New: Lost for words...

[Mommy2Jasmine05]

Hi All,
I'm new here and in some need of advice/prayer to get through. My husband and I were married for less than two yrs when he left me last year at the end of June. He was always lying and sneaking behind my back to talk to other females on the phone or computer or see other females from the past or from his second job. I suspect he cheated a few times also. When he left our daughter and I, it was when I had caught him in another lie. After he got off his second job he called and said he was going to a "guys" house to have burgers and he'd be home later. He told me he would call me later and hung up on me when I tried to get him to come home since it was late and he didn't see our daughter or me very often. I went straight to his work and tried to follow him where he was going and lost him so I called the friend he was supposed to be with and he said he hadn't seen him all night. He said I was too controlling and wouldn't let him do anything and he didn't love me anymore or want to be with me anymore. After he left he went out and partied and partied with friends and had many females running around him at all times. I suspect he's been with several girls since he left me. We've been separated for almost a yr now. We have a two yr old together and he doesn't see her regularly. Sometimes its 2 weeks and sometimes its 3 months from the last time we saw her. Seeing him kills me when he doesn't come around its like all the feelings of anger and hurt come rushing up and we don't get along at all. Plus, we're still financially tied together. We have soo many bills that have to be paid and I'm still paying the bills he should be responsible for ie his cell phone bill, car payment, and ect. So we fight all the time about everything. For the past year I've been struggling with this whole situation I really wanted him to come back to our daughter and I to be a family and we still have the "its over" conversation. I'm not sure if I fully accept the us getting divorced but I think for the most part I know its over and it has to be over but I still love my husband and really want to have to "family" we once had. He's been seen with other females out in public and says they are just "friends" I feel so hurt and betrayed by this person I once called " my love". He tries to justify what he does saying we haven't been together in almost a year and he doesn't love me. I really just need closure and for this marriage because I am still so emotionally hurt by this all. I really need this to be over so our daughter and I can move on. I can't file papers until I can pay off the majority of the bills because they are all in my name. What Can I do to make my heart stop hurting and for me to start healing? Is divorce the only way that will happen? How is a paper saying I'm divorced going to make me feel any better? I just feel like its not going to change how I feel about him or about our marriage. I miss having someone around and I feel really alone and lonely right now what do I do?

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

IMO you need to seek counseling to help you through this time. You don't mention if you are a church member - if so, talk to your pastor. If he is not trained, he should be able to refer you to someone. Also, in most communities there are mental health resources that base fees on a sliding-scale according to income.

I understand that you must pay bills if they are in your name. I do have a question about his cell phone bill - is this current usage, or an old bill? If it is currently being used, you should have it turned off immediately. Let him get his own phone in his name and pay for it himself.

 

[hope4today]

I agree that some form of counselling is appropriate. I know that it was very helpful for me when my husband left.

Also have you heard of divorcecare? It is about a 10 week course offered by many churches. It is very cheap and most churches would help out anyway in cases of serious financial hardship. It is full of very good information and I'm sure you would benefit from it. You can find divorce care on the net. I think it is divorcecare.org but a google search will find it quickly.
It is worth signing up for their daily email which is a real encouragement with lots of hints on dealing with the past and moving forward.

Have you sought any legal advice regarding your financial situation? Sounds like it could be worth it.

I know it doesn't seem now that there is much that can make this better but you will heal if you take the necessary steps to work through what has happened.

It also sounds like you may have to work through what was reality before and what was a dream. You mention going back to the family you once had but from what you said he was always cheating so that dream family never existed. That is hard to face but it is in facing these things that we can start to let go and move forward.

Again, I highly recommend doing Divorcecare. I found it very informative and helpful.

Blessings

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would second the suggestion for divorce care or divorce recovery classes at a local church. I did not know these classes existed more than 9 years ago when I separated, but I could've used the support. Besides the support I would imagine there could be some sharing of ideas on getting through the court system.

Why do you think you need to pay off the bills before you file? When you fill out (California) paperwork you list all of the debts and assests. You do not need to wait. If you don't have a legal separation he could be running up joint debt right now.

 

[DZoolander]

My question is the same as EatenByLocusts. Why do you need to wait until the bills are paid to file for divorce? I don't know of any legal requirements to do so - but maybe in your state it's different? And she's also right that while you remain married - any obligations that he takes on are shared by you.

With respect to everything else you wrote... Basically - what it sums up to is - you wish things were different.

I don't mean to be cold - but there's an old saying... "Wishes in one hand - feces in the other" (another word can be used in there, too). That sounds like what you've got.

 

[kanga22]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I also am in a state of "unfinished marriage" limbo. My husband is still helping out financially and I am in charge of getting the bills paid. We are physically seperated, when we talk it's short and argumentative and he doesn't spend enough time with our kids. My mental state has gotten better over time with help from my friends. I can't afford therapy (though I believe it would help me tremendously), but I have attended DivorceCare for one (13 wk?) session and it was VERY helpful. I strongly suggest you find one in your area.

The thing is that whether and when you divorce doesn't matter (imo) to your emotional state. In my marriage the reason for one of us to start divorce proceedings will probably be for legal and/or financial reasons. He will probably file when he's ready to remarry, I will probably file if I want the court to help me enforce boundaries. If he ever follows thru on threats, I would also file when he "cuts me off" and cancels our medical insurance. I would also file if he started doing things for which I could be held liable (i.e. open new credit cards and charge them to the max). Anyway, these are the reasons I've decided would take me to court to start the process.

But, for now, I'm okay in my limbo where I struggle to deal with everything emotionally and raise our children to the best of my ability. When God points me in a different direction, then I will do something different.

You are in my prayers. I hope you can find your way, and that you remember to occasionally ask God for His opinion.