need a guy's opinion...
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mjmcmillan
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singlewv2011
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exitstageright
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Well.....IDK....,you may have a point there. Single women appear to be more fearful nowadays,and I can hardly blame them.
Case in point,One woman from CM told me that she will not do online dating anymore. She wrote that she wants JESUS to have a friend introduce her to a friend. I asked her,"Why?,have you had a bad experience on online dating?" She wrote that one man,a pastor,ripped her off of $20,000.
Now,that is just my luck to meet a woman who has been abused by a man.
NOW,she is afraid to talk to me,thinking that I will be the NEXT man to rip her off.
My thing is that I will talk to a stranger. I will be nice to a stanger. I will respect a stranger. BUT...., I WILL NOT give or loan a large amount of money to a stanger.
I guess what this therapist said is true. When it comes to a woman trusting some man,we good men have to pay for the sins of the bad men.
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Okay...I'm really not that mysterious. I just put more of myself out there and got self-conscious when it got something like 40 views and no replies.
In a nutshell, I tend to be the one my male friends "drunk call" when things are falling apart in their lives...and knowing that I am not a booty call (even though that is almost always suggested), I was wondering what if it says something about me. I guess it just means they know I'll listen when they need to cry and not judge them.
The part that made it personal was the "drunk call" I got this week was from a guy who left me almost a year and half ago for another woman. I guess that things aren't going so great but I wouldn't discuss that aspect with him since they are still together ... and I probably wouldn't have talked to him except that he was falling apart over the fact that his GF's mother who lived with them was just diagnosed with cancer and it had brought all the nightmares of his wife dying of cancer back (both our spouses died of cancer). I am probably the only one who knows a lot of the issues he had with his wife's battle. I just listened and encouraged him to talk to some professional to help him deal with a lot of issues he has never faced.
The part that had me pull the posting is that after talking to him, I realized that it stirred up some emotions that I didn't realize I still had. I would never have anything to do with someone while they were involved in another relationship...I don't do that. However, it made me wonder if he might really still think about me or if the call really could just be that I "got" the cancer thing like no one else.
I don't drink hardly anything. I don't know how people think when they drink (I just get a major headache). My husband always claimed that that was when the "truth" came out. I know that isn't always true...but my emotions did a flipflop...and a lot of insecurities came to the top. I've also just realized that I get the phone calls that nobody else gets. I get the ones where the tough guys are willing to cry and show all their emotions.
In a nutshell, I tend to be the one my male friends "drunk call" when things are falling apart in their lives...and knowing that I am not a booty call (even though that is almost always suggested), I was wondering what if it says something about me. I guess it just means they know I'll listen when they need to cry and not judge them.
The part that made it personal was the "drunk call" I got this week was from a guy who left me almost a year and half ago for another woman. I guess that things aren't going so great but I wouldn't discuss that aspect with him since they are still together ... and I probably wouldn't have talked to him except that he was falling apart over the fact that his GF's mother who lived with them was just diagnosed with cancer and it had brought all the nightmares of his wife dying of cancer back (both our spouses died of cancer). I am probably the only one who knows a lot of the issues he had with his wife's battle. I just listened and encouraged him to talk to some professional to help him deal with a lot of issues he has never faced.
The part that had me pull the posting is that after talking to him, I realized that it stirred up some emotions that I didn't realize I still had. I would never have anything to do with someone while they were involved in another relationship...I don't do that. However, it made me wonder if he might really still think about me or if the call really could just be that I "got" the cancer thing like no one else.
I don't drink hardly anything. I don't know how people think when they drink (I just get a major headache). My husband always claimed that that was when the "truth" came out. I know that isn't always true...but my emotions did a flipflop...and a lot of insecurities came to the top. I've also just realized that I get the phone calls that nobody else gets. I get the ones where the tough guys are willing to cry and show all their emotions.
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mjmcmillan
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Could be. I used to get a lot of "drunk calls" from my ex, so I sort of know the territory. Not much you can do except try to be decent.
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singlewv2011
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Wow that is a toughy. Since it's a 'drunk call' and not a 'booty call' it's probably that you are a person who is a great listener, someone who really cares about people.
I think it may be a good thing.
I think it may be a good thing.
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Mostly, I don't mind being the one they call. However, this particular one has knocked my delicate balance out from under me. I thought he was gone forever. I thought I was "over" it...obviously that was just on an intellectual level and not on a heart level. I have no one to talk to because fact: he is still in another relationship and this was a one time call...and I think most people would think I was nuts to be having these feelings. (I hate being emotionally 15 years old again.)
To add to part that messes with my mind, I had a dream that was very similar to this call several months ago. The cancer issue wasn't there...but a lot of the conversations was the same. In the dream, he was still in the other relationship at the end of the dream conversation...something that seems odd if this was "wishful dreaming".
That dream threw me for a loop at the time. This dream was part of a series I've had. I gave two odd details to a friend from one dream without telling her the dream so that if it happened, I could prove that there was some reason behind my madness...if I decided to follow the dream. It was also so I could try to let go of the significance I was attaching to these dreams...however, now I've lived one.
I am an engineer by training...practical and almost hate emotions...maybe that is why the guys call me - I can see life through their eyes with more of a girl's gentleness. I've never believed in dreams being more than dreams...however, I did have one very vivid one about my husband years before I married him (but after I had met him) that became blatantly true right before he died. He even confirmed it when I told him about it.
This new series of dreams has kept my life off balance and now I have actually lived one (it was weird hearing him tell me things I already "knew"). However, ironically, the way my life has been going over that same period of time has set me up to be able to face the circumstances if they do come true with strength and balance...something that I couldn't have said even a month ago. I am back to trying to let go because I really don't have any control even if they all come true. I only have control over what I say and do...and you know, I didn't say or do anything in these dreams...just listened, tried to process, and felt extreme emotions that followed me into the day light hours. (hmm...that is a startling realization...)
I think part of the reason I am "talking" about this is just to get it out of my mind..and more in the realm of practical so that I can find my balance again. I know how looney this all sounds...but I also know how real this also feels all the way to my soul. I pray that I can let go...and instead each time he "shows" up...for the longest times in dreams...now a real call.
(Thanks for listening the rantings of a slightly crazy lady...)
To add to part that messes with my mind, I had a dream that was very similar to this call several months ago. The cancer issue wasn't there...but a lot of the conversations was the same. In the dream, he was still in the other relationship at the end of the dream conversation...something that seems odd if this was "wishful dreaming".
That dream threw me for a loop at the time. This dream was part of a series I've had. I gave two odd details to a friend from one dream without telling her the dream so that if it happened, I could prove that there was some reason behind my madness...if I decided to follow the dream. It was also so I could try to let go of the significance I was attaching to these dreams...however, now I've lived one.
I am an engineer by training...practical and almost hate emotions...maybe that is why the guys call me - I can see life through their eyes with more of a girl's gentleness. I've never believed in dreams being more than dreams...however, I did have one very vivid one about my husband years before I married him (but after I had met him) that became blatantly true right before he died. He even confirmed it when I told him about it.
This new series of dreams has kept my life off balance and now I have actually lived one (it was weird hearing him tell me things I already "knew"). However, ironically, the way my life has been going over that same period of time has set me up to be able to face the circumstances if they do come true with strength and balance...something that I couldn't have said even a month ago. I am back to trying to let go because I really don't have any control even if they all come true. I only have control over what I say and do...and you know, I didn't say or do anything in these dreams...just listened, tried to process, and felt extreme emotions that followed me into the day light hours. (hmm...that is a startling realization...)
I think part of the reason I am "talking" about this is just to get it out of my mind..and more in the realm of practical so that I can find my balance again. I know how looney this all sounds...but I also know how real this also feels all the way to my soul. I pray that I can let go...and instead each time he "shows" up...for the longest times in dreams...now a real call.
(Thanks for listening the rantings of a slightly crazy lady...)
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dayhiker
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blackribbon,
That is some experience you are having. Sounds to me like you really do understand yourself. One of the stareotypes of drunks is they like to talk. But I never had the impression they ask much of those they talk to .. well, there is the time it takes to listen to them spin their yarn.
This one has emotion with it. I understand emotions to tell us what we think about, how we judge a situation. Sounds like this dream makes it somewhat unigue because if the emotions still being there. So I agree talking about it is a good way to handle it. As in look at it and turn it over and examine it.
Maybe this story will be meaningful to you. I was in a church. A member, "Jack" who had meant a lot to the founding of the church had passed years earlier. The congragation had his picture in the back of the sanctuary to honor him. This all happened before I attended their. So their current pastor was talking about a moral issue that Jack was very opinioned about. The pasor had a different point of view. Just as the pastor spoke his opinion, Jack's picture fell off the wall. This had never happened before. There was no apparent cause! The pastor without missing a beat, comment about how the church has honored Jack and said we see Jack was just letting us know how he still feels about this issue! Now the pastor didn't change his position, yet showed respect for those in the congragation who remembered Jack and his position.
Hope that somehow gives you an insight into how to view your dreams and what happens in them. If the next dreams comes to fulfillment just as the last one did, you can perhaps be more prepared to respect both the dream and its fulfillment, as well as who you are and your relationship to the dream. I hope that makes sense.
That is some experience you are having. Sounds to me like you really do understand yourself. One of the stareotypes of drunks is they like to talk. But I never had the impression they ask much of those they talk to .. well, there is the time it takes to listen to them spin their yarn.
This one has emotion with it. I understand emotions to tell us what we think about, how we judge a situation. Sounds like this dream makes it somewhat unigue because if the emotions still being there. So I agree talking about it is a good way to handle it. As in look at it and turn it over and examine it.
Maybe this story will be meaningful to you. I was in a church. A member, "Jack" who had meant a lot to the founding of the church had passed years earlier. The congragation had his picture in the back of the sanctuary to honor him. This all happened before I attended their. So their current pastor was talking about a moral issue that Jack was very opinioned about. The pasor had a different point of view. Just as the pastor spoke his opinion, Jack's picture fell off the wall. This had never happened before. There was no apparent cause! The pastor without missing a beat, comment about how the church has honored Jack and said we see Jack was just letting us know how he still feels about this issue! Now the pastor didn't change his position, yet showed respect for those in the congragation who remembered Jack and his position.
Hope that somehow gives you an insight into how to view your dreams and what happens in them. If the next dreams comes to fulfillment just as the last one did, you can perhaps be more prepared to respect both the dream and its fulfillment, as well as who you are and your relationship to the dream. I hope that makes sense.
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You are NOT nuts to have these feelings. Please don't let satan tell you that. He is the father of lies. You are NORMAL to have these feelings.
In case you can't tell, been there, done that, got a closet full of TEE SHIRTS. 
I believed the lies for a time. NO more!BTW ... not a guy. Sorry about that.
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Dayhiker...thanks for that. I am trying to not focus on the dreams and focus on the here and now. But maybe if they do come true, it is so that I have already had time to think before I answer. I could totally sabotoge the relationship he is in now. I don't believe it is healthy one for either of them...but that is not for me to say. I know him well enough that I could have totally turned him against her but I didn't. I didn't because God had confronted me with forgiving HER for her willingness to allow me to be hurt. She knew he was in a relationship almost from the day she asked him out. She has been dumped by many men in her life so she knows exactly how it felt...but she still did not ever consider how this would effect me. She was just concerned with her happiness and thought it was okay if he just "picked" her. If I hadn't just face this concept, I might have been willing to just hurt her back and think she "deserved" it. Even is she does on some level, I will not be the cause of her pain because she really is just a lonely person who wants to be loved.
If I hadn't had this dream and been forced to confront my feelings before the call, I might have just been excited that he was calling me and not been prepared to "see the big picture". I told him to work it out with her and figure out what he wanted from life. I was able to comfort him with the cancer issues...but the decisions he has to make are all his. If I am ever chosen by a man again, it will because I will be recognized for my value and not because I am the "default" person..or the easy way out of a bad situation.
Thank you for not thinking I'm crazy. Before Billy's death, I wouldn't have put much weight on the picture story...now I do believe that it was not a freak accident...too much seems to pass through the "veil that we can't see through" anymore.
My confession of the day...is that I don't know that this relationship (as in him and me) is over. I even told my mother this shortly after I let him walk. I said it is over for now, but I don't know that it is a "forever" situation. We have a connection that is very hard to explain. Maybe I needed to get to a place where I was stronger and knew who I was now...(I wouldn't have gone to school if he hadn't walked and now I'm waiting for my acceptance letter in to RN school..expecting it, not holding my breath). I also think he needs to realize that maybe "plain vanilla" people like me can be something desirable. And often plain vanilla is of greater quality because there is nothing there to hide behind. He seemed so surprised that what made her seem so glamorous before just meant she carries a lot of debt...and her job where she meets important people didn't make her "important" too. She is just ordinary like the rest of us...important only because she is who God made her to be. And try as he might, he really likes the vanilla life better than the fancy one that she tries to have.
If I hadn't had this dream and been forced to confront my feelings before the call, I might have just been excited that he was calling me and not been prepared to "see the big picture". I told him to work it out with her and figure out what he wanted from life. I was able to comfort him with the cancer issues...but the decisions he has to make are all his. If I am ever chosen by a man again, it will because I will be recognized for my value and not because I am the "default" person..or the easy way out of a bad situation.
Thank you for not thinking I'm crazy. Before Billy's death, I wouldn't have put much weight on the picture story...now I do believe that it was not a freak accident...too much seems to pass through the "veil that we can't see through" anymore.
My confession of the day...is that I don't know that this relationship (as in him and me) is over. I even told my mother this shortly after I let him walk. I said it is over for now, but I don't know that it is a "forever" situation. We have a connection that is very hard to explain. Maybe I needed to get to a place where I was stronger and knew who I was now...(I wouldn't have gone to school if he hadn't walked and now I'm waiting for my acceptance letter in to RN school..expecting it, not holding my breath). I also think he needs to realize that maybe "plain vanilla" people like me can be something desirable. And often plain vanilla is of greater quality because there is nothing there to hide behind. He seemed so surprised that what made her seem so glamorous before just meant she carries a lot of debt...and her job where she meets important people didn't make her "important" too. She is just ordinary like the rest of us...important only because she is who God made her to be. And try as he might, he really likes the vanilla life better than the fancy one that she tries to have.
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jpcedotal
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hmmm...u are his stability, his comfort zone. He is at best unintentionally using you, but more than likely you are his "old faithful".
Two Things:
- You should not be talking to him about intimate things while he is attached to someone else...period.
- Start dating other people and tell him that as long as you are dating you can not be his shoulder.
For sure, he is using you, no matter how nice he pulls it off. He does not care about your emotions, he is just selfishly using you to make him feel better. If you still have relationship feelings for this guy, tell him, make him choose. If he craw-dads, shut him off emotionally...and move on, because you will never be complete if you are always waiting on him.
Two Things:
- You should not be talking to him about intimate things while he is attached to someone else...period.
- Start dating other people and tell him that as long as you are dating you can not be his shoulder.
For sure, he is using you, no matter how nice he pulls it off. He does not care about your emotions, he is just selfishly using you to make him feel better. If you still have relationship feelings for this guy, tell him, make him choose. If he craw-dads, shut him off emotionally...and move on, because you will never be complete if you are always waiting on him.
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I agree whole-heartedly with JP.
YOU deserve someone who wants you and is there for you for more than just a drunk call or because his current honey isn't understanding him or emotionally there for him. Truly, you do.
I hope you do find someone, but I hope it is someone who loves all of you and who respects you enough that he doesn't 'use' you (intentionally or unintentionally as JP suggested) when he's feeling down and needs a sympathetic ear and feels he isn't getting that from his current gf.
YOU deserve someone who wants you and is there for you for more than just a drunk call or because his current honey isn't understanding him or emotionally there for him. Truly, you do.
I hope you do find someone, but I hope it is someone who loves all of you and who respects you enough that he doesn't 'use' you (intentionally or unintentionally as JP suggested) when he's feeling down and needs a sympathetic ear and feels he isn't getting that from his current gf.
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singlewv2011
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I am agreeing with the last two posters. I have a few women in my life that I only reach out to when I am in trouble and need comforted. I know they would both like to be in relationship, but neither of them is 'right' for me, if that makes sense. I realized I was using them, unintentionally, and giving them hope, so I have stopped doing that the last few years. It was very selfish of me.
I also know about dreams, often when I go through times of intense temptation or depression, they are preceded and accompanied by dreams. I think it's the enemies way of getting me a little 'off' before he starts hammering me.
Anyway, you definitely deserve better!!
I also know about dreams, often when I go through times of intense temptation or depression, they are preceded and accompanied by dreams. I think it's the enemies way of getting me a little 'off' before he starts hammering me.
Anyway, you definitely deserve better!!
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I cut him off when he was talking about relationship things concerning his current GF. I only let him talk about about things having to do with his wife's passing and how this new cancer was effecting him and his girls. Since his less than sober mind was wandering all over the place, he circled back more than once. However, he didn't complain about her...it was more he was making observations. He married his wife straight out of high school and there are so many things he did not realize about women in general.
As for me, I am not waiting for him. I kinda went out with a guy since him...but it didn't go anywhere and it shouldn't go anywhere. I am not likely to date anyone else for a while because the opportunity just doesn't exist...and I really am just trying to accept and embrace being by myself.
Since he has only called once, I don't know that I consider it "using" me. But yes, I am aware of how selfish his act was...but it didn't "harm" me anymore than just being pushed off balance and that wasn't his fault. And yes, he is very self-centered at the moment...but that is how everyone is when they are contemplating a serious relationship...especially one that isn't going good. I'd be more concerned if he just "jumped ship" the moment it got hard.
Like I said, I am not waiting around for him. The circumstances as they stand are that he is in a relationship. In some ways, I do hope it works out for them because they both have kids and none of them need to have their worlds change again. However, if it isn't going to be a good situation for any of them, I pray that it does end ... and the sooner the better. However, all I can do is pray for them. God knows the big picture and knows what is best...so I just hope that they listen when He whispers.
Also, I know exactly what I want out of a relationship...and to be valued and treasured is very high on that list. I had that with my husband...and it is incredible important to know that no matter how bad things get, that the other person loves you enough that they will never walk away.
So what do I know now. That I still care for this guy more than I am willing to admit to most people. I also know that it isn't enough to make me jump into any relationship. If his relationship were to end today and he called me, I would only talk to him as a friend (because I know how broken he would be over failing this relationship) ... but I wouldn't jump into a relationship with him. He has some things he has to figure out in his head. He knows me well enough to know me ... and I wouldn't even be interested in a relationship beyond friendship until he realized on his own what a treasure I would be for him to have in his life. Since, in the current situation that is so very unlikely, I'm not wasting much thought on that as a possibility. I am grateful that I now know enough to prepare my heart to follow my head (instead of the other way around) since I did discover how I still do feel.
I understand this man. I understand how he thinks. Yes, his thinking is very self-centered at times but he has a lot of things he needs to work out...and most of these are left from before he even met me. It is good that he is thinking. I also think he does understand on some level just how unfair he was being to me (he did apologize for calling and thanked me for even answering the phone), but I would rather he hurt me a bit than have him dispair alone.
I reached the point in my relationship with this man where I could honestly say I love him. Real love is hard and messy. It meant that if he wanted to be with someone else, I had to let him walk without retaliating. It also means that within boundaries that recognizes his current relationship, I am not going to turn my back on him when he is genuinely in need...and this particular night, he was in need of a real friend who would have his best interest in mind. I sent him "home" at the end of the conversation.
I have one friend in my life who is a "real" friend like I try to be. My husband was in his own way...(not a man of many words, but he loved me unconditionally). I have talked to my kids about different kinds of friendship and that as a Christian, we can have one-sided friendships with people who need us. He is not my friend. I am his friend. I don't think that he is using me since I am aware of the situation. That is what Christian love is...loving people even when they don't deserve it. If God didn't love me like that, then I'd really be in trouble.
I am not a fool for not throwing him out of my life. I am not pursuing him or even taking advantage of a situation. I know my value and won't compromise it for a moment...not even to "catch a man". The perfect man does not exist...I am just looking for the perfect one for ME...and that one comes with a number of flaws. I also know which flaws I can accept and live with and which ones are unacceptable. I don't share...so he is on the unacceptable list right now and may always be there. That is the assumption I am living with.
Talking to him was not something that came from the weak part of me, it actually had to come from the very strong part of me.
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I appreciate your honestly about having people you have "used" because you know they would listen. That is what I was wondering. I really don't know how he feels and wouldn't ask if given the opportunity.
I have read that most foretelling dreams are about negative things. I think these dreams are really kind of neutral ... just the emotions that evoke are not, and they don't have an ending. I am willing to believe that they are just my brain dealing with some intense emotions. However, I still have those two small details I have trusted with a friend that will be my "test" to open my mind and heart to the fact that it may be okay to accept them as something a bit special. I had already put them away as "nothing" until I got that call. And heartache isn't the worst thing in the world...having a hard heart is much worse. My ability to empathize increases with each heartbreak that I survive. God did not ever promise us a life without heartache...he just promised to be there when it hurt.
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