New Member-1st Post- My Story

[JohnInMichigan]

Hello to all,

My name is John and on Aug. 11th, my world came crashing down when my wife suddenly announced she needed to get away and think about things; think about us. She had just returned from Kentucky with our 15yrold son where they had been visiting her girlfriend & family. My wife initially denied this was about someone else but later admitted she had 'feelings' for the nephew of her friend.
I'm 40 and my wife is 39 by the way. This other guy is approx. 38. My wife and I would have celebrated our 21st anniversary on Sept. 7th having been together since we were 15/16. We have 2 sons (15 and 19). She went back down to Kentucky to 'figure things out' but later said to know for sure about her feelings for him. As soon as she returned, she filed for divorce. Her only explanation is that she is tired of working on us and through the feelings she has for this other person, it was 'revealed' to her all that she has been missing and how I made her feel inadequate over the years. The area that has troubled both of us is intimacy. She's not been one to show it or desire it whereas I have been. She's felt confused about why she can't and I've been hurt thinking it's all me. Anyhow, her mind is made up and she's willing to leave all behind, move away and start a new life. This includes leaving her family, sons, career, house, etc, etc. The settlement so far has been smooth because I told her I did not want a bitter fight about this. Financially, she'll do well as I supported her through college for her career. I've told her on numerous occasions that I'm sorry for anything I've done or not done to cause her to feel inadequate. I've never belittled her verbally or abused her mentally or physically. I was a Christian when I met her and she became one when we were dating. I have seen spiritual growth in her over the years however, with all of this, she is showing no indication that she is doing what God wants her to do. She has avoided talking with all family and close church friends her used to be her closest source of compassion. She is showing no emotion except anger and obvious excitement to get this over with so she can move away. We went to a Christian counselor which did nothing to help her slow down and think about this. Obviously, she has been bottling things up inside for a long time but to leave even her children behind???

She claims that she has prayed about this and believes this is the right thing to do according to her heart. She claims she has no desire to keep putting band-aids on our problems despite our committment many times over the years to never give up or allow divorce to be an option. I realize all of this is in God's hands but the shock, hurt and devastation is unbearable at times.
We had been to counseling in the past but it never went past a few sessions (individually and together) as we would think we're ok or our schedules were too busy. I simply cannot see how someone can change and be so determined to leave so much behind and seemingly not care about those who've loved her for most of her life. What amazes me even more is this other guy. He's divorced and has been through several bad relationships. He has 2 teenage boys and he and them live with his parents. He's on parole for something. He's significantly overweight, drinks & smokes alot (all opposite of me). All of which she has strongly been against for all our years. I suspect she has felt inferior to me or that I was too perfect and she was unable to live up to my standards or please me (which I've always tried to assure her is not true). I suspect this bond with this guy is about here feeling needed because he's 'not perfect'. Regardless, my position in this is to trust God and Stand in the Gap for reconciliation. I know that God hates divorce and is not causing this to happen to open either my eyes or her's. I've confessed my wrongs to her and to Him and committed to trusting all to Him.

Sorry for the long post. It's very confusing and empty for me at this time and my emotions are going crazy as I try so hard to give all to Him and trust Him to meet my needs and give direction. So far, all I'm 'hearing' is that He is there. I realize this may go on for quite sometime before her eyes and heart are opened and she turns back to God and our marriage. I've not reached the point where I feel God is leading me to quit praying for her and us and I don't know if I ever will.

Anyhow, thanks so much for letting me ramble on. I would so much appreciate your views and words of encouragement on this matter. As my head clears, I would like to share more background/details that might shed more light on all of this. If nothing else, it helps to express these things. I've started a long letter for my wife but I'm just not sure if or when is the right time to give it to her. She's heading back down to Kentucky for 2 wks soon (yes, she's still living here until the divorce is final- which is very difficult).

Thanks and God Bless to all !

John in Michigan
Eph. 4:32
Semper Fi

 

[bliz]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. This must be very painful and confusing for both you and your children. My heart goes out to all of you.

I would encourage you to keep the door open. She may wake up and realize what she has walked out on and what she is missing. She may yet listen to God's voice. It seems pretty clear that she is avoiding Christian counsel becasue she knows what they are going to say. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling for yourself. Having a safe place to vent and sort things out can be very helpful during tough times.

I know it makes no logical sense for her to choose this other guy. I knew a woman who left her family for a man she met while she sat on the jury that convicted him! She hadn't even spoken to him!

No marriage is perfect, but it seems clear she isn't willing to give your marriage a chance or letting you work on anything that needs to be changed and improved. I am so sorry.

 

[tonya]

I am glad you found this foroum because it does help just to be able to talk to others. I agree with Bliz that you should keep a soft heart and open door to her and above all else pray and keep God first!!!

I too knew of a lady that left her husband for a parolee. They had been married for years, had frown sons , and grandbabies. She finally woke up and came back!!

God bless you
Tonya

 

[bkg]

Never let satan win this battle. It is a battle for your wife, for your family. Satan will do whatever he can to destroy the family, including telling you lies through friends and family.

Your wife is likely being influenced by evil, as it is NOT God's will for anyone to divorce. Don't let satan win.

 

[JohnInMichigan]

Thanks so much for the encouraging replies.

One of the toughest things about all of this is finding the right outlet for my feelings. The primary outlet is of course God especially so when I'm on my knees or flat on my face pouring my heart out to Him. I know He hears me and is comforting me. I also know that He can force her will to change but He can convict her heart and 'encourage' her to do the right thing. Even with all of the support I'm receiving from a Christian Counselor, my Pastor, friends at church and family, I still often feel very alone and disconnected.
This forum helps to know that others are going through the same struggles and are also letting God do what He does best; Comfort and Restore relationships. Now more than ever, my eyes are on Him and my prayers are for strength, comfort and reconciliation with my wife. It's too overwhelming to think that this may take months or years or maybe she'll never come back. I try to stay focused on one day at a time. Staying in touch with God is the only way to do this. I can also see how He has changed me already during this time on a personal level in terms of focus on Him and my Christian growth along with release from sin in my past that kept me from serving Him more.

One other question....
I have been working on a letter that started as a 'journal' of sorts but then turned into a personal letter to my wife trying to explain some of my feelings at this time. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to fix her or fix us with this letter or gain hope that it would change her mind. Nor did I use it as an opportunity to blame her or tell her how I thought she was feeling. It's simply an expression of my heart relfecting on what I feel now and in summary, what I've always thought of her and our marriage covenant with God. I'm wondering if it would do more harm than good to give it to her or wait. She is leaving to go back down to see this other person for the next two weeks and I'm quite sure she will share this letter with him. I also feel led to not wait because there are things I want her to know now. Any thoughts ?

Thanks so much!

John
Eph. 4:32
Semper Fi

 

[bkg]

One other question....
I have been working on a letter that started as a 'journal' of sorts but then turned into a personal letter to my wife trying to explain some of my feelings at this time. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to fix her or fix us with this letter or gain hope that it would change her mind. Nor did I use it as an opportunity to blame her or tell her how I thought she was feeling. It's simply an expression of my heart relfecting on what I feel now and in summary, what I've always thought of her and our marriage covenant with God. I'm wondering if it would do more harm than good to give it to her or wait. She is leaving to go back down to see this other person for the next two weeks and I'm quite sure she will share this letter with him. I also feel led to not wait because there are things I want her to know now. Any thoughts ?

Do not take anyone's advice on this but God's. I've been in your shoes, and I've written many letters. I'm glad that I did, but some I should not have sent. But you never know that until AFTER she reads it, unfortunately.

I do not encourage "pursuing" of the person who is leaving anymore. "let the unbeliever leave". Instead, I think it's important lay it all out before God and let HIM work on her heart and through this situation. I've made the mistake of pursuing and found it only pushed her farther away (in my case). I can't say that will happen with you, I can't say it won't.

Write the letter, but ONLY send it if GOD Himself tells you to do so.

 

[jazzbird]

John, I'm so sorry to hear what is happening to your family. What a tragedy. I'm so glad to hear that you are standing for your marriage.

Your wife may say that she has prayed about this decision and believes that it is the right thing, but Satan is the father of lies, and his deceptions often sound so pleasant and good to us. I will be praying that she comes to realize that Satan desires to destroy family and destroy our relationships with God, and I'll pray that she would submit herself to what the Lord wants for your family, which is always reconciliation.

I'm just so sorry that you have to go through this. Feel free to use these boards as an outlet for your pain and confusion. There are many here who can give wise counsel on this issue because they've been there, and the rest of us can at least provide a listening ear and prayerful heart.

As for the letter, I don't know. I hope God gives you a clear indication of what you should do. My inclination would be to give it to her, but I understand that you would not want this other guy to read it. What a violation!

 

[Micaiah]

John,

Your story parallels my own, and I suspect many thousands of others around the world. It has been five years since my divorce, and I'm still rebuiding. In the end, God is the one who sustains and empowers. Stay close to Him.

I read a few articles and books a the time, and met several counsellors with and without my wifer. Nothing changed. I hoped desperately that the marriage would be repaired, but that seems less likely than ever.

In recent times I have read a book by Micahael Wells called 'Problems, God's Presence, and Prayer'. I wish I knew how to post images as I would scan some of the pages and post them. He has done a lot of counselling, and his Christian comments and insight were the best I've seen on this matter.

I'll try to give you a summary of some of his points. They will not give you a miracle cure for your situation, but rather a perspective that will give some stability and understanding on which to act.

Firstly he attributes most of the breakdowns in Christian marriages to selfishness. A spouse or the couple focus their own needs with little thought of making Christ the centre of the relationship. My happiness becomes the biggest priority in marriage, rather than serving Christ.

The consequence is clear. You do not meet my needs, therefore I must leave you for someone else to be truly happy.

 

[Micaiah]

In some cases, complaints may be real. The unhappy party becomes convinced there is nothing they can do to change or please their partner, and they must leave for their own personal happiness.

The author points out that no matter how good a spouse is, they will never meet the needs that only a right relationship with Christ can fill.

Once this mentality has gripped the heart, emotional divorce occurs, which always precedes intellectual and physical divorce. Considereable conflict occurs during this period of emotional divorce. People seldom return to their mate once this has been reached.

I recall this period in my own relationship. I became accutely aware that the woman I loved was no longer reciprocating that love over a long period. She became withdrawn, and showed little affection or sympathy for the difficulties I faced at the time. She became hard and callous. Those kinds of signs are a warning.

 

[Micaiah]

To arrive at the point of divorce, a person must struggle with all the consequences of their decision. This includes the children, friends, family, the respect of others, their position in church and socity, and even ones own self respect and morals.

All these things are bounced around until eventually one becomes the winner. If it is personal happiness, the person becomes a self styled martyr, a victim who has endured patiently for so long. This victim now deserves to be free from the ugly tyrant who has ruined their life for so long.

 

[Micaiah]

Once such a person has made up their mind, it is futile trying to reason with them. It all makes perfect sense. They will ignore the advice of those who disagree, and will search out those who provide sympathy for their cause. That could be a counsellor, friend, or even someone on this forum.

The spouse on the receiving end of all of this is going to become rejected and confused. The spouse seeking a divorce will now look for errors that justify obtaining a divorce. Every little error is magnified, and made into a huge problem. They will attempt to make their mate angry, violent, withdrawn, or irrational to be able to show others just what a terrible spouse they have.

 

[Micaiah]

More to come.

 

[JohnInMichigan]

Micaiah,

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It certainly seems to fit my wifes profile in many ways. I sincerely believe that she is a Christian which is why I'm confident in that God's will for her life cannot be ignored forever by her. She can run and develop a new relationship but that alone will not fill the void; only make her feel good for awhile. At this point, she really is trying to blot out that I even exist. Her anger, sarcasm and avoidance continues despite the kindness, compassion and love I've been trying to show even during this most unbearable time. I do not believe that God would cause this to happen since it's her free will to leave the marriage and enter into a sinful relationship. She doesn't even refer to it as an affair despite the things I hear and see. She say's she has prayed about this and really feels in her heart that this is the right thing. I cannot understand how she can resist the spirit of God within her to actually believe that God would bless what she is doing now or in the future. She claims that other couples we've known who are Christians were divorced and remarried and "Look at them, they're happy". All of this is amazes me more everyday as I try to seek out what God would have me do and how to pray.