Need advice about divorce/separation

[cinseattle]

Hello,

I won't get into too much of the details, but I have a question that I could really use some advice on.

My wife and I separated about 2 years ago after 7 years of marriage at the time. We both are Christians but slowly fell away during our marriage. It came to the point where neither one of us were happy and she eventually made the decision to leave.

We were fully separated for almost 1 1/2 years and during that time God moved in both or our lives strongly individually and we both ended up coming back to Christ. During our separation however, she started a new relationship that became very serious with him actually living with her and our children. That relationship ended, (according to her), and God continued to do big things in each of our lives individually.

One night she called me and began to talk about what it was like being a single mother and how hard it has been. I agreed and we just began to really talk, (first time in a very long time). We expressed the things Jesus was doing in our lives, what we hoped for the future in regards to co-parenting and all of that. The spirit was truly there and it was a real blessing.

About an hour after that conversation she called me back crying and saying that she had been praying for a godly man to help raise our kids and that she felt that God was telling her that it had been me all along. We decided to take it to prayer and counsel and over the next few months we began the process of reconciling our marriage.

Since our separation, I had become firmly planted in a good church and I really felt that the hand of God was moving to restore that which the enemy had stolen. It was an awesome time and for me a true demonstration of God's goodness.

That was about 4 months ago now and about 2 months ago she called me at work and told me that we needed to talk. She said that she had made a mistake and that she just realized that she doesn't love me and according to her words never really has. This of course floored me but we talked and agreed to not rush in any direction and let the spirit of God direct our paths.

Really long story short, I later found out that she had rekindled the relationship she had with this other guy and that they were making plans for their future. They now have a completely out in the open relationship and she has told me many times that he is her "soul mate", and that once she can support herself again and get back on her feet that they will be getting married.

Something she has told me is that while we were separated, even though we were still legally married, she felt that she gave herself fully to him and "married" him. She says that when she came back she realized that she was cheating on him even though at the time we began talking about reconciliation that relationship was over.

My question is whether or not her view is backed up or supported anywhere in scripture. I know that I feel that God is calling me to love regardless of circumstances and be a strong man, father and husband even in the midst of what seems like an impossible situation, but if what she says is true and her and this other guy are married in God's eyes then I don't want to prevent her happiness or God's will.

Please help

 

[ShainaBrina]

Hello C, I'm sorry you're hurting.

There is a teaching that says that marriage is creational - ie it existed before the law and that all a man had to do to take a wife was to "take her into his tent". There is also the teaching that says when two are joined physically their spirits join together and they become one flesh this creates soul ties.

However in this case your wife was already married to you. So although she has created soul ties, she hasn't created a marriage she's committed adultery. Under the Mosaic law they would be stoned.

Clearly God's will is for us not to cheat or deal treacherously with each other. If you truly feel that God is telling you to continue with reconciliation, then that is what you should do. On the other hand most denominations would agree that you have biblical grounds for divorce at this point, first abandonment & second adultery.

Hope that helps,
Blessings
Shaina

 

[cinseattle]

Thanks Shaina, that was very helpful.

I guess the thing that I'm struggling with is that we were separated for so long and I'm not sure if that constitutes a spiritual divorce in God's eyes even though we were/are still married by law.

We have 2 small children, (2 and 4) and it is so weird to be living like a family under the same roof, but knowing in my heart that there is another man that she is dedicated too and making plans with.

If anything, my perspective is that she shouldn't run from one relationship to another and if it is truly God's will that we be divorced that end of marriage counseling and oversight be sought through the church but she just says she has peace with the situation and that if I need help I should get it.

Anyway, I appreciate the point of view of a Christian woman.

 

[ShainaBrina]

I don't believe there's such a thing as a "spiritual divorce". The law is that the man write a certificate of divorce and put it in her hand and send her away. Without that certificate the woman is considered as "put away"... Which was most likely the case of the Woman at the Well... Jesus said that the one she was with was not her husband.

Your wife may feel at peace, but she doesn't have a biblical leg to stand on. Seems to me that she's listening to Self not Spirit in this instance.

 

[bliz]

Nowhere in Scripture are we ever told that we will have peace about a matter when we are right. It's nice to be at peace about something, but that indicates nothing.

 

[cinseattle]

Your wife may feel at peace, but she doesn't have a biblical leg to stand on. Seems to me that she's listening to Self not Spirit in this instance.

Yeah, I think the place she is though is that she feels she is right and that God ordained this relationship. If she's wrong she'll just ask for forgiveness and take the spiritual "hit" and be done with it.

I really don't think there is any fear of the Lord in that regard and unfortunately even if someone counselled her in this area I think she would still move forward with what she's decided.

Really I just want and need to make sure that I'm walking it out according to the scripture and God's spirit.

Thanks again for the responses though, they have been really helpful.

 

[ShainaBrina]

If your wife is ignoring scripture and Godly counsel then she is not 'walking after the Spirit' and you have good cause to doubt her salvation. Which would be a third biblical reason for divorce, an unbeliever departing.

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

​

C if your wife is carrying on an affair, she has absolutely no justification for her position... she is simply sinning. She is sinning against you, God, her lover and herself. In my first church there was a young married man (in a leadership position no less) who refused to give up his mistress. The church had no choice but to haul him up in front of the congregation and discipline him. He was removed from fellowship until such time as he came to repentance.

1 Corinthians 5:5 NIVhand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.


​

C, are you sure God is leading you in your desire to reconcile with your wife? Even with her continued adultery? God had Hosea marry a harlot to demonstrate how He continued in marriage to Israel even in their harlotry (other gods), but that was Hosea. What would be His purpose in your case?

I suggest you study the scriptures carefully, use a lexicon and read different authors on the subject. I'm concerned that your continued support of your wife in this situation may only enable her to be in a better position to take the children from you.

 

[cinseattle]

Yeah, I can appreciate that and some times I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I just have to lean into God more and more in those times.

I've been reading every relevant piece of text, scripture and forums post I can come across and there are so many different view points that it is hard to really make sense of them all especially while trying to walk it out on a daily basis. That is why I've purposed to trust God completely through this knowing that nothing is impossible for him.

I can't tell you why my spirit tells me to continue to love right now, other than to say that I believe true unconditional love that expects no reward and looks for no return is the true nature of Christ and that is how he loved me and every other believer back to repentance.

I feel rightfully or wrongfully that regardless of what she says, does and feels that my vows were before God and when I said for better or worse, I meant it. I know that I have godly "outs" in this situation and you know I think she feels that she does too.

I keep remembering Jesus's final prayer in which he thanked the Father that out of those whom he'd been given he had lost none. This was the son of God, the savior of the world and his last act of prayer was to thank God that of the 12 flawed humans he'd been given to watch over in the flesh, he had lost none other than the Judas, (so the scriptures could be fulfilled).

I believe that until those papers are signed and we are officially divorced, that I am her husband and until that day, I am specifically called to love my wife as Jesus loved the church and give myself for her. I interpret that to mean that I should give my selfishness up in exchange for his selflessness. I should give my jealousy up in exchange for his peace. I should give my hopelessness up in exchange for his eternal hope and I should give my pride up in exchange for his humility.

You know some people have said that I am only prolonging the inevitable or enabling her to remain in sin by not forcefully demanding her to choose or leave, and that may be true, (I don't know), but what I wrote above is the measure of faith that I've been given today.

Please pray.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Sounds like the exchanged life teaching. Where God allows suffering to enter into our lives to kill off the flesh (or self life) so we can become more Christ like. And it is possible that the love of Christ through you will change her and save your marriage. I hope this is true.

Just remember we are to be wise as well.

May the Lord bless you and prosper you in all things.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Is your wife living with this guy right now with your kids?

 

[JohnDB]

There is one other little detail.

If a wife leaves and is divorced...and she takes up with another man but then leaves him and wants to go back to the first husband...he isn't to take her back...period.

Part of the Levitical purity thing.

OK...so you may not be a Levite. But most Christians hold to a doctrine of the Priesthood of every believer. Granted you may not be clergy and only laity...but...the doctrine holds truth in it still.

 

[cinseattle]

If a wife leaves and is divorced....

Yeah, that is a good word and I actually came across it myself recently as well. The question I have is when does a divorce actually happen in God's eyes. Was it when she left? Was it when she joined herself to another man, or is it when the legal covenant is ended by a court?

We were "married" the entire time we were separated, but I am unsure if that really means anything at this point. She feels that we were/are divorced, she says she made a mistake coming back, (I didn't seek her out, she sought me out), and she feels that she is now "married" to her current boyfriend through a verbal and spiritual covenant.

So many places in this situation for confusion to reign, but I praise God because he is not the author of confusion and has given grace sufficient for this time!

 

[JohnDB]

The marriage occurred for her when she started living with the other guy.

Usually a woman in Israel was stoned for such behavior as being an adulteress.

So...

Yes, you are free and clear of any obligation to this woman. Even though the whole situation breaks your heart and I feel for you in this situation.

Try to pick up the pieces and put a life back together again.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

There is one other little detail.

If a wife leaves and is divorced...and she takes up with another man but then leaves him and wants to go back to the first husband...he isn't to take her back...period.

Part of the Levitical purity thing.

OK...so you may not be a Levite. But most Christians hold to a doctrine of the Priesthood of every believer. Granted you may not be clergy and only laity...but...the doctrine holds truth in it still.

Has anyone researched this because I'm curious for the reason. I have a friend who is dating her ex-husband and they were both married to other people after their divorce.

 

[JohnDB]

It has been a long time since I read this in Leviticus. I am sorry I can't point out chapter and verse. But it is in there.

I know what the Old Testament says about such things....and that sometimes things occasionally can work out between a couple that were once divorced....even if both were dating others in between or even married to others in between.

I only know what the bible has said on such matters...the dynamics of such things is beyond me. All I do know is that marriage is a lot more serious than some people take such things. Something to be seriously thought about before entering into it. The "safety net" of divorce really isn't an option to be considered when getting married.

God doesn't want us to divorce and He really doesn't like it. I hate it myself with a passion and I am divorced...gonna be two times now. God understands that sometimes there is no living with another person. If at all possible work things out...but sometimes that simply doesn't happen.

For me...when I divorce it is over and done...finito...kaput...there is no going back.

For others this isn't the case. I can't speak for them...only myself.

 

[Test All Things2]

cinseattle,

your questions are rather deep the way you pose them. You clearly have a true Christ-like love for your wife, and I admire that in you. God bless you for it too. You have what God truly desires in us. A complete rarity that someone would or could love someone so selflessly as you do your wife. That is really amazing.

But to answer your concerns:

James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom let him ask of God" do this and wait on your Lord and God for the answers. Ask God what his will is for you and your wife and your marriage and family. God is not going to let you down. Listen carefully the wisdom or information might be found in the confirmation of more than one voice (those known to be full of the Holy Spirit) speaking the same things to you. I know one guy at my church that actually heard God speak audibly to him regarding his wife.

Whatever the method God will provide you the proper guidance and counsel. God strengthen you, God help you and show you the way my brother in Christ.

I need to follow this advice myself (convicted)