Need help making sense of recent separation

[Sas31]

Im 31 and my wife is 30, we have been married for 3.5 years. We have two boys, 2.5 and 1. Everything seemed as normal as can be with both parents working and such young children. While we are often times stressed out, I just Accepted it as part of being a parent with young children. I only work 10 days per month but they are 24 hr shifts and leaves her with all the kid duties the days im gone. So 3 weeks ago she told me she was unhappy with our marriage. She agreed to counseling and I scheduled a session which went well in both of our opinions. The week following this was great in my opinion and she was upbeat and affectionate. Then I discovered while I was at work and she was "out at the beach with co-workers", there was a male co-worker whos older and single w no children. Most of her co worker friends she hangs out with have kids the same age as ours and enjoy the play dates. I told her I thought it was weird that he was always at these outings and that I didnt like it. She reassured me he was just a nice work friend to all of them. Then I discovered on our phone bill she had been talking to him for an hour or longer per night while I was at work. Many nights shed call me at work and say goodnight and how shes so tired and had to go to bed, then call him for an hour. I went to the next co-worker event, un-invited, and asked to talk to the guy. He came out, I shook his hand and introduced myself then asked him what was going on with he and my wife. He said I know you guys are having problems, i explained how I didnt think he was helping, and then I STRESSED to him the importance of leaving her alone in all ways possible. Problem is, I did this in front of her peers at the party.

We spent a few days talking little about everything. She was embarrassed and admitted it, i called our marriage counselor and she told me it was an emotional affair. By advice from my wifes mother and sister, she went to a counselor by herself. The next morning she told me she wanted a divorce. I flipped out and broke my hand on the wall (im truly not an agressive person, i just lost it, and no the kids werent there when it happened). 2 days after all of this she said she wanted to go to our next appointment with our marriage counselor, but wouldnt tell me why. An excruciating week later we met at the counselor and she unloaded on me with many small things that have happened in the last three years. Overall im just apparently not there for her emotionally, and she said we were a mistake and we dont share enough interests (which isnt entirely true). She said she had no hope for us and that she "didnt want to start her school year still married to me". This makes it sounds like shes trying to justify her affair to co workers by leaving me, doesnt it?

After counselor told her she though she was throwing in the towel too early, she agreed to a 6 MONTH separation! Will see the counselor every two weeks seperately and together every month. Only minimal contact allowed due to the children. She is usually close to her mother and sister and they say she wont even talk to them about it, and that she gets angry when they do. Is she mad at herself for the emotional affair? (her dad cheated on her mom and she despises him) Is she confused as to what married life is about (unconditional love and respect)? Do I have any sort of chance at reconciliation? I love my wife and boys dearly and i want them with me as a happy family. How do i continue with my life for 6 months? im so depressed, no motovation, i feel so abandoned. forgot to add, she has broken off the emotional affair relationship. Apparently i scared him enough to drop it anyway, even though i didnt threaten him in any way. He must have seen it in my eyes.

 

[Conservativation]

Separation if she lives alone w/ the kids, and the other guy in the picture is a terrible idea. If she lived with her folks or something, sure....but that contact wont go away until she rebukes it fully.

I was glad to see that you went and confronted the man and you may need to again, if he willfully keeps that contact, he is a threat you your family, including your kids, because the kids are better off with you and mom.

this can be worked out, but just separating and couseling wont IMO be the only things that need to happen. Yes, she was rationalizing her emotional affair, of course she is going to say you arent "there for her"...because of the newness phase in her emotional affair...its frankly not possible for you to recreate that, and thats her point of comparison. Its very alluring the newness the getting to know each other, the all nice all the tame AND no shared life to create points of disagreement.

Your problem summed up is her affair, yes you can work thru being more emotionally supportive and should, but you will never make her feel the exact thing that guy or any affair guy will, nor should you have to. She needs to change her priority to staid and stable commitment and away from the tingly stuff

 

[Sas31]

I agree there are plenty of areas I need to work on to be a better husband to her. It's just that I was never told they were issues until 3 weeks ago. As if she just assumed I couldn't change and gave up on me without giving me a chance. Why is she so cold towards me? I'm not the one who had an emotional affair, she is. It's as if she just wrote it off as my fault, as if I forced her to do what she did for not meeting her emotional needs. I just need some glimmer of hope in order to be motivated. I'm seriously depressed and don't even want to wake up in the morning because of all this. My question is, will this time apart most likely work for our marriage or against it?

 

[peacechild4]

I just want to say what a beautiful thing you did to confront that other guy ohhh how I wish more guys were brave like that.. and I can clearly see you obviously love your wife and family.. I guess the only thing to do is work on you.. find out how you can be a better husband.. better friend.. listen more.. etc.. I know it is never one sided.. there is always things we can work on and it helps pass the time... I don't know how close to GOD you are.. but I would encourage you to seek HIM with all you have... and get your comfort and guidance and wisdom from HIM.. you are going to counselling which is excellent... Pray.. seek GODS face.. unload to HIM.. and find your joy in HIM.. your life and heart HE can help lift and keep lifted up.. I know you want your family together I think only GOD can do all that impossible stuff.. HE will give you guidance.. I will pray.. its very hard.. but you need to work on keeping your spirits up.. make sure you look after you..

 

[Autumnleaf]

Separation leads to divorce overwhelmingly. Its a bad idea if you want your marriage to work. Divorce busters is a good online place for you to go. Go there and follow their advice.

 

[hijklmnop]

I agree there are plenty of areas I need to work on to be a better husband to her. It's just that I was never told they were issues until 3 weeks ago. As if she just assumed I couldn't change and gave up on me without giving me a chance. Why is she so cold towards me? I'm not the one who had an emotional affair, she is. It's as if she just wrote it off as my fault, as if I forced her to do what she did for not meeting her emotional needs. I just need some glimmer of hope in order to be motivated. I'm seriously depressed and don't even want to wake up in the morning because of all this. My question is, will this time apart most likely work for our marriage or against it?

I went through a similar situation and wanted to share a few things in hopes of offering you some encouragement. My h was the one cheating; I left him when I found out how far it had gone. He begged for me back for a few days, then suddenly went into full-on cold-hearted mode, insisting that we were not right for each other, shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, blabbed on and on about all the stuff I had apparently done wrong, that there was too much damage for us to be fixed, etc. He was completely writing everything off as my fault. He would say, "Obviously I shouldn't have been cheating," but then add the "BUT" and list off all my faults and mistakes and magnify HIS pain to justify his actions, as it sounds like your wife is still doing. He also refused to talk to others about it. He was still more interested in hiding his own shameful secrets and blaming our separation on ME than he was in being open, honest, humble and repentant. I also was honest and owning my mistakes, I just didn't want to be publicly raked over the coals for them and have his infidelity excused on account of my imperfections. I also could hardly get out of bed some days. He did this hardcore for a little over a month and when I had finally had enough of begging a brick wall to have a heart and decided to get back on my feet and make the most of my life with or without him (the "without" was completely his choice), his tune suddenly changed again. It was almost too late; I was almost to the point where nothing he said and did would matter to me anymore but God opened his eyes and his heart back up to me just in the nick of time.

So is there hope for you guys? ABSOLUTELY. She is probably having trouble dealing with/facing the guilt of what she has done. It's easier to blame you and fixate on your shortcomings. It gives her an excuse card to play for the bind you are all in now. Truth is, she has to take full responsibility for her own mistakes and how she has wronged you. That will cause her an immense amount of pain, but hopefully in time she'll be able to do it so you guys can heal. There is no excuse for cheating. True repentance will mean she will be able to apologize wholeheartedly with no "but's" and will dedicate herself to changing so as never to hurt you like that again. Our separation was a month of absolute heartbreak followed by a few months of very tentative conversation and warming up to each other again. VERY tentative. We each got individual counselling regularly for a few months before we got marriage counselling. We EACH needed to get on our own feet individually first before we were able to work constructively on the difficult parts of our relationship. Had we NOT had that time and space to deal with our own issues and with God on our own terms I think we wouldn't have changed as much as we each needed to. We each needed to make decisions, weigh options, and make God our first priorities again. I disagree that separation is always a bad idea. It's all in how you USE the time apart. We basically started over, slowly. We dated each other from scratch again. It was hard, but honestly, it was great, too. Be patient. If she wants and needs space, give it to her but if you don't want to give up on the marriage, don't. Seek God first and pray, pray, pray. Pray that she will turn back to you. You said the other guy is out of the picture; that's great. If he is, there is hope. I think it's awesome that you're getting counselling and hope she'll do the same, and that you guys can start coming back together in God's time, whatever that may be. I keep reminding myself that slow movement in the right direction is okay...it's a lifetime commitment so who cares who long it takes? We moved back in together after 6 months and have been doing great ever since.

Hang in there! Look to God, stick to your principles, and try to keep your life rich and full whether she's choosing to be in it right now or not.

 

[frankleespeaking]

Is there a way for you to change jobs, one that puts you at home more often, thus filling the void that she's looking to be filled. I would pray against this man and his attraction toward your wife, God hates divorce and those who cause it, your prayers will not fall on deaf ears in this case and you can by prayer move this guy right out of the picture, another visit out of the blue wouldn't hurt either, letting him know you will do whatever it takes to fix your marriage. I never understood people who would get involved with people married with children, no matter how screwed up their marriage is, Its got to be on Gods top ten of the most horrible sin's

 

[Sas31]

Dreamer1982, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my situation. I gives me that slight bit of hope that my thinking is correct. She and her sister despise their father for cheating on their mother. This is why I thought shed never be tempted to have an affair. Not only was I very surprised, I knew it was killing her inside. She had let herself down, and her entire family. To frankleespeaking, I'm not sure if another visit to him would be necessary. I'm a gentle giant, at 6'5 260lbs, not a mean bone in my body, but I was so angry when I first confronted him I was later told he was afraid for his life. I actually didnt even threaten him, I just got my point across.

 

[hijklmnop]

Dreamer1982, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my situation. I gives me that slight bit of hope that my thinking is correct. She and her sister despise their father for cheating on their mother. This is why I thought shed never be tempted to have an affair. Not only was I very surprised, I knew it was killing her inside. She had let herself down, and her entire family. To frankleespeaking, I'm not sure if another visit to him would be necessary. I'm a gentle giant, at 6'5 260lbs, not a mean bone in my body, but I was so angry when I first confronted him I was later told he was afraid for his life. I actually didnt even threaten him, I just got my point across.

I personally don't think another visit to the other man would be wise (and not just because you don't want a restraining order on top of all your other stresses). It needs to be your wife who tells him to stay away for the sake of your marriage. If the two of them only split up because he's afraid of you, you are only superficially and temporarily controlling this one situation, because the change needs to come from your wife's heart. OTOH, if he still has the gall to pursue her no matter what you say and she takes a firm NO MORE stance with him...that will speak volumes to you about where her intentions lie in terms of her marriage and other men. I have told other women off thinking I was helping with my h's "little" fidelity issue...but really I was only embarrassing myself. Once is understandable and plenty. Telling other women to back off (and in fact not letting them get so close in the first place as to end up in that situation) was my husband's duty. Lots of other people don't respect other people's marriages because they take the side of the spouse who's cheating and therefore most likely complaining about their marriage so as to excuse their behaviour...you can tell them to back off till they're blue in the face but they won't...not until the one they're interested in tells them the same, and follows through with firm action. I hope she does! She can still totally rectify the situation because your heart is still in it, which btw I totally respect.

 

[bella46]

Hello SAS31, I am sorry to hear your marriage is under attack. I too am separated from my husband and he also had an emotional affair. The issue is he doesnt see it as an affair as there was no physical aspect of their relationship he claims. Maybe your wife doesnt see it as an affair therefore doesnt think she has done anything wrong. To me an emotional affair has cut deeper than if he had actually been intimate physically with her. It is good that you continue going to counseling and hopefully she too will continue to go. Keep your eyes on the Lord and He will direct your path. There is a spiritual battle going on, the enemy is seeking to destroy families and lives but God is our mighty Fortress, pray for Him to help you. I have read two book that you may want to read The first one is a small little book called Why should I be the first to change by chuck and nancy missler and the second is Hope for the Separated. There is also ministry called divorce care that has a program called Choosing Wisely Before you Divorce. You may want to check their web site for a local church in you area that offers it. It is a very good program that may open your wifes eyes to the real fallout of divorce not only for the both of your but also for your children. Divorce affects everyone.I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[Conservativation]

Oh I think you need to visit the guy, for sure, not to do violence, but to close that side off. Think of it as simply as this....he is an outsider working mischief in your marriage, yea yea blah blah takes two to tango yadda yadda, i know all that and Im not even remotely saying he alone is the fault....I am saying though that for his part, he is making an overt CHOICE, an that choice attacks your family, he is attacking the sanctity of your family, home, kids everything.

So, just as if he were literally attacking, but sans a violent response (unless somehow you must defend yourself) sort this man out and how....She may get angry, so what, look whats happening now, and this is headed for bad potential, separation AND an emotional affair is recipe for them to lay on the phone saying "oh just 3 more weeks and we can be together"....and stuff like that. These emotions must wither and die, in her. Likely the guy doesnt care near as much

Besides, what kind of idiot cozies up to the wife of a man your size???? he is clearly lacking some aspect of logical thinking, and this is only partially tongue in cheek. These emotional affairs are really something, seeing them play out, they almost always follow the same path, the man gives her the confidence to reject her husband and divorce him, because she is getting all tingly emotionally from the guy "understanding" her.

 

[BlueJay83]

Sorry you are in such a rough situation, Im in a similar one.

also, i'm sorry this is such a brief post. I'm supposed to be working ut got distracted.

You did the right thing in confronting the guy, but in front of her co-workers was probably not a wise move.
Hey, i told a guy if he ever came by my house ininvited again to see my wife things wouldn't end well for him. I'm glad I did because it stopped the little affair they were starting.
Sadly, it doesn;t address the underlying issue of her having it in her heart to look elsewhere. So if your wife is unhappy, chasing off the people she has sought out isn;t going to change the fact she is seeking them out.

reconciliation is certainly a possibility, if you lay your cards on the table, let her know there is nothing more important to you then her.. I'm sure it can be fixed.
Maybe change jobs and have more time with your family?
Maybe commit to a date night and spend more time together?

My wife has played the "i dont realy love you and we were a mistake" card a few times and I've taken it as a fault with me. Somehow I was the one that needed to change.. little did i know I was being emotionally blackmailed. This turned not only into her having a physical affair, but an emotional "chat based" affair too. I guess we're i a similar boat.
I want things to be good and happy, I want my wife and family.. but there's only so much one can do before it becomes a doormat experience.

Only you know your situation and how the emotions play out and who ends up being the peacekeeper Vs. the peacemaker.

all the best bud.

 

[Bazman1]

Hi mate,

Going through the exact same thing. My wife left me as she said she didn't love me anymore. We are still friends (hiding the pain basically in the hope!).

Anyway, I have no idea if separaration always leads to divorce as some have said on this site. Plus what people forget is you have no control on your wife to stay just like me.

My wife however has gone one step further yep you guessed it she has another fella. He also is separated his wife is kicking up a lot of fuss. I don't want to argue with my wife as I worry I will lose her for good plus I worry I will lose contact with the children. Everyone seems to be amazed how cool I look but underneath it is killing me. I hide it from the children as best I can but I have just dropped them off and now won't see them again for a number of days. I can't think of anything worse right now than this I really can't.


You know separation divorce etc etc are just like bereavement it's like a death and the sting hurts now and it won't stop. I miss my wife but I realise she is in love with someone else and all she wants from me is a friend. I want her back just like you and so does God but the trouble is everyone forgets there is someone else in the relationship and if she doesn't want me then what on earth am I supposed to do!

 

[Bazman1]

Sorry you are in such a rough situation, Im in a similar one.

also, i'm sorry this is such a brief post. I'm supposed to be working ut got distracted.

You did the right thing in confronting the guy, but in front of her co-workers was probably not a wise move.
Hey, i told a guy if he ever came by my house ininvited again to see my wife things wouldn't end well for him. I'm glad I did because it stopped the little affair they were starting.
Sadly, it doesn;t address the underlying issue of her having it in her heart to look elsewhere. So if your wife is unhappy, chasing off the people she has sought out isn;t going to change the fact she is seeking them out. Only thing is I can't beat off the bloke she is with as I am frightened I will lose her. Sound ridiculous I know but at the moment I am running out of ideas.

reconciliation is certainly a possibility, if you lay your cards on the table, let her know there is nothing more important to you then her.. I'm sure it can be fixed.
Maybe change jobs and have more time with your family?
Maybe commit to a date night and spend more time together?

My wife has played the "i dont realy love you and we were a mistake" card a few times and I've taken it as a fault with me. Somehow I was the one that needed to change.. little did i know I was being emotionally blackmailed. This turned not only into her having a physical affair, but an emotional "chat based" affair too. I guess we're i a similar boat.
I want things to be good and happy, I want my wife and family.. but there's only so much one can do before it becomes a doormat experience.

Only you know your situation and how the emotions play out and who ends up being the peacekeeper Vs. the peacemaker.

all the best bud.

Totally 100% agree in exact same boat as you guys. It's not much consolation but there are people on this site going through the same thing.

I won't ask how you are all bearing up because I guess you probably feel as rubbish as me. All I can say is God is a good listener and he has comforted me in this time and will comfort you too. If there is consolation in it I have never felt so close to God than I do now.