Neat Little Package

[Truly Blessed]

Oh, how I keep fooling myself. I get hospitalized for depression/suicidal thoughts because of the sexual abuse as a kid. I work on the healing. I start feeling good and wham I get hit broadside by a trigger and the cycle starts all over again. I think I have everything figured out and help others to the best of my ability. Then my military career starts falling apart because something is going on inside me - I am terrified but cant figure it out. Back to the hospital I go. All the meds do no good. Finally, I think I got it licked this time and boom a new boss shows up for work and I start going crazy - back to the hospital I go again. Finally, after about a year and a half I figure out my boss looks identical to one of my abusers (being in the army I cant just quite) Meanwhile, I am going nuts - thoughts of abuse/depression/suicidal are rampant again. So where do they send me back to the hospital again. I finally retire from the Army and figure o.k. I will just get a dead end job working nights so I dont have to see anybody. Go to my AA meetings. Socialize with my wife. And everything will be fine. I have everything in a Neat Little Package. But somehow, somewhere, somebody, something opens that package when I dont want it to be opened and out comes Hades. I again, for the 50th time, learn that it cant be fixed with will power. And just because I can open that Neat Little Package when I want to help somebody does not mean the tape will stick back on the box and the wrapping paper will not be torn when I try to reseal that Neat Little Package. Oh, how that Neat Little Package is a lie of a lifetime. But still how I would like to repackage that Neat Little Package as though it was never opened to begin with. And the cycle starts all over again and the current location is Hades with the Neat Little Package destroyed because it has been opened and closed so many times that it now no longer even resembles a package but a smashed little box.

 

[luv4godremains]

I'm erally sorry to hear what you are going through with all of this. I'll be praying that God would turn your life around, that he would heal you of all of this! have they sent you to councelling? just a thought, you are in my prayers! God bless, hope you feel better!

 

[Pilgrim1951]

But still how I would like to repackage that Neat Little Package as though it was never opened to begin with. And the cycle starts all over again and the current location is Hades with the Neat Little Package destroyed because it has been opened and closed so many times that it now no longer even resembles a package but a smashed little box.

Truly Blessed,
The following is a quote from a poster called IDS to me last year, and I think it may help you. The reference is from Mark 14:3

"Every person has an alabastar box containing the "essence" of their life. A perfume that is uniquely them. A combination of ingredients (life) that make you you. In the bible is a story of one who broke open her alabastar box and poured it upon the head and feet of the Lord. Jesus said that wherever the gospel is preached this story should be told.
What is in your alabastar box? What do you treasure? Is there an offense that will not go away locked safely inside? A crippling hurt that to this day brings you pain? That dark spot upon your soul, that shameful past, that disguised anger, that incurable hurt.
But I have given the Lord all. Well, yes, there are a few issues in my life but I am working on them. As long as I work on my issues they will be my issues. An amazing thing occurs when one opens their alabastar box containing the ugly, stinking things of their life and begin with tears to pour them upon the Lord. A beautiful perfume fills the room. The perfume of healing, forgiveness, restoration, peace."

Truly Blessed, You spoke of that "neat little package" and trying to deal with it with your own will power. You said that it is smashed now. I think it may be your alabaster box. Jesus wants it. He wants all your pain and sorrow and shame. It's already broken, give it to Him, anoint Him with it. Give it up to Him.

Lord, I hold Truly Blessed up to You right now. The enemy is trying to tell him things are never going to be better, that he is crippled and unable to minister the love and balm to others that he desires to administer. Lord, we know that Satan is a lyer and this is his last ditch effort to keep this precious man from the prize. Lord, I ask that Truly be able to see the truth in this situation and to see Your deliverance and healing, and Your desire to bring him that deliverance and healing. Thank You, Lord for Your faithfulness and mercy.

Truly, you have already ministered to many out of your pain. I am only one of them. My tears are for your pain right now, but God can and will deliver you.

 

[Truly Blessed]

Thank You both luv4godremains and Pilgrim1951. Both of your responses meant a lot to me.

Yes, I have been through councelling throughout my adult life.

Pilgrim that is such a wonderful reply. I cried the 1st time I read it and teared up the last few times when I reread it.

I do believe that I have given it to God. There are two prayers that I have used in a book I read regarding a different issue which I utilize regarding my sexual abuse.

"Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" "

and

"When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." "

and of course the more personal prayers.

When I wrote the op something really broadsided me, which seems to be happening a lot lately, and I just went into the pit of misery. And of course, there seems to be only on person that is able to pull me out of that pit of agony. My Heavenly Father and His Majestic Son. I think that is where He does his best work. He can take us (me) and mold me into what He would have me be. For in that pit, I am the most willing to have God do whatever He will with me for then I am the most submissive. When everything is great I start driving the car again and He becomes the passenger. So, when will I stop trying to take control and give him the steering wheel. Ugh. That is why I mean every word of my signature. Because if it wasn't for the bad, He would never be able to mold me the way He would want me to be.

I also wish I could find the posts about the Christian Sexual Abuse Recovery organization that people were talking about here. I think that would also help when I get on the roller coaster. I am not to sure how welcoming I would be since I am a guy and guys do most of the sexual abusing of ladies. I think that would be a big wall to over come for a lot of people.

Again God Bless both of You.

P.S.

Truly, you have already ministered to many out of your pain. I am only one of them. My tears are for your pain right now, but God can and will deliver you.

I don't get this. But then maybe its not for me to understand.

In God's Love,

TB