need to move past an issue

[hope10]

Hello all, I hope your day is going well. I thank God for another cold day. I joined this forum because I needed a christian perspective on an issue that I have with my husband. My husband and I love each other very much and have three beautiful children. We have been married for 7 years. It's been a challenging journey, but God has been good to us. Just Monday, on our anniversary, I discovered a journal of pictures and videos of my husband. He had taken pics of <staff edit> himself and saved them in a special folder on our computer. Along with these, he had videos of himself <staff edit> on different days. <staff edit> Looking at the dates, he had been doing this from last year Oct 2009, after the birth of our last baby until July of this year.

I came across it by accident because i was looking for our wedding album to post on facebook. Anyway, I was hurt and shocked and disappointed. We are Christians and he is a great guy. I confronted him and he confirmed it. He said we were not intimate for weeks, sometimes months and it seemed that when he approached me, I shut him down. The worst part is that he posted these images and videos online and people liked them and gave him compliments, which gave his ego and self esteem a boost. He said he stopped because we got to a better place.

Bottom line, after a long talk last night, I told him I felt cheated on and my trust and my respect were broken. He said he never meant to hurt me and that he will never do this again.He deleted the pics and was very apologetic as well as embarrassed. We plan on taking it one step at a time.

How do I get past this? I'm I over thinking this by feeling like he cheated. His body is mine and the fact that he shared it with others, was extremely hurtful and disappointing. please give me advice that is nonjudgmental.

Thanks and God bless.

 

[Johnnz]

That's huge shock. You can let it destroy your marriage, or become soemthing that moves both of you to greater levels if relationship and intimacy.

From your post it seems he saw you as somewhat sexually unenthusiastic. Maybe both of you need to talk about that.

John
NZ

 

[hope10]

Thanks, he did say that he thought I found him undesirable. My major issue was that I had little help with the children from him. I had just had baby in 2008 and another last year. The demand of being a mother of 3 in such a short time frame was physically and emotionally overwhelming. I needed affection, but gradually.

 

[MLynn]

hope10, I have a feeling you are not alone discovering this type of thing. I wish I had some wisdom and understanding about what to say to you. It sounds to me as if you did the best thing, which was to confront your husband instead of holding it inside, worrying, and letting your thoughts fester. Does he understand how hard it's been to have two babies so close together and the resulting exhaustion? He may not understand if he hasn't been that involved with their care.

May God bless you and be with you during this difficult time; he seems to want to make things right.

 

[hope10]

I explained how tired I was and that his help would have made a great difference. He helps a lot sometimes, but some days, I had to literally say something. He said men can be oblivious. That is true, but sometimes I think they choose what they want to take seriously. No offense to you men.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Johnnz]

Was his family cooperative and affectionate or ...?

John
NZ

 

[hope10]

not sure if I understand you, but his family is great. They are the most affectionate and cooperative people I've ever met. Truly and really speaking of his parents. They still are and always willing to help out. Great people.

 

[hope10]

I may have seemed uninterested, but as my husband, he could have done more than what he said he did to get my attention. I don't want him thinking that is a good excuse to do what he let himself do.

 

[Johnnz]

It almost seems you have somewhat parallel lives - he does his thing and you do yours.

John
NZ

 

[hope10]

wrong, we are actually a great team. We talk all the time, mostly on the phone. We have three children and work very well together to have a wonderful family. I think in the process of trying to create a great foundation for our family, we or I expected the intimacy to work itself out. Now, we realize we got behind and need to focus on us and still love our children. We do not have to sacrifice one for the other. I am thinking that a marriage conference, that is christian based or a weekend away with just the two of us, might help. What do you think? We are ok, but I want us to get to a better place. I want to let him to know that we are important and this family thing won't work without him/us. We need to remind each other how close we came to losing each other without knowing it and come up with a plan to make sure we do not end up here again. I also think that since we are done with having babies, we can move forward without the fear of getting pregnant again. Now, it's about building us and our family.

 

[hope10]

we are best friends. when the children are sleeping, we hang out together watching tv shows that we love. we laugh and discuss about it together. It's just shocking that he was feeling this way about our intimacy and chose his ego and self esteem over discussing it with me. Also, this was already done months before I found out. We were back on track so he forgot that he still had this mess on the computer. We made it work through the counseling of a wonderful christian couple we watch on a station called Daystar. Regardless of the fact that he was done, I had just found it this Monday and it was fresh and new to me, even though it was old to him.

Basically, I posted this problem because I needed to make a decision if we should just continue on the path to greatness like we were or let this incident, that was done, stall us again. My problem was, he did it and how could he, and it hurt. He went too far. he said it was never about me or not wanting me. It was wanting me and not having me and his self worth. I told him what would help on days that I seem so exhausted. To men, just expecting it, is not going to always make it happen, sometimes, more than just asking is required.

 

[FaithPrevails]

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