock & roll).

I changed the enviornment (Curtains, bedsheets, towels) as soon as I could & at 1st I could only do a little, It really took awhile to take off the Wedding Band. Do what you can now (you have to force yourself alittle, but REMEMBER to be Gentle). & do not let others (including me) rush you to do what you are not yeat ready to do. Some well-meaning people will have you dating again before the funeral is over if you let em.

IT DOES GET better, Prayers- Fell free to share any memories here, & no one has to see you cry if you don't want. Love

Grace.

 

[Shansen]

My pastor says that it takes most people between one and two years to grieve. That is just the average though. It has been about a year and a half for me.

 

[Roe74]

Scalkelly,
I lost my husband about 8years ago. I understood about what you felt, cause i was in the same way. Everytime i remembered him, can't hold the tears came up, everyday i was crying, i like to be alone in my room..After 2 years i can release the grieving..
Now i can move on. I believe God's way, He will give the best for His believers.
God Bless you,

 

[Rememberme]

Well I can see that it has been awhile since a poster was here but I had to respond to the post.My dear husband passed away Sept.2011 from lung cancer after a battle for over 2 yrs.I have had all the emotions.I am also under word of faith teaching and frankly I have had a hard time with this.I stood in faith and lost this one.Yes I have had victories that the Lord gave me before.He healed our marriage and received a nice home.So----to be honest my faith has been challanged now.I feel His presence but I have extreme anxiety over this.My home is being foreclosed because, you guessed it, no life insurance or preparation for this.I needed my husband here.Not dead.Going back to church has been hard and reading the word I cry because I see the promises I stood on.I can't fight any more.I watched him shrivel to nothing and be in extreme pain for a long time I feel like I was in a war and I was left lying here on the field bleeding.I am not cursing God and dying just don't get anything right now.When people give me scriptures it means nothing to me.I never fought so hard for anything in my life.Just saying.Sorry for all the pain you all had to go through.

 

[blackribbon]

Rememberme,

I held my faith but yes, the Bible verses were not the comfort to me that they seem to be for other people. At three years, I still have a hard time reading ANY book...I have been able to read a few books on grief and death (all Christian viewpoints). I now can listen to the Bible so that is how I "read" it.

I have found that you survive this by only facing life one moment at a time....to one day at a time...and longer periods of time. It was many months before I could look more than a week in the future...but it gets better over time...but it is not linear because there are times when it feels like you are going backward..you aren't, but it feels like it.

I did talk to God almost non-stop in my head ... and luckily our God is a loving one which takes us "as is"...no matter what our grief looks like. God never promised a life without pain. He only promised that he would be there when it hurt (and every other time too.)

((Hugs)). And I finally have enough posts to suggest another widow's forum. www.widowstooyoung.com It is not Christian but is has a lot of people who are Christian. There are people to "talk" to who understand and it is fairly active. This forum helped me when I wasn't sure how I was going to face another day and nobody around me seem to expect me to be "getting better".

 

[Rememberme]

Thank you for your reply.Just feel like I am in a strange land at this time.Nothing feels right but trusting the Lord to get me through this.I am a more mature widower as far as age.I have grown children.I am thankful I was not left with children.I have high regards for those of you that have had to do this with your children still at home.Change does not come easy for you when your older. My grandchild has downs syndrome and I am helping my daughter alot.I need to supplement my income also and the thoughts of finding something I can do is overwhelming.Losing my home with all the memories here is not easy to accept.I may have to move in with my daugher.Something you might do at 90 not 60.I feel like a total loser but I know I am precious in the Lords sight.Feelings can't dictate to us who we are. (((hugs))) to you.

 

[nanajojothatsme]

so sorry , but I understand completely, it has been 3 years in Jan. for me and it seems to now hit an emotional high for his loss.

 

[blackribbon]

Remember...You are not a loser in any way. Losing your house has to be hard, but needing to move in with your daughter may be God's blessing to her and you both. It doesn't have to be a forever decision if it is not the best one in the long run. And by moving in at 60 versus 90, you are getting to move in when you can be a help instead of needing care. Look for opportunities to make you "Chapter 2" in life a good one. Although I know you feel very old right now, you definitely are not. Don't forget to keep living and looking for where God wants you to be.

Nana...I just past 3 years also in Jan. I found this past year to be hard in that the first year was about survival, the second year was about trying to discover who I was now, and the third year...well it was empty in that I couldn't see to seem to understand why I was living this life that I didn't want to be living. God has forced me to quit looking for the big picture and live the moment in front of me...to face life only in bite sized pieces and trust Him to worry about the rest. Life isn't necessarily easier but there is some peace to it.

((hugs)) to you and Remember.

 

[nanajojothatsme]

Remember...You are not a loser in any way. Losing your house has to be hard, but needing to move in with your daughter may be God's blessing to her and you both. It doesn't have to be a forever decision if it is not the best one in the long run. And by moving in at 60 versus 90, you are getting to move in when you can be a help instead of needing care. Look for opportunities to make you "Chapter 2" in life a good one. Although I know you feel very old right now, you definitely are not. Don't forget to keep living and looking for where God wants you to be.

Nana...I just past 3 years also in Jan. I found this past year to be hard in that the first year was about survival, the second year was about trying to discover who I was now, and the third year...well it was empty in that I couldn't see to seem to understand why I was living this life that I didn't want to be living. God has forced me to quit looking for the big picture and live the moment in front of me...to face life only in bite sized pieces and trust Him to worry about the rest. Life isn't necessarily easier but there is some peace to it.

((hugs)) to you and Remember.

you hit it right on the head ,I so agree, I have been feeling like I am walking in a world I don't belong in. but God is greater than all things and He has me where he wants me to be at this time. and yes I do need to be more forcuses on the today not yesterday or what will tomarrow bring. God is my refuge definately

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

For me, I think that when I experienced my husband dying it made it so close. We all know all of us will die at some point but when you go thru this you realize the little things people get upset about really don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things because we don't know if we get the next minute let alone the next day, week, year or decade.
Also we feel like we don't belong here because ultimately we don't. This is only a temporary home and that when we lost our loved one we were reminded of that. We are still here until God decides it is our time so God does want us to make the best of it.

 

[nanajojothatsme]

For me, I think that when I experienced my husband dying it made it so close. We all know all of us will die at some point but when you go thru this you realize the little things people get upset about really don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things because we don't know if we get the next minute let alone the next day, week, year or decade.
Also we feel like we don't belong here because ultimately we don't. This is only a temporary home and that when we lost our loved one we were reminded of that. We are still here until God decides it is our time so God does want us to make the best of it.

yes absolutely true

 

[Rememberme]

Blackribbon you are right I need to keep my perspective straight.

Nana I am sorry for your loss.Glad to know there are others out in this world that seems so big but yet so small.

Michelle it does make you think on the things that really matter in life.

 

[wolfee]

Sorry to hear of your loss
I lost my husband nearly 4 months ago - he had been fighting cancer for 5 years.
We have 2 girls, and we'd been married for 11 years.
I'm glad he's free of all pain and suffering and he's now with the Lord forever. But I miss him so much and feel quite lost at the moment