Need help here!

[Liveingrace]

I had been in a christian relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months and we recently broke up.

We had gone through a 2/3 month rough patch and when I think everything was getting better he dropped a bomb on me.

I don't know what to do. We didn't exactly have god at the centre of our relationship .. although we wanted him there.

At the church we go to it seems that people that have been together for 2 months already know that they should get married. We were not at that stage yet. What is the matter with us??

So now he has panicked and is not sure whether we are right for each other because of that. Should we know whether it is right??

Anyway. Someone told him that because he is having doubts after 6 months about this fact that we are not right for each other. I don't think what that person was fair to say something like that.
We prayed together on tuesday for god to give clarity and peace if it is his will for us not to be together. then that person said that thing to him and he believes it is a sign. So he thinks that is right. I do not agree and I don't know what to do.

He does not feel a peace about it at all and it is not clear, he is still depressed.

Also before we went out he went out with a girl 4 years ago for 2 1/2 years and he loved her and this was outside a christian relationship. They broke up and she has now married someone.

He saw her on Monday night and still felt bitterness for her and sickness.
Does that mean he still loves her or does it mean that God is trying to tell him that he has not dealt with this yet?!

Is it fair for me to say to him that I want to be there for him through this difficult time or shall I let God and trust God to sort him out and let his will be done. I am not sure.

I believe I love him and want to be with him. But he is kind of pushing me away. What can I do, any advice??!!

I hope this all makes sense.

Laura
xx

 

[DaveKerwin]

Laura, nothing is wrong with you if you do not know God's will right away. I rarely know God's particular will before I make any decisions. What I do know is God's general will, which is his commands in the Bible. Sometimes you gotta make your own decisions, after you consult God and his word. The answer is almost never clear.

Now, what you should do at this point, I do not know. What I think you should do is examine yourself, and pray at length. See what you come up with and report back.

 

[katelyn]

Not everyone is ready or "knows" about marriage at the same point in time. My husband and I dated two years before we got engaged. I didn't feel strange because of it...in fact I felt glad that we didn't rush into anything.

There are also sometimes things in a person's life (for example, your boyfriend not being healed from his past relationship) that prevent them from being ready for commitment.

Maybe he just needs some time.

 

[desi]

He probably still likes her. He wouldn't have dated her for 2 1/2 years if there wasn't something there. Then again, he wouldn't have dropped her for you if there wasn't something there.

 

[Liveingrace]

it's difficult, i'm confused.

 

[Liveingrace]

I am seeing him tonight. I think he is trying to be friends but I would like more. I am so confused it is eating away at me!!

Laura.

 

[E-beth]

It seems that he is putting alot of weight on what other people are telling him. One thing that you honestly have to follow your own heart on (and God's advice) is the act of marriage.

Just because you follow God doesn't mean you will have peace about it. Sometimes God requires a difficult choice, but when you follow Him regardless, He will bless you.

I would say give him some time. If he wants to be friends, then be his friend. If he wants to date others, cling to God for support and don't stop him. It might just be that he is incapable of making such a committment as marriage or engagement and feels he must take a step like that to be involved with you, as that seems to be the way he is pressured to be by these other people. Once he is ready to settle down and be with whomever he really cares about, without any marriage goal in mind, he may be more open to committing to you to have a relationship beyond friendship.

My advice is to let him steer your relationship for now, but make sure he knows that you enjoy dating him and being involved with him, without the marriage thing being involved.

 

[Liveingrace]

Can I just add, that he didn't meet up with his ex he just saw her in the street and felt sick.

The situation at the moment is that we have sorted through a few things. Yet another person around us has just got engaged with his girlfriend after only a month of going out and they are getting married in September. So this is adding pressure to him on our relationship.

At the moment we are together but not. We are keeping it quiet from church. It's just so noone else is butting in I guess. Close friends know.

He said about the marriage thing that he does want to settle down but he wants to make sure things are right between us. He kind of said that he wants to do things the christian way, whatever that means?! He reckons cos everyone else is getting married after a short time that cos we are not ready yet or sure that maybe we are not right.
Which I am slowly getting him to realise that, that is not the way. It's when we are right. We have made an agreement to take things really slow until we are sure.
Also I have been praying for him.

He turned round to me the other night and realised something that I had already told him. He said that he didn't love his ex girlfriend and didn't realise he wanted to marry her until 18 months and would not have been able to marry her after 6 months.

I put forward to him that we take the risk of being together, nothing ventured nothing gained and we can work these things out, together.
He does want to try. But he did say in the first place that he wanted to take a risk the other way that he wanted to break up with me to see if he can miss me and feel as if it is right. Which I think is the wrong way round. He is very confused at the moment. I do not blame him. I don't think he is ready for marriage right now anyway.
These problems and issues do not go away in marriage and the grass is not greener on the other side. I just hope and pray these fears go away in him and the pressure goes away.

what do people think on what I just wrote. Sorry it is long.

Laura
xx

 

[charligirl]

You do sound like you are in a confusing situation. First I would like to agree with the others, there is no reason why you should 'know' within 6 months so don't stress about that. However it seems that this is not really the issue here.

The first issue is that it sounds like he certainly is not ready for marriage anyway, perhaps you are not either. You also do not have God in the centre of your relationship so it's no wonder you are both so uneasy and feel like He hasn't said anything about it.

Secondly you have been dating just 6 months but you say half of that was rocky! That doesn't sounds like a good place to be.

Thirdly he obviously is still carrying scars and unresolved issues from his past relationship that he would need to deal with before embarking on a serious relationship with a view to marriage.

I would suggest that a break, remaining friends if possible, is a good thing at this time. you both need space to seek God and reaaly face up to what you want from this, tp see if you are really ready for a seriosu relationship at the moment. Pray and ask God to guide you, submitt it all to Him. A really good book about this is 'should I get married' by M Blain Smith http://www.gospelcom.net/nehemiah/marriage.htm

 

[Liveingrace]

The rough patch was my fault. I went through a bout of depression where I put him through a lot. Yes, he was there for me in this time but it was a burden to him. We had some good times in it. But it is what I called a rough patch. It's the point of coming through it.

But yeah I know what you mean. We should be seeking god at this time. We are trying to sort through some things.

I am not forcing marriage anyway. I want us to be together and think about these things when we are ready.

I know me and him can sort through things I feel it is right.

 

[desi]

My gut instinct is to date someone else to make him jealous but I don't feel God giving me a vibe here.

 

[Whitestone]

My suggestion don't date anyone else. If you do that to make him jealous it will be very difficult for him to trust you again.

My take on this is that your BF is not over the ex and that is why he has so many emotions when he saw her. The other impression I get is that because of the emotions that were stirred up by seeing her again, have made him nervous about relationships and hence why it may seem to be why he is pushing you away.

Nicest way to say this is that I think he has baggage and until he can let that go he will not be happy.

My advice to you, is be consistant with him, let him know he can rely on you. As a friend this will do him the most good. As to having a relationship with him put that in God's hands, if he wants you than more than a friend great, if he does not God will bless you with someone special eventually. You may have to be patient though.

This is just my 2 cents

Whitestone