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Need some guidance and advice

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by John Chung, Aug 23, 2019.

  1. John Chung

    John Chung New Member

    5
    +0
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Hi, I'm pretty much new to the community and thank you for allowing me to be part of this group. The reason I joined the forum was because I'm having some issues with my marriage and perhaps with my own self. To give you a little background of the situation, I'm a husband with 2 small kids and have been married to my wife for about 11 yrs. My marriage has its ups and downs like other marriages but mostly downs due to so many little things but financial issue has always been on top. We live in Los Angeles, CA where the cost of living is pretty high so both my wife and I work to support the lifestyle. Though I have always been envisioning to have a traditional family where the wife would stay at home for the kids and the husband goes to work, but due to the hight cost of living we both ended up working. A few years ago, my wife got an increase in salary and now she's looking for another job that pays more. I was supposed to be happy for her and for the extra money she brings home but instead I felt miserable because I couldn't be the breadwinner of the family. I feel like a failure as a husband who is supposed to provide for a family. I know this is probably just in my mind because her attitudes doesn't change much after the raise, meaning she still takes care of the kids after work and does whatever she does as a wife. However, I just couldn't accept the fact that she makes more money than I do. I knew this is a wrong thought so I'm looking for guidance and advices on how to handle this situations and be more acceptance.

    Thank you in advance.

    John.
     
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  2. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    +2,664
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    Get a higher paying job.
     
  3. Hotinco

    Hotinco Member

    62
    +60
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    John, I can relate to your feelings, In October we will be married 30 years in that time I have always worked and most of the time I made a little more than my wife. Recently I lost my job (May 3) and being unemployed has been a struggle for me. I keep reminding myself this is a partnership and it does not matter who makes what, just so long as the bills are paid. In the United States, it is a very masculine thing to be the breadwinner and/or make more. At the end of the day be thankful you have a wife who is whiling to work and contribute in that way to the household. Focus on being the spiritual leader of the home and let the financial part fall where it may. In a few years, you will look back at this and see how insignificant it is int he grand scheme of your life and marriage.
     
  4. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,807
    Christian
    Married
    Provide means more than money. Your providing that too, and you are a team - remember there is no "I" in team. Please don't allow people's cultural opinions cloud your life.

    You are providing a very important male role model to your children, and very supportive husband to your wife. No one can put a price on that type of providing, and yet in many ways it is so much more important than money.

    Don't downplay you role in your family due to salary. Its very insignificant when it comes to life overall. Your relationships are your very first and most important goal! YOU ARE providing!! Money comes and goes, and your personal provisions is what your family will admire and respect in you as a man/husband/father. Don't minimize your very important part and contributions to your family. It does no good to anyone, and if you let this attitude get hold to strong? Could damage that part your are already excelling in. The part you seem to be forgetting!

    It's hard enough from what I have read to live in CA, and God has blessed you with a circumstance to flourish and not flounder. It could be that God wants to show you the value to money in a different type of way compared to what past beliefs say you should. Once you accept it, and owe it? God may different plans, and it may not be what you thought it would be.

    You make sure she knows how important her part is in your relationship, and let our kids know they are the most important gifts you received. I know you did this in the past, but you got a temporary kick in the gut. Once you own that part that they are more important than any income? They and you will both realize how much you are truly providing, and your acceptance of the circumstance will come easy. Husbands are needed for more than a salary. They provide things that no one else can, and don't forget about that...and let it cloud your perspective on life.
     
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  5. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,056
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    welcome to CF!

    there are many other lower costs states
    talk to your wife about moving & she could become a sahm wife while the children are still young

    to live in a community that is family oriented, where you both won't be so stressed to make ends meet, and spend precious time with your young children is worth moving
     
  6. Eternity Matters

    Eternity Matters New Member

    7
    +3
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Married
    I recently read that most women don't mind if they earn more but they do mind if the husband doesn't lead the family. Not sure if that helps or not.

    I would consider lower cost options to live. California is getting worse and worse politically as well.
     
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  7. John Chung

    John Chung New Member

    5
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    United States
    Christian
    Married
    We actually tried to move to a different state that has a lower cost of living but didn't really work out since we got home sick and miss our friends here in the state. Well it's our conscious choice to live in LA. No one to blame.
     
  8. John Chung

    John Chung New Member

    5
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    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Thanks Hannah. Your insights and advices are so right to the point. It's been hard for me to realize since the idea of a man should be a breadwinner is rooted culturally but if you put things in perspective, that notion isn't relevant.
     
  9. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,056
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    how long did you give it a chance in another state?

    only you two can decide if it's worth the stress to live in LA with you BOTH having to work & be away from your young children

    there are friends to be made wherever one lives
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  10. John Chung

    John Chung New Member

    5
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    United States
    Christian
    Married
    We only gave it 1 year to adjust in a new state and yes it should've been much longer I realize that. I would like to give another try but my wife preferred CA. Yes it's our choice. Another consideration was also that the kids already have some friends at school and church so that made the decision to move even harder. I guess what I'm looking advise on was a different perspective of someone who's been in my situation where moving is out of the questions.
     
  11. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,056
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    if you decide to try again & make life simpler,
    kids easily make new friends
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  12. John Chung

    John Chung New Member

    5
    +0
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I'll consider it. thanks Christine!
     
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