Needing to get it out!

[Donnabing]

I just need to get this out of my system.

My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. Mostly the topic is about how much I mess up, I am disrespectful to him, or I slow him down. I know I have problems with admiting I am wrong, adn that is what happens most of the time. He gets extremely angry when I don't apologize right away for doing something that made him upset...and sometimes I don't want to! Yes, that his not a Christ-like attitude to have. I think sometimes I want to make him mad because he makes me so mad. I feel like he picks on me a lot and never makes me feel good about myself...mostly just bad. There are SO many things he does that I hold my tongue and not say..but he never tries to let things go. He has a point to make me know how much of a screw up I really am. And he is sometimes out of hand with his words...and they hurt. This is the second day in a row that we got in a fight before work/school...and it ruins the whole day. I am sick of it. I feel like every day he waits for me to stumble, or he gives me no chance to try and change. It makes me so enfuriated!! Sometimes I just want to smack him...but I know in my heart that I love him more than anyone or anything (besides my savior). What is causing this to happen? And why won't he leave me alone?!

 

[Ringu]

I just need to get this out of my system.

My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. ...............What is causing this to happen? And why won't he leave me alone?!

Hey, I think I know you. Aren't you my wife?

Kidding. It just sounds so familiar!

 

[Southern Cross]

Definitely go for counseling.

And maybe do things seperately for a weekend once in a while. He sounds like a lot of guys out there, including me 10 years ago (I still deal with it). Men were born with an adventerous spirit, and they want to get out and explore the world and make something of themselves. Sometimes they see their marriages and their wives as holding them back rather than the true blessing they really are. Getting some down time away from it all can really help a guy understand himself and get closer to God. That's why I'm taking my boys camping by the beach next week on the beach. After they're asleep, I can think forever and work things out in my head.

I'm going to take a wild guess here. I might be wrong. This guy has dreams for his life that are not being fulfilled. Or maybe he doesn't know what his dreams are, but he still feels restless. If he's blinded by this, and the typical stress anyone faces while working in today's world, you are about the only place he can vent, and he's not doing it in a good way. A guy can really screw up and start picking apart their wife because they're blaming them for their own inability to live the life he wants to live. He would take you along on that ride if he could see that you are his biggest asset, but a lot of men don't look at their wives this way. I know I didn't, and it's hurt my marriage trmenedously over the years. That's another story.

And believe me, that statement goes both ways. Wives do it to their husbands as well. One of the best things you can do is support him and kill him with kindness and love. Starting today. It'll take time, but he'd be a fool not to see it and reciprocate eventually.

Ok, I'm kinda new on CF and I've got my own marriage problems I'm dealing with. But one more idea. If you guys are Christians, get him hooked up with two or three mature Christain guys (in addtion to counseling). Arrange a weekend camping trip or even just a night out for them. Sometimes just getting away starts a process inside a guy that makes him realize that the life he wants is not an impossibility if it's God's will, but he's definitely going down the wrong road to get there.

Gee whiz, one more thing. Some guys automatically cringe when they hear the word "counseling". I know I did, and I was the one pushing for it! It's like one more thing that he's failing at and he needs to fix. Or it's like a root canal job (I hear they stink pretty bad). Counseling can also be looked at as a marriage tune up, and it can be fun and refreshing if you get the right counselor. It's not anything near as painful as everyone makes it out to be unless your marriage is in really big trouble.

A great book for the both of you to read is "Wild At Heart" by John Eldridge. That book is like a roadmap to the way a man works. It's only like $10 at Wally Mart. But it speaks to men about how they should treat their wives too. Put it under his pillow or in the throne room in place of the SI magazines.

 

[bliz]

Would you care to give us an example or two of the kinds of things you "screw up" and in what ways you slow him down and the kinds of things he says when he is "out of hand with his words"? I mean, are we talking about burning down the house or forgetting to refill the ice cube tray?

 

[InTheFlame]

Donna - *hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg*

You sound so sad

I think the marriage counselling is a great idea. Go by yourself if your husband won't. Money is tight with you guys, right? You should be able to find a counsellor who'll help you out for a low cost or maybe free.

I get the distinct impression that you've both got conflicting expectations warring together... and/or you're both having a rough time at the moment and expressing it in ways that're pushing the other's buttons. It's so hard to know exactly what's going on for you two, and what to recommend - that's why a counsellor would be a good idea.

Ummm... apart from LOTS OF PRAYER for each other (and I mean, 'God, bless him and heal his hurts' kind of prayer not 'God, help him see how much he's hurting me by...' prayer!), the only other thing I'd recommend is doing some reading... I seem to remember that you're studying at the moment, but hopefully you can fit it in. See if you can find Boundaries (Drs Cloud and Townsend) - your local library might even have it. Fit To Be Tied (don't remember the authors) might really help you out too. Also Five Love Languages (Chapman) BUT if you read this book, make sure you do it (at this stage) ONLY to work out what you can do daily to help your husband feel more loved. Don't even try, at this stage, to get your husband doing things to get you feeling more loved. I know that sounds kinda harsh, but it sounds as though the rest of the relationship needs work before you work on that... does that make sense?

Getting and maintaining a healthy relationship is a lot of hard work. I find the work on myself is the hardest - stuff like not yelling at my husband when he irritates me, and not only biting back the yelling but working out how to approach talking to him about it when I've calmed down. Sometimes it seems much easier to ignore it or just keep swallowing angry words, but I know from experience that that never actually SOLVES the problem, it just keeps getting worse. And yelling wounds the relationship *sigh*

Anyway, I hope you can get something useful out of the ramblings God bless.

 

[Donnabing]

Oh you guys are all so awesome. Thank you so much for your <<HUGGS>> and prayers and encouragement . I have some good news to report. I wrote a letter to Eric (so I wouldn't be interrupted) and told him how I was really feeling. I made sure not to criticize him back, but I used scripture to show him that he is required to love me and not just for me to submit. Well, we didn't see eachother most of the day, and I had a pretty rough day at work/school. I came home and there was a note on the door....well, Eric had suprised me with a little "treasure hunt" of sweet words of love and encouragement about what he loves about me, and he washed all the laundry AND cooked dinner. He told me he realizes how much he messes up and takes out his anger on me, and he said he was deeply sorry. We had not been intimate for over a week (a long time for us *we are newlyweds) and last night he initiated a very wonderful night. Thank you guys so much for praying for us. We are looking into counseling with annother christian couple we know. I am suprised at how quickly things got resolved, God is so good. Everything is not perfect, but we are on our way!

 

[alaskamolly]

Wow!

Sounds like you guys are on the right track!

Personally, I think sometimes it takes a little time to adjust to marraige roles. I mean, you spend your life as a single pretty much selfish...you know, no one to be accountable to, you only have to serve someone if you WANT to, etc... and then you get married and all of a sudden have this PARTNER, and are thrust into situations that require service 24/7 when you'd rather try and escape them (except that now you're married--you CAN'T escape them very easily!), etc...

I know that my husband and I had a lot of selfishness and role-misconceptions worked out of us in our first few years of being wed. I'm sure we'll look back 15 years from now and say the same thing about now , but all I know now is that "we've come a long way, baby!"

It was God, no doubt about it, but it was also our willingness to work with God. That's a big factor many people leave out--they pray for God to fix stuff, but then when He shows them the direction to walk, they sit there and expect a miracle will magic-carpet-ride them over the steep mountain and up to the "seat of glory"...and then get whiney and pouty because God never provided the magic carpet.

WRONG. Walking through the HARD THINGS, walking through the cross (the place where you actively choose to die to self and live for Him) is the best thing that can happen to us, and the best thing for our marraige. He is a GOOD GOD to ask us to walk through that place, miserable and painful that it is, and He is a GOOD Father for refusing to provide a magic carpet, though we may cry out to Him for one over and over again.

The times I have had to walk through that death have then produced the most beautiful times in our marriage. It is only when I throw my cross down and demand my own life back that I watch my relationships wither.

Anyways, I don't know why I got off on that ramble. ...And now, my children's playtime is done, which means my "mommy break-time" is done. It's back to work for me! Time to make play-clay for a project...always a popular homeschooling hit!

To sum it all up, I guess I was just trying to say:
The work is worth it.
I promise.



Ok, back to the Real World!
Thanks for sharing your wonderful news!
Blessings,
Molly

 

[InTheFlame]

Donna - great to hear Sounds like you're starting to clear things. Don't forget to talk about how each of you should deal with the other when things get tough - eg if he's had an ultra-rough day and yells at you, what will work best for you to do... a codeword (for 'ow this is hurting me'), a hug, leaving the room, whatever ...

*huggggggggg* God bless you both.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

You just have to go to the library or on ebay and get this book. It is by a feminist non-Christian perspective, but it is just so great. She realized Biblical principals and has a way with words.

The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

She has a great marriage now. My marriage is tons better than it used to be, because of me practicing things like are in this book. God can help you too. You can not change your husband, but you can change your marriage!!!

 

[Melbelle]

Oh you guys are all so awesome. Thank you so much for your <<HUGGS>> and prayers and encouragement . I have some good news to report. I wrote a letter to Eric (so I wouldn't be interrupted) and told him how I was really feeling. I made sure not to criticize him back, but I used scripture to show him that he is required to love me and not just for me to submit. Well, we didn't see eachother most of the day, and I had a pretty rough day at work/school. I came home and there was a note on the door....well, Eric had suprised me with a little "treasure hunt" of sweet words of love and encouragement about what he loves about me, and he washed all the laundry AND cooked dinner. He told me he realizes how much he messes up and takes out his anger on me, and he said he was deeply sorry. We had not been intimate for over a week (a long time for us *we are newlyweds) and last night he initiated a very wonderful night. Thank you guys so much for praying for us. We are looking into counseling with annother christian couple we know. I am suprised at how quickly things got resolved, God is so good. Everything is not perfect, but we are on our way!

I just had to say thanks for sharing that, It brought tears to my eyes and gave me hope for my marridge thanks so much. I'm your shoes in your first post and I know how that feels and there is alot of confussion and this just gave me some serious hope for my marridge thanks.

Melissa