Need a different perspective...help

[Seeking...]

I have asked my husband for a separation and he agreed. I did so out of frustration and exhaustion and I think it could be right for us but please read my background (long, sorry!) and please share your views.

My husband and I have been together for over 5 years, married for nearly 3 (anniversary is less than a week away), but the last couple of years have been really difficult. First of all, when we started dating - I was not a christian and he was. I came to Christ not through my husband, but as a result of some seeking I was doing at the time. As our relationship grew we found a church that we wanted to attend together and have a family in. We were baptized there together, joined the congregation, attended bible study and pre-marital classes and were eventually married there. All that time I thought my husband was some kind of christian ideal while I seemed to be stumbling sometimes in my walk with God.

Then I found out my husband was lying to me. About what you ask - about anything and everything, and if he didn't lie - then he just withheld information. Basically, any decision or error or idea that could result in a discussion he doesn't want to have results in him lying to me or simply not telling me. He had lied to me about our financial situation for nearly a year, made life changing decisions about his career and education without discussing them with me at all and I've grown tired of it. And of course, since he lies - he doesn't trust - though I haven't given him any reason not to.

I am by no means perfect. I have many faults - all of which I had when we were dating & most of which have improved since my marriage (my husband agrees with this when he is calm) but my husband manages to blame me for our problems whenever he gets upset. For exampe: I procrastinate and I overanalyze, so he makes decisions without me since he can't depend on me to handle it in a timely fashion (of course this would make more sense if I was informed in some way that there was a problem at all). I don't know how to respond anymore; if I am too gentle then he gets mad because he can't be expected to know when he has messed up if I don't tell him. If I am too direct, he snaps because he doesn't want me nagging. We have been to couples counselling a couple of times (secular and Christian) and he's fine - as long as the counselor is in the room.

I expected to be a submissive wife, but I thought my husband would seek my counsel BEFORE making decisions - not that my counsel would sway him, but because he would want to show me that my views were respected. The way my marriage operates - I feel as though I am merely the backdrop in my husband's life. While I am completely responsible to him - he seems to owe me no more than he chooses to give. Last summer I felt so bad about myself, as if I had "made" him do everthing that hurt me; as if I was useless without him.... I used to put so much energy into trying to please him, but it just didn't work - since I am not perfect - he always has some example of how I've failed him.

This has taken a toll on my health (mental and physical) and I just want to have peace when I go home at night and not this tension. I am all over the place now, so I'll stop.

Please tell me how you'd handle this situation and how can you work on your marriage while being separated.

Thank you and God Bless

 

[rainyday]

Since we're always growing as we learn and experience things from day to day ... you'll grow apart while separated and become two separate identities. You'll both get accustomed to doing your own things again and won't 'fit' together as well later. It'll make it only harder. Might I suggest counseling first?

Regardless ... God bless you and your husband.

 

[Seeking...]

Thank you for responding Rainyday...

What you stated is exactly what I fear - that living apart will make it easier to stay apart, but I truly don't know what else to do. We have gone to 2 counselors for varying lengths of time. Both of them gave us great insights & things to work on, but it seems to have helped temporarily. We stopped couples counseling several months ago because it had brought up several personal issues for my husband that he felt he needed to work on apart from joint counseling and there seems to be no interest in returning to it anytime soon. When we spoke about the separation, my husband admitted that he told his therapist back in January that he'd like some time off/alone to work his issues (ADHD, career & etc.) & his therapist asked him if he inteded to tell his wife, but he didn't feel it was neccesary. All I keep thinking is: if I'm going to feel alone then I might as well be alone and at least have the peace of it. I know that sounds selfish...

Blessings to all...

 

[rainyday]

Selfish seeking? No, it sounds like your husband is the one being selfish at this point. He took vows with you and now has decided to exclude you in things that SHOULD involve you, especially career decisions. A spouse is supposed to be there to support you, and if you start excluding them and isolating them ... well, its like I said, you'll grow apart.

Pull him aside and really try talking to him. Tell him how you FEEL or how you BELIEVE it will have an impact on your marriage thus that should involve you.

Just make sure of one thing then, that YOU continue counseling for professional advice on how to deal with him and this separation. When your other half chooses on their own, independently apart from you, sometimes there is nothing you can do. So in that situation, continue for the advice you'll need to help you go through this.

God bless you seeking ...

 

[desi]

From my perspective anyone asking for a separation from their spouse is to invite doom to their marriage; hence, the best advice I have is for you to beg your husband back. This is from the Bible, Jesus's mouth, as I have read it as it pertains to divorce. Save your marriage while you can.

 

[chris320]

From my perspective anyone asking for a separation from their spouse is to invite doom to their marriage; hence, the best advice I have is for you to beg your husband back. This is from the Bible, Jesus's mouth, as I have read it as it pertains to divorce. Save your marriage while you can.

I agree. If you want to save the marriage, you need to beg your husband back and get back under one roof again, with consistency of intercourse between the two of you.

-Chris320

 

[Seeking...]

Well, I can say we had a bittersweet weekend. I asked my husband how he really felt about our impending separation and he said he was partially looking forward to it. He feels he needs to focus on some personal problems and wants the time away to do so. I admit I am looking forward to the peace of being alone. Our conversations are kind, polite even, as long as they aren't deep. Again this weekend he brought up an issue that is at least 4 years old - I thought it had been discussed and resolved, but apparently not. I don't think he has ever truly forgiven anyone (including himself) for anything.

I'm sorry, I don't see myself begging my husband back anytime soon. There are two of us in this marriage and I need him to see that. I pray for him every night - that he will see the good in himself, so that he will love himself and trust himself - because maybe then he will be able to do the same for me. I pray for myself to keep God always in my heart and mind, always to guide my decisions.

It seems we both need this break and if we work on it we can find our way back to each other if we are meant to. Please pray for that.

P.S. - We lost a family friend this weekend. He is survived by a loving family and many friends - please pray for them in their grief.

Blessing all around

 

[bkg]

Separation rarely leads to anything but divorce. I know that people often say "we just need some time..." - my ex-wife once said that. Our counselor, before telling us to divorce, said that separation only makes it easier to divorce.

My opinion is this: The ONLY way to get through the rough times is if you know that the other person is goign to be there. This can only be done in teh same house, under the same roof, in teh same bed.

I do NOT buy the cliche of "if it's meant to be, it will be"... IT ALREADY IS! People use this as a crutch to avoid having to put a lot of effort into something, and it doesn't build strong relationships, it just destroys them. You are already married, but you've moved onto the mentality of being apart and only coming back together if it's "meant to be". That's the wrong attitude to have - you MUST have teh attitude that 'we are together, and we're going to survive' or the marriage is over.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - I'm having a bad day and seeing people "give up" or stop putting effort into their marriage is a very sad thing for me. Please don't give up - please don't separate - please put effort into your marriage even when your husband is not.... Please.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

BK,

that's on ething I'm worried about, but my wife talks allt he time like she knows we'll be back together. (She'll say things like "depending on where we're stationed" or "when we retire from the Air Force")

I'm praying for whatever changes God wants to make in our lives. Even the counselor waves off my concerns about divorce, and my wife gets livid if the subject even comes up. I've got a good woman here, if we can both get over our issues.

 

[bkg]

BK,

that's on ething I'm worried about, but my wife talks allt he time like she knows we'll be back together. (She'll say things like "depending on where we're stationed" or "when we retire from the Air Force")

This is a blessing, AFT! This is a HUGE blessing!!!!

I've got a good woman here, if we can both get over our issues.

You have a good woman regardless of the issues. That's something that you have to focus on - do not allow the issues to define who your wife is - allow your God to define who your wife is! Do not think that your issues are to big to overcome by prayer, think that your prayers are to big to be overcome by issues.

Hope you don't mind, but I think I need to take my own advice...

 

[Seeking...]

BKG,

I'm sorry if you misunderstood me - I am not giving up on my marriage. By "if we are meant to" I am not suggesting that fate holds sway over the future of my marriage - fate is not a party to my marriage. I have spent over 5 years with my husband and don't know how to picture life without him.
I will say that marriage is a conscious union between man, wife & God- if any party (typically man or wife) is no longer willing to take part in the union - then it isn't a marriage that I would continue to be a part of. I'll continue to work on my marriage - see my faults and work to change them, I'm sure I could be a better wife, but I will not beg my husband to love me, trust me or treat me with respect. If I am not what he wants - if he can't learn to accept me and whatever mistakes I have made or am likely to make in the future, if he continues to see me as a disappointment, mistake or failure and if he continues to act as if he has no partner and isn't accountable to me in terns of honesty and forthrightedness (?) - then I am better off alone IMHO.

That is my reality.

(sorry if I sound snappish, didn't mean to be)

 

[cjba]

It seems that both of you have already let go. As others have mentioned, separation only makes it easier for divorce. Many people have gone through the separation process and have reconciled. Only the two of you can make the decision on living under one roof or not. However, God will decide on what is to come in the marriage.


Pray for wisdom and guidance through your trial.


God Bless

 

[jaspen]

I am currently separated from my wife and it is not easy. We have not even started counseling, yet. I am the guilty party in our marraige. I lied to my wife for a year about my drinking and chewing. One day it came to an abrupt end through an argument and domestic violence. We are not communicating at all at this time. I have repented and changed my ways and believe it will work out. However, at this time she does not trust me and I do not blame her. Do not beg or rush back. He must repent and then you need to slowly test the waters of his truthfulness. God will bless you. Read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. You will find that you can separate for a time being and then return to your husband. He does have to prove himself. Remember, he is to love you as Christ has loved the church and Christ does not lie to us.

 

[desi]

A couple thoughts here.

When a woman says, 'If its meant to be...' translates to the guy can decide the outcome. I learned this painfully after a date which could have ended better if I understood, 'whatever happens will...'

When a woman says, 'Maybe sometime in the future...' translates to the girl is out to lunch. She thinks she can wreck a marriage and expect things to be all better, like it was, years down the line if she changes her mind. This happened to my step-brother. Like his brother he's with a nicer girl now and I don't know where his ex is.

Seeking, what stops you from standing by your man? A divided house cannot stand and by acting as you have you have divided your house. A wise woman builds her house up while the other type tears hers down. I pray your husband is comforted and guided by God.

 

[Seeking...]

Jaspen,

Thank you for your kind support. A friend pointed out that passage in Corinthians you referred to (with emphasis on the separation being short) and it helps a lot to know that my decision is not outside of God's word. My husband and I are discussing the terms of our separation and I am trying to introduce the idea of us returning to counselling as a part of it. Take heart, I am sure your wife is just trying to regroup, heal her wounds. With patience and time she will begin to see the changes in you and your trust will be rebuilt. Just remember that you have God's forgiveness - make sure to forgive yourself as well. You made a horrible mistake, but you didn't commit an unforgiveable sin; be humble in your communications with your wife (I'll pray for a restoration here) but don't grovel.

Desi,

My husband stops me from standing by him. By lying, withholding and dismissing me he pushes me away. I don't believe I am dividing my house, I believe I am merely removing the illusion from our lives, with the illusion gone we will be able to build a real partnership in its place - provided we are both desiring to do so. I love my husband and I wish you could see this separation as something I am doing for my marriage and not to my husband.

I thank you for your prayer - I have been praying that for awhile.

Peace out. Blessings all around.

 

[desi]

Desi,

My husband stops me from standing by him. By lying, withholding and dismissing me he pushes me away. I don't believe I am dividing my house, I believe I am merely removing the illusion from our lives, with the illusion gone we will be able to build a real partnership in its place - provided we are both desiring to do so. I love my husband and I wish you could see this separation as something I am doing for my marriage and not to my husband.

Seeking, God loves you. He only wants what's best for you. He also said wives are to subjugate themselves to their husbands. By behaving as you are you are giving your husband a way out if he is as you characterize him, or pushing him away if he is a Godly man. Either way you and your marriage lose. The Bible specifically says women are to not leave their husbands and spouses are not to withold their affections from one another, separation mutual or otherwise does this by definition. Your husband may be a lying, cheating, jerk but separation is not the Biblical answer even if you both agree to it. What God has made let no man tear asunder. God made your marriage wtih both you and your husband's consent. It takes the bigger person to apologize and mend fences. From what you say your husband is not. Guess who is left to fix things... My wife is smarter than me in many areas. I don't always know why she agreed to marry me, other than being pregnant and me not helping to pay for an abortion. Despite my education and status as a man in the marriage I consistently find myself referring to the Bible for guidance. The Bible has the answers. You are smart. You are probably smarter than your husband. I once heard a wise woman say that a good wife will make her husband come up with what she wants but he will think it is his idea...