Need advice on me

[cambiar]

Hello everyone....

This is my first post. I came to this site hoping "to change" myself (thus my screen name "cambiar" which is spanish for "to change." by the way, i'm not spanish... in case u were wondering. ) I was careful to choose the right type of christian forum, because I am a reformed Christian and I am wary about the different theological views. I hope I joined the right one, because I wanted to join the largest reformed christian forum community.

anyway..... 'nuff about that....

I need advice on myself. I am currently in an on-again relationship (my only bf EVER) and this time around, I am recognizing things about myself that may have drove my bf away the first time.

Well, my bf is a baptist christian, and there's no conflict as far as faith is concerned. The problem is, that I noticed just last night that I want to know EVERYTHING about him and he wants his SPACE. To me, it doesn't make much sense on why he would prefer to do anything alone, or even not tell me everything. I have NOTHING to hide from him, and I would rather SHARE any thought or activity than be by myself. So, I know that sounds unhealthy... since we should have our alone time to do QT's.... (which I would understand if that's what he wanted to do.) But nooooo, I get the feeling that he would rather do things by himself, rather than TALK to me on his every spare moment. So...... I know that it's irrational of me to WANT him to want to talk to me on every spare moment he has...... but i can't seem to understand how I've become such a person. If any other person were to tell me that she also has a problem with wanting to be with her bf 24/7..... I could see how that could be unhealthy....... but is it???

I do believe that what really broke us up the first time, was this kind of nature from me that he wanted to withdraw from.

I am trying not to be such a gf again.... but I am finding it difficult to understand his DESIRE to be alone. I acknowledge that he could be less attracted to me since we did break up before.

So..... am I crazy? Or am I just with the wrong person? Are there men out there who would feel the same as I do? wanting to do everything and anything TOGETHER?


We have dated almost a year previously (just shy of a few days of a 1 year anniversary of dating.) and now, we've been back together for about 3-4 months.................

Please share any thoughts or wisdom that u may have...... I'm really feeling desperate on whether to break up with him over this....... I feel so unwanted when he wants his alone time.

 

[peanutbutter12]

People need time to themselves sometimes, and if you smother them and not give them the time they want, they will want less and less to spend time with you because every time they do, they will feel trapped.

On the other side of that, if you two got serious and decided to look forward to marriage, there is no "I need a break from this" in marriage. Granted, we all need our alone time, time to hang out with the boys, time to sit back and have a cold one, but we should also enjoy our time together with our better half.

My question is, how much free time does he need exactly? If he only wants to see you once a week, there is a problem there and the relationship is going nowhere.

 

[intricatic]

You've joined one of the most postmodern forums on the interwebs. Congratulations!

 

[Blank123]

People need time to themselves sometimes, and if you smother them and not give them the time they want, they will want less and less to spend time with you because every time they do, they will feel trapped.

On the other side of that, if you two got serious and decided to look forward to marriage, there is no "I need a break from this" in marriage. Granted, we all need our alone time, time to hang out with the boys, time to sit back and have a cold one, but we should also enjoy our time together with our better half.

My question is, how much free time does he need exactly? If he only wants to see you once a week, there is a problem there and the relationship is going nowhere.

You've joined one of the most postmodern forums on the interwebs. Congratulations!

between these two guys there's really nothing for me to say...

 

[Gardener101]

People need time to themselves sometimes, and if you smother them and not give them the time they want, they will want less and less to spend time with you because every time they do, they will feel trapped.

On the other side of that, if you two got serious and decided to look forward to marriage, there is no "I need a break from this" in marriage. Granted, we all need our alone time, time to hang out with the boys, time to sit back and have a cold one, but we should also enjoy our time together with our better half.

My question is, how much free time does he need exactly? If he only wants to see you once a week, there is a problem there and the relationship is going nowhere.

What's wrong with seeing each other once a week for one year?

 

[peanutbutter12]

What's wrong with seeing each other once a week for one year?

Because most people date looking for someone to marry. Unless they plan on dating for about 5 years, it's not really healthy. But then, I'm sure there have been some out there who could probably beg to differ. There are always exceptions. *shrugs*

There is a difference between not seeing someone and not *wanting* to see someone though. A big difference...

 

[cambiar]

People need time to themselves sometimes, and if you smother them and not give them the time they want, they will want less and less to spend time with you because every time they do, they will feel trapped.

On the other side of that, if you two got serious and decided to look forward to marriage, there is no "I need a break from this" in marriage. Granted, we all need our alone time, time to hang out with the boys, time to sit back and have a cold one, but we should also enjoy our time together with our better half.

My question is, how much free time does he need exactly? If he only wants to see you once a week, there is a problem there and the relationship is going nowhere.

Exactly! this is how my mind was thinking. I had told him from the beginning of dating, that I don't date casually. That I date for marriage. And he seemed to agree to that as well. I thought we were on the same page about it. So I always considered our relationship to be serious.... and we talked about marriage and dreams. I guess, although we weren't even engaged yet.... my state of mind was in an engaged mode. But I think he was unsure, cuz one time.... during our previous relationship.... he asked, "are u going to marry me?" just like that, out of the blue while he was driving and i was in the shotgun seat. i shot back at him, "IS THIS A PROPOSAL???!!!"
and I explained that he'll get an answer from me when it's a proposal.... so to me, that was just sooooo unromantic........ and especially, after being in a serious relationship for quite some time, to hear such uncertainty from his lips was mind boggling. i mean, isn't it WEIRD that he would want to SECURE that i was going to say "yes" BEFORE he decided to propose??? Then, what the hey is a proposal all about if he already knew that I would say yes?????

Besides..... I just couldn't understand how he couldn't be certain that i would say yes...... i mean, after alllll our talks about marriage, how could he even be so unsure?????

anyway........................... that was before........................ and now... it's different. I am more careful now..... not to give him my heart so easily................. I just neeed to learn how to have a lesser grip on him............ seriously.... I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where this relationship is headed................ the last time i brought it up.... which was a month after we got back together, he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me cuz he doesn't know if someone better might come along........ so i was so angry that i broke up with him AGAIN.......... but couldn't stand the thought of being without him, and we were back together again within 24 hours......... i know..... it's terrible...........


but since then........ i've avoided this "talk" and have not caused any drama.......... so it's been 3-4 months......... pretty placid................ :o


as for the answer to Terrasin's question about how much space he wants..... I donno..... I give him all the space he needs now. We have been forced into an LDR 3 months ago because of his job, and so far.......... he's been calling me everyday at least once. I rarely call him cuz I donno what his schedule is like, and I don't wanna disturb him. So, since he does make an effort to call me at least once a day, I guess that's a sign of "want." Or maybe not...... I just have no clue................ I'm really puzzled about our relationship........ .it's just very undefined at this point...................... next month I'll be flying to have a job interview at his city, and he said, "Oh, I get to see u earlier than planned!" Cuz he's been telling me to save the date to go to his friend's wedding in December....... I just donnoo........... I'm just bleh...............................................................................................

 

[BoxBunny]

It is important to be independant in a relationship and not loose who you are in it. This guy was first attracted to you because he saw an individual he could care about, but sometimes when relationships get too clingy and are only about spending every waking moment together the individual gets lost within this new couple entity. You've lived without this guy for the bulk or your life, had your own experiences, adventures, and tragedies. You don't want to forget about that girl.

 

[Blank123]

anyway........................... that was before........................ and now... it's different. I am more careful now..... not to give him my heart so easily................. I just neeed to learn how to have a lesser grip on him............ seriously.... I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where this relationship is headed................ the last time i brought it up.... which was a month after we got back together, he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me cuz he doesn't know if someone better might come along........ so i was so angry that i broke up with him AGAIN.......... but couldn't stand the thought of being without him, and we were back together again within 24 hours......... i know..... it's terrible...........

big big big red flag. If he's unsure thats one thing. If he's using you as a placeholder until a 'better woman' comes along then you don't need him.

 

[peanutbutter12]

big big big red flag. If he's unsure thats one thing. If he's using you as a placeholder until a 'better woman' comes along then you don't need him.

Haha, I agree. If some girl would have said that to me, I'd have kicked her to the curb and there would have been no reprieve. Something better indeed!

Seriously, if you don't know where the relationship is headed, it obviously has no direction and you need to start questioning to yourself why you're still holding on to it. If you're holding on to it because of emotions, you need to let go and spend some time learning from the mistakes made in this relationship.

 

[cambiar]

big big big red flag. If he's unsure thats one thing. If he's using you as a placeholder until a 'better woman' comes along then you don't need him.

Well.... yes... he did say that back in July.... but, at the end of August, he also said that "he wants to marry me." I was really confused, so I said, "you never said that!" and then he said, "I'm saying it now." And then he tried to back it up with saying that he's been thinking about it.......... but I can't quite put my trust in if he's REEEALLY thought about it or if he's just saying it cuz he was in the moment. I just feel like two months is hardly enough time to change your mind about if u suddenly wanna marry the person. It's not like something dramatic happened. And we were still doing the LDR.... so we have yet to see each other since June.

So anyway............ it's all too soon to talk about marriage in my opinon now. I think I just need to ride along to see how long I can wait. I think by next year, hopefully I'll know better.......

 

[Blank123]

Well.... yes... he did say that back in July.... but, at the end of August, he also said that "he wants to marry me." I was really confused, so I said, "you never said that!" and then he said, "I'm saying it now." And then he tried to back it up with saying that he's been thinking about it.......... but I can't quite put my trust in if he's REEEALLY thought about it or if he's just saying it cuz he was in the moment. I just feel like two months is hardly enough time to change your mind about if u suddenly wanna marry the person. It's not like something dramatic happened. And we were still doing the LDR.... so we have yet to see each other since June.

So anyway............ it's all too soon to talk about marriage in my opinon now. I think I just need to ride along to see how long I can wait. I think by next year, hopefully I'll know better.......

don't waste your time. Talk to him now and find out. there's no point in wasting another year with this guy if he's not really interested in marrying you.

 

[Gardener101]

...one time.... during our previous relationship.... he asked, "are u going to marry me?" just like that, out of the blue while he was driving and i was in the shotgun seat. i shot back at him, "IS THIS A PROPOSAL???!!!"
and I explained that he'll get an answer from me when it's a proposal.... so to me, that was just sooooo unromantic........ and especially, after being in a serious relationship for quite some time, to hear such uncertainty from his lips was mind boggling. i mean, isn't it WEIRD that he would want to SECURE that i was going to say "yes" BEFORE he decided to propose??? Then, what the hey is a proposal all about if he already knew that I would say yes?????

If it's any consolation, my ex boyfriend did that to me. When I asked him why, he replied words to the effect "Cus I want to know if I should ask you to marry me, cus if you're gonna say no, then I don't want to ask you"

He wanted to know my answer...before he asked the question!

 

[cambiar]

If it's any consolation, my ex boyfriend did that to me. When I asked him why, he replied words to the effect "Cus I want to know if I should ask you to marry me, cus if you're gonna say no, then I don't want to ask you"

He wanted to know my answer...before he asked the question!

so there ARE men who think this way....huh? It's such a cowardly manifestation of trying to protect themselves from getting hurt.

And not only that......... it just means that they pretty much aren't DYING to get married to you no matter what. It shows that if the girl decides to say no, then they'll be ok with that answer and JUST MOVE ON.

so....he's become your ex??? uh oh..... it doesn't bode well for my bf........