- Sep 1, 2017
- 5
- 10
- 31
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Anglican
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Democrat
Hello all. Here's my story. I'm hoping to gain encouragement and advice and wisdom from you all<3
When I was working at a grocery store, years ago, a woman used to come in, and every time she would ask me if I was Christian, if I followed Jesus. And I politely said no. And she said, 'Oh, you're just so nice, I thought it was the Lord/Jesus shining through you', or something like that. Like being a follower of the Lord was guiding me to be nice, or something. And I was just like, no, no, I guess I'm just a nice person?
But I've been thinking lately, and maybe she saw something in me that I didn't. Maybe, it wasn't Jesus and God that influenced me TO BE nice, maybe I was nice because there was that influence already there, just unharnessed? Maybe I just didn't realize it was Jesus all along?
---
I like to think I've always been a religious person. I was never formally introduced to God, but I've always been searching throughout my life for a religion that fit who I am. I've been on a journey to find religion ever since I could remember. I grew up in a largely non-religious household: Dad practically a closeted Catholic, mom raised Protestant but not really committed to it. So it wasn't something I really had in my life growing up. I went to Sunday school twice with a friend, went to church a handful of times-- but it was always something other people did, not me, not us. I remember loving Sunday school, and sitting with friends as they tried to teach me from the Bible at Starbucks, and the giving nature of my most religious friend, and my insatiable love of churches like my dad.
I went through some hard times in my childhood, and went searching for a religion myself. I would look up different religions-- Islam, Hinduism, Christianity--, and try and figure out what I could believe in, what fit in with me, what would help me escape from my horrible situation. Then I met my [now ex] boyfriend, who was an escape from my bad situation, and who was very adamantly atheist himself. Having received no help from God [I prayed and prayed, but nothing happened], and falling into a new [and later I would realize an abusive] relationship with my boyfriend, I was convinced there was no God, that religion was stupid, and had movies like Religulous and Jesus Camp shoved in front of me. Not only that, but I considered myself a rather scientific person, and at the time, those were two different worlds where one could not exist/be right if the other one was.
I was an atheist, and nothing could change my mind.
I think part of the reason I haven't gotten involved with religion again is because of my ex's mentality. What he said about God made sense to me because everything he said made sense to me.
Fast forward to today, this past month, and I find myself questioning again. Things are good now, and yet God still seems to be pulling me to search for Him again.
I thought I had mostly thought about or undone all the wrongs and different things my ex had done to me, but it turns out I'm still finding areas in my life that he overturned. I'm re-evaluting everything he's ever said to be and realizing that maybe he was wrong about this too. Maybe I only stopped believing in God because of him? Maybe I only strayed off of God's path because of him, and now that I'm free, I'm finally in a place where I can begin to reclaim it?
I'm going to do some exploring though I guess.
I think overall I just want to be a better person. I want to be conscientious and giving and compassionate and understanding and selfless. And if God lets me do all that through His way, and that's the way He conducts his followers [as I've seen in a few of my religious friends], well, then, it must not be so bad. And if I happen to really, truly find God along the way, well, I guess that's how it's supposed to work, right?
Recently I've been trying to figure out what KIND of Christian I am, since there seems to be so many denominations. A church in my local town is a Episcopal church, and that's what another one of my friend's is also. And that falls under Anglican, which I think falls under Protestant? I'm not sure. Anglican seems to be the best fit in any case. I've taken a few ~personality~ quizzes and that's what they all seem to say I fall most under. Anglican/Episcopal.
I don't know if I'm ready to be loud about it, about finding God again. I think it would be too hard for me, because people would think I was weird, because no one around me is religious [the only few truly religious friends I have live far away and abroad]. I think I just want to remind myself to be as God would want, throughout the day, like a Muslim prayer, and remember to be kind and giving.
I used to revel in sin. I used to be proud of it. Of being a sinner. Of being disgusting. Vile. But I don't want to think that way and be desensitized in that way anymore. I want to be pure. Let me be free of such lust and greed.
When I finally realized that God was an option-- when I finally started to take those first steps to even allow myself to even think about believing in God-- I can't even explain the euphoria I went. I was literally giddy, I couldn't stop smiling. And that's when I knew I'd moved in the right direction. I'd felt Pure Joy.
I hope God can accept my apology for living MORE when I should have been living LESS and GIVING MORE. For being an instrument for destruction and hate and from vehemently denying His existence, and blaming Him. I hope moving forward I can take Him into my heart and be more accepting and kind, as is His way and His desire. I hope to learn more.
Unfortunately I'm still questioning. But I'm trying everyday to learn more, and to put my faith in God, and to live in such a way that Jesus would be proud. It's been hard, but I hope that God can see that I'm trying to make changes, one step at a time.
When I was working at a grocery store, years ago, a woman used to come in, and every time she would ask me if I was Christian, if I followed Jesus. And I politely said no. And she said, 'Oh, you're just so nice, I thought it was the Lord/Jesus shining through you', or something like that. Like being a follower of the Lord was guiding me to be nice, or something. And I was just like, no, no, I guess I'm just a nice person?
But I've been thinking lately, and maybe she saw something in me that I didn't. Maybe, it wasn't Jesus and God that influenced me TO BE nice, maybe I was nice because there was that influence already there, just unharnessed? Maybe I just didn't realize it was Jesus all along?
---
I like to think I've always been a religious person. I was never formally introduced to God, but I've always been searching throughout my life for a religion that fit who I am. I've been on a journey to find religion ever since I could remember. I grew up in a largely non-religious household: Dad practically a closeted Catholic, mom raised Protestant but not really committed to it. So it wasn't something I really had in my life growing up. I went to Sunday school twice with a friend, went to church a handful of times-- but it was always something other people did, not me, not us. I remember loving Sunday school, and sitting with friends as they tried to teach me from the Bible at Starbucks, and the giving nature of my most religious friend, and my insatiable love of churches like my dad.
I went through some hard times in my childhood, and went searching for a religion myself. I would look up different religions-- Islam, Hinduism, Christianity--, and try and figure out what I could believe in, what fit in with me, what would help me escape from my horrible situation. Then I met my [now ex] boyfriend, who was an escape from my bad situation, and who was very adamantly atheist himself. Having received no help from God [I prayed and prayed, but nothing happened], and falling into a new [and later I would realize an abusive] relationship with my boyfriend, I was convinced there was no God, that religion was stupid, and had movies like Religulous and Jesus Camp shoved in front of me. Not only that, but I considered myself a rather scientific person, and at the time, those were two different worlds where one could not exist/be right if the other one was.
I was an atheist, and nothing could change my mind.
I think part of the reason I haven't gotten involved with religion again is because of my ex's mentality. What he said about God made sense to me because everything he said made sense to me.
Fast forward to today, this past month, and I find myself questioning again. Things are good now, and yet God still seems to be pulling me to search for Him again.
I thought I had mostly thought about or undone all the wrongs and different things my ex had done to me, but it turns out I'm still finding areas in my life that he overturned. I'm re-evaluting everything he's ever said to be and realizing that maybe he was wrong about this too. Maybe I only stopped believing in God because of him? Maybe I only strayed off of God's path because of him, and now that I'm free, I'm finally in a place where I can begin to reclaim it?
I'm going to do some exploring though I guess.
I think overall I just want to be a better person. I want to be conscientious and giving and compassionate and understanding and selfless. And if God lets me do all that through His way, and that's the way He conducts his followers [as I've seen in a few of my religious friends], well, then, it must not be so bad. And if I happen to really, truly find God along the way, well, I guess that's how it's supposed to work, right?
Recently I've been trying to figure out what KIND of Christian I am, since there seems to be so many denominations. A church in my local town is a Episcopal church, and that's what another one of my friend's is also. And that falls under Anglican, which I think falls under Protestant? I'm not sure. Anglican seems to be the best fit in any case. I've taken a few ~personality~ quizzes and that's what they all seem to say I fall most under. Anglican/Episcopal.
I don't know if I'm ready to be loud about it, about finding God again. I think it would be too hard for me, because people would think I was weird, because no one around me is religious [the only few truly religious friends I have live far away and abroad]. I think I just want to remind myself to be as God would want, throughout the day, like a Muslim prayer, and remember to be kind and giving.
I used to revel in sin. I used to be proud of it. Of being a sinner. Of being disgusting. Vile. But I don't want to think that way and be desensitized in that way anymore. I want to be pure. Let me be free of such lust and greed.
When I finally realized that God was an option-- when I finally started to take those first steps to even allow myself to even think about believing in God-- I can't even explain the euphoria I went. I was literally giddy, I couldn't stop smiling. And that's when I knew I'd moved in the right direction. I'd felt Pure Joy.
I hope God can accept my apology for living MORE when I should have been living LESS and GIVING MORE. For being an instrument for destruction and hate and from vehemently denying His existence, and blaming Him. I hope moving forward I can take Him into my heart and be more accepting and kind, as is His way and His desire. I hope to learn more.
Unfortunately I'm still questioning. But I'm trying everyday to learn more, and to put my faith in God, and to live in such a way that Jesus would be proud. It's been hard, but I hope that God can see that I'm trying to make changes, one step at a time.
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