Needing Some Advice...

[KingCrimson250]

Hey everyone.

A few years ago, when I was in high school, I had a lot of issues with depression. I knew other people who struggled with depression but I felt alienated from them, I couldn't really relate with what they went through totally. They would often talk about feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and fighting against a "downward spiral of negative thoughts," while for me it was totally different. Sure I had negative thoughts about myself, but for me depression was more of an inescapable morass - not negative thoughts so much as not thinking at all, my mind was just numb. There was no gradual downward spiral for me, no slippery slope, for me depression came fast and hard and was more like a tidal wave that just crashed down on and washed over my brain. I also struggled with hallucinations, memory issues, insomnia, and night terrors, most of which were things that people I know with depression couldn't really relate to. I talked to my doctor about it and she said it sounded like it could be hinting at bipolar and to investigate that.

Anyway, after about a year and a half of depression it let up (so about two years ago it ended). They still aren't really sure if I'm bipolar, the problem being that I haven't really been through a certifiable manic episode yet (I've had symptoms of mania but usually only lasting for a couple of days at a time), so the jury's still out. The thing is though that for the last year I've had a lot of issues with derealization. I'll often have sensations of not actually being where I am, of everything being a dream, of my actions not really having consequences, and lots of jamais-vu, which can be pretty distressing. My marks dropped as a result and I talked to the doctor about it. She said that this was also something that was sometimes caused by bipolar and that if I liked I could do a two-three month trial run on lithium to see if it made a difference at all.

So I thought I would ask on this forum, is that something that would be worth exploring, the lithium? Also, if you have issues with derealization, how do you deal with it?

 

[Alive again]

King, I do not have some of the issue that you have, but know of some who do. I deal with BP2 which has hypomanias (little manias which are not a s dramatic and do not ladt as long, sometimes only hours) For me my manias built and worsened over time. Just a short bit of info that may help you in your journey and decisions. Praying fo rwisdom for you and your doc.

 

[KingCrimson250]

Thanks actually, that does help. That's what they thought as well, that I'm not experiencing full-blown manic episodes yet but that I might in time. It can be difficult because a lot of it is self-diagnosis. For example last year I felt great, I hardly slept, I gained a ton of weight and I went through money like water. These can all be symptomatic of mania but on the other hand, it was my freshman year at college and those all can also be symptomatic of a young guy out on his own for the first time, you know what I mean?

 

[KingCrimson250]

I had an episode last night, I think... I was talking to a friend of mine over MSN, and it was a really good conversation. I've been working on a book and I was kind of outlining the different characters and their respective struggles and major conflicts, and she was helping me out with that. I don't know if this is significant or not. Anyway after that I went downstairs and I thought I'd listen to some music for a bit before going to bed (this is around midnight). I started having these crazy feelings, I felt insanely happy and incredibly powerful. I felt as though everyone else on the planet was trapped in a life of mediocrity and that I alone would become great. I also felt "fast," if that makes sense, I don't really know how to describe it. Also at one point I saw myself in the mirror and was surprised at how attractive I was (in actuality, I am not really the striking figure I imagined myself to be last night). Most of all I was overwhelmed with this feeling that this was great, I was great, and that no one had better stand in my way. Anyway, after a couple of hours things kind of subsided a bit.

It sounds like some sort of manic episode, but I wasn't really aware they could be that short. I'm going to go to the doctor to ask about it, but until then I thought I'd post it on here.

 

[Alive again]

yep, soudns like youare on the right track. yes, manic episode can be short. Definitely go see the doctor and talk to him about this. prayers!