Need Some Advice, Please...

[Oblivious]

I've been a member of this forum for many years, and I have never asked for advice, definitely not marriage advice until now. I am a very private person but got some news last week and don't know what to do with it, so I would greatly appreciate some insight.

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary last week. It really wasn't much of a celebration. Things have just not been right since about the beginning of the year - intimacy is gone and my DH is very consumed with work - he has always traveled for work but with his new job he's gone about 80% of the time. I finally got him to talk this weekend and he dropped the bomb that his "Feelings have changed" but yet he also admitted that he still loves me and would do anything for me. Huh? He was married prior to me and admitted the same thing happened then, and about at the same timeframe as our marriage (10 years or so). I told him I intend to keep my wedding vows and am not interested in a divorce so we agreed we'll continue to "talk" (which we really haven't).

I'm a VERY good wife to this man. I work full time and take care of everything; he never has to lift a finger. I'm there for him emotionally(when he rarely opens up) and have been very cool and understanding of his work and travels. I believe I'm a cool chick - I take care of myself, don't nag, am emotionally stable, and don't do all that other stuff that annoys men. I mean we rarely if ever fight! Anyway, he never really said it was anything I did so I just don't understand any of this or what I can do.

I'm a believer that marriage is forever (sorry to sound cliche). No wonder marriages fail if it's for something lame like this. I seriously am very worried about us and I don't know what to do....

 

[hijklmnop]

IMO all you can do is dig deeper with him to find out what's really going on. All any of us can do is guess since you don't know exactly what he means yet at this point. Hopefully you guys can carve out a good chunk of time soon to sit down together and he will open up and tell you what it is he means by what he said. Two guesses off the top of my head are: infidelity (no offense, I just wonder based on the info you've given) or simply a lack of emotional connection/romance due to "life" getting in the way of you guys maintaining your relationship. Hopefully it is the latter, and totally fixable with effort from both of you. He says he still loves you, so hopefully that translates to having a desire to GET whatever feelings back that he's lost. If travelling so much due to work is a major part of the problem, hopefully that's something he could change.

 

[FaithPrevails]

It sounds like he gets the "10 year itch" instead of the "7 year itch".

If he hasn't disclosed how exactly his feelings have changed, that is the first priority, IMO. Getting him to share where the struggle stems from is going to be key to turning things back around.

If he travels that much, is there any way you can travel with him from time to time? Maybe so much time apart is causing apathy? My BIL travels somewhat for work and if he has to travel for a week or so during the summer or around any school break, my sister and their kids usually tag along and make a pseudo vacation out of it for the family.

Lifting you in prayer. I can imagine the news came as quite a shock.

 

[prophecyistrue]

You didn't mention whether he was a believer

 

[mkgal1]

That must have felt as if someone pulled the rug out from under you. I'm so sorry....

I wonder what his relationship with Christ is like now as well. Do you think that his job has allowed God to slip down the list of priorities? (if it was ever a priority).

 

[Oblivious]

Two guesses off the top of my head are: infidelity (no offense, I just wonder based on the info you've given) or simply a lack of emotional connection/romance due to "life" getting in the way of you guys maintaining your relationship.

No need to apologize, infidelity was the first thing I thought of too. I have asked him several times and he says no so all I can do is take him at his word. If he really wanted to end things all he'd have to do is say yes and he knows I'd be history. I won't tolerate cheating.

It sounds like he gets the "10 year itch" instead of the "7 year itch".

Yeah, something like that.

If he hasn't disclosed how exactly his feelings have changed, that is the first priority, IMO. Getting him to share where the struggle stems from is going to be key to turning things back around.

He did mention that his travels have changed him, meaning, he travels to third world countries and has seen how they lived. Things we were once into (our cars, racing) don't interest him as much anymore. I can understand that but not quite sure what that has to do with us? If anything, you'd think he'd appreciate things (me?) more. He also feels a ton of guilt for moving us 5 years ago (we've since moved back "home"). He mentioned that repeatedly. I have moved on from that whole disaster and apparently he hasn't or still feels some guilt about it.

If he travels that much, is there any way you can travel with him from time to time? Maybe so much time apart is causing apathy? My BIL travels somewhat for work and if he has to travel for a week or so during the summer or around any school break, my sister and their kids usually tag along and make a pseudo vacation out of it for the family.

Being where he travels, the cost involved, and my work schedule, it's not really doable.

Lifting you in prayer. I can imagine the news came as quite a shock.

Thanks. I really do appreciate it.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Can you find a way to help create a new interest that you all share that would reflect the changes that traveling to 3rd world countries has had on him? Maybe sponsoring a child or participating in a mission trip/sponsoring a missionary family?

If the things that once bonded you two together have lost appeal for him, it might help rekindle things to find new interests that you can both embrace. KWIM?

 

[Everlasting33]

Oblivious,

Would it be a fair assessment to state that his traveling is the primary reason for your concern?

 

[Athene]

Is he a good husband to you?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Go with him the next time he goes out of town to a place he's been before. See what he does and who he sees when he is away. Get a perspective on how and why he has changed.

Since he doesn't like race cars anymore what do you two do together for fun? What does he like to do now for fun? Gay men are usually good at talking about their feelings. Straight men usually aren't so good at it. Do things with him and he is more likely to open up than if you interrogate him all week. Go golfing with him.

 

[dorig59]

This is just a shot in the dark, but maybe you shouldn't be quite so cool and accomodating. Perhaps you should require more from him. Maybe he thinks you don't need him?

 

[beckyjustbecky]

This is just a shot in the dark, but maybe you shouldn't be quite so cool and accomodating. Perhaps you should require more from him. Maybe he thinks you don't need him?

I was just about to say that! Part of the whole male thing is building a healthy confidence/ego (not swelling it), maybe being slightly more needy? It may make him feel useful and fulfilled that he can do things for you. Hubby still thinks I can't hang a picture, when the truth is I'd probably do it faster with less mess myself, why do I let him do it? He feels macho when I require these things from him. So I let him. Then praise him for doing a good job. (when secretly I'm dreading ever moving that picture coz there's a hole the size of a man hole in my wall!!lol)

 

[FaithPrevails]

This is just a shot in the dark, but maybe you shouldn't be quite so cool and accomodating. Perhaps you should require more from him. Maybe he thinks you don't need him?

I was thinking something along these lines, too. It's good to be able to be independent while he's gone and accepting of the fact that it's a work requirement for him.

But, making him feel needed and missed when he comes back home would be important, too.

 

[dorig59]

He also needs to take responsibility for the marriage, for your lives. I think you're letting him off too easy.

 

[Oblivious]

This is just a shot in the dark, but maybe you shouldn't be quite so cool and accomodating. Perhaps you should require more from him. Maybe he thinks you don't need him?

Interesting. I've noticed I really have reverted back to the way I used to be before I was married - somewhat independent, and very capable of taking care of things. That said, he's so busy that it's almost like I'd rather do it myself then bother him with and have him get grumpy (which sometimes happens)

He also needs to take responsibility for the marriage, for your lives. I think you're letting him off too easy.

Could you further explain what you mean by letting him off too easy?

I'll admit that I feel like I'm kind of on probation or "pins and needles" around him. I just don't want to do anything to make him decide he's "done" with me. Wow, after typing and reading that it really sounds pathetic doesn't it? I just don't know what to do as I really haven't done anything to bring on this change.

 

[dorig59]

It certainly is not your fault he has changed, so don't take anything I or anybody else says that way, that's the first thing. And he may have some weird psychologic "thing" because he did this to his ex-wife, right? I mean, it's a pattern. Don't know exactly what it means or what it is, though. And you shouldn't be made to feel you are on pins and needles. Do you guys have any kids? I keep forgetting to ask that.

What I meant by letting him off too easy was like not expecting much from him. I think sometimes men will take advantage of that if they can. Hate to make a generality here since everyone hates that so much, maybe women do it, too, I dunno. But from MY experience and what I've observed, a husband will or can take advantage if the wife is TOO trusting, lets him get off TOO much without doing anything around the house/property, and perhaps won't put any of himself into the marriage if he feels it's not expected of him.

Again, I could be TOTALLY off base, I don't know. Just some thoughts that came to mind.

 

[Oblivious]

It certainly is not your fault he has changed, so don't take anything I or anybody else says that way, that's the first thing.

No, I haven't gotten that impression from anyone here. I guess it's normal to feel as though I did something as I've always been pretty hard on myself. But I really need to "woman-up" and realize that it isn't my fault.

And he may have some weird psychologic "thing" because he did this to his ex-wife, right? I mean, it's a pattern. Don't know exactly what it means or what it is, though. And you shouldn't be made to feel you are on pins and needles. Do you guys have any kids? I keep forgetting to ask that.

Yeah, the 10 year thing is odd - I don't get it. Oh, and no, we don't have any kids.

What I meant by letting him off too easy was like not expecting much from him. I think sometimes men will take advantage of that if they can. Hate to make a generality here since everyone hates that so much, maybe women do it, too, I dunno. But from MY experience and what I've observed, a husband will or can take advantage if the wife is TOO trusting, lets him get off TOO much without doing anything around the house/property, and perhaps won't put any of himself into the marriage if he feels it's not expected of him.

He's a very hard worker - probably puts in 60-80 hours a week. That said, I don't get on him about things. He does take care of the yard, so I guess I should take back my comment about him "not lifting a finger". Anyway, I have noticed since our talk last week that he's been helping more with little things, like the dishes. I know it's not much but he's trying I guess. <shrugs>

 

[FaithPrevails]

It doesn't seem like much, but it is effort on his part and that should definitely be acknowledged, IMO.

My hubby handled a discipline situation with one of our sons yesterday the exact way I had asked him to a while ago. So, after the situation was handled, I thanked him for honoring my request and my gratitude went a long way with him, I know.

 

[dorig59]

Yes, anything that's a step in the right direction, even a small step, is very good.

 

[razzelflabben]

I've been a member of this forum for many years, and I have never asked for advice, definitely not marriage advice until now. I am a very private person but got some news last week and don't know what to do with it, so I would greatly appreciate some insight.

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary last week. It really wasn't much of a celebration. Things have just not been right since about the beginning of the year - intimacy is gone and my DH is very consumed with work - he has always traveled for work but with his new job he's gone about 80% of the time. I finally got him to talk this weekend and he dropped the bomb that his "Feelings have changed" but yet he also admitted that he still loves me and would do anything for me. Huh? He was married prior to me and admitted the same thing happened then, and about at the same timeframe as our marriage (10 years or so). I told him I intend to keep my wedding vows and am not interested in a divorce so we agreed we'll continue to "talk" (which we really haven't).

I'm a VERY good wife to this man. I work full time and take care of everything; he never has to lift a finger. I'm there for him emotionally(when he rarely opens up) and have been very cool and understanding of his work and travels. I believe I'm a cool chick - I take care of myself, don't nag, am emotionally stable, and don't do all that other stuff that annoys men. I mean we rarely if ever fight! Anyway, he never really said it was anything I did so I just don't understand any of this or what I can do.

I'm a believer that marriage is forever (sorry to sound cliche). No wonder marriages fail if it's for something lame like this. I seriously am very worried about us and I don't know what to do....

when I read your post, the highlight struck me like a ton of bricks, "yet he also admitted that he still loves me and would do anything for me" If this is true, why not hold him to it? If he would do anything for you, why not ask him to work it out? To be painfully honest with every aspect of your lives? To make more time to be together and discover each other all over again? To get counseling together? To dig into scripture and discover the truths hidden there and in those truths, take your thoughts captive, turning those lies of satan and the world into victory dances in our Lord?

We are currently working on masters degrees in counseling and then will begin Dr. degrees in the same. Currently one of the books we are reading is Bondage Breaker by Neil T Anderson. It's a very good book about how to destroy the lies that the enemy tries to convince us of. Our thoughts, are the only real weapon satan has to use against the believer. So following scripture when we are commanded to take our thoughts captive is a powerful weapon against the things that bind us. Turning those thoughts on the good things, the righteous things becomes our arsenal against the deceptions of satan. Your husband is living in deceptions created by satan and (no offense intended) so are you (we all are). To renew your minds in Christ, will provide more healing than you can imagine, but it takes work. I've seen this taking of thought captive work, I've known it to work in our own lives. When our marriage was on the rocks, I wish someone would have explained it this way to me, it would have cut through a lot of trial and error. Instead, we discovered the way to say it about a year ago when our son died. It works....

May you find a way to work things out. May you know the grace that is given to all who seek God with all their hearts, souls, minds, and exceedingly.