Last year I met someone online shortly after I realized sex wasn't filthy. Within marriage of course. I grew up with a skewed view of it, and so as an adult I began to struggle with confusion and hostility towards feelings of attraction, thinking they were dirty and something to be avoided. In the beginning of last year I began to struggle with intense feelings of loneliness that wouldn't go away. I literally had a physical sensation of a cold, hollow ache in the upper left part of my chest near my shoulder. I started a blog and Reddit and unleashed my raw thoughts on there hoping to find someone who understood or wanted to connect with me. Writing had become a great therapy tool for me, but it didn't take away the aching within.
In April 2018 I prayed to God about my desires and cried to Him to send me someone to connect with. In my heart I craved a male friend. I started to ask myself why it was so important to me, because Jesus should have been enough for me. I felt bad for wanting a human in my life so much when God loves me more than anyone ever could. I remember being at a playground near a pond and praying about my desire for a companion, and if it was not in His will for me to ever have a husband in my life--to help me accept and be content in Him alone.
I am not sure if God got fed up with me praying about it over and over again, but it seems He answered two weeks later.
I had made a post on Reddit and this guy commented and long story short we've been texting each other for almost 11 months. He is a believer too. We've developed feelings for each other and I like him a lot. We have talked about everything under the sun and I feel like I could talk to him for hours. In the beginning he shared a lot of stuff with me, and in turn it made me share stuff with him too. We shared secrets, talked about life and death, and exchanged childhood photos. It did something to my soul, like a healing balm. The icy ache I had melted away and for once I felt known. We've talked about meeting and hopefully we will this year sometime. But I don't know what God's will is.
Naturally my feelings have turned into a strong flame. I think I have fallen into lust or adultery. I started struggling with intense feelings of wanting to experience intimacy with him. I now struggle with masturbation when I was previously clean for 8 years. I sometimes have dreams about him and it draws me back into it. My emotions are involved and it is making it very hard to break from. A friend told me unclean spirits or demons are causing me to struggle with this and that I need to rebuke it. Others have warned me about soul-ties. I am worried this relationship is not God-sent or God is letting Satan play with me. I don't want to sin or live in sin. But my feelings for this person are so strong. I can't reconcile any of it anymore. How do I know? Do I have unclean spirits in my life? Is God angry at me? Does He want me to stop talking to him?
P.S. Before anybody jumps me and asks me how do I know this is not a 55 year old predator living in a basement, I have video messaged and voice called him and done internet research, and he is who he says he is.
P.S.S. I know I have not met him yet and that I can't know for sure if I truly like him yet, but after texting 11 months and sharing almost everything with each other, it's easy to develop some pretty strong feelings of attachment.
In April 2018 I prayed to God about my desires and cried to Him to send me someone to connect with. In my heart I craved a male friend. I started to ask myself why it was so important to me, because Jesus should have been enough for me. I felt bad for wanting a human in my life so much when God loves me more than anyone ever could. I remember being at a playground near a pond and praying about my desire for a companion, and if it was not in His will for me to ever have a husband in my life--to help me accept and be content in Him alone.
I am not sure if God got fed up with me praying about it over and over again, but it seems He answered two weeks later.
I had made a post on Reddit and this guy commented and long story short we've been texting each other for almost 11 months. He is a believer too. We've developed feelings for each other and I like him a lot. We have talked about everything under the sun and I feel like I could talk to him for hours. In the beginning he shared a lot of stuff with me, and in turn it made me share stuff with him too. We shared secrets, talked about life and death, and exchanged childhood photos. It did something to my soul, like a healing balm. The icy ache I had melted away and for once I felt known. We've talked about meeting and hopefully we will this year sometime. But I don't know what God's will is.
Naturally my feelings have turned into a strong flame. I think I have fallen into lust or adultery. I started struggling with intense feelings of wanting to experience intimacy with him. I now struggle with masturbation when I was previously clean for 8 years. I sometimes have dreams about him and it draws me back into it. My emotions are involved and it is making it very hard to break from. A friend told me unclean spirits or demons are causing me to struggle with this and that I need to rebuke it. Others have warned me about soul-ties. I am worried this relationship is not God-sent or God is letting Satan play with me. I don't want to sin or live in sin. But my feelings for this person are so strong. I can't reconcile any of it anymore. How do I know? Do I have unclean spirits in my life? Is God angry at me? Does He want me to stop talking to him?
P.S. Before anybody jumps me and asks me how do I know this is not a 55 year old predator living in a basement, I have video messaged and voice called him and done internet research, and he is who he says he is.
P.S.S. I know I have not met him yet and that I can't know for sure if I truly like him yet, but after texting 11 months and sharing almost everything with each other, it's easy to develop some pretty strong feelings of attachment.