Need advice

[HopingForJesus]

Because of my mental illness, I am still battling blasphemy in my mind at times. It is frustrating for me, and now I doubt myself even more. I am not sure why I am still dealing with this since I have since I was a little kid.
I want to Love God the way the Bible says to. I feel as if my fear is getting in the way, and didn't know if anyone has gone through this. What if I hate God subconciously and that is why I am cursing at God or saying negative things in my head at him. I am confused. I don't want the fear of hell to be the only reason I am wanting to be closer to him. I wanted to stop sinning all the time. I want to know God, but not just because of fear. Perhaps I have some unresolved anger issues, but I don't feel really angry. I feel more numb. I prayed this morning and I am hoping he answers my prayer. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I have to hold out hope each and every day and I am not all that well. God bless each one of you and may He heal your hearts and minds.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I really believe this is just an OCD thing which is borne out of the fear of the blaspehmy, not any deep-seated "anything" (anger or otherwise) For me, it was just when I could consider any intrusive thoughts that I knew I didn't want to just be "mind clutter" the quicker they dissipated. The more spiritual significance or fear I attached to them, the stronger they would become. And conversely, the opposite was true. The more I could just ignore, realizing they really meant nothing, the quicker they left. If these are thoughts you don't want to have, then I think it's nothing more than just your OCD acting up. The fear is usually what drives them. Again, the more you can assign less importance to them, the more they will diminish. Praying for you!

 

[keryakos]

Whenever one comes to God whether before or after conversion he meets you where you are as you are with all your faults fears desires lack of desire all of it ..

We can do nothing to prepare ourselves to meet God ...

he understands your illness

 

[HopingForJesus]

Thank you guys. This OCD stuff gets so old sometimes. I am trying to ignore the thoughts and still hoping they will go away. It gets so exhausting. It is hard when I try to analyze everything like is this all set into motion because of fear, or deep down am I just a bad person.
I hope and pray that you guys are right. Hopefully, one day I will be in better control of this. God bless