needing advice/support/encouragement

[hope_faith_love]

I haven't been on much lately. I am so emotionally drained I don't even know where to start.

My husband and I are 6 months into a separation. He wont go to counseling and has been saying for the last 14 months that he is done.

A few days ago I let my frustrations get to me and told him I loved him and wanted him to come home, but if he was going to file then he should go do it NOW. I also told him that while I wanted him to come home that opportunity is not going to last forever.

He said he does not want to come home. He did a few months ago and I was not really talking to him so he changed his mind. He misses the kids and sometimes misses me, but his freedom and having control of his money and stuff makes him a little happier. He said he does not think he is capable of being 100% happy. Everyone thinks he is making a mistake. I suggested counseling and stuff. I told him if he was not coming home then no physical contact and no talking except about the kids. By the time he left he was really upset.

The very next day he texted me about the kids and then added that "you left for work early". That night he called me needing some WD-40 to change his car tag and asked if i had some. I told him to go t the store. The last few days it has been talking about his life asking about mine like everything is peachy. He even asked if I wanted a hug! He does this cause he wants one and wants it to seem my idea. I did not give him one.

So what is wrong with him??? I am so confused and frustrated I could explode. Any ideas or suggestions???

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I went back to read your other post to get an idea of what your situation was. From what I read your h is not a believer, and may have had an affair. Are you still receiving counseling, because it seems like you should be getting some input from someone trained to help you through this time of limbo.

If your h wants to come home, great. But, I really don't think you should be satisfying his physical needs when he wants to have the freedom of a single man. Pray for him of course and try to dig into God's word, promises and love. It might even be appropriate to look into divorce care classes. Not sure about the rules there since I never knew they existed when I separated.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Tell your husband you will file for the divorce if he doesn't move back in, if you want him back.

If you want him to move back because its his idea and he really wants to do the right thing don't hold your breath.

 

[hope_faith_love]

Hey guys thanks! I have been too emotionally drained to log in and talk about it.

AL, I don't know if I want him back after all he has said and done. I am curious as to how you figure me telling him I will divorce or filing might get him back? I just assumed that would be playing into his game and he would be like she filed and it would give him an out. Trust me though I am getting thisclose to going there.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Hey guys thanks! I have been too emotionally drained to log in and talk about it.

AL, I don't know if I want him back after all he has said and done. I am curious as to how you figure me telling him I will divorce or filing might get him back? I just assumed that would be playing into his game and he would be like she filed and it would give him an out. Trust me though I am getting thisclose to going there.

It takes control away from him and puts it in your hands, most guys like having control. If I had to guess I'd say your husband has control now. It also means a judge will order some of his pay to go to you which he probably won't like. It will also help you move on if your husband does not come back, which is more healthy than where you are at.

 

[hope_faith_love]

Ok, once again I am kicking myself for not being on everyday! AL, I totally see what you are saying and that is a thought that is in the front of my mind more and more these days. I think that it would be a burden being lifted if I filed for divorce. I know I felt that way when I asked him to move out. I just don't want to jump into decisions I am not ready for. Plus, I want to make sure I would be able to remarry at some point. While I am up in the air on the infidelity issue, he is not what I would consider a believer. He has only been attending church for about a year now, but does not have a church home and said he does not consider himself a Christian and probably never will. I keep thinking that maybe at some point the scriptures will stick. I think that is why I am afraid to file.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I can understand your wanting to know you can remarry since that was also a concern of mine. I would advise you not to file for divorce unless you knew you had Biblical grounds AND even though that will give you the out, it doesn't mean you have to take it. Perhaps you should think about making the separation legal if necessary.

Are you getting the support you need from your church? I'm sure you've heard a bit about being the model Christian wife who wins her husband to Christ through her behavior. Hard thing to do when there's history, but what have you got to lose? With kids involved I think it's worth the effort to try everything. You're going to need a good mentor or two who'll be praying for you to model Mrs. Wonderful.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Ok, once again I am kicking myself for not being on everyday! AL, I totally see what you are saying and that is a thought that is in the front of my mind more and more these days. I think that it would be a burden being lifted if I filed for divorce. I know I felt that way when I asked him to move out. I just don't want to jump into decisions I am not ready for. Plus, I want to make sure I would be able to remarry at some point. While I am up in the air on the infidelity issue, he is not what I would consider a believer. He has only been attending church for about a year now, but does not have a church home and said he does not consider himself a Christian and probably never will. I keep thinking that maybe at some point the scriptures will stick. I think that is why I am afraid to file.

People remarry all the time after divorce.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

People remarry all the time after divorce.

That doesn't mean that they should. Lots of people divorce and shouldn't. Heck, lots of first marriages should never have happened. What is God's will? That should be the question.

 

[~Lynz~]

by the sound of it you husband want the best of both worlds... the secruty of having a wife and family but signes to go do as he pleases.

u suspect cheating or he has cheated im not sure which but if u dont turst him then you wont really be able to ever trust him will you?

your hoping that he will change and become a "proper believeing Christian"? well i think most people would say people dont change unless they want to do it for them selfs.

there has to come a point where you know the marrage is over. when is your breaking point? once u hit that you'll know exaclty when to file.