Need Relationship advice

[notw2005]

My girlfriend and I are in a medium distance relationship right now. I'm at college and she lives about an hour and a half away. We started dating in November right before she graduated in December, I had pursued her for nearly two years at this point. This semester has worked out ok, we get to see each other every Saturday and there haven't been any large issues. Today we were talking about this summer and I said that we should try to find a church that we can go to together because when I move home I only live about twenty minutes away. I thought this is a godd idea so we can get plugged into a bible study and small group together to help a relationship grow more in God. Well she didn't like this idea at all, she said since we are only in a relationship and not engaged or married that this was not important and shouldn't happen yet. This led to a point where I said it was my responsibility to lead her the way God wants me to. And this again upset her and she told me that it wasn't my job to lead her yet. This has boiled to the point where she's talking about taking a break which I will not do, if a break happens then it's a break up because if a person doesn't care enough to work through the problems with that person then they obviously don't really value that person much. My questions are, is it wrong that I want us to find a church and small group together especially considering there has been talk of marriage. And is it wrong for me to think that it's my job to lead her.

Thanks and God Bless

 

[LinkH]

It's not your responsibility to lead her yet. That is more of her father's responsibility than anyone else's, assuming she is a believer. Is she good at being led, when dealing with her father and church leaders? There is nothing wrong with your exercising some leadership, but you don't have the rights of a husband, and if she doesn't want to go along with your idea, she is under no obligation to do so just because you say so.

Is there more to the story that just having different ideas about it? Did it turn into a quarrel? If you think she wants to take a break just over your suggestion, rather than because of the things that came out during an argument, maybe she isn't that sure and wants to back off a little while. You aren't married, and if she wants to take some time to figure out (and pray about) whether you are a suitable match for her, let her do it. You don't have to break up if this is the case.

Just don't date another girl, get back with her, and when she brings it up, keep saying, "But we were on a break."

While you are 'on a break' you could pray about whether you should marry her or not. You could end the break after that if botho f you agreed. It's not the worst thing in the world.

Before you propose, it is a good idea to get an idea of what her understanding is of a husband exercising leadership and what that entails. If she isn't clear on the matter, you can see if she is teachable about the issue, too. If one or both partners in a marriage, even if they both claim to be Christians, aren't on board with fulfilling their obligations in marriage according to the word of God, that will likely cause some big problems down the road.

You could also approach the idea of going to a Bible study together as 'moving closer' to a stage where marriage could be a serious consideration. If that makes her too nervous, she could be a bit unsure about whether you are a suitable partner for her. She could just be nervous about marriage in general. Make sure you aren't "filler"-- someone to date and have a good time with before finding a suitable marriage partner.

 

[dayhiker]

She might now see you ca too controling.
She might think your rushing the relationship ... so she wants to show things down.

 

[Moonshiner]

You are at different levels in this relationship.
You are high up there but she probably doesn't know where this will all lead.
To many people going to church with a boy or girl is like officialising the relationship and they might not feel comfortable if they have not made the same commitment you have made.
Give her space but do not be disappointed if she does not come back.At least she will not have wasted your time.

 

[Cappadocious]

This led to a point where I said it was my responsibility to lead her the way God wants me to.

If she's not ready to be led yet, you could always rent her out to a farm for the late summer. Round here at least, strawberry pickin' could probably earn a few dollars of spending money.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Personally, it doesn't sound like you understand what "leadership" actually means. You're confusing leading with controlling. Leading means initiating direction and change, and collaborating with those you are leading. You have to get input from her, take suggestion from her. Very rarely should there be times where you put your foot down and don't allow compromise; those times should be in extreme circumstances and it should be the moral thing to do, not just on a whim because it's what you want. Leading is not dictating and expecting her to obey. Holding it over her head that leading her is your "job" is just pure manipulation, and that's not good for a healthy, balanced relationship.

I'm sure there are reasons that she's not ready to start attending the same church. She clearly doesn't feel comfortable with it, and you're not being loving or understanding. She probably feels pressured and uncomfortable...If I felt those things because of my boyfriend, I would want a break too. You're scaring her and you're going to ruin the relationship if this is how you're going to insist on treating her.

Consider some relationship counseling so you can both work on skills you need to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Pretty much what everyone else said. Its a bit early to start doing this to her. She may feel like you are controlling. Before I married my wife I "lead" her. But I never forced her or got mad if she didn't like what I said. My job is not to control her. However before we married she engaged me because she liked that aside from being good hearted, I often would give her advice or bible verses for things she needed help with.

She can tell I wanted to lead her closer to Christ, but I wasn't forcing her to. Now that we are married she does let me lead, but not like in a controlling way of course. Its mainly when it comes to big decisions. Since she is overseas we had to decide on different routes to get her spousal visa. Despite one route being faster, she said she trusted me as her husband that I was going down the route I felt God lead me to. Which did make me feel good that shes trusts me.

As stated we have to learn the difference between control and leading. And then what exactly leading means.

 

[iambren]

You are not her husband so you have no business "leading " her anywhere!

Actually this may be a test of your relationship (a blessing) because she can evaluate if she can cope with your control needs.