New obsession

[marcb]

Hi,

Well the good news is I haven't been struggling with the "unpardonable sin." The bad news is I have a new obsession, of the "soul-selling" nature.

Now, my rational brain tells me there is no such thing as selling your soul. It has been bought by the precious blood of Christ.

In an exposure therapy session, my brain went wild and my thoughts ran away from me to the point of thinking I had "sold my unborn twin baby boys." Stop the ride, I want off. This is disgusting and I don't blame you if you feel I've crossed the line. It just got away from me. Since then (5 days ago), I've been really troubled and guilt ridden over this.

I know intellectually this is not possible, but emotionally I'm a mess. How do you reconcile this therapeutically. Do I really expose myself to this thought until it loses value? It's one thing if it's my, but my precious boys...I start to get sad when I see the babies room, etc. I want to be a good father and not second guess myself.

I have prayed about this and should leave it at that. We have prayed from the start that these boys would grow to love the LORD and have tremendous faith. I guess an out of control thought cannot undo what the LORD intends. It's just scary and I thought I'd just put this out there.

BTW, I'm just starting to feel the meds pull me out of the dumps, so hopefully I will be able to internalize these truths a bit more. Thanks for your support and prayer. Marc

 

[gracealone]

Hi Marc,
I'm sorry your OCD is flaring so badly right now. I know what it's like to get over one obession only to have another pop up to take it's place. This just means that all those excessive fight or flight chemicals need something on which to expend their energy. The fly trap is wanting something to chew on. In comes the new fly, but when we attempt to kill it, it only buzzes louder and flies around in our brain in such a way that it becomes impossible not to think about it. When the fly is as disgusting and revolting as this new obsession then the urge to pick up the fly swatter is really intense. I know, because I had horrible intrusive thoughts and images about my precious children when they were babies also. They totally sickened me. I kept thinking, why would I think such a thing, what's wrong with me, I must be such a wretched individual..etc. But the thoughts do not reflect our true rational self or our character but are just manifestations/symptoms of our disorder.
You are right in thinking that eventually this new fly will die a natural death,(mine did) the more you put down the fly swatter and refuse to chase it around the sooner it will die.
For now I wouldn't attempt any flooding techniques over this new obsession I would just use the ignoring technique. When your meds. have brought you to the place where the anxiety isn't so overwhelming then it will be easier to do that type of therapy.
Try to shift your focus to other things and by all means keep up the running. Aerobic exercise is so important to those of us with anxiety disorders.
I'm praying for you my friend. Although it seems like this storm will never pass, trust me, it will.
God Bless,
Mitzi


Well the good news is I haven't been struggling with the "unpardonable sin." The bad news is I have a new obsession, of the "soul-selling" nature.

Now, my rational brain tells me there is no such thing as selling your soul. It has been bought by the precious blood of Christ.

In an exposure therapy session, my brain went wild and my thoughts ran away from me to the point of thinking I had "sold my unborn twin baby boys." Stop the ride, I want off. This is disgusting and I don't blame you if you feel I've crossed the line. It just got away from me. Since then (5 days ago), I've been really troubled and guilt ridden over this.

I know intellectually this is not possible, but emotionally I'm a mess. How do you reconcile this therapeutically. Do I really expose myself to this thought until it loses value? It's one thing if it's my, but my precious boys...I start to get sad when I see the babies room, etc. I want to be a good father and not second guess myself.

I have prayed about this and should leave it at that. We have prayed from the start that these boys would grow to love the LORD and have tremendous faith. I guess an out of control thought cannot undo what the LORD intends. It's just scary and I thought I'd just put this out there.

BTW, I'm just starting to feel the meds pull me out of the dumps, so hopefully I will be able to internalize these truths a bit more. Thanks for your support and prayer. Marc[/quote]

 

[stacii]

Marc,
This doesn't surprise me at all. As your life changes, so will your OCD. As always, it will threaten what is most dear to you..your faith, your relationships and now your children. I dealt with these same issues while pregnant. I think it actually makes it worse that the babies aren't here yet.

I know how hard it is. When you told me that your wife was pregnant I was really praying that your OCD wouldn't take this unfortunate turn. It's okay though. It is still OCD...your old friend with a makeover. It will pass.

I think it is too soon to be doing exposure therapy. Practice relaxing and distracting yourself. Give those meds some time to work.

I avoided all things baby for two months while I was pregnant because it triggered obsessions.

I will pray hard for you. It is OCD. You are not your thoughts. This too shall pass...and then it will be on to the next thing....Stupid OCD.....

 

[kaykay637]

Marc,
This doesn't surprise me at all. As your life changes, so will your OCD. As always, it will threaten what is most dear to you..your faith, your relationships and now your children. I dealt with these same issues while pregnant. I think it actually makes it worse that the babies aren't here yet.

I know how hard it is. When you told me that your wife was pregnant I was really praying that your OCD wouldn't take this unfortunate turn. It's okay though. It is still OCD...your old friend with a makeover. It will pass.

I think it is too soon to be doing exposure therapy. Practice relaxing and distracting yourself. Give those meds some time to work.

I avoided all things baby for two months while I was pregnant because it triggered obsessions.

I will pray hard for you. It is OCD. You are not your thoughts. This too shall pass...and then it will be on to the next thing....Stupid OCD.....

Wow, "OCD with a make-over"--that really says it, doesn't it.

You are so right, Stacii. our OCD spikes do threaten what means the most to us, our faith, our children etc.

You and Mitzi have posted such excellent advice here for marc. I agree with all of it. In the last 3 or 4 years I have come to understand much about OCD, but what you have posted is helping me too. It just really reaffirmed what I have learned about OCD. Reading the forum is like looking in a mirror sometimes.