New here...some help please!!

[mcconnellsgirl81]

I am new here to the Christian Forums and have read through nearly every post and thread about OCD and am pretty certain that I have it. I am 27 and a Christian and have been suffering inwardly for months. This will maybe be a long post and I apologize about that, but I really want to get out what has been in my heart and mind.

I have suffered from anxiety and panic off and on for years, at least 12 years that I can remember. Mental Illness runs in my family, with my mother suffering from GAD and bi-polar disorder. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl, but spent several years in a serious backslide and have in the past 3 years made many efforts to get right with the Lord and turn from my sinful past. This past year I actually felt that this was being accomplished, but since August of this year I have lived in a complete and utter state of panic, with horrible thoughts just running and running through my brain. I know they are not true, but I cannot turn them off. They have seemed to come out of nowhere, and have just rooted in my mind.

Maybe I should let you know a little about me. I am actually a harvest worker in China, teaching ESL to college students. I love China, I love my job and I love my students. I have a wonderful church that I attend here and have great friends. But all the joy seems to slowly being sucked out of my life. I can still live an almost normal life, but it takes constant effort and it is exhausting me! I worry though, because for the past week I have barely wanted to leave my apartment, afraid that something will set off the OCD/Panic while I am in public. In the past 5 days have completely stopped watching TV, movies, listening to music, afraid that I will see something or hear something that will set off the OCD. I feel like a prisoner!

Here are some of my obsessions: ( Number 1 is the worst and is the one that feels like it is killing me)

1) Sexual Obsessions- Constant thoughts and fears of being gay...I know I am not but cannot convince myself. I am actually scared to spend time alone with people of the same sex because of the fear that I am actually attracted to them or that I am going to act on some kind of horrible crazy urge. I feel sick with worry over this.

2) Relationship Obsessions- I have the fear that I cannot love other people, especially boyfriends. There is a man that I have very strong feelings for right now, but my mind is constantly telling me "YOu don't love him, you don't even like him." I had a past relationship where this was a huge problem. Even though I knew I loved him, my mind kept telling me I didn't. I am scared to get married because of this obsession and obsession number 1.

3) Fear of hurting other people or myself- This one is not so bad right now, mainly because obsession number 1 is so very bad. But, over this past year I had the obsession that I was going to kill my best friend's baby...I would just end up in tears at the end of the day because of this. I also had the fear that I was going to kill myself. I thought I was losing my mind.

4) Religious OCD- while this is not very bad, I do have constant doubts about my salvation and about my ability to love God. I also sometimes find myself thinking "God is not real" or "Jesus is not real."

So these are my thoughts and my feelings, and the first two are driving me over the edge. I have talked with people at my church here, but an overwhelming number of them do not support medicinal treatment for OCD/anxiety and just tell me to pray more and to trust in Jesus. They also tell me that I have a possession or oppression by demons. I do pray and I do trust Jesus, but I need more! Also, there is not much in the way of mental health treatment in China...they just do not believe in mental illness. So any kind of medical treatment will have to wait until I return home to America. What I need is support and encouragement.

I know it might not seem like it from my writing but I am in mental agony and I feel at times that I just can't keep it up. How do you keep from just giving up?

 

[seajoy]

Hi, and welcome to our forum.

What you are describing sounds like OCD, but you should be diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

Your friends at your church are very wrong. Do they take medicine for other ailments besides OCD? I'm sure they do. Also, you are not demon possessed. I was told the very same thing....but when the Lord led me to my psychiatrist, I found I had an illness...OCD. I took my meds and did my therapy, just as the doctor taught me. God blessed me with a healing like I never thought could happen.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was hospitalized for my OCD several times before I was diagnosed properly. I so understand where you are coming from.

It does not matter what the thoughts are that you are having....those thoughts are not the real you. With meds and exposure/response therapy, you too can have peace.

You are a beloved child of God. He takes care of His own. May you be blessed from this forum. We all understand just what you are going through.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

mcconnellsgirl, I wish I could give you a big hug. I have had 3 out of 4 of your obsessions, with the relationship obsessions and religious obsessions being the worst. In fact, the relationship obsessions are my #1 obsession, and I know painful it is to deal with this stuff. I actually got married to my husband in the throes of obsessing about whether or not I loved him, but I am so glad that I did. Over the years I have learned how to deal with this, though I have setbacks every now and then. I too also have spikes about not loving or believe in Jesus, and fears about God not being real. It is really hard, and hard not to want some sort of certainty for those thoughts. For a few weeks I even had the gay obsession... I really feel for those who have that as their main obsession.

There are a few things you can do now on your own while waiting to get back to the states. One thing that really helped me is just understanding/reading a lot of info on how OCD works. There will be times that you seriously doubt it is OCD, and will never be able to fully convince yourself it's OCD... this is just part of living with the uncertainty, and moving ahead anyway. I know it will seem scary, but try not to fight the thoughts or look for reassurance that you are heterosexual, or even love this guy you are interested in. It will feel like you are ignoring a big problem, but that's just OCD talking.

You see, the problem is in how we react to the thoughts: with fear. I just read a good explanation on another OCD forum - first off, try to think about all the random thoughts that pop into your head during the day. There are times that the strangest, most random thoughts pop into my head - like the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. But to me, it is just another thought and I am not afraid of it. But when I get a thought that I am afraid of - an ego-dystonic thought - it seems to stick. And I wonder, why did I think that? What does it mean? What does this say about me? Then the cycle of fear, obsession, doubt/guilt, etc. begins.

I have found that a good diet, exercise and general activity helps alleviate anxiety. Don't avoid the things that you are afraid of - it just makes the OCD stronger! One of the most valuable lessons I learned was to "stick to my agenda" - that is, when OCD would rather have me laying on the couch, avoiding the world because I'm afraid it will trigger the thoughts, that is the best time to get out and do something, because I'm showing OCD I'm not afraid of it! When you get back to the states, definitely see a therapist that specializes in OCD. They will help you start the right CBT/ERP course of therapy.

When all else fails, I just pray to God that he will give me some peace and respite from the suffering. This prayer has never failed me... and yet my OCD still tells me it's just a "coincidence" that I feel better, and God doesn't really exist! Ha!

Anyway, sorry this is so long. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further about any of your obsessions and how to cope... I have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

 

[seajoy]

Great post, Sad!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Just ditto to what seajoy and Sad wrote. I would also suggest you might want to check out Dr. Phillipson's website about OCD www.ocdonline.com. Some of his articles I think address some of your obsessions. He doesn't address it from a Christian standpoint, but nevertheless, I think he has real wisdom about how OCD operates. Wishing you the best and praying for you~

 

[mcconnellsgirl81]

Thanks so much! You ladies really are wonderful and wise I knew this was the right place to come. I am quite sure I will be coming back often with doubts and questions and concerns. Can I ask...did any of you have the fear that you would begin having pleasure from your thoughts? The thoughts I have, of course I do not want them, but I am worried that one day I will think the thought and rather than be reviled by it, I will actually like it. And sometimes I worry that I think these thoughts on purpose to see if I really do like these thoughts or not.

This might sound crazy but one of the things I do to check and see if I really am attracted to the same sex is I check my pupils constantly. I read that your pupils dilate if you are attracted to the person near you. I check maybe 30, 40, 50 times a day. I take out my mirror and check. I actually decided today I was not going to do that and it was so hard...I kept reaching for my mirror.

Right now I feel kind of lost...I am so worried that this is not really OCD and that I am just a bad person. I worry that I think these thoughts on purpose and that maybe I really do like them. I just do not know...I feel like the more I read about OCD, the more scared I become. I felt so hopeful yesterday about what I read about OCD, because it just exactly described everything I was feeling and everything I was going through. But now I have almost convinced myself that I imagined all those similarities, that I really do not have OCD, and that these thoughts are wanted and welcomed by me, even though as I write this I am almost in a state of panic.

But thanks so much for your wonderful advice. It truly is welcome!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, I can only tell you that fears that it's NOT OCD and that it's just us is kinda part of the OCD process too. Whatever direction your OCD struggles take, this seems to be a common thread. If we were certain it was OCD, the OCD would have lost most of it's punch. Our fears tend to fuel it and become part of the agony of it. Does that make sense? Most of us have been there, but if it helps at all, just let me tell you~~most of us discovered at the end of the day, it WAS OCD. When and if you have time to check out some of the articles by Dr. Phillipson, I think you will see some additional commonalities.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

You do not sound crazy, only because I have worried the same thing - what if I like the thoughts, what if I end up believing them and acting on them? We seem to be afraid of anything that is potentially out of our control. There have been times that I have been terrified that I will cheat on my husband... without my consent! lol! Only because we fear we will lose control and act against our will. So no, those worries do not sound crazy. In my experience, most people with Pure O go through some sort of process:

1. The obsession begins, and they suffer for awhile

2. They discover it's OCD

3. They are temporarily relieved that it's OCD and not their true thoughts/feelings

4. Relief/reassurance does not last long, as they begin to doubt it's OCD

5. Suffering continues

Sound familiar?

I went through four therapists telling me it was OCD (one was even Dr. Phillipson himself) before I finally had to start treating it as OCD, even if I worried and doubted that it wasn't. I used to think because I diagnosed myself, I was just making up the symptoms of OCD, and therefore I may not really have OCD. I worried that I was just faking, and instead was the exception to the rule. But that's what OCD does... it's tricky like that. That's why I suggest reading about other people's experiences with OCD - and not necessarily related to your obsessions. I noticed the same pattern of thinking, acting, etc. in people who had harm obsessions. I noticed them doing and feeling the exact same things that I was doing and feeling. There are times I still read Dr. Philipson's stuff and go "wow! that's me!" and have to laugh at myself because I am TYPICAL OCD, and yet, my OCD still doubts that it's OCD.

 

[kaykay9.0]

You do not sound crazy, only because I have worried the same thing - what if I like the thoughts, what if I end up believing them and acting on them? We seem to be afraid of anything that is potentially out of our control. There have been times that I have been terrified that I will cheat on my husband... without my consent! lol! Only because we fear we will lose control and act against our will. So no, those worries do not sound crazy. In my experience, most people with Pure O go through some sort of process:

1. The obsession begins, and they suffer for awhile

2. They discover it's OCD

3. They are temporarily relieved that it's OCD and not their true thoughts/feelings

4. Relief/reassurance does not last long, as they begin to doubt it's OCD

5. Suffering continues

Sound familiar?

I went through four therapists telling me it was OCD (one was even Dr. Phillipson himself) before I finally had to start treating it as OCD, even if I worried and doubted that it wasn't. I used to think because I diagnosed myself, I was just making up the symptoms of OCD, and therefore I may not really have OCD. I worried that I was just faking, and instead was the exception to the rule. But that's what OCD does... it's tricky like that. That's why I suggest reading about other people's experiences with OCD - and not necessarily related to your obsessions. I noticed the same pattern of thinking, acting, etc. in people who had harm obsessions. I noticed them doing and feeling the exact same things that I was doing and feeling. There are times I still read Dr. Philipson's stuff and go "wow! that's me!" and have to laugh at myself because I am TYPICAL OCD, and yet, my OCD still doubts that it's OCD.

Very, very well said, Sad. I totally relate. My counselor told me I needed to get out of the "river denial" Bad pun, but sooo true!
Actually, even though I had been diagnosed by a professional counselor and a psychiatrist, I still had doubts about it. (And as a child, I had even had the classic "excessive handwashing" compulsion! But I still didn't "get" it!) I really think one thing that finally really nailed it for me was actually coming to this forum. It was really like looking in a mirror.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Mcconnellsgirl,
Welcome to a great forum. You've already recieved some really awesome counsel and insight from the previous posters. I can't really add much more. What would I do without those gals.
I too have panic attacks and generalised anxiety and OCD and have struggled with two of your obsessions. So as far as OCD goes your symptoms are pretty typical. But typical OCD is typically severely distressing.
You asked how to keep from giving up. I think the best answer to that is to learn to let go and leave off fighting the obsessions. It's hard to do that because the OCD anxiety will make you want to fight but it's the fighting that keeps the war going.
I agree with the advice from Sad about reading Dr. Philipson's articles online. Read and re-read them until they begin to really sink in.
Also exercise is a key component to my treating my OCD it really helps to raise the serotonin levels in my brain.
Hope you'll stay with the forum and keep us informed as to how you're doing.
It's great to know you're not alone, isn't it?
Prayers,
Mitzi

I am new here to the Christian Forums and have read through nearly every post and thread about OCD and am pretty certain that I have it. I am 27 and a Christian and have been suffering inwardly for months. This will maybe be a long post and I apologize about that, but I really want to get out what has been in my heart and mind.

I have suffered from anxiety and panic off and on for years, at least 12 years that I can remember. Mental Illness runs in my family, with my mother suffering from GAD and bi-polar disorder. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl, but spent several years in a serious backslide and have in the past 3 years made many efforts to get right with the Lord and turn from my sinful past. This past year I actually felt that this was being accomplished, but since August of this year I have lived in a complete and utter state of panic, with horrible thoughts just running and running through my brain. I know they are not true, but I cannot turn them off. They have seemed to come out of nowhere, and have just rooted in my mind.

Maybe I should let you know a little about me. I am actually a harvest worker in China, teaching ESL to college students. I love China, I love my job and I love my students. I have a wonderful church that I attend here and have great friends. But all the joy seems to slowly being sucked out of my life. I can still live an almost normal life, but it takes constant effort and it is exhausting me! I worry though, because for the past week I have barely wanted to leave my apartment, afraid that something will set off the OCD/Panic while I am in public. In the past 5 days have completely stopped watching TV, movies, listening to music, afraid that I will see something or hear something that will set off the OCD. I feel like a prisoner!

Here are some of my obsessions: ( Number 1 is the worst and is the one that feels like it is killing me)

1) Sexual Obsessions- Constant thoughts and fears of being gay...I know I am not but cannot convince myself. I am actually scared to spend time alone with people of the same sex because of the fear that I am actually attracted to them or that I am going to act on some kind of horrible crazy urge. I feel sick with worry over this.

2) Relationship Obsessions- I have the fear that I cannot love other people, especially boyfriends. There is a man that I have very strong feelings for right now, but my mind is constantly telling me "YOu don't love him, you don't even like him." I had a past relationship where this was a huge problem. Even though I knew I loved him, my mind kept telling me I didn't. I am scared to get married because of this obsession and obsession number 1.

3) Fear of hurting other people or myself- This one is not so bad right now, mainly because obsession number 1 is so very bad. But, over this past year I had the obsession that I was going to kill my best friend's baby...I would just end up in tears at the end of the day because of this. I also had the fear that I was going to kill myself. I thought I was losing my mind.

4) Religious OCD- while this is not very bad, I do have constant doubts about my salvation and about my ability to love God. I also sometimes find myself thinking "God is not real" or "Jesus is not real."

So these are my thoughts and my feelings, and the first two are driving me over the edge. I have talked with people at my church here, but an overwhelming number of them do not support medicinal treatment for OCD/anxiety and just tell me to pray more and to trust in Jesus. They also tell me that I have a possession or oppression by demons. I do pray and I do trust Jesus, but I need more! Also, there is not much in the way of mental health treatment in China...they just do not believe in mental illness. So any kind of medical treatment will have to wait until I return home to America. What I need is support and encouragement.

I know it might not seem like it from my writing but I am in mental agony and I feel at times that I just can't keep it up. How do you keep from just giving up?

 

[stephanieamber]

GIRL, when I read your post I was like.. hello, is that me over there posting?? The minute I was diagnosed with OCD was the best moment of my life (not really, but you know) because then it was almost like.. a small liberation. I was able to say "these crazy thoughts and processes are NOT of me!" Even reading your first post really filled my heart, because it reminded me that so many of my fears aren't of ME, they are my OCD.

When I first started treatment for OCD, I had SO MANY people tell me that I didn't need medicine, I just needed to pray. How many of them would say the same thing to their mom if she was diagnosed with breast cancer? OCD is an illness, and unfortunately because it is mental, people seem to think that it is less serious. The wide array of people in the world who self-diagnose themselves incorrectly doesn't help. That was also a discouragement early in my treatment; I would spend MONTHS getting the nerve to tell someone I had OCD and their response? "We all have it to some degree" and I wanted to rip them to shreds and yell "Are you scared of changing babies diapers? Do you avoid knives because you're scared of stabbing people? Do you get uncomfortable being around your close friends because you're worried they'll think you are in love with them??"

RAWR! Anyway. Wow. I have never actually expressed that. My point, though. The therapy and medicine did NOT work for me. In the end, I really just needed encouragement, support and prayer. The Lord has steadfastly refused to remove this but has instead offered me relief. It's been two years since I was on medicine, and I've become able to function. I actually have kept a job for 2 years!

Yesterday I felt off all day. I didn't talk to anyone and I was so anxious. So I took the time to think about everything that had happened. And I pinpointed what it was. Bubble wrap. Thursday night I had a package that was wrapped in bubble wrap. I was busy popping bubble wrap (avoid it, it is seriously toxic for people like us) and my mom was so annoyed that I had to throw it away before I was done. Because I knew there was unpopped bubble wrap in my garbage can, it was throwing me off everywhere. Once I admitted this in my brain and figured out the other things that were upsetting me, I was able to verbalize them and get over it.

again, this is just my personal stuff. Sorry I am writing so much about myself. I probably should have started my own post, but I just felt like you are in the exact same place I was in a few years ago.

Know that you are NOT alone and there are tons of great people here (I know this because I have been lurking) who care and will support you and encourage you. And I will too, even if I am not one fo the great ones