Never again a short story (please comment i would like opinions !)

[cassie121]

I walked into the house silently hoping to slip into my bedroom unnoticed. Than I hear my mother's cool voice

"Cassie it's nearly 11 where were you?"
"Just hanging out at shelby's "
"well fine but never do it again . Your to be home by 9"
"I'll never do it again"

I rush into the classroom
My face hardens and turns to granite as i see the word "TEST" across the board.
What could I do?
I look over to the genious's paper. I get 100% The next day I get called up to the teacher's desk.
"Cassie I know you cheated"
" I'm sorry"
"well never do it again"
"I'll never do it again"

I take a puff. It was just a little pot what harm could it do? I walk home clearly not in a situation to go anywhere.

"Cassie , Cassie what's wrong are you sick?"
"huh no i'm fine"
I walk up to my bed. Later that night my mom finds the drugs in my pockets

"Cassie I better never find drugs anywhere near you again"

"I promise you never will"

I sit down in the driver's seat. Nearly falling over. I look for the keys but my vision is too blary to see. Where are they? I finally find them under the seat. I think "what do I do now?" Suddenly I remember . I start the engine. I shift into drive. I go onto the exit directly to the main street by my house. Suddenly I forget what's going on. I lose control. Slowly I wake up with a horrible pain. I look around. "What's what's going on?"

"Cassie you were in a car accident"
"What? Was the idiot drunk"
"Yes she was?"
"Did you get he licence plate number?"
"I didn't need to"
"WHAT?!"
"Cassie if you want the number so bad copy it off the back of your car"
"what? huh?"
"Cassie you were drunk, you lost control you will never walk again"
"what? never walk again?"
"never"

I burst into tears. My face redens and is near as hot as the sidewalk on a july afternoon.

"Consider yourself lucky"
"why?"
"The other peopel will never live to see another day"

 

[Tariel]

I walked into the house silently hoping to slip into my bedroom unnoticed. Than I hear my mother's cool voice

"Cassie it's nearly 11 where were you?"
"Just hanging out at shelby's "
"well fine but never do it again . Your to be home by 9"
"I'll never do it again"

I rush into the classroom
My face hardens and turns to granite as i see the word "TEST" across the board.
What could I do?
I look over to the genious's paper. I get 100% The next day I get called up to the teacher's desk.
"Cassie I know you cheated"
" I'm sorry"
"well never do it again"
"I'll never do it again"

I take a puff. It was just a little pot what harm could it do? I walk home clearly not in a situation to go anywhere.

"Cassie , Cassie what's wrong are you sick?"
"huh no i'm fine"
I walk up to my bed. Later that night my mom finds the drugs in my pockets

"Cassie I better never find drugs anywhere near you again"

"I promise you never will"

I sit down in the driver's seat. Nearly falling over. I look for the keys but my vision is too blary to see. Where are they? I finally find them under the seat. I think "what do I do now?" Suddenly I remember . I start the engine. I shift into drive. I go onto the exit directly to the main street by my house. Suddenly I forget what's going on. I lose control. Slowly I wake up with a horrible pain. I look around. "What's what's going on?"

"Cassie you were in a car accident"
"What? Was the idiot drunk"
"Yes she was?"
"Did you get he licence plate number?"
"I didn't need to"
"WHAT?!"
"Cassie if you want the number so bad copy it off the back of your car"
"what? huh?"
"Cassie you were drunk, you lost control you will never walk again"
"what? never walk again?"
"never"

I burst into tears. My face redens and is near as hot as the sidewalk on a july afternoon.

"Consider yourself lucky"
"why?"
"The other peopel will never live to see another day"

disjointed, but I like it. It sounds like it was meant to be that way. Spelling and grammer need work--I'm not going to correct everything, but there's a bit.

 

[Lessien]

Not bad. But there are a few things that need work. Please don't take this the wrong way; I'm not trying to be mean.

First of all, use capitals and proper punctuation. You can write the Great American Novel, but if you don't use good punctuation, then people will dismiss it as some kid trying to write. Sad, but true.

Second, try and make the transitions from scene to scene smoother. I know that in movies, this doesn't really matter, but in writing, try and use good transitions. Maybe describe where she is?

Also, Cassie seems a bit hard to relate to. Show us her thoughts. What is she thinking when her mom finds the drugs? When she promises her mom she won't find them again, is she sincere? Is Cassie apathetic about her grades or does she want to be at the top of her class? Is she into sports, or does she think they're dumb?

The list goes on and on.

 

[Tariel]

Not bad. But there are a few things that need work. Please don't take this the wrong way; I'm not trying to be mean.

First of all, use capitals and proper punctuation. You can write the Great American Novel, but if you don't use good punctuation, then people will dismiss it as some kid trying to write. Sad, but true.

Second, try and make the transitions from scene to scene smoother. I know that in movies, this doesn't really matter, but in writing, try and use good transitions. Maybe describe where she is?

Also, Cassie seems a bit hard to relate to. Show us her thoughts. What is she thinking when her mom finds the drugs? When she promises her mom she won't find them again, is she sincere? Is Cassie apathetic about her grades or does she want to be at the top of her class? Is she into sports, or does she think they're dumb?

The list goes on and on.

Thanks Lessien :thumsbup: seriously, I think you must be able to read my mind and post whatever I want to say--after the amount of sleep I've had lately though...I'm not very coherrent

Yes, Lessien's right You've got a good backbone here, but flesh it out.

 

[puttytat190]

your character doesn't have a personality.She seems like she lives to be naught ,and make promises.Yes,characters can make promises,ver normal in fact.Does she have any friends.Does she have a history of getting in trouble? does,she like her mum?There are probably other questions that would helpyou ,but I can't think of them now.You have fairly good plot line though.