Need Relationship Advice

[krazman]

So about 3 years ago I moved across the state to pursue my career. I left the people I knew and the life I was comfortable with. I threw myself into my job and while that has thrived it left little room socializing. I met a woman about 8 months ago and we have been dating for the last 6 months. She is wonderful in many ways and I care about her very much. I do love her, but I am just not in love with her. I am fairly certain I should have ended this months ago, and have tried a few times, but I can't handle the devastation this causes her(or in the case right now, would cause her)

I guess the main thing is she is 10 years my senior and has 2 children(they are great by the way), but has had her tubes tied(though she will go through a reversal surgery for me). I definitely want kids..of my own. She is 39 and obviously getting close to the point of no return for kids. I feel like this is the largest hold back for me(the children factor), but I can't possibly ask her to go through surgery for me if I am not certain she is the one for me. The more I wait, the less chance of her ever having children again, but I have to know. I've been in some long term relationships in the past and I know what it feels like to be head-over heels in love. I just don't feel that way. She always points out the many great things about "us" and tells me to wait it out, love will grow. Though I care about her very much and we are very compatible in many ways, it has been 6 months and I am not "more" in love with her.

What do I do?

If ending it is best, then how do I do it and hurt her as little as possible?

Is she right? Does love grow with time? Could I be just so tied up in the wanting children and not knowing if she can provide that for me that it is holding me back? That issue truly is the only "bad" thing I can say about her for me.

I have prayed about this a lot and I just can't get a conclusion. To make it worse all my friends love her, my family loves her and I'm stuck not knowing if I love her the way I should.

Advice, Prayers, Answers needed. Thanks in advance

 

[Midnight26]

Hi hon. I will be speaking from a woman's point of view. Trust me, I think you should end it. As a woman, I would hate to go years in a relationship (which I have been doing btw and recently kind of found out) that the guy is NOT fully head over heels in love with me. Because that would just mean that I was wasting my time (and i'm only 26 as of now, already feeling that way) when I could REALLY be loved. I actually posted about my situation on here too... Anyways, you really should tell her the exact truth that you said on here. Tell her how you know how it feels to be "head over heels" and that while you do care for her, you do not love her in that way, or "as she should be loved". And honestly, that should pretty much tell her it's time to move on. Yeah she will get hurt, but that's part of life and I strongly believe that it will hurt much more if she goes years and years with someone who does not love her like she wants. You don't have to bring the children thing into it, actually its probably best not to, so that she won't try to bend over backwards and do what she "thinks" would make you change your mind.

I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for you, I know this is hard, but I hope you can take what i've said to heart.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi krasman,
Welcome to CF.
That is one hard situation. One can't argue with Midnight, a very valid view.
Most of history tho people did get married by arrangement not for love. So your GF's point of view is also valid. But its what you want out of marriage too. What will make you happy.
Since you two have talked about this she may have already prepared herself somewhat for a break up.
God lead you.
dayhiker

 

[SionDS]

You are in a very difficult situation. Love definatly does grow over time, that said, her bio clock is ticking away.

It might an uncomfortable subject, but you should really think about the whole child situation. Why are step children not enough for you? If you have kids of your own with her, would they be your "favorite?" Would there be preferential treatment? If so, I really must say, I think that would be cruel.

I never had a step father/mother myself, but I have had friends who had, and their bond with their step children were just as strong as any biological bonds were.

If I ever found myself in a situation like yours, I would wait it out, but know full well that the waiting period could be longer than her...um.... fertility? And be satisfied with being a step father should it come to that. If she's a good catch, then she will be worth waiting for.