I understand fully what you're going through, more than you can imagine. My hubby cheated on me multiple times while we were married. I felt the same as you at first, wanting to know all the details. Now I wish I didn't know half of what I do. As the saying goes, what you don't know won't hurt you. I think this is very true. All it did was torment me knowing the details of his sordid affairs. My mind could'nt let go of the images and it nearly destroyed me. Here's a cross post of something I already posted to another woman who is going through the trauma of adultary on this forum. And yes, it IS trauma. Anyway, here's what I posted. You are not alone hun. I'll pray for you.
Unfortunately I'm a veteran of this situation. <sigh> It is the most difficult thing to ever have to go through. I don't mean to sound rude, but those of you who have never experienced this should not be doling out advice without a lot of prayer and wisdom.
There was one person that stated adultry is always the fault of both. That is completely untrue. That may be the case in some situations, but not always.
In my situation, my husband was a sex addict. It is a sin he never acknowleged or dealt with all his life. He was addicted to sex and porn. I didn't know this when we got married. It had nothing to do with me whatsoever. He just wanted sex whenever the temptation hit him. It was never about romance or wanting a relationship with someone else, it was purely about sex. I could never understand this, because we had a good sex life. He had me anytime he wanted me. So no, none of it was my fault.
I understand the pain all to well. He cheated on me multiple times. One time he was supposed to be going to work on call, and on his way saw a prostitute. Well, turns out it was a sting operation and he got busted. To make matters worse, the local news station had the whole sting on film and aired it on TV. I wanted to die I was so humiliated. Everyone I knew saw it. What hurt even more is that everyone assumes it must somehow be my fault. They would ask stupid questions like "weren't you giving him enough sex?" And other such things. I was the victim, yet I was being treated like it was my fault. You have no idea how much that hurt me. That's why it irks me so much when someone ignorantly blurts out such statements. Funny how it's a double standard though. If the wife cheats on her husband, everyone thinks it's her fault. If the husband cheats on the wife, everyone still thinks it's her fault. ARRRGGGHH!!! Get a clue people!
I don't know what to tell you. You really need to pray about it and decide for yourself if it's worth staying together. If he hasn't repented to God and done a complete 180, you may as well forget it, because he'll just do it again, either with her or someone else. I know this for a fact.
I stayed with my husband, but prolly shouldn't have. I was young and had young kids, and was terrified of the thought of being a single mother. So I stayed.... and went through many years of hell because of it.
In 1999 things exploded. I caught him in the living room masterbating to some porn early one morning when I got up. I had had enough by then. I was just fed up and tired of being hurt by his perversion. At that point I think it really occured to him that he had a serious problem. He sought conseling, sought God and trully repented and has made drastic changes. Still, if I had left him way back when, my life would not be such a mess. God is still working on healing me. It will be a long time, and I may never trust him again. I have forgiven him, but the pain is still there. You will never forget. I must say that the pain diminishes over time, but it will never completely go away. You will always be suspicious and have doubts. Unfortunately it comes with the territory.
As for forgiveness. DON'T feel obligated to forgive him right now no matter what anyone says. You are hurting and confused, as well as angry. God does not command us to forgive unconditianally. Just as no one can be saved without confession and repentance (hence God's forgiveness), you are not required to forgive him if he doesn not repent. Don't believe me? Read this verse:
Matt. 18:15 - 17 says:
15"If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If the church decides you are right, but the other person won't accept it, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. (NLT)
Notice verse 15 says "If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back." In other words, if the person does not confess, or does not repent, then there is no forgiveness.
I don't know what else to say, but I fully understand what you're going through and will pray for you. The best advice I can give is to seek God, trust, God, and turn your husband over to God and take it from there. Good luck and God bless you.
