Needs some advice and encouragment

[KTskater]

Okay well I have talked with anyone about this for a while but I think it's high time I did.
I'm stuggling with homosexuality/bisexuality...I dunno really. But I thought I had my motives straight (funny word that is), but in the last few weeks I've started to become more accepting of my..er...gayness.
I dunno I had my mind made up to change, and I was starting to God's presense more often. Infact I even started to feel straight, I had no thoughts about other girls for two weeks. So I thought I could start doing some of the stuff I used to do: working my book, playing video games, skatebarding...but of course still making sure I kept my focus on God, making sure I kept readng the Bible, tithing and praying... but somehow I got off that.

In the last couple days I've just feel like giving in, can anyone give me some advice on what I should do... Fighting it not only wears me out mentally and spiritually but physicly also. I'm constantly tense, and I have prolems shaking during the day becasue I'm so tense .
I'm just not sure to do...

 

[KTskater]

to: Johnnz
I wasn't quite sure what you ment...anyway.

Well, I think one of reasons I may feel this way is from when I was very young I want to be boy so bad. And this was made worse when my family moved to Texas when I was 8, all my friends were boys and hurt very bad when they wouldn't play with me because I was girl or had "cooties". My friend Zach's older brother used to say that there was a picture of me in the dictionary next to "tomboy". I know now many people used it as deragtory term, but I was proud of being a tomboy. But what I cannot phathom is why these feelings surfaced now. Becase when I was 9 I had a huge crush on a guy named Alfonso from my karate class, I suppose he could have been called every girls dream, he was tanned, muscular and alway nice to me in any chance he got. But he had girlfriends constantly, and I was very jealous of them. I remember one demo (I was on the karate demo and we would going aorund San Antonio andperform demonstrantions) when we were playing games in Peter Pipper Pizza him and his current girlfriend Sara started making out right in front of me. I was sure he would never love me so I hide my feelings as best as could be expected while staring at him from across the room. I like him for almost 3 years.

The summer after I turned 11 I met a boy named Adam whom I fell for very quickly and soon discovered that he liked me back. We had a small realationship, but that was torn apart when my parents moved me and my brothers back to the midwest. 900 miles from everything I knew and loved. I called Adam on the phone as well as my best friends Zach and Corey. We talked about skateboarding (a new obbsession we had developed) and video games and Zac hwould talk about stupid things Corey had jumpped off of.

But I was very depressed at losing my friends and possible boyfriend, it was spirit crushing that on top of that I had a band going also. I have always a deep passion for music.

I contemplated suicide alot, it was constantly on my mind. I hurt to much to live. I remember one night I was actually in my bathroom with a knife. But thank God I didn't do it. But I think the real problems started when I discovered my hero Benji Madden of Good Charlotte (that's a band incase no one knows) was bisexual. that was a punch in the face. Because homosexuality always seemed so far away from me.

Then I realized I didn't have feelings for Adam anymore (took me a year and a half of not seeing him at all), I got back with God and I thought everything was gonna be okay... but that very night that I asked God to forgive me I started hearing voices in my sleep saying stuff like "your gay", and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I think it could have been the enemy but I dunno. I hope this can help you help me.

 

[justreading]

KTSkater, first I just want to congratulate you on your strength and wisdom for spending the time to post your struggles here....you being here means you have seeked counsel from fellow believers and that is a wonderful thing...keep that up!!!

I was 14 when I had my first "fear experience" that I might be gay. Previously I had never thought I was gay or had any problems being around guys. But ever since then I have struggled with the "voices" or just weird feelings around other dudes. Some people can heal from this with just them and God...how they do it I don't understand. But most people who suffer from insecurities about their sexuality need counseling, small groups who can act as accountability partners, and a loving church family (not a just go to church on Sunday kinda thing). My point is that this might just be a hormonal thing and might just go away, especially when you meet a boy you really like. Or this might be a life long struggle and it will be YOUR CHOICE how to proceed with that. I pray you will never give into your feelings or insecurities b/c it will ALWAYS be harder to go back to a straight lifestyle. I also pray that you talk to your youth pastor AND pastor about this in confidentiality (and your parents too if they are true believers) and try and find a counselor and a Christian support group. The counselor and Christian are essential to healing, at least from my experience. Having "voices" tell you things you don't want to hear is a sign of depression so you also might want to look into that...that's a touchy subject with someone your age but you should always check things out and see a CHRISTIAN psychiatrist. I wish you all the best in your journey and may the LIVING LORD JESUS CHRIST be with you all of the way!!!

God Bless you little girl!

 

[Johnnz]

Hi,

you have been given some good advice. There are several reasons why we can be a bit confused about our sexuality in the early teenage years which can be worked through OK. You obviously have been deeply hurt, and that will have affected you.

The fact that have been attracted to guys suggests that issues other than your being homosexual are involved.

Some music and youth culture is not spiritually healthy, and can impart an influence over your life too.

I am happy to answer any direct questions, either here or by PM.

John
NZ

 

[chilibowl]

Wow I must be totally out of touch... I just got that you were 13?? Wow! You have so much potential: the way you write, how you structured your story, The insight you have with your feelings and the way you put them to print...every thing flowed so nicely! I'm nearly 20 years older than you and I still have trouble with which "There" to use..
But in that I think lies your problem. You are aware of so many different aspects of your life it's all too much... your life experience hasn't caught up to your awareness level... Nothing wrong with that, It should reemedy itself as you get older, and if you keep your focus on God. Right now though I think it would be a good Idea for you to get with your youth minister? or perferably his wife for support or at least direction.. You mentioned "Hearing the enemy" Young sister I can tell you it wasn't Jesus whispering to you. He "The evil one" hopes or should I say tries to separate you through feelings of shame or embarrassment, and then he bombards you with messages like "your Gay" or shows you that your favorite band is Bi. then you'll typically begin to fall into that lie as the rest of our society has.. That's why it's important to seek help with your "Feelings" right now.. Don't be embarrassed.. but at the same time don't be deceived, your "Friends and family" may have a hard time receiving this from you. So plan wisely "A gift firmly in your grasp" to whom you can confide.. but above all else Do not do this alone!! GET A WARM BODIED WISE CHRISTIAN IN FRONT OF YOU! Don't take this the wrong way, This forum was a good start, but your journey has many more steps in front of it!
My heart and prayers are out to you and thoses who trully suffer..

~Good luck and God bless

 

[KTskater]

^^^
LOL, thanks. Everyone says I'm a great writer, I'm not so sure about that though...

I think you do have a really good point though. Maybe my insight came from always hanging out with older kids. Or maybe my song writing. I dunno. But I never thought about it that way.
I've thought about talking with my youth pastor (he's not married though), I recently talked to him about being baptized. It's just I always seem to be doing great whenever I see him (Sundays, Wendsdays and Fridays usually), so I brush it off. But the days I feel like giving in I never get a chance.
It's like the "feelings" fluctuate for the worst time. And it gets real annoying...

Thanks for repling, for while no one did; and I was gonna try to go it alone again.

 

[chilibowl]

Getting help when your feeling well is the best time to get it, because you can think and apply advise where as, you might be hindered when your in serious need, and can't see past your own problems. So I encourage you to get help next chance you get, and if your youth pastor can help you right away then ask him to find someone who can, Don't let this go! cause the "Evil one" won't, especially if he has a foot hold in your life like this one, he may remain silent for a little while, but he's always there!
God bless

 

[bliz]

KTSkater -

Please don't be so quick to lable yourself homo or bi sexual.

I am writing this as a former Tomboy who grew up to be a wife and mom. I also wanted to be a boy when I was young - I liked to do the things boys did much more than what girls were permitted to do! And my brothers had a great deal more freedom thatn I did... being a boy seemed like the ideal choice! At the time! Being a Tomboy, or not being a Tomboy, does not indicate anything about your sexuality.

Our sexual identity can easily be confused or blurred when we are growing up, and I think even more so these days, with our hypersexual culture where sex is the topic of conversation everywhere we turn. Appropriate emotions toward those of our own gender can be confused for sexual attraction in a hypersexual enviroment.

You are still very young. AS hard as it is, just back off and give yourself some time to mature and become more familiar with who you are and what you are feeling. It think it is very signifigant that your earliest crushes were on guys. While hetrosexual young people can and do have crushes on members of the same gender sometimes, those earliest attachements are very telling because they often occour before we think we are ready for them.