Your husband is sick. It doesn't excuse the abuse.
First let's get some clarity. Adderall is for ADHD and Effexor treats Major Depressive Disorder (although it can also be used for generalized anxiety). I am not seeing him and don't know his case, but I can say that some people exhibit depression by getting mean to family members. How long do you think he has been depressed?
Now let's look at inner clarity. Basically, what are you feeling, and what do you want? Be very specific. I feel ___ that ___ because ____. What I want is for him to
1.
2.
3.
And if he won't the this is what I will do next. ______________
These questions might help you with this:
How do you feel about him being online in social media winking at other women?
Same for other forms of abuse and degradation...
Do you think he is serious about leaving? Why or why not?
Why are you letting him decide whether he leaves or stays, when you have the option of kicking him out or leaving yourself?
Do you want him gone? This is probably the most important question.
Or do you think this toxic relationship is okay?
Is there any way besides a split up that can stop this toxic way of interacting, i.e. responding in an assertive fashion?
I can tell you this much. You can't control what he does. He is depressed and probably taking it out on you. If he has truly decided to leave you, it's not likely you will be able to stop him, and honestly if it's as bad as you say, won't that be something of a relief? You can always ask for marriage counseling, but I intuit that he's not going to be interested.
It is very easy once the abuse starts to fall into a "role" of the abuse victim, where you simply excuse the abuse, feel you deserve it, tell yourself it's more important to stay together than to be treated like a human being, etc. It's all lies -- don't give in to them, don't allow such thoughts to become habits. You deserve to be treated WELL. Even if he is depressed it doesn't excuse him treating you badly.
Let's say he is not really serious about leaving, and you are very much in love with him, and you hate divorce, and you want to stick it out until the depression abates. Then I suggest you get a counselor as well to learn assertiveness skills so that you can set good boundaries and stick up for yourself, and basically cope with his disfunction.
One more thing. About the 'withholding" stuff. Only you know if you are denying him or not. Men's sexuality is like a light switch. Women are like a motherboard. We need things just right in order to work properly. If we've been up all night with a screaming kid and know that in ten minutes we have to get up and get everyone breakfast, it isn't going to happen for us. If he's calling you bad ugly names and degrading you and then telling you to come to bed, I'm not sure if its that you are choosing not to so much as it that you simply CAN'T. So it's between you and God. If he gossips about you, it's just one other sin on his list of evils. Deal with it assertively.
