Need Advice & Support

[Bethers]

My husband has an addiction to pornography. When I initially discovered the problem he had many subscriptions to pornography websites, multiple fake email addresses to conceal his actions, personal ads on yahoo dating, and subscriptions to several extramarital affair websites. Needless to say, I was absolutely devistated. We had only been married for a year and a half. Most of that time, my husband was very ill and I was not really his main focus - and it was obvious. During his illness, I went to college, worked and stood by his side praying for the lord to help us through. Once I discovered what he really had been up to all this time we were spending apart due to his illness, I was sickened myself by the thought. He still claims to this day that he never cheated on me, Praise God! During this last year since the initial discovery, I have, on occasion become overwhelmed by thoughts that I need to go check his computer. Everytime I have been directed to do so, I have discovered more pornography. I have tried to be loving, forgiving, understanding, and most of all, willing to rebuild the trust that we lost. I personally sought counselling at my university until the counselor wanted to take a secular approach to things that contradicted my faith. He cannot seem to stop looking at porn, masterbating and lying; or understand that everytime he does this it throws the trust right out the window. I do not know what to do anymore. I am so tired of having these talks that go nowhere, just to end up right back at point A again. He also does not believe me that I felt compelled to check his computer out of nowhere. I can't explain the intensely overwhelming feeling I get. I truely feel that it is god helping to bring his lies and addiction to light. My husband thinks that I just have nothing better to do with my time. What he doesn't understand is that normally, I don't think about his addiction. Most days, its the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, I pray for him every night, but his addiction does not consume me. That is why I feel that God tells me when something is awry.. Is this possible? Or am I really subconsiously causing myself all this hurt over his issue? My husband also thinks that I am being ridiculous because it has taken me so long to "get over it". He is my husband, my one and only and I could NEVER imagine myself being with anyone else, and thats why I think it hurts so bad. It is so hard to let it all go when it just keeps coming back again and again. I want for us to have a happy, healthy marriage, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help our marriage. Does anyone have any advice or any bible verses that might help shed some light on my situation? I am in the process of finding a church in my area with my husband. I hope that maybe we can seek some christian marital counseling once we find our church "home". Sorry for such a long post, I've been carrying all that around for too long. If anything, thanks for letting me get all that off my heart.

 

[madison1101]

Is your husband a Christian? I suggest that you both attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting. Go to www.celebraterecovery.com to learn more about it.

Addiction is a horrible thing, regardless of what it is. You need to learn as much as you can about it, and that you cannot control it or him. You may also wish to attend Al-Anon meetings for help in detaching.

I speak from having had a son addicted to heroin, and I, myself, am a recovering alcoholic.

God bless.
Trish

 

[Solidlyhere]

Hubby reads porn.

The OP said: "Most days, it's the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, I pray for him every night, but his addiction does not consume me."

This is a BIG blessing for you.

As you know (for you): Why don't you just Let Go of your worrying about his pastime?
You clearly want to spend the rest of your Life with him.
Well, everyone does things which are not perfect.

Somehow, though, many people seem to grade porn usage as a worse sin.
But, sin is sin.

What I would do is:
1) Never bring up his pastime; and
2) Never ask him if he is still doing it.

This way, Hubby will never have to lie to you.
This will help salvage your Trust.

Truly, the only reason to keep discussing it is if you are seriously considering a divorce.
And, since you are not thinking about that, silence is golden.
Each person has some "secrets."
Most people have little secrets.
I hope you can eventually see this as just a little secret.
This may assist your Hubby in many ways.
And, it may improve the quality of your marriage.

I am sorry that you have been injured by this activity.
I hope that you will overcome this difficulty, and live happily ever after.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Try not to condemn him for looking at porn... remember, using it is not the same as an addiction, always try to talk to him calmly and rationally about why you are upsert about it, the instant you start condemning, the shutters come down. Finally, seek professional couple's counselling.

Good luck.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

I don't know if your sudden bursts of suspicion are from God or not, but since you have never been proven wrong, yet, I don't think you need to worry about it being inappropriate. It seems like your husband doesn't understand the hurt he is causing you. I agree with tapero and your own advice to seek outside support/counseling. You have probably talked about this over and over, but ask your husband how he would feel if you spent your time looking at naked men and fantasizing, would he be O.K with that?

 

[kdrmckinney]

Good morning. I am very sorry for this situation in your life. I take a harder stand against pornography than some -- it seeps in and destroys the mind, then the heart, then the soul. Still, you love your husband and this is to his great benefit. He is not loving you as Christ loved the church and I would suggest a trial separation with counsel for each of you alone and together. It is good that this does not consume you, but I believe it would get to a point that it would destroy you if all continues as is.

May God guide, bless and support you both.

Denise M

 

[Bethers]

Hubby reads porn.

The OP said: "Most days, it's the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, I pray for him every night, but his addiction does not consume me."

This is a BIG blessing for you.

As you know (for you): Why don't you just Let Go of your worrying about his pastime?
You clearly want to spend the rest of your Life with him.
Well, everyone does things which are not perfect.

Somehow, though, many people seem to grade porn usage as a worse sin.
But, sin is sin.

What I would do is:
1) Never bring up his pastime; and
2) Never ask him if he is still doing it.

This way, Hubby will never have to lie to you.
This will help salvage your Trust.

Truly, the only reason to keep discussing it is if you are seriously considering a divorce.
And, since you are not thinking about that, silence is golden.
Each person has some "secrets."
Most people have little secrets.
I hope you can eventually see this as just a little secret.
This may assist your Hubby in many ways.
And, it may improve the quality of your marriage.

I am sorry that you have been injured by this activity.
I hope that you will overcome this difficulty, and live happily ever after.

I am not sure if looking the other way is the way to handle this. Pornography is just not acceptable to me or God. I feel if I never ask him about his addiction, and therefore he never has to lie to me, I am enabling him to sin. By allowing him to continue to "secretly" indulge in pornography I am essentially tacitly accepting his lies and sins. I don't think God would think it is alright to hedonistically indulge in our sins, as long as we weren't forced to lie about it. Yes, Sin is Sin, and they are all equally a sin. But, I cannot allow him to continue on this destructive path.

 

[Bethers]

Yes, he is a Christian. Maybe we should look into recovery programs. It can't hurt. Thanks!

 

[BrBob]

I am not sure if looking the other way is the way to handle this. Pornography is just not acceptable to me or God. I feel if I never ask him about his addiction, and therefore he never has to lie to me, I am enabling him to sin. By allowing him to continue to "secretly" indulge in pornography I am essentially tacitly accepting his lies and sins. I don't think God would think it is alright to hedonistically indulge in our sins, as long as we weren't forced to lie about it. Yes, Sin is Sin, and they are all equally a sin. But, I cannot allow him to continue on this destructive path.

I think the point is that if you do not bring it up to him and don't talk about it unless he brings it up, you are truly giving to to God and truly trusting God to work in your husband's heart.

There are times when someone is trying to help another that the helper can inadvertently take the place of the Holy Spirit in the life of the person they are trying to help. That is counterproductive in that the work is being done in man's strength, not God's.

I don't really know if this is the case in your situation but I believe that it is what Solidly here is trying to say...

By the way, I have to disagree about any separation. A separation is a last-resort tactic for saving a marriage and not to be used in any other way.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

 

[Bethers]

I think the point is that if you do not bring it up to him and don't talk about it unless he brings it up, you are truly giving to to God and truly trusting God to work in your husband's heart.

There are times when someone is trying to help another that the helper can inadvertently take the place of the Holy Spirit in the life of the person they are trying to help. That is counterproductive in that the work is being done in man's strength, not God's.

I don't really know if this is the case in your situation but I believe that it is what Solidly here is trying to say...

By the way, I have to disagree about any separation. A separation is a last-resort tactic for saving a marriage and not to be used in any other way.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

That makes alot more sense when you put it that way. I hadn't thought about that. He really needs to rely on God, and not me to solve this. Thanks for shedding some light on this!

 

[Tenebrae]

www.xxxchurch.com. Dont worry its not another dodgy porn site, its mainly working with christian men, however they also work with women. Your best bet is to have a look around and maybe show it to your hubby


I've had a quick gander round the site, it seems to deal with the issues in a very frank and non confrontative way

 

[Tenebrae]

http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/x3watch.php

They also have a thing called accountability software which keeps a note of any potentially dodgy sites and sends it to an accountability partner (who is of the persons choosing)

 

[Bethers]

Wow, I will definately check this out. Thanks!

 

[Tenebrae]

Wow, I will definately check this out. Thanks!

All the best. Its not an easy situation at the best of times

 

[tturt]

This was brought up on another website and this was posted http://www.porn-free.org/ spouse info included

You're in our prayers.

 

[Bethers]

Thank you all for all the great advice and resources. I have alot of researching to do. Thank you all for your prayers and support.