Need advice on finding the right adoptive parents

[PrincessKing]

Hello. Hope I'm at the right forum. . . if not, please direct.

My husband and I have 4 beautiful, intelligent, wonderful biological children. We had discussed what we would do if I ever got pregnant again, since that seems to happen somewhat easily. I know I cannot mentally handle going through that again (I have history of post-partum depression, borderline psychosis.) and I don't think it would be fair to our children to bring another sibling into our household. I have a hard enough time trying to balance everything as it is! We agreed that we would give the baby up for adoption if that happened. Well. . . guess what! I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago and there was a faint, blue line. So, now I am looking into our options in finding an adoptive family.

I would like an open adoption, and would prefer someone relatively close to where we live. Since we have other children, and this baby will be their biological brother/sister; I want them to know each other. I would like to fill the role of "aunt and uncle" for the baby. I would want to have separate lives, with a balance of personal contact (birthday parties, holidays, perhaps vacations). I would want to find adoptive parents who are Christians and live their lives valuing what is truly important. . . not material possessions or status. My ideal family would be educated on environmental issues and would strive to be consumers of natural foods, etc. I don't need some hippy who only eats organic food (then I would be a hypocrite!). I just want someone who knows that certain things should be avoided. . . someone who truly wants what is best for our baby.

Am I asking for too much? Is that all too specific? I don't want to micromanage how the baby would be raised, I just want someone who values most of the things we do.

I would like to find the adoptive parents relatively soon so that they can share in the pregnancy and birth, and we can bond with them before the baby comes. I have looked at some adoptive parent profiles, but I'm not sure if it's too soon to actually contact anyone. I don't have a history of miscarriage so I'm not really concerned with that happening, although I realize the possibility so I wouldn't want to get someone's hope up for nothing.

This is something I always had a feeling I would do for someone. . . just not the way I thought it would happen! I was thinking more of a surrogate with the parents' DNA and not mine!

I would really appreciate any advice on what steps to take. I did find a great site about open adoption that has a lot of good info, but still need to know where to go now!

Thank you for "listening"!

~Sarah

 

[die2live]

First of all, I want to say how much I admire you for making this decision! Adoption is not an option that most couples even think about, especially when they are married.

I don't have any first hand experience with adoption, but I've done a bit more research than the average person. I want to adopt someday (older children, not infants) and I know that if I were to get pregnant before I was married, I would choose adoption for my child. I also volunteer at a crisis pregnancy clinic and have gone through adoption training in order to know what options to present to the women who come to the clinic.

I don't know where you live, but if there is a Bethany Christian Services near you, I would suggest looking into them. I've heard a lot of good things about them and I attended a one-day seminar on infant adoption put on by Bethany. They are a Christian adoption agency (go figure) and they place with Christian couples. They have already done the screening of the couples, I'm sure with an analysis of their faith and religious practices, so you know as best you can know (only God knows of course) that your child's adoptive parents will be Christians. As far as your other considerations (I also admire how much thought you are putting into choosing your family. I can see you have strong values and I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to pass them on to all your children), I know that you can be heavily involved in choosing the parents. I'm not sure if the adoption agency will give you something like files of different family profiles to choose from, but I believe the process is along those lines. Once you have narrowed down the choice of potential parents, you can also interview a smaller pool to make your final decision. From there, you mainly work out with the adoptive parents the rest of the details (labor and delivery plans, sharing of pregnancy related information, contact with the child after birth).

Another option is independant adoption, which I have to admit, most of my knowledge of this option comes from the movie Juno. I did learn the basics when going through the crisis pregnancy training, but we didn't go in depth. Basically, potential adoptive parents hire a lawyer and place ads rather than going through an agency. This is not legal in every state, so check your local laws of course. I would suggest sticking with an agency, especially if you want to know as best you can that the parents are Christians. If you have someone in mind specifically that you would like to place your baby with (like if you personally knew a couple that was interested in adopting), then independant might be the way to go.

Good luck in everything! I'll be praying for you and your family!

 

[*Charis*]

We have an adopted daughter that came to be part of our
family in an open adoption.

How have things gone, Sarah?

 

[bliz]

I' sorry if I am thought to be rude, but this makes no sense to me.

How will you ever explain to your children that you are going to give this baby away, that this one doesn't come home to be a new brother or sister? HOw are they ot going to wonder if you aren't going to give them away,too?

And since this is an open adoption, how will you ever explain to this child that you did not want to bring him or her home? Talk about major rejection! Start setting money aside for the child's therapy fund now!

There are steps that can be taken to ensure that there are no more pregnencies to be faced. I would encourage your husband to take them, and I would encourage you to rethink this idea.

 

[immersedingrace]

I' sorry if I am thought to be rude, but this makes no sense to me.

How will you ever explain to your children that you are going to give this baby away, that this one doesn't come home to be a new brother or sister? HOw are they ot going to wonder if you aren't going to give them away,too?

And since this is an open adoption, how will you ever explain to this child that you did not want to bring him or her home? Talk about major rejection! Start setting money aside for the child's therapy fund now!

There are steps that can be taken to ensure that there are no more pregnencies to be faced. I would encourage your husband to take them, and I would encourage you to rethink this idea.

This is an old thread from over a year ago. Any adoption that would have taken place, has already done so. However, I believe the judgment is a bit harsh. Unless one has ever been in the position the OP is talking about, they have no right whatsoever to judge. To tell someone their child will need therapy is just wrong. There are plenty of open adoptions out there very similar to the one the OP was describing as their ideal. So far the research is saying that the open adoptions, YES, even those with other bio children involved, are the healthiest. It's not ideal by any means but it does work for some. One does not stop loving their child because they placed their child for adoption and heaping guilt and judgment on them is totally uncalled for.