My personal tribulation resulting from personal sin (2 May 2017):
I know it would be hard and even embarrass for me to share one of my weakest moment But it will be necessary for me to share without much details to caution brothers and sisters-in Christ the real danger of falling into sins. It is not as simple as say a prayer and repent. More than that. This personal testimony will further emphasize the importance of keeping sins away and be on guard. No matter how big or small sins you committed, it really hurts you spiritually and damaged your walk with God.
It all started on 1 May 2017 when I began to feel unwell. I started to develop sore throat, coughing and began to have physical pain. So I went to a private doctor, which charged much higher than normal days as 1 May is a public holiday. The medical fees I paid caused an argument to occur between my wife and me as she felt that I was willingly cheated by the doctor with the medicines prescribed to me. I felt real down and was angry that I did not ask to be sick. I became angry and even affected my relationship with my daughters. The younger one did not cooperate with me and my wife reminded me of being foolish enough of not calling her and proceeded to pay the hefty sum of medical bills. I lost control of my temper and kicked at the kitchen cabinet’s door to express my frustration.
In the night time while sleeping it seemed that I was engulfed with flame. It burnt and I felt very uncomfortable. Wicked thoughts started to creep into my mind. I struggled to pray. Nothing happened till the next morning. I woke up after my wife sending my 2 daughters to school and resting in the room, I watched a testimony from a sister in Christ from China. I could not pay attention. So when my wife woke up, I told her that I would pray in the room. Instead of praying, wicked thoughts and actions overwhelmed me. I felt totally helpless and felt greatly chained. I could not and not willing to escape. I was unable to pray. My mind went blank. It was very terrible. Can you imagine of the helplessness and in ability to self control yourself?
After that, I felt down for disappointing the Lord and my wife. When my wife went to school to fetch my 2 daughters back school, I was left alone in the house with a tenant. I experienced 2nd spiritual attack so ferociously to push me to commit sin for the 2nd time at the same day. I thank God that I stood up with my fist telling myself I cannot allow myself to fall twice. I manage to escape. But the true lesson follows the next 2 days. I was experiencing lack of joy and peace when I entered into His presence, deep sorrow from my soul and even guilt, blaming myself why I did not stand strong. I was depressed, angry towards myself and felt that I was alienated from God. The fear of the departure of the Holy Spirit, as I grieved Him for my sins, seized me that I could not even pray proper a moment.
Yesterday (3 May), when I returned to work, I went to pray as I am used to pray during lunch time. I could not pray. My body was so weak and I am so sleepy that instead I rested my head to rest. Today, 4 May, I actually planned to go to the nearest reservoir to pray but it was hindered because of heavy rain. So I went to a nearby blocks of flat and under the void deck began to utter prayer. However, it was not so smooth sailing as there were many passerby's. I just ignored them and continued to pray. I entered into deep prayer of seeking God’s forgiveness of my sin on 2 May and my emotional turmoil as a result. After a while, I could sense that I was in a sea of a very strong storm and waves that I experienced for the past 2 days. After that, when I began to pray, I felt the peace gradually restored to me. It happened that in the morning, I was doing my online correspondence Bible studies, it was mentioned that God disliked us to be self-righteous, thanking we can please God through our good deeds and good behavior, without actually letting Jesus to be the centre of our life. A thunder struck me. I was becoming more like a Pharisee, hoping through my outward obedience to gain God’s praise and reward. Wrong. There is still uncleanliness and dirt that was entirely cleansed. I thank God for helping me through this tribulation and immediately, I have the strong urge to pen down this to share and to encourage fellow Christians, do not give up, do not lose hope and most important of all, do not deceived by the devil. Humbled ourselves before the Lord, admitted our imperfection, sins and iniquities and asked Him to continue to work and cleanse us. No longer through our own efforts but Jesus as the centre of our life.
I know it would be hard and even embarrass for me to share one of my weakest moment But it will be necessary for me to share without much details to caution brothers and sisters-in Christ the real danger of falling into sins. It is not as simple as say a prayer and repent. More than that. This personal testimony will further emphasize the importance of keeping sins away and be on guard. No matter how big or small sins you committed, it really hurts you spiritually and damaged your walk with God.
It all started on 1 May 2017 when I began to feel unwell. I started to develop sore throat, coughing and began to have physical pain. So I went to a private doctor, which charged much higher than normal days as 1 May is a public holiday. The medical fees I paid caused an argument to occur between my wife and me as she felt that I was willingly cheated by the doctor with the medicines prescribed to me. I felt real down and was angry that I did not ask to be sick. I became angry and even affected my relationship with my daughters. The younger one did not cooperate with me and my wife reminded me of being foolish enough of not calling her and proceeded to pay the hefty sum of medical bills. I lost control of my temper and kicked at the kitchen cabinet’s door to express my frustration.
In the night time while sleeping it seemed that I was engulfed with flame. It burnt and I felt very uncomfortable. Wicked thoughts started to creep into my mind. I struggled to pray. Nothing happened till the next morning. I woke up after my wife sending my 2 daughters to school and resting in the room, I watched a testimony from a sister in Christ from China. I could not pay attention. So when my wife woke up, I told her that I would pray in the room. Instead of praying, wicked thoughts and actions overwhelmed me. I felt totally helpless and felt greatly chained. I could not and not willing to escape. I was unable to pray. My mind went blank. It was very terrible. Can you imagine of the helplessness and in ability to self control yourself?
After that, I felt down for disappointing the Lord and my wife. When my wife went to school to fetch my 2 daughters back school, I was left alone in the house with a tenant. I experienced 2nd spiritual attack so ferociously to push me to commit sin for the 2nd time at the same day. I thank God that I stood up with my fist telling myself I cannot allow myself to fall twice. I manage to escape. But the true lesson follows the next 2 days. I was experiencing lack of joy and peace when I entered into His presence, deep sorrow from my soul and even guilt, blaming myself why I did not stand strong. I was depressed, angry towards myself and felt that I was alienated from God. The fear of the departure of the Holy Spirit, as I grieved Him for my sins, seized me that I could not even pray proper a moment.
Yesterday (3 May), when I returned to work, I went to pray as I am used to pray during lunch time. I could not pray. My body was so weak and I am so sleepy that instead I rested my head to rest. Today, 4 May, I actually planned to go to the nearest reservoir to pray but it was hindered because of heavy rain. So I went to a nearby blocks of flat and under the void deck began to utter prayer. However, it was not so smooth sailing as there were many passerby's. I just ignored them and continued to pray. I entered into deep prayer of seeking God’s forgiveness of my sin on 2 May and my emotional turmoil as a result. After a while, I could sense that I was in a sea of a very strong storm and waves that I experienced for the past 2 days. After that, when I began to pray, I felt the peace gradually restored to me. It happened that in the morning, I was doing my online correspondence Bible studies, it was mentioned that God disliked us to be self-righteous, thanking we can please God through our good deeds and good behavior, without actually letting Jesus to be the centre of our life. A thunder struck me. I was becoming more like a Pharisee, hoping through my outward obedience to gain God’s praise and reward. Wrong. There is still uncleanliness and dirt that was entirely cleansed. I thank God for helping me through this tribulation and immediately, I have the strong urge to pen down this to share and to encourage fellow Christians, do not give up, do not lose hope and most important of all, do not deceived by the devil. Humbled ourselves before the Lord, admitted our imperfection, sins and iniquities and asked Him to continue to work and cleanse us. No longer through our own efforts but Jesus as the centre of our life.
