negative memories of a loved one

[Serenity Now!]

I'm in so much grief and pain right now. I really need advice, prayers or support.

How do you deal with negative memories a loved one leaves behind? The last few years of my father's life were not good. He said mean things, he married a spiteful wife who hated all of his children. He never stuck up for us. He was a drunk. He was embarassing. There's so many things I have to let go of....

How do I let go? I loved him, and yet it was a relief when he died. He left such a mess for us all to deal with. It's so hard not to be angry with him. It's so difficult to grieve the 2 people he was-- the mean drunk and the loving pastor he used to be. How do I move on and forgive? Every time I think of him it's only the last few years of his life that I remember because they were so painful.

Please Lord, Help me. Give me peace about this.

 

[Pinkwaterlily]

Hello, I'm so sorry for the pain you still feel. It's hard to let go of the pain and anger. I still feel the loss of my late husband, it's been three years. It's not easy to forgive either. But with prayer, close friends and family, maybe writing feelings down in a journal, even taking long walks by oneself can help lift the heart. I'm working on my heart. I hope you keep working on yours, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care

 

[pegatha]

II loved him, and yet it was a relief when he died. He left such a mess for us all to deal with. It's so hard not to be angry with him.

For me, part of the answer lies in accepting the fact that I am angry at the one who has passed on. Forgiveness isn't the same as pretending that we're not hurt or that the affront wasn't really all that bad. We need to forgive precisely because it really was that bad. In fact, it was only after a few wise people allowed me to describe the hurtful things, and then validated my anger, that I was able to move on to forgiveness. I still struggle, because forgivness seems to be a three-steps-forward, two-steps-back type of process, rather than a once-for-all event. What has never worked for me is to ask God to simply remove my anger (although I believe He could if He chose to) or to try to squash it down and deny it. The older I get, the more certain I am that I need to face unpleasant realities head on and admit (to God, to myself, and to others) how I really feel. Perhaps some of this will also speak to your situation.

 

[BeanMak]

I was going to say exactly what pegatha wrote. Accept that you ARE angry, you have good cause to be angry, you are entitled to be angry. Ask for God's grace to help release some of that anger. Your dad will never be able to ask for your forgiveness, but you can still get to the place of forgiving him, and yourself.

 

[Velcro]

Serenity, at least you are feeling something! Be glad. Feeling nothing, when the parents die, is confusing. I know.

Bless you!

 

[PromiseSeeker]

Praying over your grief and pain....... God bless.

 

[perfection]

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES,

BLESS those who curse you, DO GOOD to those you hate you, and

PRAY for those who despitefully use you, and persecute you

THAT YOU MAY BE THE CHILDREN OF YOUR FATHER WHO IS IN HEAVEN



(Matthew 5:44-45).

This is so important now in your life. It's vital that you love your father unconditionally, it's part of what makes us Christian. Only thru love can we achieve this , and we need to be able to forgive your father and all the horrible things he has done upon you.

He simply was unaware and spitefull in his last years. And what you say is true.
If you had a great holliday and on the last day it rains , you will only remember the bad day with rain.

But try to look on it on an average perspective, if you can count up all the good things up verses all the bad things, surely the good things outweight the bad, it is that in this light and this perspective you can find healing towards who your father really was as you wanted him to be.

We all fall or move away from the path of god like lost sheep every now an then. It is God who acts like a shepard to bring us back to him again. I feel your father is still alive somewhere and most likely is very sorry for what he did, and will make up to you whatever he once did to you. And that he encourages you to move on with your life, to believe in God and for you to try to see him as the good father he once was for you. And that he loves you a loooooooooot. More then you can ever imagine, and that he would never wanted to do all of these horrible things to you, and if he had the chance he would do it all over, and never would get himself involved into doing things that would even hurt you the slightest.

 

[devoted daughter]

It's only natural to be angry, it's part of the process of grief.

Emotions that shift back and forth and one can feel terribly overwhelmed.

The psychological steps of grieving applies to us all, and there are 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It isn’t as though you complete one step and then move to the next. In time there can be shifts between each until there is real acceptance. But even after one reaches the point of acceptance in time, some of those old feelings come back; it’s just that in time they are less in severity and frequency.

The point is that you needn’t go through it alone. Try to be patient with yourself, and as you live your life, make time to work out your feelings. Feeling your emotions as they come is healthy. Through grieving in my past, when I felt angry, but I had work to do, I’d concentrate on my work, and know that when I got home I would get into what I was feeling. Journaling is another tool. Write your feelings down, or write letters to her, what ever you’re thinking just to pour it out. “Swallowing’ you emotions will only delay your healing and cause you more suffering, and through time you will see your progress as you reflect on old entries. Make this healing process a priority, and keep in check with your mental health. If you feel the need, go to a doctor for assistance.

Ask for prayers if you feel prompted. Lean on others, and on the Lord for strength, and do things to empower and comfort yourself. Plan some uninterrupted ‘me time’ to be good to yourself, and to do some grief work, even if it’s only renting a movie that you know will make you cry, and when you do cry, let it all out; pound on a pillow if it helps. Tears produced from irritants, like onions, are chemically different in components than tears from sadness. Tears from irritants cleanse your eyes, while tears from emotions actually release toxins. Remember that there is no shame in what you feel, or in reaching out for help. Try to do whatever you need to do for yourself that is healthy, and don’t neglect your physical needs, just like you wouldn’t want to neglect your emotional needs. Eat healthy; rest well; take a multi-vitamin; exercise. Good health and healing requires a balance of the spiritual, physical and emotional.

May the Lord be with you and give you strength and guidance; may you have comfort and clarity as you process events, and come to a place of peace, forgiveness and understanding; may you be lifted from sadness, and have patience through the process; may many people of support be guided to your path; may you have courage and peace. INJC

 

[Serenity Now!]

I still struggle, because forgivness seems to be a three-steps-forward, two-steps-back type of process, rather than a once-for-all event.

Thank you all for the responses. Pegatha, this is exactly how I feel. I feel like I do make progress, and then something happens and it all erupts in my face again and it seems like such a long journey. I'm grateful to know that there are others who have faced this challenge. Thank you.