I'm probably going to end up upsetting or alienating someone by writing this... but it is not what I meant. All I ask is that you read my words and respond as you feel God would wish you to.
It's kind of long... if you have a moment to sit down with a cup of coffee and an open mind, thank you-- and God bless you for your show of love and kindness.
I am a transsexual, or at least I think I am. I was born male, but I have lived for several years in the female role. I changed my name and legal gender, and I took hormones which somewhat changed my body shape. (I did not have "The Surgery" and am still anatomically male.) But in the end, I was not happy.
It has taken me years, in fact, to realize that I am no happier now than before-- in fact, I am more miserable than ever.
This all came to a head when I finally, after fearing and resisting for years, accepted Jesus into my life. I wanted (and still want) to know what God wants me to do.
My experiences with the transsexual community have been varied. Many self-professed transsexuals, I am ashamed to admit, seem to me to be nothing more than confused fetishists. They partake of multiple fetishes, they seem extremely sex-oriented. After their surgeries, many of them are happy, or say they are happy, but in the end many of them are still miserable and lost. None of the people in this group lead what I would call "fulfilling" or "wholesome" lives. Some of the more extreme examples of this group seem like confused drag queens (i.e. gay males who like to dress as women), complete with the stereotypical hand-flapping, lispy speech, and the whole bit.
Then there are those whose need to become a woman (or a man in the case of female-to-male TSes) is so fervent that they attempt or threaten suicide (which is extremely common among TSes) if they fail to get their surgery. These sorts do seem to be genuinely delighted in their new lives.
And I have known at least one transsexual who was Christian, professed her faith in Christ, and went through with her surgery. (Her family abandoned her, saying "Jesus will never forgive you." In my heart, I know that they are wrong, and what they did was neither Godly nor helpful.)
And then there is me. I don't really fit into either of these groups. There were times when I thought I would die if I could not be a woman, but obviously I am still here, and I have not yet attempted suicide. (Nor will I-- so don't worry if you are the worrying sort. I am that sort myself...) I am definitely not a fetishist. And I am most certainly not a gay male. My attraction to women is far larger than my attraction to men, and I really dislike-- to put it mildly-- gay male "culture". I'm talking about the "leather men", the "bears", all the silly terms that they invent to categorize their particular fetishes, rather than simply having nice happy relationships (I know I'm sounding naive or young here... I'm really not that young. I'm actually 25.) I have never been a part of gay male culture, nor would (or could) I ever be.
I seem to be leaning towards the conclusion that, although many parts of my personality are quote-"feminine"-unquote (i.e. I tend to be sensitive, I do not like sports, I cry, etc.), in the end the true reason (aside from childish hopes and dreams-- if not outright confusion) that I wished to become female was because I hated who I was-- a male. I was tormented so, so, so much by kids-- virtually always male kids-- who called me horrible names all day. They called me "stupid" and "nerd" and-- most of all-- "f*gg*t". They called me this due to my feminine mannerisms and motions-- many of which I was never able to shake off (nor did I particularly care to). To this day, I "throw like a girl".
This label that they tagged me with is especially ridiculous in that at the time it was given, I was (romantically/sexually/what-have-you) interested only in women. Only when I had begun to live in the female role (complete with changing my ID cards and whatnot to reflect a female name and 'F' in the 'sex' column) did I date men, and none of the relationships were particularly fulfilling in the long run. But I was given this label long, long before that-- long before I even knew what the word meant, in fact, and the label persisted into my hormone-drenched teenage years, in which I longed for a girlfriend-- and ONLY a girlfriend (not a boyfriend).
I guess that's part of the point I am making, and that is thus: I'm starting to believe that I transitioned simply because of my hatred and fear for men (stemming from the horrible things that male children and teenagers (and young adults) did to me while growing up), and my fervent love and admiration of women.
In the past few years, I have learned things no normal man could know. As I've walked the world as a female, I've experienced first-hand the horrors of sexism (store clerks assuming I'm an idiot about computers because they looked and saw a woman), fear of rape (I know the fear of walking through a strange neighborhood after dark, afraid a rapist or mugger would jump out from any corner, pull off my pants, and discover my "horrible secret"), tactless male pick-up lines (I won't even get into these here.. they're pretty embarrassing), and more. I've learned the answer to the timeless male pondering "are women's restrooms really that much cleaner than men's?" (The answer, in my opinion, is "sometimes yes, sometimes they're just as bad"), and I've been in the uncomfortable position of having strange, random men flirt with me and ask me if I'm married. Thanks (and I use the word lightly) to the hormones I've been taking, and the sometimes irregular schedules I took them on, I have felt all the mental and emotional agonies of PMS (no cramps, obviously, but all the crankiness), and the rollercoaster ride of out-of-control hormone-driven mood swings. And I've learned far more than I ever wanted to know about the proper use of make-up. (I've never even cared about make-up, but it was necessary to feminize my appearance.)
I've heard all the stereotypes about male-to-female transsexuals. That we come from broken homes (my parents are STILL married), that our fathers beat us (never-- he barely even smacked me) or raped us (NEVER), that we lacked a solid male role-model (arguable, but probably no, not in the sense that people seem to believe). I've heard that we are confused homosexuals, and no, that's not true either-- at least, not in most cases, and definitely not in mine. (Actually, a LOT of M2F TS girls self-identify as lesbians... and only date women, TS or "born women". There are also a significant minority of M2Fs who are married to born women). I've heard the persistent confusion between transsexuality ("female [brain wiring] trapped in a male body") and transvestism (cross-dressing for sexual pleasure). To such people, I politely explain that no, I do not get sexually excited by wearing a dress or female undergarments, and in fact I virtually NEVER wear a dress, or even a blouse-- preferring jeans and a T-shirt.) I never wanted to be some silly, stereotypical "magical fairy princess" type girlie-girl. I just wanted to be a girl-- that's all. And to be me... me being a geek who likes computers far too much.
And for several years, I have tried living as a woman... but in the end, I feel empty inside. Walking around dressed as a woman, passing myself off as a woman, I feel hollow and fake, like a play-actor. I feel this way because I love women so much that I could never see myself as a "genuine" woman. I see myself as a fraud. On the other side of the coin, I've tried-- in one or two very, very brief periods of my life-- to pass myself off as "masculine" or "macho", and failed desperately.
I do not know where I am going from here. A longtime Christian friend of mine (who's known me since before all this stuff started to "hit the fan", as it were) is trying to get me a nice steady non-computer-related job in which to experiment in living again as a male. But I am afraid. Afraid of myself, afraid of who and what I am.
I have been afraid to leave the house, dressed as a woman. I've felt like all eyes would be on me (though in practice this is not the case); I've felt ashamed, paranoid, phony, and downright miserable. For these past few years, I've been virtually unable to maintain a healthy social or financial life due to this crippling fear and shame.
And on the other side of the coin, in many real ways, I am afraid to be considered a "man". I have been conditioned by my experiences (and my unique personal reactions to them!) to view "man" as a dirty word. Traditionally, when someone says "man" to me, I picture either a knuckle-dragging caveman dragging a woman back into his cave by her hair, or a grubby misogynist in beer-stained "wifebeaters" bossing his wife around and beating her when she doesn't do as he says.
I know intellectually that these stereotypes are not always the case, and that-- if I am a man-- I am not that sort of man, never was, never would be, and never COULD be. But emotionally I still need a bit of cheerleading. I need some good friends-- good Christian friends (and nonbelievers too!) who can reassure me that I'm not all of the things that my total lack of self-esteem has convinced me I am-- ugly, stupid, a freak of nature (or science, as it may be), and Just Another Evil Guy.
I will say this unabashedly and unequivocally: I love women with all my heart. Just below God (and all things Godly) in my heart, that is where woman sits. I was brought to tears when I read, on Focus on the Family's site, the simple truth that "men and women were made for each other". I thought, for the first time-- so what God wants of me, as one born a male, is to love and cherish a woman in the bonds of marriage?" To love and to cherish, and to respect, and to admire and adore... That sounds so wonderful... so in contrast to what I was always told (almost always indirectly, through examples given by males in the community and elsewhere), that men have to be aggressive, violent sexual predators whose only interest in women is for sexual release, and who conside women to be the dumbest creatures on earth. I know that what I read on that site is the Truth. But tell that to society! I love all women, and honor them above all else on this earth. I think women are the most beautiful and lovable and sparkling creatures in all God's creation, and I think that they deserve respect of all sorts (intellectual, social and otherwise), the same civil rights as men, and to be seen as individuals (and not merely sex playthings for sexually addicted men.) For that, I was called those horrible words, implying I was gay, implying I was less than a man? Because I wasn't a "skirt-chaser"?
Is what I believe in really so "unmanly"? Is it "unmanly" to love and respect women? Is it "unmanly" to acknowledge and cherish womens' intellects and their goals-- even when said intellects are more developed, and said goals more pure and noble, than my own?
I would say no. But I am not the one who sets the social standards (nor would I want to be).
In the end, it sometimes seems like just me and God. I feel absolutely miserable, lonesome, confused, hurt, and ugly. I feel-- quite honestly-- like a monster, and some days I look at my face in the mirror and just cry, not knowing who or what it is I am looking at. I'm just a human being, looking for those who will communicate with me, befriend me, and do all the "normal" things I've missed out on in so many ways... And I very, very badly need human, Christian contact.
And I want the ability to look in the mirror, see a man, and genuinely smile-- not in pride or in sarcasm, but in contentment at who and what I was born as. I do not wish to continue this expensive and torment-filled masquerade of being someone and something I will almost certainly never feel I can be (i.e. a woman). At the same time, the idea of living as a male again makes me apprehensive. I don't want women to see me as a potential rapist simply because I happen to have male anatomy. I don't want men to assume that I'm "on their side" in all matters, or that I enjoy sports and rough-housing, or that I am misogynous and judge a woman by her bra size. And I most CERTAINLY don't want men to shout awful names at me for being a "sensitive" guy. I'm not gay! (And thank God I'm not-- no offense intended to those who struggle with homosexuality. I'm at least glad I don't have THAT particular struggle in my life!) Even though I was briefly with men while living as a woman, I could never be with a man while living as a man. The gay culture is revolting, and I would not want to be with someone who is a part of that world, a part of that culture. (I hope I am not offending anyone as I write this; I have plenty of gay friends, and many are nice people. But the gay "society" or "culture" absolutely stinks. Anyhow, I've drifted off-topic. I'm rambling, and I apologize for that...)
Please do not hate me for what I have gone through. That is all I really ask. I know that God will find a way for me somehow, but on some days it seems so bleak... and I know that God wishes for me to make contact with other Christian youth and socialize, pray together, laugh together... do those things "normal people" do.
I guess if I had a wish, it would be to be "normal"... and to be happy.
It's kind of long... if you have a moment to sit down with a cup of coffee and an open mind, thank you-- and God bless you for your show of love and kindness.
I am a transsexual, or at least I think I am. I was born male, but I have lived for several years in the female role. I changed my name and legal gender, and I took hormones which somewhat changed my body shape. (I did not have "The Surgery" and am still anatomically male.) But in the end, I was not happy.
It has taken me years, in fact, to realize that I am no happier now than before-- in fact, I am more miserable than ever.
This all came to a head when I finally, after fearing and resisting for years, accepted Jesus into my life. I wanted (and still want) to know what God wants me to do.
My experiences with the transsexual community have been varied. Many self-professed transsexuals, I am ashamed to admit, seem to me to be nothing more than confused fetishists. They partake of multiple fetishes, they seem extremely sex-oriented. After their surgeries, many of them are happy, or say they are happy, but in the end many of them are still miserable and lost. None of the people in this group lead what I would call "fulfilling" or "wholesome" lives. Some of the more extreme examples of this group seem like confused drag queens (i.e. gay males who like to dress as women), complete with the stereotypical hand-flapping, lispy speech, and the whole bit.
Then there are those whose need to become a woman (or a man in the case of female-to-male TSes) is so fervent that they attempt or threaten suicide (which is extremely common among TSes) if they fail to get their surgery. These sorts do seem to be genuinely delighted in their new lives.
And I have known at least one transsexual who was Christian, professed her faith in Christ, and went through with her surgery. (Her family abandoned her, saying "Jesus will never forgive you." In my heart, I know that they are wrong, and what they did was neither Godly nor helpful.)
And then there is me. I don't really fit into either of these groups. There were times when I thought I would die if I could not be a woman, but obviously I am still here, and I have not yet attempted suicide. (Nor will I-- so don't worry if you are the worrying sort. I am that sort myself...) I am definitely not a fetishist. And I am most certainly not a gay male. My attraction to women is far larger than my attraction to men, and I really dislike-- to put it mildly-- gay male "culture". I'm talking about the "leather men", the "bears", all the silly terms that they invent to categorize their particular fetishes, rather than simply having nice happy relationships (I know I'm sounding naive or young here... I'm really not that young. I'm actually 25.) I have never been a part of gay male culture, nor would (or could) I ever be.
I seem to be leaning towards the conclusion that, although many parts of my personality are quote-"feminine"-unquote (i.e. I tend to be sensitive, I do not like sports, I cry, etc.), in the end the true reason (aside from childish hopes and dreams-- if not outright confusion) that I wished to become female was because I hated who I was-- a male. I was tormented so, so, so much by kids-- virtually always male kids-- who called me horrible names all day. They called me "stupid" and "nerd" and-- most of all-- "f*gg*t". They called me this due to my feminine mannerisms and motions-- many of which I was never able to shake off (nor did I particularly care to). To this day, I "throw like a girl".
This label that they tagged me with is especially ridiculous in that at the time it was given, I was (romantically/sexually/what-have-you) interested only in women. Only when I had begun to live in the female role (complete with changing my ID cards and whatnot to reflect a female name and 'F' in the 'sex' column) did I date men, and none of the relationships were particularly fulfilling in the long run. But I was given this label long, long before that-- long before I even knew what the word meant, in fact, and the label persisted into my hormone-drenched teenage years, in which I longed for a girlfriend-- and ONLY a girlfriend (not a boyfriend).
I guess that's part of the point I am making, and that is thus: I'm starting to believe that I transitioned simply because of my hatred and fear for men (stemming from the horrible things that male children and teenagers (and young adults) did to me while growing up), and my fervent love and admiration of women.
In the past few years, I have learned things no normal man could know. As I've walked the world as a female, I've experienced first-hand the horrors of sexism (store clerks assuming I'm an idiot about computers because they looked and saw a woman), fear of rape (I know the fear of walking through a strange neighborhood after dark, afraid a rapist or mugger would jump out from any corner, pull off my pants, and discover my "horrible secret"), tactless male pick-up lines (I won't even get into these here.. they're pretty embarrassing), and more. I've learned the answer to the timeless male pondering "are women's restrooms really that much cleaner than men's?" (The answer, in my opinion, is "sometimes yes, sometimes they're just as bad"), and I've been in the uncomfortable position of having strange, random men flirt with me and ask me if I'm married. Thanks (and I use the word lightly) to the hormones I've been taking, and the sometimes irregular schedules I took them on, I have felt all the mental and emotional agonies of PMS (no cramps, obviously, but all the crankiness), and the rollercoaster ride of out-of-control hormone-driven mood swings. And I've learned far more than I ever wanted to know about the proper use of make-up. (I've never even cared about make-up, but it was necessary to feminize my appearance.)
I've heard all the stereotypes about male-to-female transsexuals. That we come from broken homes (my parents are STILL married), that our fathers beat us (never-- he barely even smacked me) or raped us (NEVER), that we lacked a solid male role-model (arguable, but probably no, not in the sense that people seem to believe). I've heard that we are confused homosexuals, and no, that's not true either-- at least, not in most cases, and definitely not in mine. (Actually, a LOT of M2F TS girls self-identify as lesbians... and only date women, TS or "born women". There are also a significant minority of M2Fs who are married to born women). I've heard the persistent confusion between transsexuality ("female [brain wiring] trapped in a male body") and transvestism (cross-dressing for sexual pleasure). To such people, I politely explain that no, I do not get sexually excited by wearing a dress or female undergarments, and in fact I virtually NEVER wear a dress, or even a blouse-- preferring jeans and a T-shirt.) I never wanted to be some silly, stereotypical "magical fairy princess" type girlie-girl. I just wanted to be a girl-- that's all. And to be me... me being a geek who likes computers far too much.
And for several years, I have tried living as a woman... but in the end, I feel empty inside. Walking around dressed as a woman, passing myself off as a woman, I feel hollow and fake, like a play-actor. I feel this way because I love women so much that I could never see myself as a "genuine" woman. I see myself as a fraud. On the other side of the coin, I've tried-- in one or two very, very brief periods of my life-- to pass myself off as "masculine" or "macho", and failed desperately.
I do not know where I am going from here. A longtime Christian friend of mine (who's known me since before all this stuff started to "hit the fan", as it were) is trying to get me a nice steady non-computer-related job in which to experiment in living again as a male. But I am afraid. Afraid of myself, afraid of who and what I am.
I have been afraid to leave the house, dressed as a woman. I've felt like all eyes would be on me (though in practice this is not the case); I've felt ashamed, paranoid, phony, and downright miserable. For these past few years, I've been virtually unable to maintain a healthy social or financial life due to this crippling fear and shame.
And on the other side of the coin, in many real ways, I am afraid to be considered a "man". I have been conditioned by my experiences (and my unique personal reactions to them!) to view "man" as a dirty word. Traditionally, when someone says "man" to me, I picture either a knuckle-dragging caveman dragging a woman back into his cave by her hair, or a grubby misogynist in beer-stained "wifebeaters" bossing his wife around and beating her when she doesn't do as he says.
I know intellectually that these stereotypes are not always the case, and that-- if I am a man-- I am not that sort of man, never was, never would be, and never COULD be. But emotionally I still need a bit of cheerleading. I need some good friends-- good Christian friends (and nonbelievers too!) who can reassure me that I'm not all of the things that my total lack of self-esteem has convinced me I am-- ugly, stupid, a freak of nature (or science, as it may be), and Just Another Evil Guy.
I will say this unabashedly and unequivocally: I love women with all my heart. Just below God (and all things Godly) in my heart, that is where woman sits. I was brought to tears when I read, on Focus on the Family's site, the simple truth that "men and women were made for each other". I thought, for the first time-- so what God wants of me, as one born a male, is to love and cherish a woman in the bonds of marriage?" To love and to cherish, and to respect, and to admire and adore... That sounds so wonderful... so in contrast to what I was always told (almost always indirectly, through examples given by males in the community and elsewhere), that men have to be aggressive, violent sexual predators whose only interest in women is for sexual release, and who conside women to be the dumbest creatures on earth. I know that what I read on that site is the Truth. But tell that to society! I love all women, and honor them above all else on this earth. I think women are the most beautiful and lovable and sparkling creatures in all God's creation, and I think that they deserve respect of all sorts (intellectual, social and otherwise), the same civil rights as men, and to be seen as individuals (and not merely sex playthings for sexually addicted men.) For that, I was called those horrible words, implying I was gay, implying I was less than a man? Because I wasn't a "skirt-chaser"?
Is what I believe in really so "unmanly"? Is it "unmanly" to love and respect women? Is it "unmanly" to acknowledge and cherish womens' intellects and their goals-- even when said intellects are more developed, and said goals more pure and noble, than my own?
I would say no. But I am not the one who sets the social standards (nor would I want to be).
In the end, it sometimes seems like just me and God. I feel absolutely miserable, lonesome, confused, hurt, and ugly. I feel-- quite honestly-- like a monster, and some days I look at my face in the mirror and just cry, not knowing who or what it is I am looking at. I'm just a human being, looking for those who will communicate with me, befriend me, and do all the "normal" things I've missed out on in so many ways... And I very, very badly need human, Christian contact.
And I want the ability to look in the mirror, see a man, and genuinely smile-- not in pride or in sarcasm, but in contentment at who and what I was born as. I do not wish to continue this expensive and torment-filled masquerade of being someone and something I will almost certainly never feel I can be (i.e. a woman). At the same time, the idea of living as a male again makes me apprehensive. I don't want women to see me as a potential rapist simply because I happen to have male anatomy. I don't want men to assume that I'm "on their side" in all matters, or that I enjoy sports and rough-housing, or that I am misogynous and judge a woman by her bra size. And I most CERTAINLY don't want men to shout awful names at me for being a "sensitive" guy. I'm not gay! (And thank God I'm not-- no offense intended to those who struggle with homosexuality. I'm at least glad I don't have THAT particular struggle in my life!) Even though I was briefly with men while living as a woman, I could never be with a man while living as a man. The gay culture is revolting, and I would not want to be with someone who is a part of that world, a part of that culture. (I hope I am not offending anyone as I write this; I have plenty of gay friends, and many are nice people. But the gay "society" or "culture" absolutely stinks. Anyhow, I've drifted off-topic. I'm rambling, and I apologize for that...)
Please do not hate me for what I have gone through. That is all I really ask. I know that God will find a way for me somehow, but on some days it seems so bleak... and I know that God wishes for me to make contact with other Christian youth and socialize, pray together, laugh together... do those things "normal people" do.
I guess if I had a wish, it would be to be "normal"... and to be happy.
