Need Advice

[Tamara224]

So..... there's this guy who's crushing on me. We go to church together and I'm friends with his sister. I'm not at all attracted to him. For one thing, he's 11 years younger than me. But... I made the mistake of going on a date with him back in August (long story, but I didn't realize I was agreeing to a date). I told him I wasn't interested but he is obviously still interested in me.

He tries to flirt with me, sit by me, touch me, etc, etc, etc. But he hasn't said anything again.

So... I'm wondering... should I say something? Like "I know you still like me, but it's really not going to happen so please stop".

Or should I just ignore it until his crush goes away?

 

[Oddish]

I would suggest talking to him about it, hopefully he will get the message the second time round.

 

[Riddik7]

tell him strait out... dont do any of the whole trying not to tred on his fealings crap... believe me guys confuse stuff easily the wrong way... just tell the guy. Most guys cant even tell what you mean unless you give it to them bluntly... and i can vouche for myself... i hate it when a girl is trying to be to nice... i just want things told to me bluntly honestly and flat out

 

[GQ Chris]

Maybe you can have the "I love you... but like a little brother" conversation with him.

 

[LoneSheep]

Yeah just be honest with him. He may have it so stuck in his mind that you two are going to date that he doesn't hear you saying no. Guys can be hard of hearing in that way sometimes

 

[radhead]

It's always best to hint. If you can refer to your situation in an intelligent way when you are around him, it shows that you are being tactful.

But of course that doesn't always work.

 

[gzt]

Just make sure that, whatever you say, it's clear and unambiguous that you're not romantically interested in him. Maybe explain that there are bound to be other women in Wyoming somewhere. Or just the first part, that's the key, really, because men are sometimes very dense and need it spelled out. The bit about other women in Wyoming is probably a lie, there's a good chance he's met all the ones in his age bracket...

 

[LoneSheep]

That's true! Maybe it's time to move to PA!

 

[GQ Chris]

Tell him your burly, ex-convict boyfriend is finally getting out of jail.

 

[Stravinsk]

So..... there's this guy who's crushing on me. We go to church together and I'm friends with his sister. I'm not at all attracted to him. For one thing, he's 11 years younger than me. But... I made the mistake of going on a date with him back in August (long story, but I didn't realize I was agreeing to a date). I told him I wasn't interested but he is obviously still interested in me.

He tries to flirt with me, sit by me, touch me, etc, etc, etc. But he hasn't said anything again.

So... I'm wondering... should I say something? Like "I know you still like me, but it's really not going to happen so please stop".

Or should I just ignore it until his crush goes away?

You could say something like that to make things clear. But he may not believe you...

The reason I say that is that for me personally - if a woman does not respond to my interest - if she refused to make eye contact, give nothing but terse replies to general probing questions (like "how has your day been") or in general has the look like she's trying to be polite but you can tell she's headed for the exit - then I lose interest. I don't pursue if she's not giving me some reason to that tells me she is interested.

Maybe other guys are different, but it may be that you are doing something that he percieves as interest from you, even on a subconscious level. If you don't shrink away at his touch, for instance, but freeze or take pleasure in it(knowing he knows that you know he likes you) - he would take something like that as a signal that you *are* interested but just won't admit it to yourself. If you show, in any way, that you are pleased with his interest in you, or his attention toward you, if you show you are flattered, if you think it is "cute" - he may be encouraged.

Again, maybe other guys are different. But if I meet someone and consistantly get the polite but cold shoulder I don't have a problem taking the hint and my interest certainly wanes.

 

[ido]

I would take him aside and tell him that his flirting and touching make you uncomfortable. Let him know that you are happy to be friends with him, but that you prefer your guy friends to be a little less flirtatious and touchy/feely.

 

[lostaquarium]

You're probably being way too nice in an effort not to hurt him It's lovely of you, but might be misleading. Try being politely cold, and if that doesn't work, just be cold. He has to know how you feel.

 

[h3sean]

Say it straight. He has no chance, and you're not interested. Period

 

[Tamara224]

I've been trying to be colder with him... it's difficult. I forget and smile at him and I think he takes it as encouragement. Apparently, he doesn't notice that I'm just a smiley person and I smile at everyone. But I do try to keep my distance... like a couple weeks ago I ended up going to lunch with his family and a couple other friends after church. I chose a seat next to his sister and then he came over and chose the seat next to me (and he was so obvious about it). I was like "uh-oh" so I moved to the other side of the table. He pouted for like ten minutes and looked all hurt. But I thought he'd gotten the message. But this week at church he was trying to flirt with me again. And then I ended up having to change my seating plans during church so I wasn't sitting next to him.

Maybe I'll make up a pretend boyfriend and start gushing about how great he is...


What do you all think about if I asked his soon-to-be brother-in-law to say something to him for me? Is that too 7th grade? (For a lawyer, I'm ridiculously non-confrontational about some things ).

 

[gzt]

Oh, good grief. Just tell it to him straight. Being cold can be misinterpreted and is sometimes hard to keep up. You can pull him aside and solve this in two sentences. "Look, I know you like me, but I'm just not interested in you. I don't appreciate the attention and it makes me uncomfortable." He might cry. But, as a man, he will appreciate the blunt honesty.

 

[LoneSheep]

Well that guy sure is persistent, isn't he?

Sometimes a flame needs to quenched with water when hitting it with a pillow won't do. Tell him what's going on and don't leave him any doors open to keep following you around. Men love looking for open doors and knocking on the ones that are closed. Eventually they get annoyed and leave.

 

[Tamara224]

Oh, good grief. Just tell it to him straight. Being cold can be misinterpreted and is sometimes hard to keep up. You can pull him aside and solve this in two sentences. "Look, I know you like me, but I'm just not interested in you. I don't appreciate the attention and it makes me uncomfortable." He might cry. But, as a man, he will appreciate the blunt honesty.

He might cry?! Maybe I really should have his BIL do it for me.

Okay, okay, I'm just joking.

But seriously... ugh. He better not cry.

 

[Allen1901]

So..... there's this guy who's crushing on me. We go to church together and I'm friends with his sister. I'm not at all attracted to him. For one thing, he's 11 years younger than me. But... I made the mistake of going on a date with him back in August (long story, but I didn't realize I was agreeing to a date). I told him I wasn't interested but he is obviously still interested in me.

He tries to flirt with me, sit by me, touch me, etc, etc, etc. But he hasn't said anything again.

So... I'm wondering... should I say something? Like "I know you still like me, but it's really not going to happen so please stop".

Or should I just ignore it until his crush goes away?

It sounds like he needs to learn to respect boundaries.
He shouldn't be touching you if you don't want him to.
God Bless!

 

[Inkachu]

See, you can't win when you ask other guys for advice about things like this.

If you're upfront, they'll say you're going to crush his ego and completely destroy his feelings.

If you don't say anything, they'll say you're sending mixed signals and playing with his emotions.

Good luck!

MY advice is to not say anything, but make it obvious by not returning the flirting, that you aren't interested in anything.

 

[Quoth]

So..... there's this guy who's crushing on me. We go to church together and I'm friends with his sister. I'm not at all attracted to him. For one thing, he's 11 years younger than me. But... I made the mistake of going on a date with him back in August (long story, but I didn't realize I was agreeing to a date). I told him I wasn't interested but he is obviously still interested in me.

He tries to flirt with me, sit by me, touch me, etc, etc, etc. But he hasn't said anything again.

So... I'm wondering... should I say something? Like "I know you still like me, but it's really not going to happen so please stop".

Or should I just ignore it until his crush goes away?

I was in this exact situation from HIS side of things a while ago. The best way to handle it (from my view) is to take him aside and say something like this:

"Hey 'Bob', I realize that you like me, but I don't feel the same way. I'm willing to be your friend, so long as we're very clear that it's always going to be just a friendship. I consider you as a friend, but I'm not interested in dating you. Okay?"