Need advice and support

[sarahbug]

I'm pretty much brand new here, and I hate to just bust in with a sad story, but I really need some advice, and I guess just some shoulders to cry on.

Nearly a year ago, my dh confessed to me that he had cheated on me 2 months or so after we had gotten engaged. It was a one night stand. When he told me, we had just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. I am still having a hard time dealing with it, though we both have been working hard this past year to mend the broken spots in our marriage.

The bad part is, recently I've been wanting to get in contact with the other woman to hear her side of the story. Dh says it's a bad idea, and there's no need to bring her into it, and I told him I feel she was brought into our relationship the moment he had relations with her. I know it's probably a bad idea. I guess I just need advice about the whole situation, or maybe I just need someone to talk to.

 

[sarahbug]

No one has any advice?

 

[chosen1975]

Hi, I don't think it would be a good idea personaly. I am sure that it is not an easy thing to let go. And I am sure this is not something you can do on your own, I think the only way you can get rid of it is by God's grace & power. So as far as advice is concerned I would say that you need to ask God to give you the grace to forgive. I should also say that I am not minimizing your husbands guilt. I am only speaking as it concerns your health and peace ok, ok
Blessings MDE

 

[sarahbug]

Thank you. I know it's probably the wrong thing to do, I guess I just needed someone other than my husband to tell me. lol

I'm definitely working on the forgiveness, it's something I have to do everyday. One of the best things I read about forgiveness is it's a choice, not a feeling, which is a nice thing to know on those days that I flat out don't feel like forgiving. And praise God I don't have to forgive with my own (wimpy) power.

I guess it just gets hard sometimes. It's coming up on the one year mark since I found out, and I think that's why I've been so down about it.

Thanks again for your reply.

 

[katelyn]

I think chosen gave you some good advice...I don't really have anything else to add at this time, just wanted to give you some encouragement and say hang in there, and trust God to bring you through.

 

[ceres]

I don't think it is a good idea for you to contact the other woman, even if you do wonder what she looks like and all of that. You also want to keep her away from your husband just in case even if it isn't a fear right now.

 

[sarahbug]

ceres, thanks. I do know what she looks like, I used to work with her as well. And we don't even live in the same state as her anymore. Dh hasn't even seen her since she shortly after the incident. Luckily, it was just a one time thing, he knew it was a mistake after it was over, and broke off contact with her.

 

[Mom4Christ]

You do NOT want to know, trust me. My husband had cheated on me just once with a friend of mine. Do not pursue it. It's bad enough I knew the woman. I knew what she looked like and could imagine the two of them, uh, together. It was very painful. The more details you have, the more your imagination will take off. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Get out your frustrations and fears, or whatever you are feeling. Take care!

 

[sarahbug]

You do NOT want to know, trust me. My husband had cheated on me just once with a friend of mine. Do not pursue it. It's bad enough I knew the woman. I knew what she looked like and could imagine the two of them, uh, together. It was very painful. The more details you have, the more your imagination will take off. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Get out your frustrations and fears, or whatever you are feeling. Take care!

I actually do know most of the details, and I agree it was painful, but I've always been one of those people that needs to know exactly what I'm dealing with.

I'll admit, my reasons for wanting to talk to the other woman (who I knew and worked with quite a bit, and had even gone to lunch with once) are not good reasons at all. As un-Christian as it sounds, a part of me just wants to let loose on her and let her know exactly how much she and my husband hurt me by what they did, even if dh and I weren't married yet. And, since a large portion of trust is gone for my husband, a part of me wants to hear her side of the story to see if my husband is being totally honest.

It's a tough place to be in, that's for sure.

 

[sarahbug]

Forgot to add that I am definitely not going to contact her, ever, because I know it would hurt more than help, but the "want to" is still there.

 

[Mom4Christ]

I talked to the other woman quite a bit and I wish I hadn't. I interrogated my dh about it and I wish I hadn't. I was miserable and was not thinking straight. I found out several days after it happened. I kept wondering if there was more than they had admitted to. I'm glad I found out so I could terminate my friendship with her and make sure my dh did not speak to her ever again. I wanted to let loose on her too. I cried so many times. It was awful. The pain does not go away as long as you continue thinking about it. If those thoughts creep in my head, I have to say a prayer so I don't feel worse. This was about a year and a half ago and I still have trust issues.

 

[sarahbug]

mom4christ, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one still feeling sad and untrusting after a year or so. I was worried that maybe I wasn't moving on the "right way". At least I know my feelings are fairly normal. Thank you.

 

[Mom4Christ]

You're very welcome. It is nice to find someone in a Christian relationship that can relate to such horrible problems. Not that I'm glad anyone has gone through infidelity, but I'm not alone. My trust seems as if it will never be fully restored and I have turned into a very jealous person. I am praying for my jealousy to go away, but if my dh mentions another woman's name, I have to know who she is and why he was talking to her. I'm getting better, but the pain is still fresh in my mind. Take care!

 

[sarahbug]

My trust seems as if it will never be fully restored and I have turned into a very jealous person. I am praying for my jealousy to go away, but if my dh mentions another woman's name, I have to know who she is and why he was talking to her. I'm getting better, but the pain is still fresh in my mind.

That sounds exactly like me! I know what you mean about it being nice to know someone else going through infidelity, even though it's sad that someone else has gone through it, it's still good to know I'm not alone, and I'm not the only one that has felt this way.

 

[Hopeful]

my own opinion: if i felt it would make me feel better or or maybe forgive the husband , then i would see the other woman. but then again i have never been in the situation

 

[desi]

Probably better to let it go, just once.

 

[ceres]

resist the urge, and consider getting counseling for you and your husband.

 

[LN]

*sarahbug*

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't even fathom how you must feel.

{{{HUGS}}}}

A good friend of mine cheated on her husband. It was horrible, for both him and her.

One thing I learned by watching the situation is that when someone cheats, there has to be a "why." Now don't get me wrong, there is NO way NO how that this is your fault at all. But in his head, there must have been something that was justification to him. Maybe he has a hard time resisting temptation. Maybe his sexual needs weren't being met and in his head he thought it was ok. Maybe it was a commitment issue. Who knows - why someone would cheat is beyond me. BUT I think its important to get at the root of the matter with a counselor and not sweep everything under the carpet. Plus watching him address whatever issue it was will help you build trust in him again.

My sense is seeking her out will make the situation move backwards, not forwards.

Laura

 

[sarahbug]

Ceres, we did go to counseling for about six months. It did help a little. I think my problem now is we are coming up on the one year mark of when he told me. I've resisted the urge, and don't really have it anymore, so everyone's advice here helped! I knew in my heart that contacting her wasn't the best thing to do, I just needed some unbiased opinions.

Laura, you are so right. And after lots and lots of talking dh was able to tell me a little bit of the why. I think it took him awhile and a lot of soul searching to figure out for himself why he did it. Even though he says there's nothing I did that lead him to doing it, I can still look back, and see things that I could have done better. So now we are both working on adjusting ourselves and making our marriage work. Mostly a lot of growing up.

 

[momof3blessings]

Sarahbug

Have you ever concidered writing a letter addressed to the woman. Write out everything you want to say to her face. Then when your done, dont' mail it throw it out burn it whatever. Sometimes just getting those feelings out helps. Though I've never been in your situation, I've been through other stuff and writing it all out really helped.