needing some advice

[mamawolf]

me and my husband have recently reconciled and he has moved into my house well i am having problems adjusting to him moving things around i have ocd pretty bad when it comes to the kitchen. it is currently 445 am here and well hes in bed im up cleanign the house that him and the kids trashed after i fell asleep from a dose of benedryl because i got stung by a bee on my nose that flew in the car window (i have a slight allergy to bees) him and i watched a movie then he went to bed im very upset i mean the house has been a mess i mean an unsafe mess since he moved in a nd all i hear from him is im working on it and all i see is i clean up the house and him an d the kids go and trash it right behind me. i feel my being upset is justifiable.... i have tried to talk to him about it time after time and all i get is "im sorry" or "iom working on it" its either plants on the patio hes messing with or wiring his prayer alter he has set up. sorry those things are not prioity when it comes to making our home a safe comfortable place for our children. am i worng on being upset with what is going on? how can i handle this better?

 

[Avniel]

I think your mad for other reasons

 

[mamawolf]

i have no other reason to be angry except that my comfort is being shaken i am laying at Gods feet as of now

 

[Jhail83]

Definitely let him know it makes you angry, but do it constructively. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Like " I feel upset and unappreciated when you don't help out around the house." as opposed to "You make me angry etc...". You have every right to feel comfortable in your own home.

I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Also have you read the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? You may actually be feeling unloved by his lack of response to your request. For instance, with me words of affirmation make me feel more loved than anything. On the flipside, a cutting remark from my wife can really hurt badly. When we receive love the way we want to be loved, we also reciprocate it better as well.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Agreed with the above posters.

It comes to mind of try to let some of this go, at least for a few weeks/months as you both get adjusted to living together. Pray about letting go of high expectations and try to instead focus on the positives. I don't mean to downplay what you are going through- I know it's very real and upsetting to you. I'd feel the same.

Be careful to pick battles, especially in this new life together. Keep note of not bringing it up so much- I think if men feel like they are being nagged, they feel disrespected and may shut down quickly. I wonder if you keep bringing it up to him he may hear, "I'm not good enough." He may withdraw and it may get worse. It could quickly turn into a cycle- wife nags, husband feels disrespected and shut down. Wife feels hurt he's not working on it and nag more. Husband further withdraws.

If he is working on it, be quick to praise him, even if you notice just a little difference in how he keeps the house. It may give him energy to keep trying and feel more respected. He's stated he's trying- trust him.

Men need unconditional respect as much as women need unconditional love.

Try to keep positive thoughts going- I remember a while ago how happy you were he was coming home... keep this in mind. Don't take him for granted. A wise woman told me, if he keeps piles of his clothes on the floor, be happy they're not at another woman's house or at a hotel.

I don't want to tell you what to do. Forgive me if I have disrespected you in any way. It came to mind as I read your post.

God may be using this situation with your husband to refine YOU, as God will do in marriage. Try to work on your attitude instead of trying to change him.

If I may be so bold as to say, don't bring up the dirty house topic to him for a week. It will be incredibly difficult not to talk about it, I know. See what happens.

LovedSparrow