Need some advice...

[lilray]

Help! When I met my boyfriend, I did not understand what unequally yoked meant. My boyfriend was raised Catholic, went to a Catholic school and has devoted Catholic parents. I am also Christian, but go to a non-denominational church that I LOVE! He is a very kind and giving person and treats me better than anyone else in the world. We fell in love early on and since 3 months into our relationship, we have planned to marry and built a life together for the past 3 years. We planned to marry next year and have signed papers to purchase a condo that’s currently being built and should be completed by the end of next year.

Anyway, I have always thought that my boyfriend was just spiritually immature and would eventually come to Christ because of his upbringing. A few months ago my pastor spoke about how the Bible says it is wrong to marry a non-believer. I started to panic. It hit me that my boyfriend may never come to Christ. I have been feeling extreme anxiety and depression over this revelation. I have prayed continuously. My family and my Bible study group has been praying for him as well. I’ve tried to talk to him about his beliefs over and over and it seems to be pushing him away instead. He gets very defensive. We’ve cried for countless hours together as I tell him I don’t know if I can marry him since the Bible says it is wrong. I can’t seem to break up though because I love him too much. I’m so torn. I could get over it if it were only my heart that would break, but I can’t bare to break his heart. I love him too much. My boyfriend was having our engagement ring made. He has put it on hold and is waiting for me to tell him it’s ok to propose. I keep praying but it isn’t getting any easier. I don’t want to disobey God. I’m afraid that if I do marry him, I may not grow in Christ as much as if I married a believer. Any advice? Has anyone else been in this situation?

 

[KleinerApfel]

lilray, this is a very difficult one. (I notice 11 people have viewed this and not answered, so I'm not the only one who thinks so!)
But I wanted to let you know you are heard, and I have prayed for you.

Does your boyfirend have no faith at all in Jesus? I'm not absolutely clear whether you're just concerned about the Catholic differences, or whether he doesn't believe at all.

If it's the denomination concerning you, then that doesn't qualify as unequally-yoked in the way I understand it, though it could still mean some difficulties. But if he doesn't accept Christ at all, then you have a heartbreaking decision to make whichever way you go.

Either:

you'll decide to marry anyway, and maybe have a long and anxious time hoping and praying for his salvation,
Or:
you'll part and be hurt that way.

It's a terrible dilemma and I feel for you, though I was not saved until AFTER marrying my unsaved husband, so didn't have to go through this.

I don't know, but just MAYBE, there is reason to hope that this will work out for you both. You say you've planned to marry since early days, nearly 3 years ago, though not officially engaged, and you have a signed commitment to a home. These commitments might count for something before God, and I MAY BE WRONG, but perhaps He would be pleased for you to keep them. Perhaps your boyfriend will be saved yet.

One more thing. All this time you've been together nobody in your church or family ever expressed concern? You never had any feeling from God or through the bible, until recently, that this is a problem?

It looks to me as though you began this in innocence of the facts, and have made commitments, and are deeply connected. Maybe you need to ask God for something really "solid" in prayer - a scripture or a revelation, even "putting out a fleece" to find out what is the best thing to do.

I can tell you about a couple of "U.Y." marriages.

I have a dear friend whose unsaved husband is dreadful to her, and she was a Christian when she married him and blames herself, which is terribly sad.

I can also tell you, my own marriage suffers because of my husband's unbelief. I am also deeply troubled when I think what could ultimately happen to him if he never accepts Jesus as Lord.

BUT I can also tell you my husband is understanding and supportive of my need for my faith, even though he also thinks I'm wacky because of it!
We love each other deeply, and I can't imagine life without him. So, it can "work", but it hurts!

God bless greatly as you make your decision dear one. Only He can help you do it.

Susana

 

[WashedClean]

Wow Susana! That was an awesome post. You took the words out of my mouth.

Lilray - Susana and I are in similar situations. I've been married for 13 years and saved for 3. My husband was also raised Catholic. He is not saved and it breaks my heart. I would strongly caution you against marrying this man. Perhaps you could wait a little while? Have you asked your boyfriend if he would be willing to meet with your pastor? Does he understand the Gospel?

I've been praying for three years for my husband to come to Christ. He's a wonderful, loving man, but so far, he's still unsaved. I have great faith that God will save him one day, but the waiting is unbearable at times. My faith is the most important thing in my life and I can't share it with him the way I want to. He's extremely supportive, but he just doesn't understand my priorities sometimes. We don't have children (yet) so right now, I consider that a blessing.

If you marry this man knowing he's not a Christian, then you are definitely outside of God's will. I really feel your pain and realize you must be so torn over this. I will pray for you and for wisdom.

Please keep us updated.

 

[lilray]

I just want to say THANK YOU so much for both of your replies!!! The Lord is my Banner.. to answer your questions (which were great questions - thank you!):

My boyfriend does not know if he believes or not. He told me he's confused. He believes in God but is not sure if he believes in Jesus. Yes, it was extremely painful to hear.

No! No one's expressed concern because he came to church with me on many occassions. My parents love him! He's the kindest, most thoughtful and caring guy I have ever met (except for my dad of course!). I'm floored! My church growing up NEVER talked about being unequally yoked! My parents didn't even know! I've never heard that term until I moved to the church I'm in now. Still I had no idea what it meant until recently. I have only been in my bible study group for over a month so I'm sure they would have told me had I joined sooner. But now, I tell other Christians my story and they look at me like I'm immoral! I didn't know! I would also like to mention that my boyfriend is the ONLY guy that has been willing to wait until we're married to have sex.. out of all Christians and non-believers I have dated.

I am so frustrated. My parents keep telling me to just put my trust in God. I know they're right. They tell me God has a reason for this. Maybe my boyfriend will find Jesus through me. If not, then God will give me a way out of this mess. My parents think He is teaching me patience and strengthening my faith. Lord knows I do need that! Why does it have to be so hard though?

Yes, I have put everything on hold. My boyfriend called the jewelers to put the ring on hold. I am still praying he will come to Jesus. To my boyfriend's parents, I am their hope that their son will come back to the church and believe. There's so much pressure.

Thank you again for your replies! I very much appreciate it!!!

 

[KleinerApfel]

lilray,

I'm still praying. You are doing the right thing putting it on hold until you know what to do. I think you are very brave. I'm pleased for you that your boyfriend is being patient in this too.

God bless you both, Susana

 

[lilray]

Thank you Susana! You are an inspiration! It is so amazing and inspiring to read the light and hope of all the godly women in this forum. God is so good! You are truly a blessing!

Your sister in Christ! I will pray for you as well!

 

[charligirl]

What a difficult situation, I can't really add anything else, I agree that to marry an unbeliever is contray to the bible and you could be setting yourself up for a whole lot of grief the other side of the alter - marriage is hard enough as it is!

This is such a new concept to you perhaps you are concenred because it's in the bible, which is a good reason to be concerned, but haven't considered WHY it is wrong and what the implications could be in an un-equally yoked marriage.

Firstly you are saying your vows before Almightly God and your marriage is a union of the two of you but with Jesus in the middle. If one of you does not believe this would be hard.

Secondly the husband is called to be the 'head' of the relationship in the same way that Christ is the head of the church. This could be hard if he does not have a relationship with Jesus.

How would it work in your marriage if you know your husband does not look to God for answers and guidance for the big decisions in life.. particularly if you disagree with what he decides or think it is against God's will.

Will you fill the potential that God has for you as a women of God?

I just say these things because it is easy to obey just because the bible says so (which is fine) but it is good to see WHY God put things in place as He did - for our benefit and prosperity not to upset us.

I have been married 7 months to a man who is a baby christian, even that has it's challenges. Believe me EVERYTHING changes when you get married, things that were insignificant suddenly magnify into huge issues and emotinos, it's great, a BIG learning curve and rollercoaster ride ... but I would never attempt it with a man who was not saved. I take my hat off to the other posters, it's can't be easy when such a huge part of your life cannot be shared with your spouse. We are spirit, soul and body, a marriage where the spirit cannot be shared must be tough at times.

I do have a practical suggestion after all of that. Can you do an ALpha course together? it is particularly for enquirers and people confused by what they believe and is very relaxed and non pushy.

I'll pray for you as well!

 

[lilray]

Charligirl - You are so right about the head of the household thing. After a lot of praying about my situation, God has given me support and is showing me the way. Someone in my bible study told me about an unequally yoked class that my church was starting. I have been taking classes and have spoken to many women who are in unequally yoked marriages and I hear how difficult it is. I feel blessed that God is protecting me by making sure I know exactly what unequally yoked means and the consequences before it was too late. God is so, so good! Amen!

The class has really been such a blessing. I know that if my bf does not accept Christ and does not begin to grow in his faith, I must break off the relationship. It is heart-wrenching.. I can't take my eyes or focus off God or I begin to get seriously depressed and feel the horrible pain of it all. I know He will guide me through this. I still pray that my bf will accept Christ. I still would love to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him here on earth and in all eternity.

Thank you so much for your affirming words. God bless you!!

 

[charligirl]

Wow, a whole course to support in this area! what an enlightened church!

I'm glad you are getting support and you know God is with you in this. Keep praying because 'the fervent effective prayer of a righteous man availeth much!'

Does your church do Alpha? http://www.alphausa.org/ my husband got saved through Alpha, only a few months before we got engaged!