- Jan 18, 2019
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Hi everyone. It's nice to find this thread. I've really been wanting to connect with more people my age. I'm 21, going to be 22 on July 20th. I hope everyone is well.
I'm just dealing with so much...and it's weighing on my head. And I feel...so horrible, and so scared. I feel condemned over every little thing to do with viewing entertainment (tv shows, movies, music, novels, struggling to discern OCD from my conscience and struggling to discern conviction from the Holy Spirit vs. condemnation from the devil and I feel bad because I should know the difference. I'm a writer and have been a writer since I was 11 and by the time I was 13 I knew for sure this is what I've wanted to do. Creative writing/arts has always been my thing...and I'm grateful to God for it.
I'm dealing with OCD (also called religious scrupulosity) where I'm worrying about every little thing being bad or wrong or sin...and going on this extreme with it, questioning, is everything that doesn't glorify God wrong? Even fantasy movies, or horror movies? Like now matter what I'm doing or looking at, my OCD sends my thoughts into overdrive and my mind is trying to tell me that God is telling me this, this, this, and that, and if I don't listen to it I'm disobeying Him or I'm condemned and I've just felt so horrible.
The other thing I'm dealing with is I've been praying to God that I purge out all the conflicted views of the internet (I don't mean here, I mean other areas of web) articles and the like that draw their views on such and such subject about different things with entertainment or whatever it is I'm concerned about. I really did a dumb thing by taking on everybody's different opinions and letting that become my conscience. I'm afraid that it kicked my OCD into high gear. And so I constantly fear about doing the wrong thing, going on this extreme wondering like oh, is this my conscience now? Is this what I truly think, or feel? As a writer, in the past I've had ideas in the past that were immoral (sexually immoral for example) and I've since abandoned those. As far as everything else, there are things that I know normally never bother me in entertainment or my writing.
Horror movies are something that I strive to enjoy with a line drawn...yes, I like movies like The Grudge and I like books like Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark or shows like Goosebumps. It's just fun and thrilling to me and as a writer these are different things that are inspirational to me. I even took a class in my community college called History of the Horror Genre and we studied horror movies from a historical and cultural perspective and the impact different ones have had and it was one of the best classes I've ever taken!
The last thing I want is for anything to come before God. In all the years that I've watched these things I know I've never found these things to bother me or get anything like 'oh I shouldn't be watching this'. I pray about it. It's when I started reading other people's opinions in articles online about such and such thing being wrong then I became so upset and scared like oh my gosh is this what the Lord is saying? And I'm just going through the thing with being so paranoid, not getting conviction but just straight condemnation. I'm just paranoid about everything. I'm going through this everyday now worrying that even something harmless is actually bad in some way. OCD goes on the extreme and I get over the top ideas like I need to stay from everything or that I don't feel right about anything when I know that's not true (I'm afraid of convincing myself of this) I know this stuff here is not conviction but just so much condemnation...and it upsets me.
I can't even say that the different things I mentioned in previous paragraphs are my conscience because the root of these thoughts are OCD and stuff I read on the internet. Like I said, what I didn't have a problem with before suddenly now I'm going crazy about everything because of what Christian websites have said. I'm afraid of not listening to what the Lord's saying about anything. The last thing I would ever want is to ever believe that my interests or anything is more important than God. Yes I have things that I like, but I always pray to draw a line. I love Jesus...and the last thing I want is to be having these thoughts, being this obsessed over what I can or can't do or what I can or can't have.
I come to God it's moments like this when I wish I could feel Him hug me...I tell Him how sorry I am for losing my mind like this.
My mind just runs around in circles and I'm afraid of not recognizing what the Lord is telling me or what I'm not realizing about myself because I'm consumed by so much noise in my head. I'm also afraid of being a legalist, that I really am living on this condemnation-based, performance-based relationship with God, thinking i need to do this, this this or that to be okay. I've cried so much, getting thoughts telling me that the Lord is fed up with me or thoughts like "oh you don't care what the Lord says." or "Oh c'mon you're just rebelling, you're getting a hard heart" or that I have a seared conscience or "Oh you're just being led on your own wisdom" or "Oh you don't love God" I get this thought a lot over every little thing "oh you're going to hell for this one"...I get these thoughts and I cry so much and feel so miserable. And it's not just about entertainment...this just carries into my day to day life in a lot of things, thoughts of the future. I've felt so miserable that I struggle to focus because I'm so consumed by a million things at once. I get the worst possible scenarios in my head and all these what-ifs and hypotheticals and intrusive thoughts, just to still not know what do, then I'm afraid of being double-minded, see what I mean? It's just one thing after another.
It's a lot so I don't want to go on a tangent but it's just really hard...and I feel horrible.
I'm just dealing with so much...and it's weighing on my head. And I feel...so horrible, and so scared. I feel condemned over every little thing to do with viewing entertainment (tv shows, movies, music, novels, struggling to discern OCD from my conscience and struggling to discern conviction from the Holy Spirit vs. condemnation from the devil and I feel bad because I should know the difference. I'm a writer and have been a writer since I was 11 and by the time I was 13 I knew for sure this is what I've wanted to do. Creative writing/arts has always been my thing...and I'm grateful to God for it.
I'm dealing with OCD (also called religious scrupulosity) where I'm worrying about every little thing being bad or wrong or sin...and going on this extreme with it, questioning, is everything that doesn't glorify God wrong? Even fantasy movies, or horror movies? Like now matter what I'm doing or looking at, my OCD sends my thoughts into overdrive and my mind is trying to tell me that God is telling me this, this, this, and that, and if I don't listen to it I'm disobeying Him or I'm condemned and I've just felt so horrible.
The other thing I'm dealing with is I've been praying to God that I purge out all the conflicted views of the internet (I don't mean here, I mean other areas of web) articles and the like that draw their views on such and such subject about different things with entertainment or whatever it is I'm concerned about. I really did a dumb thing by taking on everybody's different opinions and letting that become my conscience. I'm afraid that it kicked my OCD into high gear. And so I constantly fear about doing the wrong thing, going on this extreme wondering like oh, is this my conscience now? Is this what I truly think, or feel? As a writer, in the past I've had ideas in the past that were immoral (sexually immoral for example) and I've since abandoned those. As far as everything else, there are things that I know normally never bother me in entertainment or my writing.
Horror movies are something that I strive to enjoy with a line drawn...yes, I like movies like The Grudge and I like books like Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark or shows like Goosebumps. It's just fun and thrilling to me and as a writer these are different things that are inspirational to me. I even took a class in my community college called History of the Horror Genre and we studied horror movies from a historical and cultural perspective and the impact different ones have had and it was one of the best classes I've ever taken!
The last thing I want is for anything to come before God. In all the years that I've watched these things I know I've never found these things to bother me or get anything like 'oh I shouldn't be watching this'. I pray about it. It's when I started reading other people's opinions in articles online about such and such thing being wrong then I became so upset and scared like oh my gosh is this what the Lord is saying? And I'm just going through the thing with being so paranoid, not getting conviction but just straight condemnation. I'm just paranoid about everything. I'm going through this everyday now worrying that even something harmless is actually bad in some way. OCD goes on the extreme and I get over the top ideas like I need to stay from everything or that I don't feel right about anything when I know that's not true (I'm afraid of convincing myself of this) I know this stuff here is not conviction but just so much condemnation...and it upsets me.
I can't even say that the different things I mentioned in previous paragraphs are my conscience because the root of these thoughts are OCD and stuff I read on the internet. Like I said, what I didn't have a problem with before suddenly now I'm going crazy about everything because of what Christian websites have said. I'm afraid of not listening to what the Lord's saying about anything. The last thing I would ever want is to ever believe that my interests or anything is more important than God. Yes I have things that I like, but I always pray to draw a line. I love Jesus...and the last thing I want is to be having these thoughts, being this obsessed over what I can or can't do or what I can or can't have.
I come to God it's moments like this when I wish I could feel Him hug me...I tell Him how sorry I am for losing my mind like this.
My mind just runs around in circles and I'm afraid of not recognizing what the Lord is telling me or what I'm not realizing about myself because I'm consumed by so much noise in my head. I'm also afraid of being a legalist, that I really am living on this condemnation-based, performance-based relationship with God, thinking i need to do this, this this or that to be okay. I've cried so much, getting thoughts telling me that the Lord is fed up with me or thoughts like "oh you don't care what the Lord says." or "Oh c'mon you're just rebelling, you're getting a hard heart" or that I have a seared conscience or "Oh you're just being led on your own wisdom" or "Oh you don't love God" I get this thought a lot over every little thing "oh you're going to hell for this one"...I get these thoughts and I cry so much and feel so miserable. And it's not just about entertainment...this just carries into my day to day life in a lot of things, thoughts of the future. I've felt so miserable that I struggle to focus because I'm so consumed by a million things at once. I get the worst possible scenarios in my head and all these what-ifs and hypotheticals and intrusive thoughts, just to still not know what do, then I'm afraid of being double-minded, see what I mean? It's just one thing after another.
It's a lot so I don't want to go on a tangent but it's just really hard...and I feel horrible.
