Need tools...steps....plan....

[analyzethis]

OK Here it goes.

Background: I am a newly saved (1 year) Christian man whose background includes drinking, drug-use, and neglect and verbal(never physical) abuse of his wife and kids. Dear wife was devoted Christian for the 1st 10 years of our marriage, but backslid under the pressure of 3 boys under 10 who thought if Dad didn't need church and a relationship with God neither did they. To make a loooonnnnggg story short, the next 6 years were a nightmare.....constant bickering and fighting, jealousy and betrayal.....but miraculously never a sexual affair. Her fear of me and the thought of hurting the boys is the only thing that kept her from leaving. Through it all, I loved her with all my heart but I couldn't show it in any of the right ways. She lost those feelings for me but has not given up trying to find the love she felt nearly 18 years ago when we married.

We are both now in a wonderful church that streghthens and support us. We have been through months of marriage counseling which may or may not have helped (that's another story.....counselor was a quack who had his license revoked for unethical practices). We are slowly improving in our relationship and things are moving too slowly for me but God is giving me patience.

The major obstacle now is our lack of trust in each other. My control issues compel me to snoop and dig and check on her every move. Her avoidance issues (caused by her PHYSICALLY abusive alcoholic father and enhanced by her controlling husband) prompts her to hide and lie about anything that she thinks may cause a conflict. These are small things like buying a new blouse, or a business decision(her business) that she thinks I wouldn't approve of, or a chance conversation with any male acquaintance. She basically won't give me a chance to be supportive. She assumes that I will react as I have in the past and the thing that is upsetting me is that she won't let me in.

In a nutshell, she withdraws and conceals things from me that I dig up and find. I react poorly to that fact that she lies and conceals things so she withdraws and conceals....................I see the circle but I don't see the way out. God convicts me daily for my controlling ways. Wife says she can't deal with my reactions, so she must continue to conceal?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Any thoughts are welcomed
Any suggestions are cherished
And all prayers are deeply appreciated.

Hanging in,
J

 

[overit]

Well analyze, all I can say is that if I were your wife I'd do the same, actually scratch that, I would move on with my life alone and ask God to restore my heart from abuse (verbal abuse and control is no less harming then physical-actually can be worse). At least that's what I did, and I hate to be so honest, but my prayer will always be for her to get out, to safety from ALL abuse and control and that God guides her away from it.
I'm sure you will find support for you here, but IMO, an abuser that really was repentent would want the best for his wife, for her to be away from the abuse, control, backsliding, or any hint of "regression" in order for their to be healing and MAYBE eventually restoration or not, but he'd be open to the possibility of letting her go because it's whats is best for her. Maybe then you can also work w/your issues in intense deep counseling, a batterer's intervention program. Check into Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft's books for a start in recognizing the extent of damage and why your wife can't and probably never will be able to trust you again.

 

[SabrinaFair]

Perhaps the book Boundaries in Marriage would be helpful to your marriage. It helps people form and respect healthy boundaries and helps learn new healthier response habits.

It took 18 years for your marriage to get into this pickle, and it will take a long time -years- for it to recover. It is going to take a lot of unconditional love on your part and leaning on God's will for you as a husband for you to develop new ways of dealing with your thoughts, will and emotions.

The fruit of the Spirit is:

Galatians 5:19
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Love is:

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

 

[overit]

Oh another thing marriage counseling didn't work because it NEVER works when there is a power imbalance or a controlling/abusive spouse, it is NEVER recommended-quack or not, she needs individual domestic violence counseling (yes verbal abuse and control is violence surprise!) and you need individual program for abusive partners that lasts anywhere from 6 mo-might suggestion min 1 yr. Nothing can be repaired or even considered until both of you are healed and restored before attempting a reconciliation.

 

[analyzethis]

Thank you both.....I will certainly look into the recommended reading.

overit- I truly appeciate you honesty and candor. Please believe that I do want my wife to be happy even if it means leaving. We are both committed to finding solutions to our destructive behaviors. We both realize that we have issues within ourselves that feed the other party's behaviors. I need to let you know that the man I am today is NOT the abusive person I was and my wife will confirm this. My issues are still with control and trying to solve any problem (my way) that arises when she needs for me just to understand and support her in these struggles. (I have to find solutions all day at work and must let that go at home!) She would love to be able to trust me again but hasn't been able to take the leap of faith needed to find out if it is possible. Our unethical? marriage counselor suggested that she actually had control issues as she was taking advantage of my devotion to my family (misguided as it was) to do whatever she wanted right or wrong without regard to anyone but herself. She had the power because I was still committed to the marriage and she was not at the time. I would respectfully ask that you prayer be for BOTH of us to get out......Out of the bondage of destructive behavior that Satan has woven into this marriage.

SabrinaFair- I Cor 13:4-5 is my daily reminder of what my wife needs for me to demonstrate through my actions for her to accept that Christ has truly changed me. Patience, I'm sure you can believe, has never been a strong suit for me but if it takes another 18 years I'll still be as committed to God's will for me as I am today. I know God honors marriage and hates divorce so as long as we get ourselves centered in his will things will work out in His time.

Further thoughts requested and humbly appreciated

 

[Christianfantasy]

Greetings, Analyze. Your post was honest, concise and very informative. I am so thankful that both you and your wife are fellowshipping with a good, faithful congregation of believers. You mentioned that you need a plan, and that is a very constructive way to think about the situation. Here is one thought for a positive direction to take. Try reading, along with your wife, Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. He brilliantly identifies the five different ways most of us feel love. [For example, quality time is my love language. Gifts, physical contact, compliments and having things done for me don't make me feel especially loved, but if someone spends time with me, I feel very much loved. But for snother person, gifts might be their primary language, or perhaps praise, affirmation and compliments, etc.] This book will help you and your wife identify that unique thing, or sets of things, that makes you feel most loved. If you each start doing for the other the thing or things that makes you/her feel loved, you will be moving forward as opposed to remaining stuck in the current rut. As you make each other feel more and more loved, trust will have a chance to take root and grow, or at least that is the hope. My prayers are with you. It's not easy to change as much as you have. May God strengthen and support you as you continue to grow in Him. Many blesssings.

 

[GoNoles]

from a man's perspective... bro, you're going to have to FIGHT WITH YOURSELF to make the changes you already see that you need to make. Trust doesn't come unless there is openness and honesty... but if she's going to trust you, you're going to have to make the first move. Stop the snooping and relax. Exhibit trust in her. Let her make her own decisions about things that really aren't things you need to be involved in anyway... and love the fact that she is an individual with her own mind, ideas, creativity and goals. Find something she wants and get it for her... and leave it at that - no strings attached, no "points" accounted for - nothing. And let go of the control... or the only thing you'll be controlling is your own free time apart from her.

 

[analyzethis]

Thank you for your help.......

We actually have a copy of The Five Love Languages which she read some time ago....quite possibly before she had any desire to show any love for me. I have not read it but I fully intend to.

Venting this situation here has actually helped me find some peace with where we are in our relationship. We are soooooooooo much better than we were last year. I have been praying and searching the right thing to DO and I think right now is the time to just STAND. I mean be there for her when she decides it is time. I have had it my way for so long.......she feels that she has NEVER had it her way.......I am having a hard time waiting for it to be God's way. I know if I can keep my focus on be what God wants me to be then I can't help but be what she needs me to be.

GoNoles-Thanks for the smack in the head. I DO believe that she wants this to work so why do I feel she is working to the contrary!?!?!?!? Those feelings aren't from God. I resolve today to let her be herself and love her for it (or in spite of it). No expectations.....No strings.....No 'points'..........I'll need prayer!!!! Pretty good stuff for a FSU fan.

J

 

[GoNoles]

Well, stay on that path - and I'll be glad to give you a good kick anytime you feel you need it. You'll be so blessed in a year when you look back and see how much you have changed and how much your relationship has grown. Marriage isn't 50/50... both people need to give 100%, and both need to feel free to give 100% and you both need to feel uninhibited enough to express the gifts God has given you. The Love Languages book will help YOU find-out what HER love language is and then exhibit love to her in ways she will understand and accept. It's a pretty easy concept, really... and I'd recommend reading it asap.

Now... about FSU... the other "university of Florida" is not making it easy, that's for sure.

God bless... and feel free to contact me anytime.

 

[overit]

analyze, the abuse comes from the root of control, under all the layers and displays of abuse is a common denominator, control. If you admit you are still controlling, the problem is still there and will just manifest another way. I strongly suggest in this case Patricia Evan's book Controlling People, you will be AMAZED and find help as well.