Need some teenager advice

[Friend-of-Jesus]

out of boredom

Find them smth to do.

 

[blackribbon]

Summer vacations are for relaxing and gathering the energy to prepare for a new semester of school, not for working. Let me put it this way: if you think that she's old enough to have a job (which I do not agree with), then she's old enough to not have to obey your rules because she's an adult with equal rights to yours. If you want to boss her around and treat her like a child, then let her have the privileges of a child. Children do not have jobs. It seems to me like you can't decide whether you want your daughter to be a child or an adult.

You can't impose religion and faith unto anyone. The most you can do is talk to her and, if she's going through a faith crisis, be there for her, be supportive and loving. If she called to find God, she will.

I entirely disagree with this. School is not that hard that you need 3 months "relaxing". I think a summer job is preparation for becoming an adult which involves learning how to manage your time, your money, and showing up even if you don't feel like it. Grown-up skills. If my kid isn't paying the rent/mortgage, electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, all her/his clothing, his/her car and maintenance, water, garbage pickup, sewage and property taxes...then no, he/she isn't a 'grown up' with all the privileges that go with the responsibility of being an adult. A summer job is the money to pay for the "extras" in life...so the fluff that makes summer enjoyable.

 

[keith99]

I entirely disagree with this. School is not that hard that you need 3 months "relaxing". I think a summer job is preparation for becoming an adult which involves learning how to manage your time, your money, and showing up even if you don't feel like it. Grown-up skills. If my kid isn't paying the rent/mortgage, electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, all her/his clothing, his/her car and maintenance, water, garbage pickup, sewage and property taxes...then no, he/she isn't a 'grown up' with all the privileges that go with the responsibility of being an adult. A summer job is the money to pay for the "extras" in life...so the fluff that makes summer enjoyable.

Things can depend on how a family is doing financially. I sure would not push any child of mine to take a job at McDonalds. Though I would not stop them if they wanted the money badly enough, it could be an excellent education on why they need to actually work a bit in school. I was all over the place ranging from volunteer work to a job running the go cart track at a commercial summer camp where I was trusted by the owner when adult applicants were not (and which included one 17 hour day). Generally speaking I think a kid should have some fun during the summer and not having a job is just fine, having absolutely no structure is not good for most kids. Oh included in the all over the place included just swimming workouts and no other responsibility, but teh workouts would have killed a lot of people.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

My daughter of 16 has recently started acting out. She lost her job for being late or missing work.

Was this a reflection of her overall work ethic, or a departure from her typical level of responsibility? Her occupation at this stage of her life is being a student, so I'd be more concerned about how well she performed in that capacity than with a summer job. If there's a systemic issue of her neglecting to manage her time properly and chronically being late, or failing to fulfill her duties, then I'd suggest working with her to develop better habits. That sort of behavior is a form of self-sabotage that can jeopardize what she'll be able to achieve in her life. If she's a strong student, and is otherwise dependable and on track for a promising future, I wouldn't harp on a summer job.

She won't tell me where she is going or isn't where she said she was going. I track her phone and it gets shut off.

Why do you feel the need to know where she is going or to track her movements? Is there a worry that she's endangering herself or doing something illegal? Curiosity about her plans is fine, but I don't think she should feel compelled to always detail them for normal activities. If she's wanting to go away for the weekend, or stay out past 1, or something substantial like that, then of course you'd be entitled to know, but if she's merely going out with her friends during typical hours she probably feels like her discernment should be trusted enough to make simple decisions for herself without running them by you. If she's done something to weaken your trust, then cooperating with her on ways to build it back would probably work better than making her feel defensive and like she has to be sneaky in order to maintain her social life.

When you were a teen the technology to track location via phone wasn't readily available, and you and millions of others made it safely into their adulthood. My parents do have the ability to track my location via my phone, and it's a condition they gave for continuing to pay the bill for it, but they only do so when there's an actual need. I have a life-threatening medical issue, and so when I don't return a text or call within a time frame, they get worried and track my location. They don't do that to my 16-year-old brother who is perfectly healthy, unless it's imperative.

And she is disrespectful to me and her mother. I have grounded her and took stuff away. It gets better for a few days then back to bad. Any advice?

I think respect is often reciprocal, that people are more likely to give respect to those they feel have extended respect to them. Have you asked her if she feels that you respect her, and then genuinely listened to what she said? The disrespect could be a symptom of a problem rather than the problem itself.

If punishments aren't correcting the issues, then perhaps they're not useful. I don't think punishments should be given after age 14 or so, unless there are exceptional circumstances. From that age on you're transitioning towards adulthood, and should be learning more about adult consequences. Her consequence for failing to show up on time for her job was to lose that job and the income it was giving to her. I don't think it would be fair to take away what she already owns, or fail to provide what she needs, but it would be reasonable to not give her money for more trivial things she wants that she could have bought for herself with money she earned.

 

[CBBILL]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

 

[JAM2b]

Are you kidding? Country kids get into more trouble out of boredom. City kids have a lot of options other than trouble.

It depends on what they have access to. I grew up in the country and there was less bad stuff to get into than there was for my cousins who lived in a metroplex.

 

[JAM2b]

Having a job can be hard on kids, but it does keep them busy in a supervised situation that is also one of adult responsibility. There are pros and cons to it.

My oldest son sometimes struggles in school, so I have been reluctant to let him get a job because I want him to focus on academics. However, he also gets into things he should not be into if he doesn't have something he has to be doing with supervising eyes on him. So, in retrospect, he might have benefitted if he'd had a job the last couple of years... or he might not of if he ended up failing in school because of it. It's a hard thing to judge and a very individualistic decision.

If she can get another job, is there someone who can be designated to always drive her there and pick her up to make sure she goes, and is there on time?

Is there some other teen program in your area she can be involved in? Boys and Girls clubs have programs for teens that keep them off the streets and busy while parents work after school.