Never Complaining

[CuriousInIL]

For various reasons, about 2 1/2 years ago I just decided that I would no longer complain about anything that DW did. It has been very helpful in certain things and not so much in others. Anyone else ever do anything similar?

 

[Robinsegg]

I don't do that . . . but I *have* found that looking for things to *thank* hubby for keeps my mind on the positive so that I don't notice the negative as easily
Rachel

 

[DamagedNothing]

I tried that once and it didn't work. I mean...I'm really sorry to say this...my husband does eBay like some people do crack. It's hard on the wallet. (Who blows $50 on a funky foreign instrument they don't even know how to play??)

But in all seriousness, it's a good idea, and I do love my husband even if money bags are flying out of our windows at breakneck speed every time he logs on the computer.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I try very hard to not complain to others about my husband. It has made a difference.

 

[Lee_Lee]

Phil 2: 14-15; Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

* I think as christians we should aim to do everything without complaining (this is way easier to say then do) HOWEVER, this does not mean that you stop communicating about areas in your life that need to change.

IMO you can and should communicate with your partner about areas that are affecting your life. Ignoring something that is bugging you is only going to make it worse. HOWEVER, this does not mean complain about it, it means sit down as adults and talk about the issues and come up with a solution (seeking God, when a solution is hard to find).

-Easy in theory then practice...but then thats the fun of marriage

-God Bless

LeeLee

 

[CuriousInIL]

Ignoring something that is bugging you is only going to make it worse.

I always thought that was true; it is not.

 

[Tuffguy]

This should be the standard and not the exception. We can't nag our spouses,,,it really is unChristian.
How could they not hate us if we do? Everyone hates being raged on.

 

[CuriousInIL]

This should be the standard and not the exception. We can't nag our spouses,,,it really is unChristian.
How could they not hate us if we do? Everyone hates being raged on.

I am talking about more than just not nagging. I am talking about never making any sort of a negative comment about anything at all--no matter how much or little I may internally like what did or didn't happen.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I am talking about more than just not nagging. I am talking about never making any sort of a negative comment about anything at all--no matter how much or little I may internally like what did or didn't happen.

So if she's cheating on you with the milk man you don't say anything and go about your business?

 

[sparassidae]

Phil 2: 14-15; Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

* I think as christians we should aim to do everything without complaining (this is way easier to say then do) HOWEVER, this does not mean that you stop communicating about areas in your life that need to change.

IMO you can and should communicate with your partner about areas that are affecting your life. Ignoring something that is bugging you is only going to make it worse. HOWEVER, this does not mean complain about it, it means sit down as adults and talk about the issues and come up with a solution (seeking God, when a solution is hard to find).

-Easy in theory then practice...but then thats the fun of marriage

-God Bless

LeeLee

Yeah, this describes how I feel about it.

If you had a perfect spouse then I think there would be no need for any "negative comment", but none of us has a perfect spouse (including my DH )

So I think it is important to draw the distinction between nagging, or fighting vs respectfully pointing out that something your other half did was not helpful (or even wrong) and something needs to change.

 

[CuriousInIL]

So if she's cheating on you with the milk man you don't say anything and go about your business?

Well, she has not been so I cannot speak from experience as to how I would react at that very situation, but the idea is, yes, no comment on that either. She does have a non-sexual relationship with a male friend that I do not like, but I have not said anything about that because of my decision not to complain.

Yeah, this describes how I feel about it.

If you had a perfect spouse then I think there would be no need for any "negative comment", but none of us has a perfect spouse (including my DH )

So I think it is important to draw the distinction between nagging, or fighting vs respectfully pointing out that something your other half did was not helpful (or even wrong) and something needs to change.

If I am the only one affected, why would I need to point this out? If she was truly doing WRONG or HURTING SOMEONE ELSE, I probably would point that out; but that has not happened and based on her, I do not suspect it ever will happen.

I have found that acceptance and ignoring things is quite a bit more effective than communication.

 

[Robinsegg]

Sorry, we *need* to be on the same page with our kids . . . so I *do* say negative stuff to hubby. But I also try to focus on the positive as much as possible
R

 

[CuriousInIL]

Sorry, we *need* to be on the same page with our kids . . . so I *do* say negative stuff to hubby. But I also try to focus on the positive as much as possible
R

If his view is not hurting them (which is the standard to me--not just that we disagree), then you can be on the same page by accepting his view and do not need to then say negative things.

 

[Robinsegg]

If his view is not hurting them (which is the standard to me--not just that we disagree), then you can be on the same page by accepting his view and do not need to then say negative things.

Imo, sending conflicting messages *does* harm them. Also, I am the one with the kids most . . . I know what they've been through in the day, how they're feeling, what attitudes they've had. Sometimes, I can look at hubby (w/o kids present) and we talk about how we want to handle something . . . not really in a negative way, but just that we have to be on the same page.
That said, we only very rarely argue, and have never had a huge argument. We just figure things out.
R

 

[CuriousInIL]

Imo, sending conflicting messages *does* harm them. Also, I am the one with the kids most . . . I know what they've been through in the day, how they're feeling, what attitudes they've had. Sometimes, I can look at hubby (w/o kids present) and we talk about how we want to handle something . . . not really in a negative way, but just that we have to be on the same page.

That said, we only very rarely argue, and have never had a huge argument. We just figure things out.
R

I don't think that every conflicting message harms kids, but I am generally on board with that concept and it is clearly your right as a parent to do away with every conflicting message if you think that is best.

Given that you are most often with the kids, it probably makes most sense for him to accept your views then. Still no need for complaining or negative comments or even figuring things out; they just are what they are.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Well, she has not been so I cannot speak from experience as to how I would react at that very situation, but the idea is, yes, no comment on that either. She does have a non-sexual relationship with a male friend that I do not like, but I have not said anything about that because of my decision not to complain.

I have found that acceptance and ignoring things is quite a bit more effective than communication.

If you see weeds starting to grow in your garden you can either pull them out or close your eyes and say, 'There are no weeds. There are no weeds. There are no weeds...' If you do the latter weeds will take over your garden.

Most of the time overlooking minor annoyances is wise. Sometimes it is not. I pray you have the wisdom to know the difference and the courage to act when action is necessary.

 

[heart of peace]

Well, she has not been so I cannot speak from experience as to how I would react at that very situation, but the idea is, yes, no comment on that either. She does have a non-sexual relationship with a male friend that I do not like, but I have not said anything about that because of my decision not to complain.

If I am the only one affected, why would I need to point this out? If she was truly doing WRONG or HURTING SOMEONE ELSE, I probably would point that out; but that has not happened and based on her, I do not suspect it ever will happen.

I have found that acceptance and ignoring things is quite a bit more effective than communication.

Since when is complaining and constructive criticism (which can be deemed by some as negative talk) the same thing? I am so very grateful that my husband will lovingly advise me when he sees me acting in a way that is not edifying God. I also reflect on myself daily and acknowledge what I did that I feel I should do more of and what I did that I should do less of.

It sounds like you don't care if there is crap around as long as it smells and looks like roses, you're cool. I may be misunderstanding this but that is how I take "acceptance and ignoring things". I would suggest you learn to compassionately communicate.

If you see weeds starting to grow in your garden you can either pull them out or close your eyes and say, 'There are no weeds. There are no weeds. There are no weeds...' If you do the latter weeds will take over your garden.

Most of the time overlooking minor annoyances is wise. Sometimes it is not. I pray you have the wisdom to know the difference and the courage to act when action is necessary.

I second your prayer

 

[poohgirl]

May I ask why you decided to never complain anymore?

I think there are two sides to it. One side is that it's great to be positive and keep negative comments down. It may keep conflict low and be easier to have peace in the home.

The flip side to never complaining is that one could lose their voice and actually become in a way dishonest by never speaking truthfully about things. Overtime one could find themselves feeling resentful or angry with their spouse for soley internalizing everything rather than being open and honest.

Most of us could do better at not complaining or criticizing our spouse, but taking it to the extreme can lead to bigger concerns in the long run.

How does a marriage grow without communicating with one another?

 

[CuriousInIL]

Since when is complaining and constructive criticism (which can be deemed by some as negative talk) the same thing? I am so very grateful that my husband will lovingly advise me when he sees me acting in a way that is not edifying God. I also reflect on myself daily and acknowledge what I did that I feel I should do more of and what I did that I should do less of.

It sounds like you don't care if there is crap around as long as it smells and looks like roses, you're cool. I may be misunderstanding this but that is how I take "acceptance and ignoring things". I would suggest you learn to compassionately communicate.



I second your prayer

IMO communication is way overrated. Also, I don't see my DW doing things that are not edifying God. However, certain of the things she does or doesn't do used to drive me crazy and result in me complaining. No one but me was negatively affected by her behavior and I now believe that complaining about it affected me (and her) even more negatively.

May I ask why you decided to never complain anymore?

I think there are two sides to it. One side is that it's great to be positive and keep negative comments down. It may keep conflict low and be easier to have peace in the home.

The flip side to never complaining is that one could lose their voice and actually become in a way dishonest by never speaking truthfully about things. Overtime one could find themselves feeling resentful or angry with their spouse for soley internalizing everything rather than being open and honest.

Most of us could do better at not complaining or criticizing our spouse, but taking it to the extreme can lead to bigger concerns in the long run.

How does a marriage grow without communicating with one another?

It grows by acceptance of the other.

Rather than resentment and anger, it fosters in me a greater sense of acceptance so that now, truthfully, I even like things that I didn't before simply because I tolerated them for a period. they have now passed into the like category--sort of like vegetables.

The primary reason that I decided to act this way is that my mother lives with us and, as folks are want to do, she got older and requires more and more effort and attention every day including medical sorts of attention that DW never signed up for. And, DW is her primary care giver because I work long hours and because the female-female interaction is less embarrassing to both me and my mother. As a small compensation for those efforts, I stopped complaining to make the rest of life a bit easier.

 

[CuriousInIL]

Perhaps a better way to state what I am talking about is to say that I have transformed (or am trying to transform) my attitude about nearly everything from "How do I get what I want?" to "I want what I have."