Need Advice... Dh is sending mixed signals

[kanga22]

Dh has a girlfriend. They are talking about getting married in a couple of years even though they barely know each other. Sometimes she isn't sure she wants a divorce from her husband to be with mine. Sometimes dh thinks that he and I COULD improve our relationship afterall, and he shouldn't give up on us. He has been trying to decide if he still wants me for months, and I guess he still hasn't made up his mind. Although tonight he told me that he has felt more like a brother to me, then my husband, since before we were married 12 years ago.

For months I have done whatever I could think of to improve our marriage without any effort from him. I felt that he was using me and taking me for granted, so I finally gave up after he became intimate w/ this woman. I don't "feel" like I want him anymore, but would not choose divorce because I take my commitment of marriage very seriously.

I would still forgive him and take him back if he would just give up chasing other women, focus on us, and work with me toward a better marriage. Today he told me that these women he chases send him all these kissy gooshy sweet comments and pictures. As much as I hate feeling like I'm in competition with these women, he says that he'd like that kind of thing from me. I'm not naturally a hearts, flowers, and lace kind of person, but I could force myself if I thought it would be the right thing to do. I don't want to miss an opportunity to bring my wayward husband back to his family.

But, I will not let him use and abuse me anymore. I have the feeling I would put myself out there and he would stomp on my heart again. Btw, he isn't and hasn't made any effort to do anything like this for me. He didn't even send me anything for Valentine's Day and spent hours on IM and the phone with his girlfriend. Yet, I'm supposed to want to send him sweet nothings. Do I sound bitter yet? I don't want to give up on him if there is still a chance. But, I don't think he is treating me fairly or showing any effort to think of me either. What do you think?

 

[bliz]

I'm so sorry that you are in this painful situation.

Today he told me that these women he chases send him all these kissy gooshy sweet comments and pictures. As much as I hate feeling like I'm in competition with these women, he says that he'd like that kind of thing from me. I'm not naturally a hearts, flowers, and lace kind of person, but I could force myself if I thought it would be the right thing to do. I don't want to miss an opportunity to bring my wayward husband back to his family.

This is all a lie and misdirection. He is not sleeping with this other woman because you don't write flowery love notes. Don't believe that for a second.

Hold fast. Do not settle for lewss than God wants you to have.

 

[Christianfantasy]

The way your husband is treating you borders on sadistic. At best it is self-centeredness carried to the outermost limits of extreme. Please don't allow him to manipulate you into competing with women that he is also using, abusing and jerking around. Rather, offer him an ultimatum. Straighten up, give up the womanizing, and actively work on improving the marriage, or give you a divorce. You can't save the marriage alone even if you wanted to; marriage is by definition a two person institution. If one of the two people choooses to act as if the marriage is a meaningless sham, the other person simply can't try hard enough to change everything all by themselves. (I have read books that claim otherwise, but I have never seen it work out in real life; usually, the person trying to save the marriage just gets more used, abused, exhausted, hurt and depressed.) If your husband agrees to give up these other women and sincerely work at the marriage, you could try reading a book--together--called The Five Love Languages. It has the potential to help a lot. If he doesn't agree, then please understand that you haven't lost anything; you can't lose what you didn't have to begin with. Rather, you have gained freedom from a very abusive and demeaning relationship. Thank God for it, and ask Him to richly bless it.

 

[Cordy]

Your husband should be the one sending you lovey pictures, notes and flowers (or the kind of things you would like) to win you back -- not the other way around.

I wish I had some advice, but I personally have no experience in this area. Just don't let him treat you poorly! Treating you like it is your fault that he is cheating, and that you have to change your behavior to make him change is very selfish and irresponsible on his part.

Have you considered counseling?

 

[MikeK]

First off, what your husband is doing is wrong, I in no way am about to try to excuse his behavior with the other woman, as it is inexcusable.

I would still forgive him and take him back if he would just give up chasing other women, focus on us, and work with me toward a better marriage. Today he told me that these women he chases send him all these kissy gooshy sweet comments and pictures. As much as I hate feeling like I'm in competition with these women, he says that he'd like that kind of thing from me. I'm not naturally a hearts, flowers, and lace kind of person, but I could force myself if I thought it would be the right thing to do. I don't want to miss an opportunity to bring my wayward husband back to his family.

Your husband seems to be telling you why he's drawn to other women, what it is that they give him that he craves. this is a good thing, many times people either can't or choose not to share this information. He is telling you exactly what makes him feel desired, important, and loved. You should concentrate on treating him the way he wants to be treated, just as he should be treating you the way YOU want to be treated. Of course, you really can't do it fully until he promisses that the other woman is out of the picture.

 

[kanga22]

Last night dh told me that he took his current job with a cheating heart. He knew he would have the freedom to do as he pleased, like never before, and was thinking he could find the passion that our marriage lacks after twenty years and without God in the center (he is unsaved).

I really believe that my marriage is over. My original post here was to get some perspective on the current problem. Thank you. You have given me the answers I was looking for. I don't intend to continue to be dh's doormat. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't pushing him away unnecessarily.

I'm not convinced that I would be better off hurrying my divorce either though. I'd rather just keep me and the kids safe and provided for, and will deal with getting a divorce only when necessary. I'm sure I will get less financial support from dh after we are divorced, as he gives me his entire paycheck now. And, his "lifestyle" is fairly unobtrusive in my daily life at present. If his life and "new friends" do start to invade my space on this planet, then I will start the process of legally distancing myself from it.

Thanks again for your advice and comments.