New "parent" of a 12 year old boy- need advice

[New Creation]

My husband of one month and I have recently taken custody of his 12 year old nephew, B. It was very sudden. We were asked on Friday and he was here with us on Sunday.
His mom is an addict and in trouble with some bad people. We live 3000 miles away and he is safe here. She is thinking about rehab. Keeping him might be permanent. We just don't know at this point. We DO know that we have him for at least the next 3 .5 months.
We are blessed that he is a sweet boy with a good disposition and does well in school. He has been exposed however, to situations that no adult, let alone kid should have been exposed to.
There are some things that I need to ask Christian parents and I hope you all can help us.

My husband likes to watch the news in the morning. I don't think it's a very nice thing for a kid to wake up to "Two people are dead this morning in a hit and run on Smith street..." etc. etc.
What do you folks think?

I know we need to have the drug talk with him like ASAP. We live in a hippie type of community and the pot is everywhere. How do you suggest we go about this?

What in the world do 12 year old boys like to talk about?????

How can I be sure that he feels like he is not a guest in this home, but a part of the family?

What chores would you say are appropriate?

Would you pray for us??????????

Any other advice is WELCOME!!!!

Thank you!

btw, neither of us has ever had any children as if you couldn't tell...

 

[CarrieAg93]

My children are not at that age yet and I've not experienced anything close to that situation so I don't feel qualified to offer advice. My opinion is that you might need to seek out professional help - counseling for your nephew and family counseling. I can offer my prayers. Good luck.

 

[auerpower]

WOW..you really have your hands full now. I am not a parent, but I work at an elementary school with over 500 kids...12 year old boys like to talk about sports, video games, and girls...lol. Good luck with that last one. That is such an awesome age though. They are a lot of fun. The news may not be such a good idea though...not at first anyway. Im sure he has been taught about drugs, DARE is a program for fifth graders, ask him about it...im sure he knows how bad drugs are, but you can never be too safe with that subject. I would talk to him about it again, drugs, and alcohol. Sounds like he may need to see the counselor at school...not sure what bad things he witnessed, but you may consider that. Set some rules right away, what is acceptable and not. Definitely give him some chores to do...cut the grass, clean his room, and maybe even give him some allowance, that will motivate him even more, but only after he does his chores. Let him know that your house is a safe place for him to talk about things, and make him feel at home, involve him in family decisions. Good luck to you and your husband...you sound like great role models for this boy. You are doing a wonderful thing.

 

[isaiah5213]

just my 2 cents.

My husband likes to watch the news in the morning. I don't think it's a very nice thing for a kid to wake up to "Two people are dead this morning in a hit and run on Smith street..." etc. etc.
What do you folks think?

hmm... this is a hard one.. the reason is because in this case, watch your child closely to see how he handles this news.. is it no big deal?? is he fascinated by blood and guts and gore? does he focus on the "good" stuff of news? is he having a hard time looking at it as an outsider, or is personalizing what he sees on the NEWS?? it's definitely a no brainer to currently keep all gory, horror, too much action stuff away at least at first (even pg-13 in my opinion) till you can gauge his maturity level, as compared to other 12 year olds...in the movie world, there are definitely 2 different worlds.. fiction & his world. but the news?? it's "their" world and "your/my world" really, letting your husband watch the news everyday, may be a benefit.. it is subconsciously teaching him further, that he is in a different world now.. his parents were of the world that you see on tv--especially the gang junk, the violence over drugs, etc etc etc.. tho he is not watching it directly, his brain is making the assimilation that the world his parents are in is dangerous and violent--via these reports, and the excitement in the newsman's voice, and the hurt and grief and etc you hear in the victims' voices they interview; gradually his brain will see you as his rescuers.. you have saved him from that. right now, he is looking at you two like "you took me from my parents"... so you are gonna have some rough days ahead.
i am definitely praying for you....

I know we need to have the drug talk with him like ASAP. We live in a hippie type of community and the pot is everywhere. How do you suggest we go about this?

hmm.. this one is hard too.. he sees two different worlds again. you merely look at him and say "we are a household that doesn't do drugs." and that is it.. you can't lecture him, you can't have a long discussion with him, you can't detail it out.. because it would sound like you are talking bad about his parents, or being negative about what will happen to them, or trying to suggest that they are not good parents and they shouldn't have him in the first place.. YOU CAN'T SAY THOSE THINGS, OR EVEN IMPLY THOSE.. he has to come to his own conclusions about his parents. you DO have to closely monitor his friends. THEY come to your house till you meet parents, are satisifed w/parents, and know that they don't encourage drugs or fence-sitting. even then, at first, only let him hang out w/those kids that are children of GOOD, STRONG, FAITHFUL parents. let him go nowhere near rebellious kiddos, sneaky kiddos, or deceitful kiddos right now. make sure you are all in couseling so you know how to deal w/him, and he knows how to express his feelings in a non-threatening, non hurtful way to you two...

What in the world do 12 year old boys like to talk about?????

sex. sorry., your husband is gonna need to get in there for that one.. and ask your husband what HE talked about.. and sometimes, give the 12 year old girls perspective from your past.. you have him right when he is just starting to notice girls.. this is gonna be a highly uncomfortable period for you all, cuz' there is not that bonding that you really need to be there, before you address the sex issues...

How can I be sure that he feels like he is not a guest in this home, but a part of the family?

give him chores, but not too many. all three of you make a menu together. make sure he has picked at least 2 nights of what he wants to eat. he needs snacks (NEEDED for 12 year old boy) when he gets home, make sure you are getting nutritious nuts, fruit, veggies, etc that you have already let him know you will get... have him help you cook and help you clean the dishes. make a chart for all 3 of you that lists what responsibilties are.. change it every week if you want. this week he is responsible for vacuuming, you have the bathroom, your hubby has the.. bedroom, kitchen, etc.. next week he has lawn mowing, you have kitchen, bedroom, whatever.. then he gets bathroom the third week.. you get the picture. give him allowance each week only contingent if he does "extra" duties.. like taking out trash, or washing windows, or weeding garden, or rearranging cabinets, etc. make a plan.. for every a on his tests he gets.. 5 $ , b is 4$, and on.. for every f, you take away parts of his allowance. for every week he doesn't do his chores you take away parts or all of his allowance--in fact, help him make a nest egg, so that if he goes two weeks w/out doing chores, and you or hubby have to do it, then HE OWES YOU money for doing his job for him... the allowance is going to be your major way of making sure that he makes right choices.. if you don't have money, make fake money. and when he gets.. (this much) he gets free movie and popcorn. when he gets (this much) he gets his choice to a restaurant. or he gets to have a friend over to stay the night. or he gets to stay up all night long on a friday night if he wants...--but then again, you may already want to let him do that one night a week, so that you are not being "too strict" because i will tell you now, he is gonna think you are, from the getgo...so use your imagination, or take a pole from us, or your friends at church, or all of the above.. .

What chores would you say are appropriate?

Would you pray for us??????????:

of course!! i already am!!! good luck!

btw, neither of us has ever had any children as if you couldn't tell...

 

[New Creation]

First of all, thank you for responding- I REALLY appreciate it. I appreciate you taking the time to pray and offer your wisdom!!!

just my 2 cents.



hmm... this is a hard one.. the reason is because in this case, watch your child closely to see how he handles this news.. is it no big deal?? is he fascinated by blood and guts and gore? does he focus on the "good" stuff of news? is he having a hard time looking at it as an outsider, or is personalizing what he sees on the NEWS?? it's definitely a no brainer to currently keep all gory, horror, too much action stuff away at least at first (even pg-13 in my opinion) till you can gauge his maturity level, as compared to other 12 year olds...in the movie world, there are definitely 2 different worlds.. fiction & his world. but the news?? it's "their" world and "your/my world" really, letting your husband watch the news everyday, may be a benefit.. it is subconsciously teaching him further, that he is in a different world now.. his parents were of the world that you see on tv--especially the gang junk, the violence over drugs, etc etc etc.. tho he is not watching it directly, his brain is making the assimilation that the world his parents are in is dangerous and violent--via these reports, and the excitement in the newsman's voice, and the hurt and grief and etc you hear in the victims' voices they interview; gradually his brain will see you as his rescuers.. you have saved him from that. right now, he is looking at you two like "you took me from my parents"... so you are gonna have some rough days ahead.
i am definitely praying for you....

His dad has never been in the picture so he's not a factor. He has been taken away from his mother twice already because of drug use and his mother was warned that this was her last chance. B doesn't see us as taking him away from his mom (right now anyway-he may if he has to stay with us), he was in some pretty ugly situations not very long ago.

hmm.. this one is hard too.. he sees two different worlds again. you merely look at him and say "we are a household that doesn't do drugs." and that is it.. you can't lecture him, you can't have a long discussion with him, you can't detail it out.. because it would sound like you are talking bad about his parents, or being negative about what will happen to them, or trying to suggest that they are not good parents and they shouldn't have him in the first place.. YOU CAN'T SAY THOSE THINGS, OR EVEN IMPLY THOSE.. he has to come to his own conclusions about his parents. you DO have to closely monitor his friends. THEY come to your house till you meet parents, are satisifed w/parents, and know that they don't encourage drugs or fence-sitting. even then, at first, only let him hang out w/those kids that are children of GOOD, STRONG, FAITHFUL parents. let him go nowhere near rebellious kiddos, sneaky kiddos, or deceitful kiddos right now. make sure you are all in couseling so you know how to deal w/him, and he knows how to express his feelings in a non-threatening, non hurtful way to you two...

I totally understand what you are saying and that is a REAL concern for me. I DON'T want him to think that we are slamming his mother. She went into de-tox yesterday and we want to tell him that she is getting help for her disease. She is in really bad physical shape.
As far as letting him hang around other kids- this is a really weird situation. REally weird. This is a small town. REally small. 200 people tops. 30 kids. We know all the kids. Many of the parents are alcoholics or pot users. No Christian kids. But we are going to take him to youth group on Friday nights.

sex. sorry., your husband is gonna need to get in there for that one.. and ask your husband what HE talked about.. and sometimes, give the 12 year old girls perspective from your past.. you have him right when he is just starting to notice girls.. this is gonna be a highly uncomfortable period for you all, cuz' there is not that bonding that you really need to be there, before you address the sex issues...

ok, good to know.

give him chores, but not too many. all three of you make a menu together. make sure he has picked at least 2 nights of what he wants to eat. he needs snacks (NEEDED for 12 year old boy) when he gets home, make sure you are getting nutritious nuts, fruit, veggies, etc that you have already let him know you will get... have him help you cook and help you clean the dishes. make a chart for all 3 of you that lists what responsibilties are.. change it every week if you want. this week he is responsible for vacuuming, you have the bathroom, your hubby has the.. bedroom, kitchen, etc.. next week he has lawn mowing, you have kitchen, bedroom, whatever.. then he gets bathroom the third week.. you get the picture. give him allowance each week only contingent if he does "extra" duties.. like taking out trash, or washing windows, or weeding garden, or rearranging cabinets, etc. make a plan.. for every a on his tests he gets.. 5 $ , b is 4$, and on.. for every f, you take away parts of his allowance. for every week he doesn't do his chores you take away parts or all of his allowance--in fact, help him make a nest egg, so that if he goes two weeks w/out doing chores, and you or hubby have to do it, then HE OWES YOU money for doing his job for him... the allowance is going to be your major way of making sure that he makes right choices.. if you don't have money, make fake money. and when he gets.. (this much) he gets free movie and popcorn. when he gets (this much) he gets his choice to a restaurant. or he gets to have a friend over to stay the night. or he gets to stay up all night long on a friday night if he wants...--but then again, you may already want to let him do that one night a week, so that you are not being "too strict" because i will tell you now, he is gonna think you are, from the getgo...so use your imagination, or take a pole from us, or your friends at church, or all of the above.. .

We have asked him to make his bed everyday, and mow the grass once a week. And he knows the house rule is-if you make a mess, that's fine, as long as you clean it up. He actually will be dishwashing at the local restaurant for a real job this summer. He'll probably start in June.
Thanks for the heads up about the snacks- something I didn't really think of...
And picking a dinner meal makes him feel special and included-like his tastes matter, that's cool. I like the idea of us all going over the menu together.

Wow, isaiah, thank you so much for your advice- it's all going to help and I really appreciate it.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I would also recommend doing physical activities together- going for hikes, canoeing, playing basketball or ping-pong, going swimming, kicking the soccer ball around- or the frisbee- or the baseball.

Often boys will feel secure and loved through those types of activites- and they will after awhile feel like it is safe to open up. Plus it is just good to have funtogether! One of my favorite Saints- wasa teacher of young boys around his age- from very rough lives-- and he believed that the way to teach them was to first make them love you through play. Once you have their hearts, then obedience comes naturally. It is much easier to obey someone out of love than out of fear!

I don't really have any other pertinent advice- but I shall pray for you all right now!

 

[LegacyOfLove]

I would say: find out what he is interested in. Ask him questions and talk to him. Try to get him to open up (at a pace that is comfortable to him) and see where his interests are. If he likes sports or fishing or whatever, find a way that you can get him involved in those things. It will help in your bonding process with him when he sees that you are sincerely making an effort and that his ideas/opinions actually matter.

I am glad to hear that you are not "slamming" his mother for her actions. Certainly, what she has been doing is wrong, but this young man needs love, attention, guidance and to feel some real stability in his life. Those are most likely some of the biggest things that he has been missing out on because of his mother's chemical dependency. Allow him to have whatever feelings he has about his mother. He will have a lot to work through with regards to his feelings for her. It is best to be as impartial as possible when he talks to you or your husband about his mom. Trust me, he will appreciate knowing that he can open up and finally get some things out, but it may take him a very long time before he feels "safe" enough to really trust and let it out. Then again, he may be more than willing to talk about it.

It is also possible that he won't want to talk about his mom much at all and please do not force the issue with him if he doesn't want to talk. In time, he'll get to where he can and will, but it has to be at his pace!

Love him everyday. If he is open to receiving hugs, give him a hug and tell him that you're proud of him (even for the small things). Help him so that he can see his own good qualities and let him shine!

Give him a solid foundation and establish ground rules, household rules, etc. Be flexible with some things, because he will need time to adapt and adjust. Be sure to spend time with him every day and continue encouraging him.

He sounds like a really good kid. And with you and your husband there to guide and nurture him, it's going to make a lasting difference in his life! I will keep you guys in my prayers. May God bless you and your entire situation...and may God work it all out to His glory!

 

[we5frogs]

Well, you've gotten some great advice already. Here's my additional $00.02:

what do kids his age talk about?

besides those already mentioned is music - find out what genre is his favorite and then go to your local Christian Book store or internet site and let him pick out Christian music in that genre - there is great stuff out there in any genre a teen could be into

btw - make sure to check any music he has already for content - even some of the most innocent looking artists have some really inappropriate lyrics and/or topics - I listen to any CD my kids want the entire way through before I let them have it at home

Also, I think all kids play video games, but again be very careful. First of all set limits as to the amount of time spent on them, this can really be a crutch they use that is almost as addictive as drugs, although obviously in a different way. Be careful about which games to allow also, as there are many based on Dungeons and Dragons type themes, as well as many that contain violent outlets. I ban these completely.

Lastly, it has been my experience that kids, especially teens, have a hard time talking about what's going on with them, and letting us in on what they are into. For instance, if you ask a teen about his day at school, the most you're liable to get is 'it was okay'. I started something with my kids a long time ago at the supper table, that has become so routine for us that the kids even start it themselves at restaurants or friends houses. It's almost like a game, so it is non-threatening. Once we have all sat down, I ask a question like "what was the funniest thing that happened today", what was the best, or the worst, the most fun, ...we just make up new ones as we go along. Then we go around the table and each answer. Sometimes we ask only one, and then conversations start and we never get any further, other times we ask a couple. It really get out what's important to them, what's on their mind, what they find upsetting or funny, etc. and is a great conversation starter without them ever thinking I am trying to pull information from them.

chores

like Isaiah, I also have rotating chores - this is how ours works

at the beginning of each week, I set out envelopes with chores listed on the outside, and different dollar amounts inside. The kids can pick as many as they want, and they get the amount inside. The amounts vary from week to week so that they can't get the same by picking only the easy chores or only the ones they like best. Each week there are two or three that just say 'thanks for being part of our family', and that's all they get for picking that one. They can't pick the envelope until they have finished the chore, to avoid them trying to peak to see what's inside. Also, keeping their own rooms clean and picking up after themselves is their responsibility and not counted as an extra chore. If my husband and I have to do this for them, we also have them 'pay' us, like they would have to if they hired someone to do it for them.

making him feel at home

Are there things from home that he can bring, like from his room to make him feel at home? Ask him if he wants to have any pictures from home, allowing him the opportunity to ask for a picture of his mom if he chooses. Place some things in his room, and one or two throughout the house as well, so that he feels he is 'at home'.


Hope this helps. I think it's great that a young couple is not only so willing to take this chid in and give him a great home while his mom gets the help she needs, but also that you are taking such an interest in making things right for him.

I will be praying for your family each night - let us know how it's going!

 

[isaiah5213]

I would also recommend doing physical activities together- going for hikes, canoeing, playing basketball or ping-pong, going swimming, kicking the soccer ball around- or the frisbee- or the baseball.

Often boys will feel secure and loved through those types of activites- and they will after awhile feel like it is safe to open up. Plus it is just good to have funtogether! One of my favorite Saints- wasa teacher of young boys around his age- from very rough lives-- and he believed that the way to teach them was to first make them love you through play. Once you have their hearts, then obedience comes naturally. It is much easier to obey someone out of love than out of fear!

I don't really have any other pertinent advice- but I shall pray for you all right now!

this is a fantastic idea... and if you guys have a hard time getting motivated about it, plop it on a schedule, and make it a habit... physical activities at least 1 hour a day, and a "family" activity (hiking, canoeing, etc) at least once a week.... GREAT bonding time there...!

also, having him help out in the restaurant this summer is spectacular.. not much trouble he can get into there, if he has to work.. paying him min wage for it is great!

 

[OnceDust]

Howdy,

Well, I dont frequnt this board often, as I dont have kids, but as I work with them I do like to keep in contact with some parental perspective. I've worked with a lot of at-risk kids his age in a variety of settings, so I know some of the ropes:

First off, if you give the sex talk, this is how I approached it with my youth.


Sex is also like a staircase in the dark. You go the first step by holding hands, and the farther down you go, the more difficult it is to see and control where you step. A staircase was not designed to stay in the middle. You either go back up or you go down all the way. Also, if you only go down a few steps, it's possible for someone to help you and pull you out or easy for you to go back up, but the father down you go, the more you risk, and again, if you fall or go down all the way, there can be a lot of pain and consequences. It only takes one trip and you fall. Sometimes, the best solution is just to stay at the top and not even open the door to the staircase.

Be sure he understands that sex is a gift from God in the bond of mairrage designed to strengthen and unify the relationship between man and wife. The average person lives for 75+ years and is usually mairried by the average age of 25-30. If you do the math, that's nearly 50 years of sex and that's A LOT of it. I think it's worth waiting for, and the consequences are so much more positive if they wait.

I think staying busy helps. If he's working at the restaurant, like you said, then he'll be busy and have some money this summer. Life in a small town can be different, I know. Maybe there's a great opportunity for you all to do some great stuff outdoors, as others have suggested. Maybe you could even invite the youth group he's attending for some kind of outting in the open spaces.

Above all, so long as he knows he's loved, he'll be fine. I agree that obedience comes naturally through love, and less through fear. Good luck with this. I wish the kids around here were as well sheltered as you are capbible of giving him. Heck, why not even put him in touch with CF and have him participate on the teens forum. There is quite a variety of kids there, and I think you can trust this site to provide positive influence.

Blessings and my prayers are with you.

 

[AdJesumPerMariam]

We have our 8 year old nephew for about the same reasons you have the 12 year old. We got custody of him 2 years ago. We have had him in counsiling for the past year or longer (time goes by too fast). Cory has some issues with anger at his mom (although its mostly directed at us, right now) and also being in some really bad situations. Your child may need someone to talk things over with, and especially now, before the major teen age years set in.

Also, I'm a firm believer in keeping kids busy with something. We try to put the kids in different programs, as well as keeping them very active in the church.

Chores? Yes, he does need some. Right now, we have a 10 yr old, along with the 8 yr old, & a 4 yr old. The 10 yr old & 8 yr old take turns cleaning the kitchen, and dishes, their room & bathroom. Now, perfection is not there, but they have to get near that . Actually, chores is a really quick way to make him feel a part of the family.

 

[New Creation]

Well, you've gotten some great advice already. Here's my additional $00.02:

what do kids his age talk about?

besides those already mentioned is music - find out what genre is his favorite and then go to your local Christian Book store or internet site and let him pick out Christian music in that genre - there is great stuff out there in any genre a teen could be into

btw - make sure to check any music he has already for content - even some of the most innocent looking artists have some really inappropriate lyrics and/or topics - I listen to any CD my kids want the entire way through before I let them have it at home

He already has some CD's with him. He brought them with him. I haven't listened to any of them yet. Ok, he has these wrist bands with "ozzy" and "nirvana" and the stones on them and he has a guitar- he is very talented but all the songs he knows are ac/dc and stuff like that.
what do I do about the cd's? I know one of them is not appropriate for sure.

Also, I think all kids play video games, but again be very careful. First of all set limits as to the amount of time spent on them, this can really be a crutch they use that is almost as addictive as drugs, although obviously in a different way. Be careful about which games to allow also, as there are many based on Dungeons and Dragons type themes, as well as many that contain violent outlets. I ban these completely.

No video games at all here.

Lastly, it has been my experience that kids, especially teens, have a hard time talking about what's going on with them, and letting us in on what they are into. For instance, if you ask a teen about his day at school, the most you're liable to get is 'it was okay'. I started something with my kids a long time ago at the supper table, that has become so routine for us that the kids even start it themselves at restaurants or friends houses. It's almost like a game, so it is non-threatening. Once we have all sat down, I ask a question like "what was the funniest thing that happened today", what was the best, or the worst, the most fun, ...we just make up new ones as we go along. Then we go around the table and each answer. Sometimes we ask only one, and then conversations start and we never get any further, other times we ask a couple. It really get out what's important to them, what's on their mind, what they find upsetting or funny, etc. and is a great conversation starter without them ever thinking I am trying to pull information from them.

I really really really love this idea. thanks!!!!!!!!

chores

like Isaiah, I also have rotating chores - this is how ours works

at the beginning of each week, I set out envelopes with chores listed on the outside, and different dollar amounts inside. The kids can pick as many as they want, and they get the amount inside. The amounts vary from week to week so that they can't get the same by picking only the easy chores or only the ones they like best. Each week there are two or three that just say 'thanks for being part of our family', and that's all they get for picking that one. They can't pick the envelope until they have finished the chore, to avoid them trying to peak to see what's inside. Also, keeping their own rooms clean and picking up after themselves is their responsibility and not counted as an extra chore. If my husband and I have to do this for them, we also have them 'pay' us, like they would have to if they hired someone to do it for them.

making him feel at home

Are there things from home that he can bring, like from his room to make him feel at home? Ask him if he wants to have any pictures from home, allowing him the opportunity to ask for a picture of his mom if he chooses. Place some things in his room, and one or two throughout the house as well, so that he feels he is 'at home'.


Hope this helps. I think it's great that a young couple is not only so willing to take this chid in and give him a great home while his mom gets the help she needs, but also that you are taking such an interest in making things right for him.

I will be praying for your family each night - let us know how it's going!

We already had a picture of his mom on the wall before he got here and he has put up this sign that his mom has made for him.
We had a talk about drugs the other day and it went really well.
I am really embarrassed to say my husband and I argued in front of him today. We apologized to each other and then to him but I am so angry that it even happened.

 

[New Creation]

OH yes, and he says he wants to be like Kurt Cobain except the blowing your head off part because he writes songs "that are meaningful".

I told him I want to introduce him to a band that writes really meaningful songs and really rock (Jars of Clay) and I think I will do that tomorrow.

As far as counselling- there is nobody around here to do it- our pastor is going away for the summer- so is our deacon. OUr actual Christian counsellor is out of the country as well.

Oh man, I feel like I'm really screwing things up.
How in the world could God have possibly thought I could do this?

 

[Kalista]

God will not give you anything you cannot handle.

No advice as I am not a parent but a big hug.

 

[AdJesumPerMariam]

OH yes, and he says he wants to be like Kurt Cobain except the blowing your head off part because he writes songs "that are meaningful".

I told him I want to introduce him to a band that writes really meaningful songs and really rock (Jars of Clay) and I think I will do that tomorrow.

As far as counselling- there is nobody around here to do it- our pastor is going away for the summer- so is our deacon. OUr actual Christian counsellor is out of the country as well.

Oh man, I feel like I'm really screwing things up.
How in the world could God have possibly thought I could do this?

Kids don't come with instructions,(I sure wish they did, though!)and all of us have made mistakes. Do the best you can. Introduce him to some kids his age at Church. Monitor his friends, & his music. Even with our foster kids, we monitor their music & friends, and don't allow many things. I have learned to be very firm in the beginning, and as time goes by, and they learn the rules, and how we feel, we let up, little by little.