Need some teenager advice

CBBILL · Aug 1, 2017

My daughter of 16 has recently started acting out. She lost her job for being late or missing work. She won't tell me where she is going or isn't where she said she was going. I track her phone and it gets shut off. And she is disrespectful to me and her mother. I have grounded her and took stuff away. It gets better for a few days then back to bad. Any advice?

Bluerose31 · Aug 1, 2017

CBBILL said:
My daughter of 16 has recently started acting out. She lost her job for being late or missing work. She won't tell me where she is going or isn't where she said she was going. I track her phone and it gets shut off. And she is disrespectful to me and her mother. I have grounded her and took stuff away. It gets better for a few days then back to bad. Any advice?

It sounds like your daughter is going through a hard time. Is she Christian? Maybe you and your wife can read the Bible with her once a week, like as a Bible study.

blackribbon · Aug 1, 2017

Honestly, my kids knew that I would suddenly become "their best friend" and constant companion if their behavior ever became less than desirable. Yes, that meant I would have literally stopped everything I did to always be at their side 24/7 a week until they started making good decisions again. Luckily, I never had to do this.

I don't know what would work with your daughter but I do think that reminding her that she doesn't get to both make the rules AND benefit from your financial support and family privileges at the same time.

I knew someone who emptied their child's room of everything but a mattress and a couple basic outfits...and the kid had to earn the rest which are all luxury items back.

If she is turning off her phone to prevent you from tracking her, why does she still have service (which I assume you are paying for since she doesn't have a job)? Only pay for a basic phone (not a smart phone) that doesn't do anything but call home and has child restrictions on it for emergency purposes only.

Friend-of-Jesus · Aug 1, 2017

CBBILL said:
My daughter of 16 has recently started acting out. She lost her job for being late or missing work. She won't tell me where she is going or isn't where she said she was going. I track her phone and it gets shut off. And she is disrespectful to me and her mother. I have grounded her and took stuff away. It gets better for a few days then back to bad. Any advice?

Move to countryside away from the sins of this world. No Internet, no TV, no bad company, no alcohol. Just hard work with your own hands. That'll change her!

Abundance of temptation creates abundance of sin...

blackribbon · Aug 1, 2017

Oh...also stop fighting her. Just tell her that you love her and start spending more time with her..even when she says she doesn't want to. Maybe then you can build a bridge back to her and find out what is really bothering her. Tough love still always starts and ends with love. That means "I love you because you are my child"...not "I love you if you measure up to my standards". She needs to know this and hear this ... and not feel invisible to you.

Dave G. · Aug 1, 2017

The good news is they grow out of it eventually. We had five of them at once here years ago. They all seemed to turn out pretty well all in all. Teens will be teens etc.

But this is a different age today. Could you describe how she interacts with her phone, is she departing the house somewhat mysteriously, have some kind of upscale cloths you have not bought her ?

Acts2:38 · Aug 1, 2017

CBBILL said:
My daughter of 16 has recently started acting out. She lost her job for being late or missing work. She won't tell me where she is going or isn't where she said she was going. I track her phone and it gets shut off. And she is disrespectful to me and her mother. I have grounded her and took stuff away. It gets better for a few days then back to bad. Any advice?

Blackribbons post here below is GREAT advice.

blackribbon said:
Honestly, my kids knew that I would suddenly become "their best friend" and constant companion if their behavior ever became less than desirable. Yes, that meant I would have literally stopped everything I did to always be at their side 24/7 a week until they started making good decisions again. Luckily, I never had to do this.

I don't know what would work with your daughter but I do think that reminding her that she doesn't get to both make the rules AND benefit from your financial support and family privileges at the same time.

I knew someone who emptied their child's room of everything but a mattress and a couple basic outfits...and the kid had to earn the rest which are all luxury items back.

If she is turning off her phone to prevent you from tracking her, why does she still have service (which I assume you are paying for since she doesn't have a job)? Only pay for a basic phone (not a smart phone) that doesn't do anything but call home and has child restrictions on it for emergency purposes only.

I too knew a guy who went as far as putting his teenage son outside in a tent in the backyard, who then had to earn everything back little by little.

Let's just say that kid had quite a learning experience and understood quickly.

My wife's parents took her bedroom door off and took the keys of her car away and things like that. She had to earn them back.

Just like the other poster here, why are you paying for her phone still?

I would have ended that the moment she shown disrespect to your authority in this matter.

Why are you letting her go anywhere?

If I went somewhere and I shouldn't have, my parents called the cops on me. Collected me up right quick. Only happened once for me.

Groundings don't work. All they do is wait it out on good behavior and then once they get their stuff back its back to their business as you already see.

Make her earn it back.

Lucian Hodoboc · Aug 1, 2017

CBBILL said:
She lost her job for being late or missing work.

A 16 year old shouldn't have a job. Her 'job' is high-school.

OldWiseGuy · Aug 1, 2017

Tell her, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

Mountainmanbob · Aug 1, 2017

Friend-of-Jesus said:
Move to countryside away from the sins of this world. No Internet, no TV, no bad company, no alcohol. Just hard work with your own hands. That'll change her!

Abundance of temptation creates abundance of sin...

Sounds good on paper
but
hard to really do for most.

Also while out in the woods away from everyone she might find some magic mushrooms -- there is no real escape.
M-Bob

DaisyDay · Aug 1, 2017

Friend-of-Jesus said:
Move to countryside away from the sins of this world. No Internet, no TV, no bad company, no alcohol. Just hard work with your own hands. That'll change her!

Abundance of temptation creates abundance of sin...

Are you kidding? Country kids get into more trouble out of boredom. City kids have a lot of options other than trouble.

What are her interests and ambitions? Being too authoritarian will just make her more resentful and more sneaky - heh, prepare her for the real world.

Ada Lovelace · Aug 1, 2017

Lucian Hodoboc said:
A 16 year old shouldn't have a job. Her 'job' is high-school.

I am curious about the circumstances of the OP's daughter's job, and whether it's simply one she intended to have for the summer, as a light part-time gig during the school year, or something more substantial. I agree that a teen's occupation should be a student (unless he or she is old enough to have enlisted or something), but see the benefit of having a job. A common question on college applications is to ask the applicants to detail how they've spent the past two summers. Many from more affluent families believe they'll appear to be more noble and impressive if they go off on (expensive) humanitarian missions, such as going abroad to work on something like a Habitat for Humanity project. College admission officers have said that they typically look more favorably upon those who simply get a summer job instead, because it can instill valuable skills and demonstrate a different kind of work ethic than what is displayed through your academic transcript.

In the kind of job most teens have you're often working with people of different ages than your own, in a service capacity where you're interacting with the public, and other gaining experiences as well as becoming more financially autonomous. My 16-year-old brother is taking classes at a local college to earn dual enrollment credit and working at a popular sporting goods store. When I was 16 I also took classes and had a paid internship.

Working during the school year can be advantageous too, depending upon the student's course load, extracurriculars, and personality. Many students at my college work either in some job for the university or at the shopping center next to our campus, and it requires successful time management.

That being said, I was offered a job for this upcoming school year, and my parents have urged me to decline it because they believe it would cause me to be spread too thin with the course workload I'll be carrying and the obligations I have. So it depends on the individual's circumstances.

Mountainmanbob · Aug 1, 2017

DaisyDay said:
Country kids get into more trouble out of boredom. City kids have a lot of options other than trouble.

This is very true and I have seen it played out often.
M-Bob

CoolDude68 · Aug 1, 2017

Who's daughter is she? Your post is confusing. "she is disrespectful to me and her mother".... So she has two mothers?

Our son who's 18 had become rebellious. It's that age group, most normal children (YES, they are still our children) go through it. I did too! All you can do is pray and love them and talk to them as human beings. Trying to control them or force them doesn't work, it only makes them withdraw.

Through praying and talking to him and making him understand we simply care and want what's best for him hopefully sunk in some. Within a month he's turning around some and actually has signed up to go to college! Yes, praying works and I want to thank everyone who helped with this.

Anyway, just talk to her, I know it's not easy sometimes. But, find out what she likes, her passions, hobbies...what does she want to do in life? Express interest and tell her you'll help her. I don't know your daughter and forgive me, but it sounds like you don't either.

Also you can't force religion on someone. But you can invite her to church with you? If she refuses, then don't push it. Our son still refuses to go to church but he's making progress I feel. God's working on it.

Grounding them and taking possessions away isn't going to work. That demonstrates you can't trust them. But talking to them and understanding them is more positive in their eyes. It shows you care more. You can't be their best friend because a parent is the authority figure, but you can "be a friend" and listen.

Ask her what her favorite place to eat is. Then take her there and ask gently if she wants to talk about anything that might be bothering her. She may just open up some. You can tell her you're on her side no matter what and how you can help. Love always wins out.

~Anastasia~ · Aug 1, 2017

Just one more suggestion (there are some good ones here and some I'd be less willing to try).

Is there someone else she likes and trusts and is close to that she could talk with? I've seen an aunt, a mother's friend, a mentor or teacher, sometimes be a better person for a teen to open up to.

Just to find out what's going on and if real intervention of some sort is needed, or if she's just going though teen angst and rebellion. That person could better make the case too that you are primarily concerned for her safety, and this is why her phone needs to be ON.

Sometimes it works amazingly well. Ideally of course, parents could have this kind of discussion, but as children begin to naturally distance themselves, they sometimes do better with someone other than parents.

Dave G. · Aug 1, 2017

Lucian Hodoboc said:
A 16 year old shouldn't have a job. Her 'job' is high-school.

I feel just the opposite of you Lucian.

CBBILL · Aug 1, 2017

Lucian Hodoboc said:
A 16 year old shouldn't have a job. Her 'job' is high-school.

Bluerose31 said:
It sounds like your daughter is going through a hard time. Is she Christian? Maybe you and your wife can read the Bible with her once a week, like as a Bible study.

s

Dave G. said:
I feel just the opposite of you Lucian.

CBBILL · Aug 1, 2017

CBBILL said:
s

She just had a summer job but I feel she should be able to wake up at 9 am on time.

CBBILL · Aug 1, 2017

As far as being a Christan that is another subject. She comes to church with us and goes to youth group but she has told me she doesn't know if she believes in god.

Lucian Hodoboc · Aug 1, 2017

Summer vacations are for relaxing and gathering the energy to prepare for a new semester of school, not for working. Let me put it this way: if you think that she's old enough to have a job (which I do not agree with), then she's old enough to not have to obey your rules because she's an adult with equal rights to yours. If you want to boss her around and treat her like a child, then let her have the privileges of a child. Children do not have jobs. It seems to me like you can't decide whether you want your daughter to be a child or an adult.

You can't impose religion and faith unto anyone. The most you can do is talk to her and, if she's going through a faith crisis, be there for her, be supportive and loving. If she called to find God, she will.

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